Girlfriend likes to go to clubbing

[qinboxmail]

Okay, I've been dating my gf for 4 months. Then today she started saying that she'll go to clubbing when she has a chance. She likes clubbing. As a boyfriend I don't like it. I told her clubbing is where single guys hit on girls. She just say she wants to "dance" there. I don't like it at all. She's 23 and few years older than her.

[USMCHokie]

Then go clubbing with her.

[shayan]

you got to let her go, the more you try to control her, the more she will resent you. Trust her and let her be her own person she is your girlfriend not your servant.

[Jynxx]

Whatever you do, don't go clubbing with her to keep an eye on her. You won't have a good time and it will ruin her night too, which will create major tension.

 

I say trust her and tell her you completely trust her, then hope she's worth it.

[january2010]

If an activity is important to one partner, it's important that the other partner accepts that even if they can't support it or participate.

 

Otherwise, it's a compatibility issue and a potential dealbreaking situation.

[joeLove]

Let her go party ... seems to be something that is important to her. If you 'chain' her at home, she won't be yours for too long.

[aerogurl87]

I'm not a fan of people clubbing when in a relationship unless it's them going out with a group of friends to have fun for the night. I have to ask, does she like going clubbing solo or with friends? If the answer is solo, then that is a pink flag in my opinion. Most people dance extremely provocative at nightclubs and as you mentioned it is a place where guys usually go to grind up on girls and pick them up. Not really an environment conducive to building a healthy relationship if one frequents such places by themselves. But that's just my opinion.

[zengirl]

Clubbing isn't my scene, but I'll go see a band downtown without my boyfriend. I mean, he's always invited, if he wants to come, but he doesn't always want to go. It's not a big thing.

 

If she's just going out with her female friends, or a group of friends, and you're welcome to come if you like, I wouldn't see it as a red flag. But if she doesn't want you to come (unless it's a bachelorette party or something) or is secretive about it, that's weird. If it's just that you don't like to do it, and she likes to go out and dance, nothing wrong with that, though it may speak to different temperments.

[mr.dream merchant]

OP your GF seems like a real party girl. Are you a party guy? If not, your lifestyles may not mesh.

[sally4sara]

Some people go to clubs to hook up (men mostly; its not like they dance so often as they just watch) but it doesn't mean you have to hook up with people if you go clubbing. I use to like going dancing. Many of my female friends also liked to go dancing. Its not near as much fun to dance in your own place even with friends.

 

None of us liked it for wanting to go pick up guys; in fact most of us already had a BF/husband. We just liked socializing with each other and enjoyed the music and active nature of dancing. We went out as a group specifically to help each other AVOID men wanting to hit on us. It kept us fit in a fun way. We'd all gather at one of our houses and have fun getting done up before going out. We also enjoyed going without our BFs/husbands because they'd just stand on the wall and watch, get all pissy if some other guy was watching too and that was a headache. Your GF is perfectly capable of telling some guy to buzz off.

 

If you doubt her character in this way (believe she will cheat if a guy pays attention to her) - you should dump her whether she goes clubbing or not. If she were the type to cheat - she will find someone to cheat with even if she never went to the clubs.

 

Just because YOU only go to clubs to try to hook up, it doesn't mean everyone does.

[creighton0123]

Okay, I've been dating my gf for 4 months. Then today she started saying that she'll go to clubbing when she has a chance. She likes clubbing. As a boyfriend I don't like it. I told her clubbing is where single guys hit on girls. She just say she wants to "dance" there. I don't like it at all. She's 23 and few years older than her.

 

Usually when straight girls want to go clubbing to just dance, they go to gay clubs. The music is better and none of the guys where are interested in her.

[mr.dream merchant]

That would be a good idea for the OP. Mention a gay club to her, see how she reacts. If she declines, she may be going to straight clubs for the attention.

[sally4sara]

Usually when straight girls want to go clubbing to just dance, they go to gay clubs. The music is better and none of the guys where are interested in her.

 

In my home town there was only four gay clubs/bars. Three were not set up for dancing; lesbian pub, gay male pub and a gay friendly piano bar that featured drag performers. The only one with a set up for dancing was a fetish-y BDSM themed place.

 

Why would anyone have to go to a gay bar to remain faithful? A person is either going to remain faithful no matter where they go or cheat not matter where they go.

[mr.dream merchant]

Why should anybody have to do anything, if that's the way you want to look at it?

 

The point here is the OP is uncomfortable with his GF clubbing so much. He voiced his opinion to her. He didn't provide whether his GF's stance on clubbing changed since she now knows how it makes him feel.

 

Not saying he SHOULD start clubbing or she SHOULD stop clubbing. But they definitely need to find some common ground, soon. If she chooses to ignore his mild insecurity with clubbing, and party's hard like a rock star, then the OP will know where his GF's main priorities are - in the club.

 

Besides, club chicks are really overrated. They look great, but they have **** for personality and make some pretty bad GF's. Why be with someone who wants to actively test the boundaries of your relationship? Wouldn't you rather be with someone who happily stays within those boundaries and doesn't feel the need to push, question those boundaries and cause unwanted stress? Ugh. Vote NO on club chicks.

Edited December 28, 2010 by mr.dream merchant

[sally4sara]

Why should anybody have to do anything, if that's the way you want to look at it?

 

The point here is the OP is uncomfortable with his GF clubbing so much. He voiced his opinion to her. He didn't provide whether his GF's stance on clubbing changed since she now knows how it makes him feel.

 

Not saying he SHOULD start clubbing or she SHOULD stop clubbing. But they definitely need to find some common ground, soon. If she chooses to ignore his mild insecurity with clubbing, and party's hard like a rock star, then the OP will know where his GF's main priorities are - in the club.

 

Besides, club chicks are really overrated. They look great, but they have **** for personality and make some pretty bad GF's. Why be with someone who wants to actively test the boundaries of your relationship? Wouldn't you rather be with someone who happily stays within those boundaries and doesn't feel the need to push, question those boundaries and cause unwanted stress? Ugh. Vote NO on club chicks.

 

Going to a club now and then doesn't make someone a "club person". Going to a club doesn't obligate someone to party hard like a rock star. It is the only place one can go where there is concessions (beverage and food) and music to dance to after HS prom and homecoming.

 

There are other more obvious clues about her intentions. Does getting done up to go to the club mean putting on stripper appropriate attire that would make dancing difficult without flashing your ass at people? Is she prone to not managing her alcohol consumption and getting absolutely plastered? Do the people she goes out with act out foolishly - getting wasted and acting out?

 

I never even wore a skirt or dress to go out dancing because it would make it difficult to dance. And wearing ****ty uncomfortable heels only ends up with your feet getting stomped on and hurting too much within an hour to continue dancing. A sexy top is normal but how is someone going to dance in a skirt or dress that barely covers their ass?

 

That is what I hate about these threads. The OP breezes in and lays a very vague scenario (my GF likes going clubbing! ) on everyone and then breezes out leaving everyone assuming the worst with little to go on. For all we know, she went once and said she had enough fun to go again sometime and he is freaking out over nothing.

[qinboxmail]

Going to a club now and then doesn't make someone a "club person". Going to a club doesn't obligate someone to party hard like a rock star. It is the only place one can go where there is concessions (beverage and food) and music to dance to after HS prom and homecoming.

 

There are other more obvious clues about her intentions. Does getting done up to go to the club mean putting on stripper appropriate attire that would make dancing difficult without flashing your ass at people? Is she prone to not managing her alcohol consumption and getting absolutely plastered? Do the people she goes out with act out foolishly - getting wasted and acting out?

 

I never even wore a skirt or dress to go out dancing because it would make it difficult to dance. And wearing ****ty uncomfortable heels only ends up with your feet getting stomped on and hurting too much within an hour to continue dancing. A sexy top is normal but how is someone going to dance in a skirt or dress that barely covers their ass?

 

That is what I hate about these threads. The OP breezes in and lays a very vague scenario (my GF likes going clubbing! ) on everyone and then breezes out leaving everyone assuming the worst with little to go on. For all we know, she went once and said she had enough fun to go again sometime and he is freaking out over nothing.

 

 

I don't understand her yet because I've just dated her for four months. From what she said she wanted to go there for the atmosphere and wanted to dance. She said that's it. I don't know. Before that I caught her flirting with other guy online but she said she doesn't do it anymore.

I just don't want my girlfriend go to clubbing at all because I love her. It's not that I'm controlling about what she can do and what she can't. I just don't like guys checking her out. That's the only thing that bothers me.

[zengirl]

Why should anybody have to do anything, if that's the way you want to look at it?

 

The point here is the OP is uncomfortable with his GF clubbing so much. He voiced his opinion to her. He didn't provide whether his GF's stance on clubbing changed since she now knows how it makes him feel.

 

Not saying he SHOULD start clubbing or she SHOULD stop clubbing. But they definitely need to find some common ground, soon. If she chooses to ignore his mild insecurity with clubbing, and party's hard like a rock star, then the OP will know where his GF's main priorities are - in the club.

 

Besides, club chicks are really overrated. They look great, but they have **** for personality and make some pretty bad GF's. Why be with someone who wants to actively test the boundaries of your relationship? Wouldn't you rather be with someone who happily stays within those boundaries and doesn't feel the need to push, question those boundaries and cause unwanted stress? Ugh. Vote NO on club chicks.

 

I wouldn't give up my hobbies for a partner (granted, mine are things like a book club and volunteering at the history museum, so it's never really come up, but still). I might listen to their concerns and try to find common ground. But I don't think relationships should come with ultimatums. He knew she clubbed when he met her, I'm guessing. She shouldn't give it up just because he feels "uncomfortable." Middle ground is generally worth finding, but a lot of that depends on the approach.

[sally4sara]

I don't understand her yet because I've just dated her for four months. From what she said she wanted to go there for the atmosphere and wanted to dance. She said that's it. I don't know. Before that I caught her flirting with other guy online but she said she doesn't do it anymore.

I just don't want my girlfriend go to clubbing at all because I love her. It's not that I'm controlling about what she can do and what she can't. I just don't like guys checking her out. That's the only thing that bothers me.

 

One of these things you can control. The other you cannot.

 

People will check out other people and it doesn't have to be the end of the world. Its not something you have any control over so you might as well just accept it. What happens if someone looks at her if she is a trustworthy person? Nothing at all. People look at you all the time - does it make you cheat?

You being bothered by that might be because she can't be trusted and/or because you're seriously insecure and controlling. But you won't be able to find out which it is with you while you're with someone who sneaks and flirts with others. Being with someone who sneaks and flirts with others is the only thing you have some control over. Its a choice; you don't have to stay with this kind of person.

No matter how hot or awesome someone seems to be, someone else is sick of their crap. Don't be that person sitting around sick of her crap.

 

Drop her. Do it not because she wants to go to the club and not because OMG some guy might look at her. Drop her because she can't be trusted.

[Feelin Frisky]

You're young and not too invested in this girl. Chalk it off to her being even younger and not ready to settle down. As an older fella I've had to face the same thing--just add 10 years to each of our ages (this was 10 years ago). I saw this as her going out and looking for Mr. Somebody-Better and coming back to me if she didn't score like I was a fu_k buddy. I just couldn't live with that. I was ready to marry for the first time. She was already divorced and gave indications that she wanted to marry me. I proposed and she said yes. But she turned out to be all over the map and changeable from one mood to the next. I finally had it with her and shut her down 4 evuh--no looking back.

[carhill]

Plenty of history here. I'd suggest letting this one go.

[paddington bear]

The wanting to just go dancing I totally get. The previously caught chatting to some other guy online = big warning bells.

 

I'm way older than you guys and I love still to go out dancing. I will abandon friends and just dance the night away on my own, that is how much I love it. And I thought that perhaps your girlfriend is similar...

 

However, I would be wary or her motivations to be honest after the messaging thing. Not just wanting to dance, wanting attention (even if she doesn't do anything with the guys).

 

You can't really ban her from doing that, you are not her father, but nor will you prevent her from getting flirted with by other men in a club or elsewhere - if that is what she wants, she will encourage it and it'll happen whether she goes clubbing or not.

[NervisPervis]

I have a little experience here in that my wife got a wild hair up her a** and hit the clubs a while ago. I have the same problems with it as you do, only I didn't have availability of wesites like this to ask people about it at the time. I never got closure and later came to these sites to settle some unresolved issues I have with it.

 

There are two issues with your situation that were touched on so far.

 

1 - Compatibility. My wife never showed much of an interest in the club scene before we met, and what little she had ended when we started dating. I wasn't a clubber and she never expressed an interest. If she started going out with her girlfriends on a regular basis to clubs until 3:00 AM, I would have had to leave the relationship. If you're like me, and I think you are, you'll never feel comfortable with it (see point 2 below). It's like if I found out that my GF, greatest girl in the world, had a hobby that included catching neighborhood pets and drowning them in a plastic sack filled w/ rocks. Great girl, but that's a deal-breaker. If she won't willingly give up this hobby, it won't work.

 

2 - Infidelity. I don't think that'll be an issue for you. She seems open to talking to you about it. It's when they are sneaky and secretive that get's the radar going. I found out my wife was going clubbing, for the first time after 7 years of marriage and 2 kids, literally when she was on her way out the door with her purse over her shoulder. She was afraid to tell me she was headed to a meat market with her friend all night. Every time after that it was the same. No notice so I wouldn't have time to object. No explanation of where she went. Who she partied with. Nothing. Always with the same wingwoman...er, friend. Any question beyond "did you have fun" would be twisted into me being a jealous jerk. What husband wants to be a neanderthal and grill his wife on her whereabouts, right?

 

A problem for EVERYBODY, I found out in my research, is that even if you "just like to dance", the only places you can dance are places that are even more notorious as pickup bars. Even the girl with honest intentions is putting herself into a situation where she is the prey and she is surrounded by predators. Clubs are soicial places. What are the chances that someone better looking than you is going to hit on her? Ask her to dance? End up having a great personality? And all of them are something you will never be again: new and exciting. What will she do WHEN this guy makes his move? In my "research" on these sites, I can't tell you how many "innocent dancers" got caught up in the moment and made mistakes they regretted. (alcohol is a GREAT excuse for anything, or so these people think).

 

I couldn't leave my marriage over it, but you can surely find another girlfriend. This is not to be read as a reflection on either one of you. It's all a compatibility issue.