Great relationship, less sex, why?

[EmHope]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 months and things were going great. We are in the same office same department (different team) and spending lots of time together (yes maybe it is too much).

 

Problem. We have less and less sex. I'm 29 and he's 32. I would be thinking if it is my problem as at our age, having sex once in every two weeks sounds odd. It happened since he moved into a new apartment 2 months ago.

 

I cannot explain, nor I find any communication problem between us. We argue sometimes but just over minor things. We talk every night before bed about our day, our friends and colleagues, and joke around sometimes. I would stay over his place like at least 3 times a week. I wouldn't doubt that he adores me but lately once I initiate it, I got rejected. I felt bad about it.

 

I'm 5'6, 115lb Eurasian it's not that I'm overweighted or not attractive.

 

He said he wasn't happy at work. Would it be the reason? Any thought?

[make me believe]

Yeah, I suppose not being happy at work could cause his sex drive to plummet, but you need to be up front and ask him. Tell him you're not satisfied or happy with only having sex once every two weeks, and see if he's willing to compromise with you or at least communicate with you about what the problem is. I think once every 2 weeks when you're only 5 months into the relationship (and you said this started 2 months ago, after you'd only been dating for 3 months) is a very bad sign, though. I honestly wouldn't put up with that if he wasn't willing to make some changes.

[EmHope]

Ya Bad sign isn't it.

 

Indeed, I tried last night. He wasn't feel like it at first but I told him I wasn't happy because it's again been two weeks so ended up we had sex, but not a good one. I feel like forcing him.

[EmHope]

As far as I remember, women kept telling me that love is all that matters.

 

Oh my ... I feel even worse ...

[Knittress]

As far as I remember, women kept telling me that love is all that matters.

 

...that's the sort of thing a disappointed woman would say when she's trying to convince herself not to break up with you.

[poorguy]

As a guy who has a busy,stressful job that often times I'm not happy with, I will tell you that it has at times affected my sex life. It's weird and I wish I knew why. My last GF was a gorgeuos girl who loved having sex with me whenever she possibly could and I thought she was the sexiest girl on the planet but when I have had a stressful week or what not at work I just couldn't do it. So in closing, yes it does have an affect on men sometimes

[oaks]

Indeed, I tried last night. He wasn't feel like it at first but I told him I wasn't happy because it's again been two weeks so ended up we had sex, but not a good one. I feel like forcing him.

 

Well, not feeling like it is fine for guys just as it's fine for girls, but if it's an ongoing/recurring pattern like you've described then somehow you need to talk with him in a non-confrontational way and find out if there's a problem (which might not be a problem with him, it could just be that you and he aren't sexually compatible).

[GivenUp0083]

EmHope, I'm sure this is hard for you and I feel your frustration. You seem like a very nice girl.

 

Maybe try to help talk to him about his issues with work or what's bothering him. Maybe it's something you don't even know about or maybe there's a problem with your relationship he is feeling on his end that he's not sharing with you. Just from what I hear, I sense there might be something really wrong that is really hurting his sex drive. When a guy is stressed out enough or worried about something he can't even think of sex.

 

As for you, I wouldn't let this go on too long. Maybe try to talk to him about it in a more positive surrounding. Go out on a date and have a lot of fun and when you're laughing, casually bring up how much you care for him and want to be more intimate with him. Offer to do something for him he likes or ask if there's anything you can do to help.

 

If you've exhausted all your efforts and talked to him a few times but he's not responding or won't share what his issue is, then you deserve better. Sex is very important in a relationship and if you stay with him or even marry him you can't have the expectation it will just get better with time.

[EmHope]

EmHope, I'm sure this is hard for you and I feel your frustration. You seem like a very nice girl.

 

Maybe try to help talk to him about his issues with work or what's bothering him. Maybe it's something you don't even know about or maybe there's a problem with your relationship he is feeling on his end that he's not sharing with you. Just from what I hear, I sense there might be something really wrong that is really hurting his sex drive. When a guy is stressed out enough or worried about something he can't even think of sex.

 

As for you, I wouldn't let this go on too long. Maybe try to talk to him about it in a more positive surrounding. Go out on a date and have a lot of fun and when you're laughing, casually bring up how much you care for him and want to be more intimate with him. Offer to do something for him he likes or ask if there's anything you can do to help.

 

If you've exhausted all your efforts and talked to him a few times but he's not responding or won't share what his issue is, then you deserve better. Sex is very important in a relationship and if you stay with him or even marry him you can't have the expectation it will just get better with time.

 

Yes. We are in the same office so I know exactly what is going on about his work.

 

Thing is he's willing to share his thought. So I don't understand why it happens. It's not like I wasn't responding. I'm attentive, I listen but not giving too much personal opinion as I know it may not sound appropriate (we are in the same office, afterall).

[EmHope]

Well, not feeling like it is fine for guys just as it's fine for girls, but if it's an ongoing/recurring pattern like you've described then somehow you need to talk with him in a non-confrontational way and find out if there's a problem (which might not be a problem with him, it could just be that you and he aren't sexually compatible).

 

I wasn't like that in the beginning of our relationship. We were like having 3 times during a weekend so I think he's not sexually incompatible.

 

So how should I start in a non-confrontational way? I doubt if he's aware of the problem at all.

[EmHope]

As a guy who has a busy,stressful job that often times I'm not happy with, I will tell you that it has at times affected my sex life. It's weird and I wish I knew why. My last GF was a gorgeuos girl who loved having sex with me whenever she possibly could and I thought she was the sexiest girl on the planet but when I have had a stressful week or what not at work I just couldn't do it. So in closing, yes it does have an affect on men sometimes

 

So how did she react at that time? I mean, am I over-reacted?

[ConflictedGuy27]

this is a normal LTR/marriage phenomena.

 

I was married for 3 years to my ex wife (with her for collectively 8) & there were times when everything else seemed cool, but we fell off towards the 2 - 3x month deal too. it's disappointing when you do the math, I know. tough schedules had a lot to do with it -- little time to recharge personally, let alone knock each others' socks off in bed.

 

the schedule stuff was a factor, but honestly we both sorta got bored & took each other's bodies for granted. that was until we started to give each other massages. which more often than not led to passionate sex.

 

it wasn't necessarily an erotic thing. back then it would begin as an over the clothes back massage after she or I got home (but it would inevitably become more intimate in nature). the aromas were pretty stimulating too.

 

while watching tv together, I'd rub her back, legs, etc., just watching her react in pleasure and/or pain. it really worked well. for me, because it gave me an opportunity to really appreciate her body -- especially since I'd seen her naked so many times, you know? casual foreplay maybe? for her cause getting touched all over felt good & revved her up like little else.

 

I think it was the intimacy that did it. touching & kissing are both very powerful and as relationships move forward (at least in my experience) both stop happening as frequently.

 

on a basic level massage brought the touch component back. that was totally necessary, in my case, because the desire to rip our clothes off merely at the sight of each other faded years prior.

 

massage worked for me, but my guess is anything you can do to get more touching/passionate kissing going, enthusiastically, will likely lead to a lot more sex.

[poorguy]

So how did she react at that time? I mean, am I over-reacted?

 

 

No your not over reacting I don't think. You have a concern and are trying your best to get clarification-and that's a good thing.

 

Um I guess she understood to a degree?? She probably was wondering the same thing you are though. That's why when I read your thread I had to comment.

 

If we weren't both sleeping with new people now I would ask her though because it is a good question that you had lol

[ConflictedGuy27]

I wasn't like that in the beginning of our relationship. We were like having 3 times during a weekend so I think he's not sexually incompatible.

 

So how should I start in a non-confrontational way? I doubt if he's aware of the problem at all.

 

"here. [hand him massage oil] think you could help me with something a little later? I need you."

 

use your awesome chick powers of seduction instead of a discussion.

[EmHope]

"here. [hand him massage oil] think you could help me with something a little later? I need you."

 

use your awesome chick powers of seduction instead of a discussion.

 

Ya the massage oil I bought 3 weeks ago is sitting peacefully on his bed-side table. LOL why would I forget?

[Seamless74]

while watching tv together, I'd rub her back, legs, etc., just watching her react in pleasure and/or pain. it really worked well. for me, because it gave me an opportunity to really appreciate her body -- especially since I'd seen her naked so many times, you know? casual foreplay maybe? for her cause getting touched all over felt good & revved her up like little else.

 

 

Thats really great advice.. not only that footrubs, backscratches, baths together, showers together, anything thats physical but not sex more often than not will make either one or both members of the couple horny after a bit and even if not (rare) is some sort of physical intimacy...

 

 

The main problem I see with women regarding this issue; is that for some reason they take for granted that guys after awhile 5 months of 5 years whatever get bored with just sex for sex's sake (with the same person anyway) and can begin to feel like on top of everything thats going on in their life, (work, stress, problems what have you) that theyre expected to come home and give you body rocking sex the minutes the lights go off every night.. it can become a performance anxiety thing feeling like they have to be some kind of ****toy at their womans behest whenever they like regardless of the mans mood at the time..

 

 

So what a smart woman must realize contrary to TV shows and beer commercials and anything else regarding this topic thats directly marked toward your brain is that men especially older 30+ men need some mental or lightly physical suggestive warm up just like woman do...especially in long term or committed relationships..

[depplover_1980]

Was he a very sexual person to begin with? Have you two talked sexual fantasies?

 

Also you both need to go out on a fun date, have a couple of drinks and loosen up, grab each other for a big kiss and back to the bedroom for raw sex!!

 

If you get him to start forgetting his problems and having fun you will have sex.

[Knittress]

"If he loves you, he will wait until marriage."

"If he loves you, he will not leave you over sex."

"If he loves you, he will still be attracted to you even if you get fat."

"If he loves you, he will still be attracted to you even if you get old."

"If he loves you, he will stay and help you if you are poor."

 

Women want 'love' to conquer all unless if it works against them.

 

Um... are you automatically equating 'woman' with 'Adolescent Biblecamp Shrew?' Maybe you should get out more?

 

Guys, there are a lot of good LTR suggestions about fostering intimacy and maintaining a romantic connection, but have you missed the part where the OP mentioned that they've only been together FIVE MONTHS? This is not normal.

[EmHope]

Was he a very sexual person to begin with? Have you two talked sexual fantasies?

 

Also you both need to go out on a fun date, have a couple of drinks and loosen up, grab each other for a big kiss and back to the bedroom for raw sex!!

 

If you get him to start forgetting his problems and having fun you will have sex.

 

He isn't very sexual to be honest, in comparison to my guys friends around his age.

 

Talking about fun date out, we haven't done that for a long time. Does weekend movies count?

[EmHope]

Um... are you automatically equating 'woman' with 'Adolescent Biblecamp Shrew?' Maybe you should get out more?

 

Guys, there are a lot of good LTR suggestions about fostering intimacy and maintaining a romantic connection, but have you missed the part where the OP mentioned that they've only been together FIVE MONTHS? This is not normal.

 

Yes it is only 5 months. Even though sex is not particular the most important part but it's not like I can live without it.

[EmHope]

The main problem I see with women regarding this issue; is that for some reason they take for granted that guys after awhile 5 months of 5 years whatever get bored with just sex for sex's sake (with the same person anyway) and can begin to feel like on top of everything thats going on in their life, (work, stress, problems what have you) that theyre expected to come home and give you body rocking sex the minutes the lights go off every night.. it can become a performance anxiety thing feeling like they have to be some kind of ****toy at their womans behest whenever they like regardless of the mans mood at the time..

 

 

So what a smart woman must realize contrary to TV shows and beer commercials and anything else regarding this topic thats directly marked toward your brain is that men especially older 30+ men need some mental or lightly physical suggestive warm up just like woman do...especially in long term or committed relationships..

 

Again, it's not 5 years we have been together. We begin intimated after 1 month of dating so meaning that it's only 4 months and he gets bored? The whole point is I just want to get closer to my SO just like everyone does. It bothers me because I don't want it sounds desperate for bringing this up.

[Fee]

Do you think he could be resentful towards you about something? According to the book "He's Just Not Up For It Anymore" the number one cause for abstinence is repressed anger. Some men just aren't that good at communicating. My ex turned me down for that "reason", it was horrible.

[depplover_1980]

He isn't very sexual to be honest, in comparison to my guys friends around his age.

 

Talking about fun date out, we haven't done that for a long time. Does weekend movies count?

 

No I would not count weekend movies because you go get tickets and sit next to each other in silence for 2 hours. I am talking go play games, or go for nice food, if you don't drink much have one to loosen up. Talk about when your first starting going out, discuss any future plans you both have etc. If you have a night of fun, you should have no problem making the sexual moves on him when you get through the door!

[EmHope]

Do you think he could be resentful towards you about something? According to the book "He's Just Not Up For It Anymore" the number one cause for abstinence is repressed anger. Some men just aren't that good at communicating. My ex turned me down for that "reason", it was horrible.

 

I really don't know. It was all about work and our boss he said.

[Fee]

Maybe he never got over one of the 'small, silly' fights you had. Guys are like this sometimes. Either he'll get over it, if that is the reason, or the truth will eventually come out. But trust me, he knows you want it and isn't giving it. This could either be to outside stress as he says (understandable) or to get back at you (unhealthy and emotionally abusive). My ex was all about 'work stress' and 'sore back' and 'sore head' until finally he came clean and said it was due to anger at me. It was like being punched in the face as he was so pleasant to me otherwise but maliciously punishing me in this way, over what I thought was a 'resolved' minor fight. Hopefully this isn't the case with you, but thought I would put that out there. Withholding sex is no joke and can really damage a relationship.