Jump to content

He feels distant, like he doesn't care.


Life2B

Recommended Posts

Last weekend we(my boy friend and I) went on a weekend break and we rented a house together with 3 of his friends for his birthday. The whole weekend he felt very distant. I hadn't seen him for 2 weeks because he is busy working and it felt like he didn't care at all. He has a Saturday job and his best friend told him to quit because it's far away and he gets nothing out of it. Then my bf told him, well then what am I supposed to do on a Saturday? His friend looked at me and saw I felt hurt because he didn't think about spending the day with me at all. His friend tried to hint some things to him but I don't think he understood.

 

When we sat down somewhere he never sat down next to me and at one point I asked him to come sit next to me on the couch. He didn't come close to me the whole weekend and when he woke up in the morning he didn't even check to see if I was already awake (and yes I was).

 

Later I asked him if he already knows what he's going to do at new-years because I know he was talking about a big party to me that he wanted to hold at his house. He just said he's going to his best girl-friend (she's like his sister and second family). So he didn't even think about inviting me or spending any time with me.

 

I just had to get this off of my chest because I don't understand what he's thinking. I'm going to talk to him about it the next time I see him but I just can't stop thinking about it.

 

The only sweet thing he said to me the whole weekend was that I was fine the way I am and he said that when he was very drunk.

 

I feel like I'm more just a friend than his girlfriend and he doesn't think about me at all.

 

Any advice on how to talk to him about this? Maybe he was just feeling bad or he's shy or something I don't know but that's why I want to talk to him about it. How do I say this without sounding hostile?

Link to post
Share on other sites
i'm not the one

i'm really glad that you're going to talk to him about this. you do not deserve to feel this way when you spend time with someone who is supposed to love and care about you. if you bring up the examples you have here and just ask him if anything is wrong or causing him to act distant like that, then i don't think you'll sound hostile about it. just be careful to not be too polite and miss out on getting your point across about how this makes you feel. best of luck! and don't waste too much time trying to get him to pay attention to you if this problem keeps up. that will just make you more frustrated when you could be with someone who realizes how great you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

In my opinion it doesn't matter what he is thinking/feeling.

 

How is this situation making you feel?

 

His behaviour is a red flag...whether he just doesn't feel strongly about you or he has something else going on....

 

What do your instincts tell you?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

@JaneDoe35: This situation is making me feel insecure about myself and I'm frustrated because he was very sweet in the beginning and now he needs liquor to be nice? He is sending me mixed signals because he remembered a certain drink that I liked a bought me a bottle of it. Then he's distant. Then his room-mate tells me to visit them and he enthusiastically says yes.

 

Before the weekend he told me things like: asking you out was totally worth it. and stuff like that. I just don't get it anymore. My instincts are telling me I did something wrong in his eyes but he doesn't tell me what it is.

 

@i'm not the one: I'm visiting his work tomorrow and I'm hoping to talk to him then. I am kind of nervous so I hope I will be brave enough to talk to him about it. When I kiss him or hug him or snuggle up to him he never rejects me. He never does those things to me though (he did before) and he doesn't ask me many questions like he isn't interested in what I do although his friend does. On our way to the rented house we spent 3 hours in the car together and we hardly talked at all... Anyway I'll let you know what happens tomorrow.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BackUpOrGetStung

Don't talk about this with him at work, because he won't be comfortable being fully honest with you for fear of causing a scene by making you cry. You sound like a nice girl, so he may have a hard time telling you that things have changed, but you have to watch his actions and read the writing on the wall. Talk to him, voice your concerns, but ultimately be prepared to walk away from the relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

If I don't talk to him about it tomorrow I won't have another opportunity in a while. Saturday I'm having my Birthday Party and I really don't want him to meet all my friends and then him breaking up with me the next day. I really hope it was just one-time thing and nothing will be wrong tomorrow. What could have changed in two weeks? His friend kept talking about how wonderful it was that we met and some stuff about serendipity. His best friend kept saying things like that and saying we look so cute together I somehow think he wouldn't do that if he knew there was something wrong with my bf so it must be something he didn't even tell his best friend about.

Link to post
Share on other sites
youngskywalker
Talk to him, voice your concerns, but ultimately be prepared to walk away from the relationship.

 

You need to be prepared to move on. You deserve better! Heck, I'd love it if a girl felt this way about me. Sometime men, like myself, get complacent in relationships and we need to be shaken up a little. Talk to him first, tell him how you feel and if he's not responsive ditch him and make him come crawling back.

 

In the mean time go on with your life and look for someone better. If and when he comes crawling back on his hands and knees you'll have a better perspective on things if you want to take him back or not.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BackUpOrGetStung

Your birthday is coming up to? Also a reason he may not want to be honest with you about his feelings. I'm going to break down the two most likely scenarios for you.

 

Situation 1: He has become bored, too comfortable, or complacent with you/the relationship and feels no want/need to put in effort to further the relationship.

 

Situation 2: His feelings for you have changed for you and he is A) confused about it or B) does not want to continue a relationship with you. It's very likely that he does not want to be in this relationship with you anymore, but does not want to end it right before your birthday and Christmas, so don't be surprised if you get dumped sometime in January. Be honest with yourself, is he acting like someone that wants anything to do with you? You asked what his plans for New Year's were and he told you he's going to a party where you're not invited...who's he going to be kissing at midnight? He wouldn't sit near you on the couch, after you had ask that he come sit with you. He didn't acknowledge that he could spend Saturdays with you, when he previously couldn't, and if spending more time with you was something that he wanted to do, he would have been chopping at the bit at this opportunity, instead..nothing. Literally, doing nothing, came to mind before spending time with you did, and you were standing right next to him. His friend made blatantly obvious hints(obvious enough for you to pick up on), and he still didn't mention you. He also had to get "very drunk", just to tell you that, "you're fine the way you are." Usually people embellish when they're drunk, so they say something like "I love you" or "I want to marry you someday", so him only being able to muster up a "you're fine the way you are.", doesn't sound very sweet to me. If you really don't want to look like a fool after inviting him to your birthday party to meet all your friends, I think you should tell him not to feel obligated to come since you haven't been going out that long, and you two can just get dinner or something together. Even suggesting that he not come to your party will be very telling of his feelings. If he's upset and offended that you don't want him to come, you may have a ray of hope. If he pretends to be bummed out but doesn't put up any resistance before agreeing not to come, then he just doesn't want to be around you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

@BackUpOrGetStung: It really hurts to read that... I'm not sure I can handle situation 2. I'm really scared about seeing him tomorrow. After meeting all his friends it seems kind of mean to not invite him to my party seeing as we went on a weekend for his birthday. But I understand what you mean. I'm afraid however that I'm too much of a coward and I don't really want to know the answer. Which is why I can tell you that I know I can't ask him not to come.

 

And about the hints maybe he was just shy? Or didn't want to seem like a softy in front of his friend...

 

I know I'm making excuses but I need to stay positive so I don't break down or something... And so I can actually face him tomorrow.

Link to post
Share on other sites
BackUpOrGetStung

Sorry that it was painful to read, but I think you need to at least consider it as a possibility. You seem like a really nice girl, and the problem with that is that people don't know how to tell you their true feelings because you're so nice and they don't want to hurt you, so they end up stringing you along and dragging everything out, and I hope to help you avoid that.

 

I understand what you mean, and you don't need to uninvite him, just give him the option of not coming and see what he chooses to do. Say something like, "It's just a little get together, you don't have to come if you don't want to, we can just do something together later." I don't think his decision makes or breaks anything, but it will give you a better idea of his feelings for you. It will also show him that you don't need him and can get on fine without him, which he probably thinks you can't do.

Link to post
Share on other sites

How long have you been dating him? Does he normally act detached when he is around his friends?

 

Either way, it sounds like he is pulling away for some reason. He might be super stressed at work or maybe he has found someone new. I think you should try talking to him about it as soon as possible because your happiness should be your ultimate priority.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

@ ReadyforLove We've been dating since August but we got into a small fight in between and have been more serious for about 2 months. I think you're right, my happiness is very important and if he doesn't make me happy it's a no go. I'll be seeing him on Sunday.

 

@BackUpOrGetStung He's not coming to my birthday. He couldn't get off from work so I'm seeing him Sunday instead... I'll keep you updated.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Update: I still haven't seen him because he slept all day sunday because he was tired from working on Saturday and then proceeded to make a new appoitment with me for Wednesday even though I know tomorrow it's his day off because it's his birthday so yeah I'm not very happy right now.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry things didn't work out. I wish you the best and maybe now you can find happiiness without him. It is possible

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...