Older guy, younger girl...

[gregfurcal]

Hey all. Ok here is my situtation. I am a 34 year old male. Last fall, after me and my gf of approx 1 year called it quits I started chatting with a younger (22) girl who works for a competitor in the same industry as me. The initial contact was work related, but almost immediately there was the exchanges of BB pins and the convo was non work related and our "relationship" started. Initially, it was texting non stop, and it was obvious there was and had always been a mutual attraction between us that was just never been realized to either of us. Now I am the first one to admit this is a large age gap and I had never even considered dating a girl this young. However she is mature, smart, beautiful and prob the most amazing women I have ever met. As much as I knew from the beginning I shouldn't let myself fall for her as I prob get hurt in the end...I allowed my self to start.

Now the thing is she is going to school in another city 6 hours away from where we both live, and still has a year and a bit to go. So we planned a date for the first time when she was back home. It went well, but it was a little awkward and there was the classic "peck kiss" and hug after the date, but nothing more. I just assumed after this date things would just dissolve...but when she returned to school the texting just increased more and more. She told me she would consider being in a relationship come Spring if we were both single..but didn't want to fully commit when we are so far away, and that school was her first priority. Fair enough. Suddenly we were calling eachother "babe", had our secret little language we would post on eachother FB walls, sending pics to eachother (not "R" rated, but not something friends would send), I'm sending her flowers, etc....Problem is we both kept saying that we need to watch it and not "fall" for eachother cause of the age diff.

Anyways, Christmas break comes and shes home for 3 weeks. The first night shes home she brings her best friend to watch me play hockey (I had been assuming she was hiding this from her friends cause of my age) so I'm super stoked. By this time I need to admit I was willing to date this girl regardless of her age. I had fully fallen for her. As the next 3 weeks progress, the texting slows right down, and I hardly see her as she has fam and friends to visit as well. As you can imagine I am getting quite down cause I start realizing there isn't much past a texting realtionship and I may be just the guy she she uses for "attention" when she's homesick. I finally just laid it out and told her I needed to know if there would ever be a chance of us actually officially dating, cause if not I need to move on from this. After a couple days we had a talk and she admits that is was a hard decision but it will never happen (although her parents said they gave approval?) and that she never wants to lose me as a friend. At this point I said OK but I don't know how I'm going to be a good friend when I have such strong feelings. We went to a movie, I hasd a cry and we basically said good bye.

Fast forward two days, and we are texting again just like we were before.

It's now March, and nothing has changed except the "babe", and sexy talk has really slowed down and almost ceased. She has been home 3 times simce Christams and we've hung out as "friends" every time but it hasn't gone further.

Here's my huge problem. I have fallen for this girl very hard. I think about her constantly, compare every girl to her, and can't move on to a realistic relationship because of it. We talk every day, probably 50 texts a day minimum, we talk about everything. On the weekends if she's out, I get the "I really miss you", and "I'll never find a guy like you my age" texts. Last wkd I got another "photo" sent. I'm certainly not complaining about that stuff but it's confusing the **** out of me. We both get jealous when we know the other is talking to guys/girls...it's ridiculous.

She is moving home in April, and I need to get this figured out fast.

HELP.

**I have said to her many times no communication is the only way we can make this better if we can't date...but she disagrees and I can't bring myself to stop contacting her. It's not as easy to do as it sounds.

[someguy2011]

You have got only that girl to give attention to. But that girl may have apart from you a few others to give attention. For you she is the only important thing. For her you are one among the more important things.

You want all the time to see your self and her indulge in messaging and going out etc, but for her it depends on whether there is not something important currently for her that can keep her busy from messaging you.

Definitely if age difference was less then she would have taken you more seriously. Even one of my freinds was told by a girl of 17 years the same thing that she would have got in to a serious relationship if the age diffrence was not 10 years between them.

You are still lucky with her because many of those girls who become online freinds dont bother to meet. She has atleast indulged in kissing and hugging with you. Now you should not put pressure about relationship with her. If it has worked up to kissing and hugging, it may work a little further too. So no need to loose hope even though there is every chance that she may find someone else. But just try to keep things simple and emphasize on those things that make her happy. when ever she meets you make it ensured that you make her happy and try to keep her sensuality aroused by your touches that she may remember even after she goes back after the date.

[gregfurcal]

Thank you for your feedback. I am sure she has other options as well, but I firmly believe her when she tells me she doesnt talk to other guys like she does with me. If she did she would be on her phone constantly. I do have other options, several girls interested. However none of them do as much for me as she does...when I receive a msg or see her it makes me very happy...really don't want to lose that. At the same time it's not fair for me to pursue anyone else when I'm just not into it...and my heart is elsewhere.

[ShatteredReality]

Basically you either need to go NC...or you can hang on to this and see if anything happens in April when she moves home. If by...say...June....you two aren't making ANY progress towards a relationship then you might want to go NC then. It is all up to you - how long are you going to give this to turn into more than a frienship? And - if you initiate NC will she go insane not being able to talk to you or will she also move on? Hard to say - you need to be ok with either outcome though. The only way to get over her, though, will be time without her.

[someguy2011]

So with you she can talk comfortably about anything. Well nice to know that. So that's one of good the qualities that she finds in you whencompared to others. Also she is comfortable to make physical contacts with you, however freindly those contacts may be.

So there are definitely considerable positives for you that you can work on.

A woman's mind is always seeking balance between the various things in the outside environment. They always do only those things that will help them maintain that balance. May be now that mind sees the things currently between you and her as something that wont disturb that balance or that which actually helps to maintain that vital balance.

So you need to carefully make her mind realize also that the physical relationship between you and her will actually help her maintain that all vital balance.

Women are not like men. For men it is either "hit it" or "forget it".

For women it is not that simple as 1 or 0. They always seek to balance out various things. And this is what makes them calculative and makes them play different games. And hence women become difficult to understand for men.

[mtber75]

Most young girls (guys especially) are not ready for a serious relationship. But I assume that you are (since I'm the same age)? You already let her know how you feel so I think the ball is in her court to decide if she wants be more serious. But don't be pushy or clingy!

[East7]

It sounds like you are more complexed about the age gap than she is. She doesn't care, if she did, she wouldn't have started anything with you. If she is mature she will not see it as a problem.

 

Anyway, like a poster said here, don't make her a priority because she is just starting her life, she may have lots of projects. Not be clingy, let her chase you instead, much better.

[gregfurcal]

Great advice, thanks. It's funny cause when I back off and slow the communicating down she senses it immediately, and calls me out. I just don't get how someone can devote that much time too someone (like I am to her) and not truley feel more then friends? So confusing. I have never talked to someone as much as I do her...including any exes. And I really do enjoy it...which makes it so hard to stop. When I do stop my mind races and I start fearing she will just move on right away. However she repeatedly tells me she doesn't want to ever NOT be friends.

For the record, most of my buddies think she's using me for comfort while she's away for school...which may be a very accurate assumption.

Edited March 8, 2011 by gregfurcal

[runner]

gtfo of there man, it's not a healthy place to be. bite the bullet and admit to yourself and her that the friendship cannot continue whilst you have strong feelings for her. back off, allow yourself to find your feet again, and date a girl who wants to be your gf. i'm not saying burn your bridges completely with this girl, but clearly you need some distance from her.

[East7]

Great advice, thanks. It's funny cause when I back off and slow the communicating down she senses it immediately, and calls me out.

 

It means she is insecure and she wants to validate that you have still interest in her.

 

I just don't get how someone can devote that much time too someone (like I am to her) and not truley feel more then friends? So confusing. I have never talked to someone as much as I do her...including any exes. And I really do enjoy it...which makes it so hard to stop. When I do stop my mind races and I start fearing she will just move on right away.

Well this is less cool...you are insecure too. You don't get a girl by "devoting time"..it would be so easy if that was true. Don't be so available you may burn out her interest in you. Even if you enjoy it, give her some space, give her a chance to miss you.

.

For the record, most of my buddies think she's using me for comfort while she's away for school...which may be a very accurate assumption.

How so? If she will be away for school, she doesn't need you. If she is keeping this alive, she is interested.

 

Have you seen the movie "Going the distance?" it is a good example...Keep it light, funny and nice, when she finishes school you guys may end up together. But don't run after her, she is insecure and she may not appreciate that. Make her insecure once in a while to keep her hooked on .

 

Also don't talk about being friends. If you accept being friend you give her implicit permission to date other guys.

[gregfurcal]

@East7 - Honestly I'm not really that insecure, I just wanna do everything I can to get this girl. Like I said before, she is an amazing women.

The away from school thing...perhaps she is just homesick and likes the attention from a a familiar person back home? I really don't know.

And as much as i would love to keep playing the cat and mouse game of intentionally making her show interest in me (telling her I am talking to other girls, letting her know about dates I go on), I can't continue to do it. 6 months is long enough. But I understand what your saying.

 

@shatteredreality - Yes, the only way to get over her is to implement NC.

 

@runner - That is the hardest thing to hear, but probably the route I need to take. This includes eliminating BB pin, FB contacts, and emails. I just don't know if I'm ready to do that...simply becuase of the way she reacts when I hint at it.

 

Thanks for your input. You have no idea how much it means to talk to someone about this...it's all confusing. And to think at 34 I thought I had it all figured out....

Edited March 9, 2011 by gregfurcal

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I just wanna do everything I can to get this girl.

 

 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand still again, the only reason why men have any interest in being mere "friends" with women is because those men have romantic feelings for such women.

 

You inspired her to tell you the truth, she told you the truth, and now you won't accept it.

[starryeyed12]

My ex was 11 years older than me. I can tell you that there will be some issues with that along the way that require a very mature young woman to deal with. There are pressures and judgements from friends and family. Each situation is obviously different and my friends wanted me to be happy, but there were times when it was hard to close the generation gap. Also, my family did say they were fine with it when our relationship started off, but as we grew closer they had more and more to say about the age gap and the issues they saw ahead. Again, these are by no means deal breakers, but something that she probably contemplates.

 

The biggest thing that jumps out as a red flag to me is the simple fact that she can spend time with you when she comes home and not have the major desire to jump your bones! My ex was hot and the chemistry was undeniable. There's no way I could have gone more than a few dates, let alone months of seeing and talking to each other, without consummating the relationship. Unless she is religious or saving sex for marriage or what have you, to me this is a sign that she "friend zoned" you hardcore. She teasing you with the flirty texts and pictures to keep you invested.

 

This girl sounds immature and unsure of herself. She wants your attention, and she's willing to string you along. She's young and has lots of options, the ball is always going to be in her court.

[runner]

She wants your attention, and she's willing to string you along. She's young and has lots of options, the ball is always going to be in her court.

 

underlined, quoted, bolded and italicised for emphasis

[gregfurcal]

Yea the "friend zone" is def how it's looking.

 

Couple other details...I have driven the 12 hour round trip to see her too. Dinner, movie, stayed over, etc...but of course nothing intimate. She asked when I may visit again? Also, I am working out of town this wkd, 4 hours from where she is. She suggested coming to see me, which would mean staying at my hotel. ??? How she can refrain from anything physical baffles me too. And no she's not waiting for marriage, ect....we've had that discussion. Says she'd fall for me more if it went any further. Why is that a bad thing?

[reservoirdog1]

I'm not going to go so far as to ascribe negative motivations to her (she may have them, but I'm not going to go there), but it's been made pretty clear by her that things aren't going to develop with her. The subtext to that is "at least while you continue doing things the way you are."

 

She's saying just enough of the right kind of things to keep you attached, interested and wondering. That's why you willingly make the 12-hour round trip for what's basically a friendship. No problem doing that, as long as friendship is all you want.

 

But it isn't -- you want more. She knows this very well.

 

So, here's what you need to do. Stop courting her. No more flowers, no more pseudo-dates, no more driving hours out of your way to see her, no more flirty messages. Let her initiate EVERYTHING. Don't act pissy with her when she calls or texts you; act like a strong, confident guy who's simply too busy to keep playing these silly games.

 

And, most importantly -- go on a few dates with other women. And don't keep those a secret from her. LET HER CHASE YOU.

 

If she doesn't chase you, or if she otherwise loses interest and stops contacting you, then you have your answer, and you can proceed through your life without her, and with your dignity intact. If she starts making efforts to win you over, goes out of her way to see YOU or pursue YOU, then respond -- but keep making her work to occupy a place in your life.

 

What you describe as the current situation is highly one-sided, and you're not getting anything out of it except confusion, hurt feelings and diminished self-esteem.

[gregfurcal]

I'm not going to go so far as to ascribe negative motivations to her (she may have them, but I'm not going to go there), but it's been made pretty clear by her that things aren't going to develop with her. The subtext to that is "at least while you continue doing things the way you are."

 

She's saying just enough of the right kind of things to keep you attached, interested and wondering. That's why you willingly make the 12-hour round trip for what's basically a friendship. No problem doing that, as long as friendship is all you want.

 

But it isn't -- you want more. She knows this very well.

 

So, here's what you need to do. Stop courting her. No more flowers, no more pseudo-dates, no more driving hours out of your way to see her, no more flirty messages. Let her initiate EVERYTHING. Don't act pissy with her when she calls or texts you; act like a strong, confident guy who's simply too busy to keep playing these silly games.

 

And, most importantly -- go on a few dates with other women. And don't keep those a secret from her. LET HER CHASE YOU.

 

If she doesn't chase you, or if she otherwise loses interest and stops contacting you, then you have your answer, and you can proceed through your life without her, and with your dignity intact. If she starts making efforts to win you over, goes out of her way to see YOU or pursue YOU, then respond -- but keep making her work to occupy a place in your life.

 

What you describe as the current situation is highly one-sided, and you're not getting anything out of it except confusion, hurt feelings and diminished self-esteem.

 

Very good insight and advice. Thank you.

 

I guess it's one of those things that I know in the back of my mind, but scared to implement as I don't want her to simply walk away. However, that's what needs to happen if she truely isn't interested. I hate these games:(

[reservoirdog1]

Very good insight and advice. Thank you.

 

I guess it's one of those things that I know in the back of my mind, but scared to implement as I don't want her to simply walk away. However, that's what needs to happen if she truely isn't interested. I hate these games:(

If you implement those suggestions and she walks away, then she wasn't interested in anything more than friendship anyway. And then, what have you lost, except continued blows to your self-esteem?

 

But, if you implement the suggestions and she wants to be with you, she won't walk away from you just out of spite. She'll try to find a way to stay in your life and to re-ignite your interest in her. You need to stay strong at that point -- don't revert to what you've been doing up to now. Continue to make her work for your time and attention. Her level of interest in you will grow.

 

Remember, attraction isn't a choice.

[starryeyed12]

I guess it's one of those things that I know in the back of my mind, but scared to implement as I don't want her to simply walk away. However, that's what needs to happen if she truely isn't interested. I hate these games:(

 

 

If she is able to simply walk away from you then who knows what else she would have or could have been capable of doing to you...

 

I agree you have to back off until she comes to you. Keep your cool because that's what will win her over if you truly have the right connection. I know it sounds counter-productive, but it works. Also, part of the appeal of an older man to a young woman is that feeling of stability and level-headedness (even if it's just a stereotype). She will want to win back your favor...let her.

 

The games do get old quickly, but you are dealing with a 22 year old. When you play with fire, you are likely to get burned.

 

Stay strong.

[gregfurcal]

Update. We spent the summer hanging out, going to football games, watching movies,etc...all friend activities. In the last couple weeks she showed me an email from her father, giving her 100% support if she want to be with an older guy like myself. He said he knows I will take care of her, respect her, etc. She then took me out to their weekend lake home to "meet the parents". Everything went very well, her parents were very accepting and seemed very interested in getting to know me. I am also invited to their best friends' sons wedding coming up with their daughter.

Now, before all this happened I told her that meeting her parents was a big step in a direction I wasn't sure she was planning on taking. She agreed on the fact that it was a "big step" but danced around the other part.

She continues to insist she does not want a relationship until she is done school...whcih is 8 months from now. She has said this from day 1. She will not give me a def yes or no if we are going to be able to try it "if" I wait this long again. If it was a for sure "yes", of course I would wait. But I don't want to get burned here...that would be a waste of nearly 2 years.

I really like this girl. And so you guys know...there is no other guys involved, I strongly believe that as I have discussed it with two of her best buds. I just can't believe it's 6 months later and I'm still stuck here.

[ThsAmericanLife]

@East7 - Honestly I'm not really that insecure, I just wanna do everything I can to get this girl. Like I said before, she is an amazing women.

The away from school thing...perhaps she is just homesick and likes the attention from a a familiar person back home? I really don't know.

And as much as i would love to keep playing the cat and mouse game of intentionally making her show interest in me (telling her I am talking to other girls, letting her know about dates I go on), I can't continue to do it. 6 months is long enough. But I understand what your saying.

 

@shatteredreality - Yes, the only way to get over her is to implement NC.

 

@runner - That is the hardest thing to hear, but probably the route I need to take. This includes eliminating BB pin, FB contacts, and emails. I just don't know if I'm ready to do that...simply becuase of the way she reacts when I hint at it.

 

Thanks for your input. You have no idea how much it means to talk to someone about this...it's all confusing. And to think at 34 I thought I had it all figured out....

 

She's hardly a 'woman'. She's technically been an adult for 4 years.

 

You've been an adult for 16 years.

 

Give it up.

[gregfurcal]

My ex was 11 years older than me. I can tell you that there will be some issues with that along the way that require a very mature young woman to deal with. There are pressures and judgements from friends and family. Each situation is obviously different and my friends wanted me to be happy, but there were times when it was hard to close the generation gap. Also, my family did say they were fine with it when our relationship started off, but as we grew closer they had more and more to say about the age gap and the issues they saw ahead. Again, these are by no means deal breakers, but something that she probably contemplates.

 

The biggest thing that jumps out as a red flag to me is the simple fact that she can spend time with you when she comes home and not have the major desire to jump your bones! My ex was hot and the chemistry was undeniable. There's no way I could have gone more than a few dates, let alone months of seeing and talking to each other, without consummating the relationship. Unless she is religious or saving sex for marriage or what have you, to me this is a sign that she "friend zoned" you hardcore. She teasing you with the flirty texts and pictures to keep you invested.

 

This girl sounds immature and unsure of herself. She wants your attention, and she's willing to string you along. She's young and has lots of options, the ball is always going to be in her court.

 

Something else to consider...there is a very good chance of the above hilited text. Her family is religious, she has only had one boyfriend in the past as far as I know, and he left her for a girl with a child (and not meaning to sound rude, but quite a drop in attractiveness IMO). That does not compute to me.

[ShatteredReality]

Well...if you're getting to spend the time with her and enjoy her company then you're in a relationship. If you hold hands or kiss or anything like that...you're in a relationship. One thing I learned was that, in youth, we tend to try to claim that not putting a title on something changes what it is. This is a loophole we give ourselves. Reality is - if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck - it's a freaking duck. You may just have a friendship right now without the physical stuff - but if you like her that much, can't that be enough for awhile? Showing her that you respect her by letting her finish her schooling? I know plenty of women who are afraid getting into a serious relationship means ending whatever track they're on....and it can for some women. It can for men too - not trying to be gender biased...but men can't get pregnant, so it's a little different in that arena. My second child came at the beginning of a new career...and the result was not getting picked for work because I was obviously going to need time off very soon. Proving they picked others over me just because of the pregnancy wasn't worth my time...so I left that field and took some time to be with my kids...I changed tracks. I don't resent it, I am glad I took that time with my kids - but many women aren't like me that way - they have a plan and when it gets interrupted they build resentments.

 

Just a thought...I can't tell you to stay or go, I won't say she is or isn't stringing you along...I am not close enough to the situation to know for sure...only you can do that. And in order to do it you have to take a step back and take a good look.

[CarrieT]

Greg, I am going to tell you a secret about women and the difference between a 22 year old and a 32 year old.

 

NIGHT AND DAY.

 

There is a reason they used to call it the Seven Year Itch; because people got married in their early twenties and when they hit their early thirties, their complete psychological make-up changes...

 

The GIRL you know now as a 22-year old might care for you tremendously and might be everything you want in a relationship. But I can absolutely guarantee - 100% - that within a decade, she will completely change who she is, what she wants (including you and the relationship), and how she looks at the world.

 

This fact alone is why so many marriages which start with people in their 20s do not last.

 

It isn't just women -- although I believe it is more pronounced and evident... Think about what you were like in your early 20s and how you feel about life and the general direction you are going in now. Did you know what you wanted then? Did you have an inkling of the gestalt of the global mindset and your feelings about existing on a day-to-day basis?

 

This girl is just starting to learn these things and if she engages in a long-term, committed relationship this early with an older man, in due course (about eight years or so, give-or-take), she will question her choices and her direction and she will probably want out of the relationship...

 

Unless of course you get her pregnant early on and she then feels tied to her children more than her husband (read all those Ending Marriage/Infidelity threads).