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unemotional yet caring boyfriend...is this normal?


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I've been dating a nice, gentle, considerate man for 6 months. Not to say my previous bfs were *******s, but it surprises me sometimes how thoughtful my guy can be. As if I have forgotten what it was like to be treated nicely, to have things done for me without asking. For example, early in the morning he'd warm my car up while I get ready so the frost is gone when I drive. And many other little things.

 

My doubts in him stems from how he rarely expresses emotions. He doesn't get angry, only annoyed, pestered. He doesn't express extreme happiness. And when i asked if he loved his ex, whom he was with for 5 years, he responds with a shrug. He isn't passionate about anything in life. His only desire is to one day be a father and has no qualms discussing our possible life together (which i dislike talking about). He's content on being content.

 

I think my previous relationships have all been pretty normal, the boys always seemed more emotional than me. Most of the complaint after the breakup is that I was un-invested in the relationship, that I never committed. I'm a very practical person and is more on the guarded side with "feelings", so I doubt I am being overly sensitive to his lack of emotional expression-- like he claims.

 

Maybe 6 months is still too early to tell? Maybe he's even more guarded than I am? Maybe this is common among men and I just always had emotional boys till now? Or is this not normal and I should pay attention to it?

 

Thanks.

 

stats: i'm 27, he's 28. he has a job, and I'm in grad school.

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Enchanted Girl

I don't know. He might just have trouble expressing his emotions or not want to talk about the past (referring to his ex.)

 

I'm only saying this because my brother acts like this about everything and deep down inside, I know he has emotions, but he's just pretending to be too cool to have them. I can just see through him.

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yeah. I thought about that too...like, could he be pretending to be cool?

But i doubt it. he's not that type of guy. He is really caring, and I know it. When i was gone for 2 weeks, he said "I miss you and i'm not afraid to say it" when i was uncomfortable saying it.

 

on his ex, he's comfortable talking about her and he knows i'm ok with it too. he said she said the L word first, and he doesn't remember when he said it, but he said he guesses he felt it after a couple of years...

 

he always says he's a logical person and feelings are kinda blah. i can envision if I bring up this topic with him, he'll tell me to stop being so emotional.

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I am going to say yes it is normal so you don't break up with a guy like me and therefore are symbolically breaking up with me.

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after a night of no sleep, but making major headway on my thesis -- i have come back to an anxiety-free mental state. so I blame it on school (ha).

 

i'm not gonna dwell on something that isn't even a real issue yet as far as our relationship goes -- since i'm not that invested yet. yay, back to my old self. just going with the flowwww...

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"Invested"? I didn't realize a relationship was a profit making venture. I can't understand how people can be so detached in a relationship when you were the one to decide on being in it. It was never required that you be in one. You are either lying and trying to play it cool or you feel nothing and should leave the relationship.

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youngskywalker
he rarely expresses emotions. He doesn't get angry, only annoyed, pestered. He doesn't express extreme happiness. And when i asked if he loved his ex, whom he was with for 5 years, he responds with a shrug. He isn't passionate about anything in life. His only desire is to one day be a father and has no qualms discussing our possible life together (which i dislike talking about). He's content on being content.

 

You just described me to the letter baby.

 

Of all the girls I dated some liked my personality and some didn't. But understand something important... it's just his personality and you're absolutely not going to change him. People like your b/f often are overlooked by women in the dating scene but if you're willing to work with it then I think you've found something great.

 

And don't kid yourself that he isn't passionate about anything in life. He is. You just haven't found it yet or he isn't willing to tell you yet. People like him and myself would rather not have attention put on us. To be honest I don't care if you know what I'm passionate about nor do I want you to know. I don't display my every thought on facebook and make myself transparent like so many do. If you do then great, but not everyone does.

 

I'm going to give you a word of advice. Don't nag him or try to change him. If you simply accept him I guarantee you he'll respect you and reward you for it 1000 times over. I get a lot of comments about my personality and it can be extremely annoying. Like people don't accept me for who I am or want to be.

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TuffCookieX

I have a friend like this. We always call him "robot" because he shows no emotion, and his gf in HS dumped him after only a month for being so empty. Not ironically, after she dumped him, he showed no emotion over it. Such a strange way to live....

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relationships can be viewed as profit making - not money, but emotional profit. people go into relationships for all kinds of reasons, some being they believe they are in love, others go in because they don't want to be alone. I want to find someone who wants to explore life together...i guess it's the right way to say it. so yes, it is an investment to me in finding someone who wants the same thing as me.

 

in a way, I guess i am playing it cool -- because it's only been about 6 months and my priorities are to finish my degree and get a job.

 

youngskywalker, I hope he does have passions and keeping it inside for whatever reason. nice.

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