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Why are divorced men so clingy?


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Old 4th December 2010, 3:53 PM   #1
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Why are divorced men so clingy?

I started talking to a new guy online with whom I had a lot in common. I told him I'm not looking for an instant relationship but rather would like to let it happen organically. In the meantime I realized that there are a few things outside of his control that make it likely that we won't end up in a long term relationship. I still wanted to meet him because he's sweet, cute and French (I used to live there.)

So... what does he do? Blows up my phone with texts. Calls me a couple of times a day. We haven't even met yet. It got to the point where I actually told him that he needs to slow down, that this is not going slow as we agreed. He said he can't help it, that he hasn't met anyone like me and he just knows he'll love me. He hasn't MET me. All he sees are photos. Guys can be so superficial.

But he's not the only one. This is the 4th guy that has become super clingy and turned me off. the 3 others were very pushy and one seemed to have an abusive personality so I cut him off. This guy knows when to back off, to a certain extent but I don't think he realizes how unattractive clingy behavior is.

I don't get it. How do guys not realize that this really pushes people away? I thought women were teh clingy ones. Sigh.
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Old 4th December 2010, 4:06 PM   #2
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Because we are trying to fill the void that came to be through the divorce.
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Old 4th December 2010, 4:11 PM   #3
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Because we are trying to fill the void that came to be through the divorce.
I understand that. But it's a bit selfish. You can't expect someone to want to meet your needs when you don't even know them & they dont' know you. It makes me feel less like a catch and more like someone to stop them from having to deal with what we all have to deal with. I don't like that.

Love your tag btw.
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Old 4th December 2010, 4:15 PM   #4
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Thanks.

It is very unfair for any women that is the object of desire for a divorced man that has not coped with his loss.

I honestly have realized this myself. I am recently divorced, trying to fill the void left by my EW. I have sinced stopped dating any woman for this reason; and no woman should date a recently divorced man for this very reason.
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Old 4th December 2010, 4:18 PM   #5
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i dont know. i can see that in myself sometimes although i'm changing it. realizing you do it seems to be the first step in correcting it....lol.....

i think guys maybe take a hit to the ego in a divorce. then, they think they have to lock down any woman that gives them hope they wont be alone forever......thats what crossed my mind anyway.....my beautiful bride left me after 17 years for someone else. it crushed me. self esteem and ego take a beating.......then, we try to find our way after years of just being ourself. Now we think we have to be "more" because thats why we got left to begin with...we werent "enough"......now we're in overdrive with our passion and attempts to secure our future with another beautiful bride.....

luckily, posts like these and others give understanding and reflection to we who have had a tendency to be "clingy"....so, thanks.....
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Old 4th December 2010, 4:24 PM   #6
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i dont know. i can see that in myself sometimes although i'm changing it. realizing you do it seems to be the first step in correcting it....lol.....

i think guys maybe take a hit to the ego in a divorce. then, they think they have to lock down any woman that gives them hope they wont be alone forever......thats what crossed my mind anyway.....my beautiful bride left me after 17 years for someone else. it crushed me. self esteem and ego take a beating.......then, we try to find our way after years of just being ourself. Now we think we have to be "more" because thats why we got left to begin with...we werent "enough"......now we're in overdrive with our passion and attempts to secure our future with another beautiful bride.....

luckily, posts like these and others give understanding and reflection to we who have had a tendency to be "clingy"....so, thanks.....
That's true about the ego. Mindless dating helped me with my ego rebuilding. However, it just put a bandage on a seeping wound. Unfortunately, the women I dated never knew that they were rebounds and nothing more.
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Old 4th December 2010, 4:37 PM   #7
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I actually kept things casual with women during my 1.5yr separation because of that.

I am lonely. and would like to get laid. But on the other hand, I do like spending an evening at home doing what I want & not having some woman tell me "it looks ok" after I spend a weekend cleaning. LOL!
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Old 4th December 2010, 4:39 PM   #8
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then, they think they have to lock down any woman that gives them hope they wont be alone forever......
But a guy doesn't need to lock a woman down to have her. He just needs to be available and go slow without being too aloof or too clingy. Tall order I guess.
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Old 4th December 2010, 4:40 PM   #9
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Unfortunately, the women I dated never knew that they were rebounds and nothing more.
This is what I am trying to avoid. I don't think I'd be a rebound per se for this guy because I get why he's interested. He doesn't meet many women like me that know his culture and is interested in the things he's interested in.

So what is a safe time frame to date a divorced man? It seems that the one who wasn't clingy had other issues and he had been divorced a year so probably 2 years apart.
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Old 4th December 2010, 4:54 PM   #10
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But a guy doesn't need to lock a woman down to have her. He just needs to be available and go slow without being too aloof or too clingy. Tall order I guess.
oh for sure. ignorance of what to do as well as a hit to the esteem and ego were my problem.
Dating or new relationships are just an area some people are new at (young) or either havent had to deal with in many years (divorced/widowed).....like a talent that never gets utilized.....
I can look back even recently and see the dumb mistakes i've made.....
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Old 4th December 2010, 4:58 PM   #11
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i would think at the earliest, a year after the seperation/divorce. i know how i've mourned, learned, and developed. i would have been a nightmare just a few months after....i certainly wasnt doing myself any good.....
I feel like a new person now though....
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Old 4th December 2010, 4:58 PM   #12
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I can look back even recently and see the dumb mistakes i've made.....
How long have you been separated/divorced?

I once went out with a guy that I found out that was 3 months widowed and I suggested he wasn't ready to date yet. I never heard from him. I tried to remain on friendly terms, but I wasn't having the mama bear healing the wounded cub scenario. That doesn't sound like a ton of fun in my book.
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Old 4th December 2010, 5:07 PM   #13
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10 months. i dont claim to be "healed" but i can look back at the blundering mistakes i made and feel really good about where i am. The most improvement for me was when i became ok with being "alone". That could have a lot to do with some of the divorced men clinginess or aggresiveness as well......i freaked out when i had no one to go with me to starbucks.....lol....then when someone poked their head up and said "i'll go" you'd have thought i was going on a date with the last breathing woman on the planet......
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Old 4th December 2010, 5:43 PM   #14
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you'd have thought i was going on a date with the last breathing woman on the planet......
Lol. Reminds me of my rebound from my ex husband. That was a long time ago, and I still cringe at my choice.
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Old 5th December 2010, 5:03 AM   #15
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i would think at the earliest, a year after the seperation/divorce. i know how i've mourned, learned, and developed. i would have been a nightmare just a few months after....i certainly wasnt doing myself any good.....
I feel like a new person now though....
I agree. One year should be enough time to allow a fair amount of healing to have taken place. However, listening to the divorced guy and how he speaks about his EW/relationship will give you clues on how he has or is coping with the divorce. Bitterness and resentment are true indicators on how he has not coped with the divorce. Acceptance of the divorce and an acknowledgment of both good and bad things in the marriage are good indicators of someone who is healthy enough to have a relationship without fear of clinginess.
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