I didn't see this coming... or did I?

[daphne]

I mentioned a widower friend of mine on here once. We've seen each other more often lately. And we're noticing each other more. Tonight he waved shyly at me and I waved shyly back. I also noticed that we were excited to see each other.

 

When my friend left me alone for a few minutes, he came over and we started talking. And I realized that we're attracted to each other. It feels really, really weird. I knew his wife. I'm still very emotional about the whole thing. I also feel it's wholly inappropriate, but I know I wouldn't do anything without processing the whole thing. I opened the door in case he wanted to talk about it, very subtly. He steered away from it, so I took my queue and went about the business of making things normal. He wants to move forward and forget.

 

I've always felt he was a good guy. I wonder if my attraction would be there if there wasn't this emotional tug, and empathy I feel for him. Or am I attracted simply because I know he's a good guy?

 

I don't know. Very confused. I don't want to play roulette with his feelings. I don't know what to do but I'm drawn to him. But something tells me it's not the healthiest of starts to date someone who has recently dealt with a traumatic loss. Maybe I can just be his friend and see what happens.

Edited April 2, 2011 by daphne

[utterer of lies]

Maybe you can just be his friend, but it seems both of you want more.

[EasyHeart]

How long ago did he lose his wife? I'm assuming they were both relatively young and the death was unexpected? It takes years to get over something like that.

 

He could probably use a friend, but only if you want to be a real friend. He may even want a sexual relationship, but it won't be coming from a healthy place. We've had lots of threads about men pretending to be "friends" with a woman in order to trick her into a relationship and how it's not a good idea for either person, and it's not different with the genders reversed.

 

What are you looking for from this guy?

[daphne]

Maybe you can just be his friend, but it seems both of you want more.

 

Yeah. I think I knew before when we would look at each other when we thought the other wasn't looking.

 

How long ago did he lose his wife? I'm assuming they were both relatively young and the death was unexpected? It takes years to get over something like that.

 

He could probably use a friend, but only if you want to be a real friend. He may even want a sexual relationship, but it won't be coming from a healthy place. We've had lots of threads about men pretending to be "friends" with a woman in order to trick her into a relationship and how it's not a good idea for either person, and it's not different with the genders reversed.

 

What are you looking for from this guy?

 

She passed away about 7 months ago. She was in her 20's and yeah, she died of a brain tumor. She barely made it down the aisle and had to be rushed to the hospital. He's my age.

 

I could be a real friend, if that's what it called for. I'm glad you're putting out the warning, cos in a way he's in a great position to hurt me if I decided to go this route. He's in a vulnerable place and may not be entirely responsible for his actions.

 

I have no idea what I want and I'm a little surprised by teh whole thing. But I woke up thinking about him and how I haven't beamed at anyone or been beamed at like that in about a year. And before then years. Just that quiet acknowledgement that you notice someone and it's good. I think if the circumstances were different, I'd probably want a relationship with him. But I'm guarded, because I know it's not an ideal situation at all.

 

I once went out with another widower years ago. Another early death. I really liked him. However, he was only 3 months out and I didn't want to get used to make him feel better. Plus, I was a little judgemental that he was out there dating again after only 3 months.

 

I'm not sure what makes this different, however I think it's because current guy isn't out there looking for anything. He's just trying to get back into a routine and be among people again. Plus, I knew him before and he was a good guy so he gets more of the benefit of the doubt.

[daphne]

Well... I got nosey and checked his fb. He still has a photo of the two of them together. This is not an ideal situation for someone who's looking for a real relationship. He's in no position to offer someone that.

 

Better to see it now though. Just wish I weren't attracted to him.

[EasyHeart]

He's not anywhere close to being ready to date, let alone capable of being in a relationship.

 

My fiancee died in a car crash two months before our wedding when I was 35. It took me about 4 years until I was ready for any kind of healthy relationship. I didn't handle things all that well, so for some people it may take less (or more!) time, but there's no way he's anything but a total emotional mess 7 months after his wife died.

 

He's also feeling extremely lonely right now and is going to instinctively reach out and try to attach to people. But it's not any sort of healthy attachment. Unless you want (and are able) to be his therapist, give the guy lots of room. And wait at least 2 years until you even think about dating him.

[daphne]

I'm sorry to hear that Easy. So you know first hand where he's at. Do you feel normal again yet? Did you compare all women that you dated to her? Is she now immortalized and perfect to you? All questions I wanted to ask the first widower. All reasons to not want to follow in the perfect angel's footsteps. No one can measure up.

 

If I weren't attracted to him, I would easily be there for him. But I'm not sure how to proceed. I know I'd stand my ground and be a friend, but that might hurt him that I wouldn't allow it to be more. This happened with the other widower. I wanted to be his friend and maybe revisit dating in a year or two. He took it pretty bad and didn't want anything to do with me. Probably because when your'e in that place, hurt is magnified.

[EasyHeart]

I'm sorry to hear that Easy. So you know first hand where he's at. Do you feel normal again yet? Did you compare all women that you dated to her? Is she now immortalized and perfect to you? All questions I wanted to ask the first widower. All reasons to not want to follow in the perfect angel's footsteps. No one can measure up.

I don't know if I've EVER felt normal!

 

Something like that isn't something you ever get over. After awhile it just becomes part of who you are. I don't think I've ever immortalized her or compared other women to her, except in the sense that I know what a good relationship feels like, so I keep looking for that same feeling again. So, no I don't think of her as some sort of "perfect angel". In fact, she could be a real bitch sometimes! (We were together for over three years). Overall we were one of those annoyingly perfect couples, so I guess you could say I idolized her from the first day we met. (Of course, I'm still annoyingly perfect -- I just need another annoyingly perfect woman!)

 

My biggest problem after she died was a combination of loneliness and fear. I was desperately reaching out for companionship to make the pain go away, while at the same time I was subconsciously afraid that they would "abandon" me the same way my fiancee did, so I was doing the classic "push-pull" kind of thing to the poor women I dated. And I interspersed that with periods where I just swore off women and became a (even bigger) workaholic. It wasn't pretty. And yet there was never any shortage of women willing to be treated like crap by me.

 

 

If I weren't attracted to him, I would easily be there for him. But I'm not sure how to proceed. I know I'd stand my ground and be a friend, but that might hurt him that I wouldn't allow it to be more. This happened with the other widower. I wanted to be his friend and maybe revisit dating in a year or two. He took it pretty bad and didn't want anything to do with me. Probably because when your'e in that place, hurt is magnified.

Keep your distance. It's okay to be friendly, but don't try to be his friend. For his sake and for yours. This is something he needs to work through for himself.

[Gala]

Attraction isn't always simple. Daphne, this widower may be genuinely attracted to you -- but clearly he is also still coping with this tragedy. In my experience, the really deep attractions usually don't change. There may be a time for you, but not for a while.

[daphne]

Attraction isn't always simple. Daphne, this widower may be genuinely attracted to you -- but clearly he is also still coping with this tragedy. In my experience, the really deep attractions usually don't change. There may be a time for you, but not for a while.

 

I agree. I have to do what's healthiest for all parties involved and let him grieve. My father died 2 years ago and it took over a year to feel remotely normal. I am only now fully healed. If it's meant to happen, it'll happen at a better time.

 

I don't know if I've EVER felt normal!

 

Something like that isn't something you ever get over. After awhile it just becomes part of who you are. I don't think I've ever immortalized her or compared other women to her, except in the sense that I know what a good relationship feels like, so I keep looking for that same feeling again. So, no I don't think of her as some sort of "perfect angel". In fact, she could be a real bitch sometimes! (We were together for over three years). Overall we were one of those annoyingly perfect couples, so I guess you could say I idolized her from the first day we met. (Of course, I'm still annoyingly perfect -- I just need another annoyingly perfect woman!)

 

My biggest problem after she died was a combination of loneliness and fear. I was desperately reaching out for companionship to make the pain go away, while at the same time I was subconsciously afraid that they would "abandon" me the same way my fiancee did, so I was doing the classic "push-pull" kind of thing to the poor women I dated. And I interspersed that with periods where I just swore off women and became a (even bigger) workaholic. It wasn't pretty. And yet there was never any shortage of women willing to be treated like crap by me.

 

 

Keep your distance. It's okay to be friendly, but don't try to be his friend. For his sake and for yours. This is something he needs to work through for himself.

 

He he. Ok, as normal as EH gets then? I'm annoyingly perfect. I just haven't met my perfect guy. This couple was also annoyingly perfect. They were just sweet. Annoyingly so. lol.

 

The women that allowed you to treat them that way did so for a few reasons. You got the empathy card. You got cut slack that an average guy wouldn't because of your loss. Also, they figure if you loved a woman like you did the first time, you had something to offer. They probably didn't realize that you just didn't have it to offer YET. This is why I'm bringing up the questions now. I walked away from the first one, because I instinctively knew that this wasn't going to be the beginnings of a solid, healthy relationship that I was looking for. It gets trickier with this last guy, because I knew them both and part of my feelings come from a sincere wish to comfort him as a friend. But self preservation is key, and I won't allow someone who is in pain to run slip shod over my naivete and good intentions. Not that he would do that, but I won't let it happen.

 

What bothers me is how many guys deal with this kind of loss by running out and getting laid. Years ago, one of my best friends committed suicide. It's a long story but I introduced her to her then bf. He immediately ran out and hooked up with a tattooed aerobics instructor. It broke my heart and I don't get it. (Widower #2 isn't doing that that I can see btw).

[Gala]

Re. the BF who hooked up with the aerobics instructor - sometimes people (men and women) react to their own romantic pain in ways that may seem really inappropriate...but the pain is still there. An artist I know broke up with a really significant girlfriend, went on a totally wild (like, even wild by California standards) tear for a good month or so, and amidst it all was crying randomly...and just a mess. It was unsettling to watch and hear about, yet very instructive.

[xpaperxcutx]

EH hit the nail on this. People cope differently, but when they seek outside comfort to deal with pain, they're neither dealing with loss constructively or postively.

 

I think this is one you can definitely let go, until an apropriate time in the future where he can actually seek a relationship.

 

BTW, daphne what happened to your online dating ventures?

[EasyHeart]

What bothers me is how many guys deal with this kind of loss by running out and getting laid. Years ago, one of my best friends committed suicide. It's a long story but I introduced her to her then bf. He immediately ran out and hooked up with a tattooed aerobics instructor. It broke my heart and I don't get it. (Widower #2 isn't doing that that I can see btw).

Ummmm, yeah, well, like I mentioned, I didn't exactly handle things all that well. . .

 

The women that allowed you to treat them that way did so for a few reasons. You got the empathy card. You got cut slack that an average guy wouldn't because of your loss. Also, they figure if you loved a woman like you did the first time, you had something to offer.

Plus, I'm awesome. Don't forget the "awesome" part!!!

Edited April 2, 2011 by EasyHeart

[daphne]

Re. the BF who hooked up with the aerobics instructor - sometimes people (men and women) react to their own romantic pain in ways that may seem really inappropriate...but the pain is still there.

 

Interesting. I always assumed it was born from apathy. I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum. When I break up with someone, I go several years before I even date again. Hard on the nerves I tell you!

 

EH hit the nail on this. People cope differently, but when they seek outside comfort to deal with pain, they're neither dealing with loss constructively or postively.

 

I think this is one you can definitely let go, until an apropriate time in the future where he can actually seek a relationship.

 

BTW, daphne what happened to your online dating ventures?

 

Funny thing, I was just about to update that. There are men raining from work, play and online. I think I must be emitting some type of hormones, I'm not sure. Unfortunately, however, I'm not interested in most of them.

 

Ummmm, yeah, well, like I mentioned, I didn't exactly handle things all that well. . .

 

 

Plus, I'm awesome. Don't forget the "awesome" part!!!

 

He he. You wouldn't be the first guy. A buddy of mine at work got dumped by his gf and he went out promptly and had a fling. Gf came back and was shocked but asked him to forgive her, she had just gotten cold feet. They're married now. I know guys tend to be different about sex, I'm just really, really old fashioned and could never think of sleeping with someone after a breakup much less a death. I would feel like it was cheating (I know, weird.) So I guess it's hard for me to compute without judging.

 

That being said, yeah you are! (Awesome...)