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Why do some boyfriends just disappear for a day or two and ignore you?


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Old 28th December 2010, 12:23 PM   #1
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Why do some boyfriends just disappear for a day or two and ignore you?

Things are going fine, and then the moment something might get a bit tense, he just disappears! Ignores me! I texted him maybe twice, and called him once during a period of about a whole day, and nothing! Why do they do this?

And then they blame US for being insecure? My phone wasn't working for 3 hours and he FLIPPED OUT thinking I was doing something wrong! Yet when HE does the same thing, I'm the crazy b*tch for acting calm and simply asking why he was ignoring me? I dont get it.
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Old 28th December 2010, 12:34 PM   #2
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This is NOT NORMAL boyfriend behaviour.

If he actually called you "crazy bitch" that's really not cool.

He sounds manipulative and cruel. Not contacting you for a whole day over a minor thing? Flipping out when your phone does something weird? Calling you names?

REPEAT: THIS IS NOT NORMAL BOYFRIEND BEHAVIOUR.

Do not think this is normal -- if you do, that will mean you will put up with it, and you SHOULD NOT.
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Old 28th December 2010, 12:37 PM   #3
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My ex would do that, he would say he just needed time to think about things. Needless to say it's unfair to the other party involved because you're clueless as to what is going on. He should at least say something not totally ignore you. Next time he does it, don't contact him let him contact you.
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Old 28th December 2010, 12:41 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by KraftDinner View Post
This is NOT NORMAL boyfriend behaviour.

If he actually called you "crazy bitch" that's really not cool.

He sounds manipulative and cruel. Not contacting you for a whole day over a minor thing? Flipping out when your phone does something weird? Calling you names?

REPEAT: THIS IS NOT NORMAL BOYFRIEND BEHAVIOUR.

Do not think this is normal -- if you do, that will mean you will put up with it, and you SHOULD NOT.
He has never called me names, not once. What I meant was that it's a big deal when I'm unavailable, yet it shouldn't be when he is. Seems like a double standard.

There are no red flags to point to cheating or anything like that, but when you have a bad feeling, I usually follow that. When he asked to be exclusive, he should know that it means YOU DONT IGNORE THE GIRL YOU ARE DATING.

Some men say he might be stressed and thats why, others say he just withdraws into his "cave" because thats what men do. I'm not the kind to hound him down to see what he is up to, but I won't lie im beginning to feel insecure because of him doing this.

Every time I break up with him for doing these things (that make me feel disrespected or insecure) then he ends up running right after me and then we kiss and make up. He can be so hot and cold, and I know it stems from me. When i'm happy so is he. When i'm a bit upset then so is he, and then he WITHDRAWS from me. I can be upset for a tiny thing, an hour later I will msg him to see what he is up to and NOTHING. It's not like i'm giving him grief, it's behind us moving on. But he seems to take everything so personally.

His mood depends on my mood, and if things get a bit tense for whatever reason, he withdraws like a mad man and I find myself wondering what the hell is going on.

Last edited by Hopeful30; 28th December 2010 at 12:46 PM..
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Old 28th December 2010, 12:46 PM   #5
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This sounds more like a fundamental personality issue rather than a relationship problem. He likely uses avoidance as a defense mechanism to conflict. Instead of confronting an issue and communicating with you, he'd rather just avoid you altogether.

It reminds me of an episode of How I Met Your Mother when Barney and Robin were dating. Every time they were about to get into a fight, Barney would just walk out the door. Can't fight if you're not there, right...?

Chances are that he will continue this behavior as it is probably permanently rooted in his system.
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Old 28th December 2010, 12:48 PM   #6
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People act silly when you start talking about being exclusive. People change like they have to act a different way on not be themselves.

I don't even bring that up when I'm seeing a girl. We just enjoy each other for what it is and then a ways down the road I tell her BTW your not single anymore
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Old 28th December 2010, 12:49 PM   #7
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Every time I break up with him for doing these things (that make me feel disrespected or insecure) then he ends up running right after me and then we kiss and make up. He can be so hot and cold, and I know it stems from me.
This yo-yo relationship doesn't sound very healthy. Sounds like you're incompatible and you're both playing tit-for-tat games.
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Old 28th December 2010, 12:49 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by USMCHokie View Post
This sounds more like a fundamental personality issue rather than a relationship problem. He likely uses avoidance as a defense mechanism to conflict. Instead of confronting an issue and communicating with you, he'd rather just avoid you altogether.

It reminds me of an episode of How I Met Your Mother when Barney and Robin were dating. Every time they were about to get into a fight, Barney would just walk out the door. Can't fight if you're not there, right...?

Chances are that he will continue this behavior as it is probably permanently rooted in his system.
You are SO RIGHT! I've never thought of that. Now that you mention it you are right. He tries to avoid conflict at any cost (well not ANY cost but you know what I mean). When things get tense he just disappears (even if we don't fight). When he fights with his friends he ignores then too. Even when he has trouble with family he just tries to occupy himself with other things. You are SO right.

The thing I don't understand though is I msged him asking "baby what are you up to tonight" and then later "is everything okay haven't heard from you". Obviously I'm not mad at him so why would he continue to ignore me then?
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Old 28th December 2010, 12:52 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Hopeful30 View Post
The thing I don't understand though is I msged him asking "baby what are you up to tonight" and then later "is everything okay haven't heard from you". Obviously I'm not mad at him so why would he continue to ignore me then?
Perhaps he still has unresolved issues (i.e., he is still mad at you) for whatever reason and is still in withdrawal mode.
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Old 28th December 2010, 12:55 PM   #10
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Perhaps he still has unresolved issues (i.e., he is still mad at you) for whatever reason and is still in withdrawal mode.
I've never been with a man who withdraws to this extent. Emotionally yes they won't be as affectionate, but I've never experience THIS. THIS being that he ignores me entirely. Is this normal for a man? Should I be worried?

It doesn't bother me that he is distancing himself, it bothers me that I don't know why or whats going on. I feel out of the loop and that's what I hate. If I knew he was still pissed at me then I wouldn't be here worrying about what's going on.
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Old 28th December 2010, 12:57 PM   #11
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He has never called me names, not once. What I meant was that it's a big deal when I'm unavailable, yet it shouldn't be when he is. Seems like a double standard.

There are no red flags to point to cheating or anything like that, but when you have a bad feeling, I usually follow that. When he asked to be exclusive, he should know that it means YOU DONT IGNORE THE GIRL YOU ARE DATING.

Some men say he might be stressed and thats why, others say he just withdraws into his "cave" because thats what men do. I'm not the kind to hound him down to see what he is up to, but I won't lie im beginning to feel insecure because of him doing this.

Every time I break up with him for doing these things (that make me feel disrespected or insecure) then he ends up running right after me and then we kiss and make up. He can be so hot and cold, and I know it stems from me. When i'm happy so is he. When i'm a bit upset then so is he, and then he WITHDRAWS from me. I can be upset for a tiny thing, an hour later I will msg him to see what he is up to and NOTHING. It's not like i'm giving him grief, it's behind us moving on. But he seems to take everything so personally.
It sounds like you two have very different styles of dealing with emotions/ fighting. You sound like you have many smaller ups and downs and get over them quickly. I'm guessing he does not get over things so quickly and these fights/changes in mood affect him more, so he avoids having to deal with it. Therefore, he may benefit from someone who is less moody and you may benefit from someone who isn't so bothered when you get upset over little things. He might mean well, but this pattern is not healthy and one (or both) of you will eventually not be able to handle the fighting.
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Old 28th December 2010, 12:58 PM   #12
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People have different modes of diffusing their tension when disagreements arise.

While you can't change his behavior, you can incorporate a solution that is mutually agreed upon. You're in a relationship, so it comes with the territory, if both of you want to remain in it.
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Old 28th December 2010, 1:03 PM   #13
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It sounds like you two have very different styles of dealing with emotions/ fighting. You sound like you have many smaller ups and downs and get over them quickly. I'm guessing he does not get over things so quickly and these fights/changes in mood affect him more, so he avoids having to deal with it. Therefore, he may benefit from someone who is less moody and you may benefit from someone who isn't so bothered when you get upset over little things. He might mean well, but this pattern is not healthy and one (or both) of you will eventually not be able to handle the fighting.
I appreciate your advice, and you're right we handle things very differently. But you see, we don't fight. The last time we fought (was over something very stupid) neither of us called the other for 2 days. We were both so hurt, and when we made up we felt even closer than before. When we fight, it isn't yelling or screaming. Our fights are more like silent treatments and avoiding each other. Then when we FINALLY confront each other, we don't yell or scream either, we talk things out. I don't want to have to not hear from him for a couple days to talk things out.

I know I have to be patient, I guess i'm just asking if it's normal for some men to just disappear like he does sometimes. I've never experienced this so I don't know what to make of it.
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Old 28th December 2010, 1:05 PM   #14
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it's a big deal when I'm unavailable, yet it shouldn't be when he is. Seems like a double standard.
Get used to that sweetpea. I have found that men have a lot of them and their bad behavior is ok but when you do the same thing they get up in arms.

The reason for this, I believe, is that women are too quick to think they messed up and men are the opposite. So we perpetuate and promote an environment where we take the blame for what they do and they never examine their own behavior.

I think the only thing you can do for your situation is to stop taking it personally back when he withdraws. It does sound like you chase him a little. You are rewarding him for not so great behavior. If he withdraws, let him. Do something fun for you and ignore him. Most often, a withdrawer is a bit like an attention seeking spoiled child. I should know. I do it myself on occasion. I've learned how to open up and communicate but I was like your bf.

With me, however, I did have one bf who would let me cool off but would pursue me and sit next to me til then. Then we'd discuss things rationally. But he wouldn't get overly emotional or tense so it was easy. He'd listen to what was bothering me and then he'd talk to me about what he felt. Perhaps when you pursue your bf you get emotional and that's hard for most guys to deal with when they're upset too. He does have feelings too and if you're over emoting while he's upset he's not going to trust that he's going to be heard and I think this is often why a guy's not going to open up.

That, and he's a big baby.
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Old 28th December 2010, 1:09 PM   #15
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Get used to that sweetpea. I have found that men have a lot of them and their bad behavior is ok but when you do the same thing they get up in arms.

The reason for this, I believe, is that women are too quick to think they messed up and men are the opposite. So we perpetuate and promote an environment where we take the blame for what they do and they never examine their own behavior.

I think the only thing you can do for your situation is to stop taking it personally back when he withdraws. It does sound like you chase him a little. You are rewarding him for not so great behavior. If he withdraws, let him. Do something fun for you and ignore him. Most often, a withdrawer is a bit like an attention seeking spoiled child. I should know. I do it myself on occasion. I've learned how to open up and communicate but I was like your bf.

With me, however, I did have one bf who would let me cool off but would pursue me and sit next to me til then. Then we'd discuss things rationally. But he wouldn't get overly emotional or tense so it was easy. He'd listen to what was bothering me and then he'd talk to me about what he felt. Perhaps when you pursue your bf you get emotional and that's hard for most guys to deal with when they're upset too. He does have feelings too and if you're over emoting while he's upset he's not going to trust that he's going to be heard and I think this is often why a guy's not going to open up.

That, and he's a big baby.

lol thank you for that It's nice to hear it from someone who used to do the same thing. So let me ask you something a bit more personal then. When you would finally decide to get back in touch with him, what was the reaction you wanted from him? Surely you wouldn't expect him to be all warm and loving after you've ignored him?
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