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Why do some boyfriends just disappear for a day or two and ignore you?


Hopeful30

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Things are going fine, and then the moment something might get a bit tense, he just disappears! Ignores me! I texted him maybe twice, and called him once during a period of about a whole day, and nothing! Why do they do this?

 

And then they blame US for being insecure? My phone wasn't working for 3 hours and he FLIPPED OUT thinking I was doing something wrong! Yet when HE does the same thing, I'm the crazy b*tch for acting calm and simply asking why he was ignoring me? I dont get it.

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This is NOT NORMAL boyfriend behaviour.

 

If he actually called you "crazy bitch" that's really not cool.

 

He sounds manipulative and cruel. Not contacting you for a whole day over a minor thing? Flipping out when your phone does something weird? Calling you names?

 

REPEAT: THIS IS NOT NORMAL BOYFRIEND BEHAVIOUR.

 

Do not think this is normal -- if you do, that will mean you will put up with it, and you SHOULD NOT.

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My ex would do that, he would say he just needed time to think about things. Needless to say it's unfair to the other party involved because you're clueless as to what is going on. He should at least say something not totally ignore you. Next time he does it, don't contact him let him contact you.

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This is NOT NORMAL boyfriend behaviour.

 

If he actually called you "crazy bitch" that's really not cool.

 

He sounds manipulative and cruel. Not contacting you for a whole day over a minor thing? Flipping out when your phone does something weird? Calling you names?

 

REPEAT: THIS IS NOT NORMAL BOYFRIEND BEHAVIOUR.

 

Do not think this is normal -- if you do, that will mean you will put up with it, and you SHOULD NOT.

 

He has never called me names, not once. What I meant was that it's a big deal when I'm unavailable, yet it shouldn't be when he is. Seems like a double standard.

 

There are no red flags to point to cheating or anything like that, but when you have a bad feeling, I usually follow that. When he asked to be exclusive, he should know that it means YOU DONT IGNORE THE GIRL YOU ARE DATING.

 

Some men say he might be stressed and thats why, others say he just withdraws into his "cave" because thats what men do. I'm not the kind to hound him down to see what he is up to, but I won't lie im beginning to feel insecure because of him doing this.

 

Every time I break up with him for doing these things (that make me feel disrespected or insecure) then he ends up running right after me and then we kiss and make up. He can be so hot and cold, and I know it stems from me. When i'm happy so is he. When i'm a bit upset then so is he, and then he WITHDRAWS from me. I can be upset for a tiny thing, an hour later I will msg him to see what he is up to and NOTHING. It's not like i'm giving him grief, it's behind us moving on. But he seems to take everything so personally.

 

His mood depends on my mood, and if things get a bit tense for whatever reason, he withdraws like a mad man and I find myself wondering what the hell is going on.

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This sounds more like a fundamental personality issue rather than a relationship problem. He likely uses avoidance as a defense mechanism to conflict. Instead of confronting an issue and communicating with you, he'd rather just avoid you altogether.

 

It reminds me of an episode of How I Met Your Mother when Barney and Robin were dating. Every time they were about to get into a fight, Barney would just walk out the door. Can't fight if you're not there, right...?

 

Chances are that he will continue this behavior as it is probably permanently rooted in his system.

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People act silly when you start talking about being exclusive. People change like they have to act a different way on not be themselves.

 

I don't even bring that up when I'm seeing a girl. We just enjoy each other for what it is and then a ways down the road I tell her BTW your not single anymore :p

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Every time I break up with him for doing these things (that make me feel disrespected or insecure) then he ends up running right after me and then we kiss and make up. He can be so hot and cold, and I know it stems from me.

 

This yo-yo relationship doesn't sound very healthy. Sounds like you're incompatible and you're both playing tit-for-tat games.

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This sounds more like a fundamental personality issue rather than a relationship problem. He likely uses avoidance as a defense mechanism to conflict. Instead of confronting an issue and communicating with you, he'd rather just avoid you altogether.

 

It reminds me of an episode of How I Met Your Mother when Barney and Robin were dating. Every time they were about to get into a fight, Barney would just walk out the door. Can't fight if you're not there, right...?

 

Chances are that he will continue this behavior as it is probably permanently rooted in his system.

 

You are SO RIGHT! I've never thought of that. Now that you mention it you are right. He tries to avoid conflict at any cost (well not ANY cost but you know what I mean). When things get tense he just disappears (even if we don't fight). When he fights with his friends he ignores then too. Even when he has trouble with family he just tries to occupy himself with other things. You are SO right.

 

The thing I don't understand though is I msged him asking "baby what are you up to tonight" and then later "is everything okay haven't heard from you". Obviously I'm not mad at him so why would he continue to ignore me then?

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The thing I don't understand though is I msged him asking "baby what are you up to tonight" and then later "is everything okay haven't heard from you". Obviously I'm not mad at him so why would he continue to ignore me then?

 

Perhaps he still has unresolved issues (i.e., he is still mad at you) for whatever reason and is still in withdrawal mode.

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Perhaps he still has unresolved issues (i.e., he is still mad at you) for whatever reason and is still in withdrawal mode.

 

I've never been with a man who withdraws to this extent. Emotionally yes they won't be as affectionate, but I've never experience THIS. THIS being that he ignores me entirely. Is this normal for a man? Should I be worried?

 

It doesn't bother me that he is distancing himself, it bothers me that I don't know why or whats going on. I feel out of the loop and that's what I hate. If I knew he was still pissed at me then I wouldn't be here worrying about what's going on.

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He has never called me names, not once. What I meant was that it's a big deal when I'm unavailable, yet it shouldn't be when he is. Seems like a double standard.

 

There are no red flags to point to cheating or anything like that, but when you have a bad feeling, I usually follow that. When he asked to be exclusive, he should know that it means YOU DONT IGNORE THE GIRL YOU ARE DATING.

 

Some men say he might be stressed and thats why, others say he just withdraws into his "cave" because thats what men do. I'm not the kind to hound him down to see what he is up to, but I won't lie im beginning to feel insecure because of him doing this.

 

Every time I break up with him for doing these things (that make me feel disrespected or insecure) then he ends up running right after me and then we kiss and make up. He can be so hot and cold, and I know it stems from me. When i'm happy so is he. When i'm a bit upset then so is he, and then he WITHDRAWS from me. I can be upset for a tiny thing, an hour later I will msg him to see what he is up to and NOTHING. It's not like i'm giving him grief, it's behind us moving on. But he seems to take everything so personally.

 

It sounds like you two have very different styles of dealing with emotions/ fighting. You sound like you have many smaller ups and downs and get over them quickly. I'm guessing he does not get over things so quickly and these fights/changes in mood affect him more, so he avoids having to deal with it. Therefore, he may benefit from someone who is less moody and you may benefit from someone who isn't so bothered when you get upset over little things. He might mean well, but this pattern is not healthy and one (or both) of you will eventually not be able to handle the fighting.

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People have different modes of diffusing their tension when disagreements arise.

 

While you can't change his behavior, you can incorporate a solution that is mutually agreed upon. You're in a relationship, so it comes with the territory, if both of you want to remain in it.

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It sounds like you two have very different styles of dealing with emotions/ fighting. You sound like you have many smaller ups and downs and get over them quickly. I'm guessing he does not get over things so quickly and these fights/changes in mood affect him more, so he avoids having to deal with it. Therefore, he may benefit from someone who is less moody and you may benefit from someone who isn't so bothered when you get upset over little things. He might mean well, but this pattern is not healthy and one (or both) of you will eventually not be able to handle the fighting.

 

I appreciate your advice, and you're right we handle things very differently. But you see, we don't fight. The last time we fought (was over something very stupid) neither of us called the other for 2 days. We were both so hurt, and when we made up we felt even closer than before. When we fight, it isn't yelling or screaming. Our fights are more like silent treatments and avoiding each other. Then when we FINALLY confront each other, we don't yell or scream either, we talk things out. I don't want to have to not hear from him for a couple days to talk things out.

 

I know I have to be patient, I guess i'm just asking if it's normal for some men to just disappear like he does sometimes. I've never experienced this so I don't know what to make of it.

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it's a big deal when I'm unavailable, yet it shouldn't be when he is. Seems like a double standard.

 

Get used to that sweetpea. I have found that men have a lot of them and their bad behavior is ok but when you do the same thing they get up in arms.

 

The reason for this, I believe, is that women are too quick to think they messed up and men are the opposite. So we perpetuate and promote an environment where we take the blame for what they do and they never examine their own behavior.

 

I think the only thing you can do for your situation is to stop taking it personally back when he withdraws. It does sound like you chase him a little. You are rewarding him for not so great behavior. If he withdraws, let him. Do something fun for you and ignore him. Most often, a withdrawer is a bit like an attention seeking spoiled child. I should know. I do it myself on occasion. I've learned how to open up and communicate but I was like your bf.

 

With me, however, I did have one bf who would let me cool off but would pursue me and sit next to me til then. Then we'd discuss things rationally. But he wouldn't get overly emotional or tense so it was easy. He'd listen to what was bothering me and then he'd talk to me about what he felt. Perhaps when you pursue your bf you get emotional and that's hard for most guys to deal with when they're upset too. He does have feelings too and if you're over emoting while he's upset he's not going to trust that he's going to be heard and I think this is often why a guy's not going to open up.

 

That, and he's a big baby. :D

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Get used to that sweetpea. I have found that men have a lot of them and their bad behavior is ok but when you do the same thing they get up in arms.

 

The reason for this, I believe, is that women are too quick to think they messed up and men are the opposite. So we perpetuate and promote an environment where we take the blame for what they do and they never examine their own behavior.

 

I think the only thing you can do for your situation is to stop taking it personally back when he withdraws. It does sound like you chase him a little. You are rewarding him for not so great behavior. If he withdraws, let him. Do something fun for you and ignore him. Most often, a withdrawer is a bit like an attention seeking spoiled child. I should know. I do it myself on occasion. I've learned how to open up and communicate but I was like your bf.

 

With me, however, I did have one bf who would let me cool off but would pursue me and sit next to me til then. Then we'd discuss things rationally. But he wouldn't get overly emotional or tense so it was easy. He'd listen to what was bothering me and then he'd talk to me about what he felt. Perhaps when you pursue your bf you get emotional and that's hard for most guys to deal with when they're upset too. He does have feelings too and if you're over emoting while he's upset he's not going to trust that he's going to be heard and I think this is often why a guy's not going to open up.

 

That, and he's a big baby. :D

 

 

lol thank you for that :) It's nice to hear it from someone who used to do the same thing. So let me ask you something a bit more personal then. When you would finally decide to get back in touch with him, what was the reaction you wanted from him? Surely you wouldn't expect him to be all warm and loving after you've ignored him?

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lol thank you for that :) It's nice to hear it from someone who used to do the same thing. So let me ask you something a bit more personal then. When you would finally decide to get back in touch with him, what was the reaction you wanted from him? Surely you wouldn't expect him to be all warm and loving after you've ignored him?

 

In my case for that one specific bf, I wanted groveling. But I was in my early 20's and he was the one screwing up. Since I'm female, I expected him to pursue and just be patient until I felt like talking to him again. Bratty, I know. I have gotten my share of it back from guys, though. But when you're the one doing it more, it annoys them and they tend to do it a lot less. lol

 

For a guy, he's going to be contacting you (unless you keep pursuing). And yes, he wants you to pretend like nothing happened. You have to decide how you want to handle it and be consistent with it.

 

Either you ignore and move on with your life and don't engage in any conversations about it.

 

Or you wait til he comes back around and you try to talk to him about it in a non threatening, unemotional way. This way will improve your skills at resolving conflict and is a good tool.

 

My dad always told me that two people are angry at the same time won't resolve a damn thing. If he's the one angriest at the moment, it's best to just sit on your anger (unless he's teh one in egregious error obviously.) He may be acting like a baby but they're his feelings so just hear him out. That's what people want mostly anyway.

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The guy I was dating did that to me once, pulled out an excuse of being sick, I gave him 2nd chance.

I dumped him 2nd time round when he did the same thing and blamed I was being insecure... do hell with a man like this, I am never insecure, he is just not for me... Next !!

I agree with the poster above : This is not a normal boyfriend behaviour !!

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I appreciate your advice, and you're right we handle things very differently. But you see, we don't fight. The last time we fought (was over something very stupid) neither of us called the other for 2 days. We were both so hurt, and when we made up we felt even closer than before. When we fight, it isn't yelling or screaming. Our fights are more like silent treatments and avoiding each other. Then when we FINALLY confront each other, we don't yell or scream either, we talk things out. I don't want to have to not hear from him for a couple days to talk things out.

 

I know I have to be patient, I guess i'm just asking if it's normal for some men to just disappear like he does sometimes. I've never experienced this so I don't know what to make of it.

 

I know it is a annoying to have to wait for that person come around and not fair to you. I am guessing you prefer to confront a situation fairly or withdraw briefly. Whether you will have to wait for days without hearing from him is up to him and what he can handle. To answer the question you posed to Daphne, it would help if you were calm and able to hear him out after he breaks silence rather than being angry at him. Anger will only continue he cycle. Now, I'm not saying that this is easy. My last ex-gf did the same thing and would go MIA for a week when we had a fight. It is a large part of why we broke up. I just couldn't be calm and understanding after she went MIA for a week and then chose e-mail discussion in lieu of talking in person. That is not to say that is what will happen with you and the bf, it is simply that you need to do your part and see if he is willing to try and change his behaviors to help you.

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I know it is a annoying to have to wait for that person come around and not fair to you. I am guessing you prefer to confront a situation fairly or withdraw briefly. Whether you will have to wait for days without hearing from him is up to him and what he can handle. To answer the question you posed to Daphne, it would help if you were calm and able to hear him out after he breaks silence rather than being angry at him. Anger will only continue he cycle. Now, I'm not saying that this is easy. My last ex-gf did the same thing and would go MIA for a week when we had a fight. It is a large part of why we broke up. I just couldn't be calm and understanding after she went MIA for a week and then chose e-mail discussion in lieu of talking in person. That is not to say that is what will happen with you and the bf, it is simply that you need to do your part and see if he is willing to try and change his behaviors to help you.

 

Yes, I prefer getting right to the bottom of things right away. I know men are more passive, and women are more confrontational, I suppose why resolving conflict can be so difficult sometimes. I can be calm and understand, because I am detecting this pattern. He withdraws and distances himself to avoid conflict or when we actually fight. I know I need to be the bigger person sometimes, but I'll be 100% honest. This would be easy for me (I am patient) if I wasn't so paranoid that he was out doing things with other women while he was withdrawing. I can handle the distance, I can't handle the thoughts that run through my head of him with another woman.

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Kind of makes one afraid to have a bad day, if the boyfriend is going to hibernate in a cave for a month because of it. hah

 

And if he's avoiding confict, maybe he really doesn't want to answer those anxious texts. "Everything all right in there, honey? Are you ok? Whatcha up to???"

 

Instead of texts, next time he emerges you can start a conversation with him. "Hey, it doesn't work for me when you withdraw from our relationship for a couple of days. I get worried and feel like you are ignoring me...."

 

Let it be okay to just bring it out in the open and then listen to what he says.

 

... I SO love great communication!!! I need to do it more often!!!

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Yes, I prefer getting right to the bottom of things right away. I know men are more passive, and women are more confrontational, I suppose why resolving conflict can be so difficult sometimes. I can be calm and understand, because I am detecting this pattern. He withdraws and distances himself to avoid conflict or when we actually fight. I know I need to be the bigger person sometimes, but I'll be 100% honest. This would be easy for me (I am patient) if I wasn't so paranoid that he was out doing things with other women while he was withdrawing. I can handle the distance, I can't handle the thoughts that run through my head of him with another woman.

 

Unless he has given you cause to believe that he is doing so, that is your own insecurity about the relationship. This just means his preference for conflict resolution is triggering your insecurity. Talk to hm about it and he can either step up and help you solve the problem or it will continue in a destructive pattern. It is unlikely (and unrealistic) for you to be the bigger person all the time and always being able to aside your insecurities to accommodate him.

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This just means his preference for conflict resolution is triggering your insecurity.

 

YES!!! That is EXACTLY it!!!!!!!!

 

The last time he did this, I ignored him back (yes childish I know). He ended up confronting me about it, arguing that he shouldn't always be the one to be running after me after a fight. Ok, FINE. So this time I decided to be the biggest person and contact him first. Yet he still ignores me? So what's the point then?

 

You're right, i'll talk to him about it next time. I'll tell him that if he wants his space and needs time to cool off, to at least tell me that instead of ignoring me. Hopefully he will take it into consideration.

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Things are going fine, and then the moment something might get a bit tense, he just disappears! Ignores me! I texted him maybe twice, and called him once during a period of about a whole day, and nothing! Why do they do this?

 

And then they blame US for being insecure? My phone wasn't working for 3 hours and he FLIPPED OUT thinking I was doing something wrong! Yet when HE does the same thing, I'm the crazy b*tch for acting calm and simply asking why he was ignoring me? I dont get it.

 

For days? Because they're bad boyfriends. Date better people.

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