Am I Reading Too Much into This or is My Friend Not Reading the Writing on the Wall?

[LearningLove]

I have a friend from childhood who has been married now for twelve years. Granted, he married right out of college.

 

When I first met his wife, I had a feeling the relationship would not work out. My friend is a brilliant guy, but brilliance does not mean he has the slightest bit of common sense.

 

To describe him, he is Midwestern White Bread American--nothing wrong with that. His wife on the other hand, is a foreign student from China who could speak the English language with a strong, strong accent--I mean it took me a while to get used to her accent to completely understand her.

 

Now, I'm not indicating interracial relationships cannot work out; I do believe they can, but require specific circumstances to work. So for example, were my friend raised in a diverse area and had interest in other cultures then that would make it easier for him to make it work. Also, were his wife born in America with a strong sense of American values then that would also help make it work.

 

Realistically though, you have a guy who has no interest in anything not in his backyard married to a woman who still has very strong cultural ties to another country. For me that spelled doom.

 

Here is the situation:

 

When my friend first got married he and his new wife were intent on having children. However both being responsible people, they wanted to wait to have a family until they were financially stable--coming out of college is not really the best time to start a family. I think they made an excellent move at that young age, the only excellent move though.

 

Now twelve years later, my friend is earning a very good income to finally support a family on his own. Here is where I see a problem. His wife now is reluctant to have children--by the way her English did improve. She has different excuses for not having children. These excuses could be construed as valid, but realistically they are excuses.

 

My feeling is the wife at this point wants out and my friend has not grasped that fact.

 

Realistically, my friend is a hard person for anyone to live with unless you know him for a while. He is impatient, anal, a perfectionist, judgmental, bright, but not at all introspective. On Facebook his wife's friends have commented with supportive statements in the recent year such as, "You are an excellent woman," and the like. Do not misconstrue anything, I'm not at all indicating he is in any way abusive; he is just clueless and at worst a jerk.

 

Regardless of the advice given here, I'm not going to interfere in anyway with their relationship. My sense though is his wife is going to leave him. I mean the good thing is I'm sure she will leave the relationship as best she can not to hurt him--she certainly is not evil.

 

I know my friend growing up, and because of his personality no White American girl could ever tolerate him--I'm sad to write that but it is true. That is partly why I think he married who he did.

 

So, here are my questions:

 

1. Am I reading too much, or is my friend not reading the writing on the wall.?

 

2. If the marriage does end, this will be my first friend to divorce. What should I do at that time to be a friend?

 

3. If it does end do I suggest my friend work on himself before dating again? I have a feeling he is just going to marry whatever other submissive foreigner is closest to him and I don't think that is a good thing.

 

Thanks for the replied!

[fortyninethousand322]

Regardless of the advice given here, I'm not going to interfere in anyway with their relationship. My sense though is his wife is going to leave him. I mean the good thing is I'm sure she will leave the relationship as best she can not to hurt him--she certainly is not evil.

 

I know my friend growing up, and because of his personality no White American girl could ever tolerate him--I'm sad to write that but it is true. That is partly why I think he married who he did.

 

 

You described him as a Midwestern white guy and yet you think no white girl would date him. Why?

 

There's a million reasons she's hesitant to have kids, unless she has given him other indications she's trying to leave I think it's a total jump to assume that she's going to leave him.

 

It's good that you're not going to interfere. My advice is to not worry about it. There's nothing you can do, and nothing you can really learn from this situation right now, so I'd leave it alone and not worry about it.

[LearningLove]

You described him as a Midwestern white guy and yet you think no white girl would date him. Why?

 

There's a million reasons she's hesitant to have kids, unless she has given him other indications she's trying to leave I think it's a total jump to assume that she's going to leave him.

 

It's good that you're not going to interfere. My advice is to not worry about it. There's nothing you can do, and nothing you can really learn from this situation right now, so I'd leave it alone and not worry about it.

 

OK, well maybe if he moved back to the Midwest than I guess things would be different. He moved to one of the coasts in high school, that is where I first met him. He has since lived on the same coast. I've largely gone back and forth between coasts and abroad.

 

I'm not certain where you are from but if you have never been to a major city on the coast then you probably do not have a concept of the way women are in major cities. I can tell you they certainly do not have Midwestern Values.

 

From my experience women in major cities are strongly independent, career oriented, and to a certain degree (varying among women) feminist. For me there is nothing wrong with that because I grew up with a mother and sister like that as well as surrounded by women like that growing up and now in my profession. I'm pretty much used to it and know what to expect and I largely do not have a problem with it.

 

In fact, I suspect were I to spend anytime in the Midwest--not including Colorado because Colorado is totally different--I probably would be out of my element in regards to women and values.

 

I'm not making any political statements regarding the Midwest, I largely can care less about politics. I'm just saying realistically, I've seen him fumble with women growing up.

 

Also, women on the coasts are really big into looks. My friend is not the best looking dude nor does he take care of himself. With so many options out here, really the competition is stiff and I do not think he has a shot.

 

Again, things may be different did he decide to move back to the Midwest. I don't know.

 

Thanks for the reply.

[Mrlonelyone]

About not having kids...

 

His career may be far enough along that he's ready. Is her career far enough along that she can take that time off and not be set back severely? Women who want to have a career and kids often want to have a career first... then have the kids after they have been in the working world for a while and just be a stay at home mom.

 

She may not be ready for that. That does not mean she will leave him.

 

He may must leave her to find a woman who's more ready to pop out kids and stay in the kitchen. The Midwest has plenty of white (and black ) women willing to do just that.

[fortyninethousand322]

OK, well maybe if he moved back to the Midwest than I guess things would be different. He moved to one of the coasts in high school, that is where I first met him. He has since lived on the same coast. I've largely gone back and forth between coasts and abroad.

 

I'm not certain where you are from but if you have never been to a major city on the coast then you probably do not have a concept of the way women are in major cities. I can tell you they certainly do not have Midwestern Values.

 

From my experience women in major cities are strongly independent, career oriented, and to a certain degree (varying among women) feminist. For me there is nothing wrong with that because I grew up with a mother and sister like that as well as surrounded by women like that growing up and now in my profession. I'm pretty much used to it and know what to expect and I largely do not have a problem with it.

 

In fact, I suspect were I to spend anytime in the Midwest--not including Colorado because Colorado is totally different--I probably would be out of my element in regards to women and values.

 

I'm not making any political statements regarding the Midwest, I largely can care less about politics. I'm just saying realistically, I've seen him fumble with women growing up.

 

Also, women on the coasts are really big into looks. My friend is not the best looking dude nor does he take care of himself. With so many options out here, really the competition is stiff and I do not think he has a shot.

 

Again, things may be different did he decide to move back to the Midwest. I don't know.

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

I guess it depends on which city. I actually live pretty close to D.C. (I don't know if that counts as being a coastal city or not). We have a pretty healthy mix of people of all backgrounds since it's such a transient place, then again Washington, D.C. is not like a lot of cities so maybe it's different. Baltimore is another atypical city that doesn't really fit the description you give.

 

If your friend's marriage does end I think he'll be ok. Or maybe he won't, it really depends.

[LearningLove]

He may must leave her to find a woman who's more ready to pop out kids and stay in the kitchen. The Midwest has plenty of white (and black ) women willing to do just that.

 

That is a very, very valid point. You are totally right about that; I'm glad you responded because just that statement gives me a lot of perspective. Wow, thanks again.