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Guys Afraid to Approach Girls. Why?


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Old 4th December 2010, 3:28 AM   #1
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Question Guys Afraid to Approach Girls. Why?

Hi I've noticed that I am not alone in this area of feeling afraid or holding back from approaching girls I'm interested in. I have my reasons, and I'm interested to know why some other guys feel the same way.

I feel the typical reasons are afraid of rejection and shyness as most people of similar reserve also feel. But then, there are plenty of situations in life I have had to confront shyness to step up to the plate and deliver. But with approaching girls, there is much more to it than mere shyness and fear of rejection, at least for myself.

I kind of find it hard to articulate what I find is the pressing issue regarding my fear of approaching women. It no doubt stems from issues and events that go back to my childhood that continued into my early adulthood, the latter experiences only reinforcing those bad experiences and encounters as a child and teenager.

For some strange reason, I find myself feeling unworthy of women. I find that approaching a woman for me is akin to committing a crime, no exaggeration! I was reading one of Green's posts earlier where he advised someone that there is nothing wrong with asking women out for dates and it kind of hit me, yeah? Really? I never really looked at it like that. For some reason I feel there is something wrong with ME doing just that, approaching any woman with a romantic agenda. I have no trouble being nice to women, and people in general for that matter, hence why I often get pursued by women I don't find in any way attractive, as their lifestyles are clearly incompatible with my own. But I also notice some really nice chicks give me attention as well, but other than reciprocating with flirting gestures, I won't dare approach.

All this is certain low self-esteem, very low, together with defeating self-beliefs that are not easily overcome by simple dating strategies.

Anyone else share why they feel they cannot, or otherwise find it very difficult, to approach women?
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Old 4th December 2010, 3:33 AM   #2
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Because our moms taught us to put women on a pedestal.

Only recently I have realized that women are certainly no better than men at all and it has boosted my confidence greatly. Dont believe me? Look around you. Apart from giving birth, there is nothing that a woman can do that a man cannot do better. Nothing.
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Old 4th December 2010, 3:48 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by BiAxident View Post
The above, along with the famous Groucho Marx quote, "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member", pretty much sum up why I don't/won't approach women.

I assume that any woman I find attractive would be offended by anything beyond a passing glance from me. As much, I put forth good effort to not even go that far when out in public, looking "past" people instead.

Things might be different if I were younger and/or had a social circle that included women, but I don't have any female friends. I'm far too ashamed of my appearence and my status (or lack thereof) for my age to even contemplate the thought that I might possibly consider the idea of internet dating.

Que sera, sera!
Then find someone who is at the same level as you.
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Old 4th December 2010, 3:48 AM   #4
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Well if you're not approaching me and I'm not approaching you, wouldn't we be in a stalemate?

Fine, I'll initiate for once . But you should know women like assertive men.
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Old 4th December 2010, 3:58 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by BiAxident View Post
Someone with the same mental/emotional issues? How would such a relationship possibly work?
If you prefer to be alone then your choice.
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Old 4th December 2010, 4:37 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by BiAxident View Post
I assume that any woman I find attractive would be offended by anything beyond a passing glance from me. As much, I put forth good effort to not even go that far when out in public, looking "past" people instead.
I tend to do that (to men), only I am a woman. Especially to men outside my dating jurisdiction/life-tyle/standards.

Mannerisms. The proper behavioural etiquette when interacting with people, has always been ingrained in me, growing up. Hence why I am always cordial around others.

As for being "too ashamed of your appearance and status (or lack thereof)", I say, execute confidence!

Work on being a better man, and in the process you will attract the one for you! (Not intended to sound cliche)
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Old 4th December 2010, 5:07 AM   #7
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Well, unfortunately I don't approach women because 1) I don't know how to, and would end up looking like an idiot if I tried, and 2) I don't think they would want to be annoyed by someone like me.

Yes, this is also referring to the girls who stare at me for a good period of time while smiling in the process whenever I'm out. Sucks.
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Old 4th December 2010, 5:44 AM   #8
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I like you Surealist. You are on my list of favorite posters.

I originaly came to this site by mistake when I was looking for pornography. (which I am against these days as I believe it unaturaly perverts the mind and makes people horny in a frustrating unproductive ways as oposed to a more natural powerful hornyness that is productive)

I was in every sense of the word a guy afraid to approach girls for most of my life. (High School through college) My main reason for this FEAR of REJECTION. I had lost so much at a young age and I believe this is the reason I had such fear.

But through my HORNYNESS I overcame that fear. and once I overcame the fear it left me or atleast no longer posed an opstacle.

I could care less if I scare a woman... In fact I would draw sexual pleasure from being percieved as a threat to a woman.

I've been given a very sharp mind (allows me to accomplish anything I want given time) and a body that at this time is perfection.(healthy, strong, resistant)

I was my greatest enemy for the longest time when it came to women. Even if a woman was attracted to me I would just say some nasty thing to myself like "she wouldn't like you if she knew who you really were."

I changed the inner dialogue and learned to love myself as every person should love themselves. I fully believe that you can only love the world as much as you love yourself.

I also feel that being afraid to approach girls is crippling not only in STARTING a relationship but in MAINTAINING a relationship. I don't think sht if my hot gf dumped me I'd be screwed... I have the mind set that if she dumped me or I dumped her I would easily be able to approach other women and the reason that I am with my current gf isn't out of fear but out of desire to build a relationship that benefits me in ways. There is something great about really getting to know some one and having them really know you that is what I am after... I'm not like other people who just want a body even if that body is false.

Once I changed the inner dialogue aproaching girls not only became easy but fun. I didn't care if a pretty girl rejected me because I didn't take it personal, in fact I found myself rejecting girls... yes I was one of those guys who would get a girls number and later decide nah I don't really like this girl now that I'm starting to get to know her or what was I thinking.

The answer to everything in life is TRY. You won't necesarily suceed but you need to try. Waiting until girls come to you or some one sets you up is barely trying at all. Heck I used to run from the girls who came to me and there is no way I would let some one set me up. But once you TRY you have a chance. 100% of the guys who complain getting women is hard don't TRY... they don't ask out girls on a regular basis. You need to make romantic gestures. Trying to friend your way into romance with one girl over a long period of time is a really weak try. Waiting for girls to like you or be setup is a really weak try. Asking girls out on the internet because its less scarry is a really weak try.

Regularly aproaching women you find attractive and asking them out is TRYING. I know that when I was single I would see MANY attractive women every week just walking around living their lives. And by only asking out a fraction of those women like 1% I was able to get dates and eventulaly through dating I found my gf's.

Just DO IT! Ask women out... don't analyze or think it through... just do it.

You already know what to do or say, so ignore the fear and negative talk and do what you would have done or said had the thought "ur going to anoy her or scare her" didn't pop into your mind. SO WHAT IF YOU ANOY OR SCARE HER... sht it will be a good story women get off on being hit on by men. Seriously if you do it with respect and they choose to be anoyed/angry/scared/sad thats on them not you.

The same way its fun to work a job you are good at... aka better then other people at... its fun to be with a person you are good at. You arn't going to find that person if you arn't willing to be yourself ... aka ask out the girls you find attractive. You are doing them a favor... nothing worse then a woman gone to waste for lack of the right man.
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Old 4th December 2010, 5:47 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cracker Jack View Post
Well, unfortunately I don't approach women because 1) I don't know how to, and would end up looking like an idiot if I tried, and 2) I don't think they would want to be annoyed by someone like me.

Yes, this is also referring to the girls who stare at me for a good period of time while smiling in the process whenever I'm out. Sucks.
YOU 1) KNOW EXACTLY WHAT TO DO but are AFRAID... yes you might fail but heck thats how you LEARN 2) who cares if they are anoyed, you probably caused your mother great pain when you were born but that didn't stop you or her. Look dude its not about the girls you are going to annoy its about the girls who are going to really like you and wonder where the heck you have been all their lives. Think logicaly and you will see how ilogical ur excuses are.
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Old 4th December 2010, 7:39 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Green View Post
I like you Surealist. You are on my list of favorite posters.

I originaly came to this site by mistake when I was looking for pornography. (which I am against these days as I believe it unaturaly perverts the mind and makes people horny in a frustrating unproductive ways as oposed to a more natural powerful hornyness that is productive)

I was in every sense of the word a guy afraid to approach girls for most of my life. (High School through college) My main reason for this FEAR of REJECTION. I had lost so much at a young age and I believe this is the reason I had such fear.

But through my HORNYNESS I overcame that fear. and once I overcame the fear it left me or atleast no longer posed an opstacle.

I could care less if I scare a woman... In fact I would draw sexual pleasure from being percieved as a threat to a woman.

I've been given a very sharp mind (allows me to accomplish anything I want given time) and a body that at this time is perfection.(healthy, strong, resistant)

I was my greatest enemy for the longest time when it came to women. Even if a woman was attracted to me I would just say some nasty thing to myself like "she wouldn't like you if she knew who you really were."

I changed the inner dialogue and learned to love myself as every person should love themselves. I fully believe that you can only love the world as much as you love yourself.

I also feel that being afraid to approach girls is crippling not only in STARTING a relationship but in MAINTAINING a relationship. I don't think sht if my hot gf dumped me I'd be screwed... I have the mind set that if she dumped me or I dumped her I would easily be able to approach other women and the reason that I am with my current gf isn't out of fear but out of desire to build a relationship that benefits me in ways. There is something great about really getting to know some one and having them really know you that is what I am after... I'm not like other people who just want a body even if that body is false.

Once I changed the inner dialogue aproaching girls not only became easy but fun. I didn't care if a pretty girl rejected me because I didn't take it personal, in fact I found myself rejecting girls... yes I was one of those guys who would get a girls number and later decide nah I don't really like this girl now that I'm starting to get to know her or what was I thinking.

The answer to everything in life is TRY. You won't necesarily suceed but you need to try. Waiting until girls come to you or some one sets you up is barely trying at all. Heck I used to run from the girls who came to me and there is no way I would let some one set me up. But once you TRY you have a chance. 100% of the guys who complain getting women is hard don't TRY... they don't ask out girls on a regular basis. You need to make romantic gestures. Trying to friend your way into romance with one girl over a long period of time is a really weak try. Waiting for girls to like you or be setup is a really weak try. Asking girls out on the internet because its less scarry is a really weak try.

Regularly aproaching women you find attractive and asking them out is TRYING. I know that when I was single I would see MANY attractive women every week just walking around living their lives. And by only asking out a fraction of those women like 1% I was able to get dates and eventulaly through dating I found my gf's.

Just DO IT! Ask women out... don't analyze or think it through... just do it.

You already know what to do or say, so ignore the fear and negative talk and do what you would have done or said had the thought "ur going to anoy her or scare her" didn't pop into your mind. SO WHAT IF YOU ANOY OR SCARE HER... sht it will be a good story women get off on being hit on by men. Seriously if you do it with respect and they choose to be anoyed/angry/scared/sad thats on them not you.

The same way its fun to work a job you are good at... aka better then other people at... its fun to be with a person you are good at. You arn't going to find that person if you arn't willing to be yourself ... aka ask out the girls you find attractive. You are doing them a favor... nothing worse then a woman gone to waste for lack of the right man.
Are you like a personal motivational speaker who knows what people are going through at 4:30 in the morning?

Thanks for this post.
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Old 4th December 2010, 9:48 AM   #11
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Quote:
xpaperxcutx wrote:

Well if you're not approaching me and I'm not approaching you, wouldn't we be in a stalemate?

Fine, I'll initiate for once . But you should know women like assertive men.
That's the conventional wisdom, but I'd say it's really: Women want the men they like to be assertive.

So many people write here that rejection is some kind of polite, "Thanks, but no thanks." But my experience is that it's more like, "Of course not! Eeew!" And then the woman and her friends all think I'm an idiot.

For me it's like farting at a woman. She might pretend I didn't do it. She might laugh at me. She might get angry at me. But maybe, just maybe, it will turn her on.

Green, sorry but if you write some long post using phrases like "sexy fun girls" and "just KISS her" and stuff like that, I'll just skip over it. No offense.

Edited to add: I never fart at people. It's an analogy.

Last edited by hydorclops; 4th December 2010 at 9:54 AM..
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Old 4th December 2010, 10:16 AM   #12
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I think it's human nature to fear rejection. It's unfortunate for men that society in general expects them to be able to overcome that fear more so than women, just as society doesn't expect them to cry except in exceptionally rare situations. Still, don't look down on yourself for showing human weakness.

As for rejection being impolite, ie the example above, the fault lies entirely on the woman and not on you if they're rude to you for just asking them out. Unless you tried 10 times despite getting a 'no' all the time, or you're 30 years older than her, or something like that, every man deserves a polite answer. If all you really did was ask her out and she said, "Of course not!! Eww!!", she is the true idiot (and drama queen, at that).

If you cut it down to the bare basics, asking someone out really is just like smiling and saying 'Hi' first to a person you just met in class. The good apples will respond in kind, or at least just smile back even if they're shy. The bad apples will look down their nose at you. Their loss, not yours.
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Old 4th December 2010, 10:31 AM   #13
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Elswyth, I don't think women are particularly mean. I like women, I have women friends. But they complain a lot about men showing interest in them.

Asking a woman out, or showing romantic interest, is asserting my sexuality. That gets into the realm of possibly inappropriate behavior. It's embarrassing.

I was married for 12 years. I'm an OK guy. I think I'm good at relationships of all kinds. But I'm not good at dating. I don't even like the word dating.
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Old 4th December 2010, 10:32 AM   #14
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Even if rejection comes in the harshest form, what is the real negative consequence? It can only negatively affect you if you form your self image heavily on external validation, which is a problem in and of itself.

Why would these girls have this reaction? Because of some negative aspect of yourself or lack of a particular positive? If this is the case, all the rejection does is bring it to your attention in some way. All you can do is eliminate these negatives as much as you can possibly control, accept the conditions of life and the set of circumstances you have been presented with, and work to make yourself into the best "package" possible. This attitude and effort alone, combined with will, is going to increase attractiveness.

The counter-side is inaction, from which you will garner no external information about how desirable you are and provide no opportunity whatsoever for success. The likely path I've found this to take is that you will fill in this lack of external feedback with your own negative feedback and start making assumptions about how other people view you. Then, when you do interact with people, you expect them to view you the way you view yourself, and become nervous or feel somewhat inadequate. This is unfortunately portrayed in a number of ways through body language and tone/attitude in general. Any form of rejection here is taken as confirmation or proof and used as an excuse not to continue interacting with women/"trying".

Rejection is only scary if it has implications or confirms some form of negative thinking, which itself is the root of a problem which may be leading to the rejection. Otherwise, making these attempts is simply an opportunity to get what you are looking for, with very little downside.
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Old 4th December 2010, 10:37 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by hydorclops View Post
Elswyth, I don't think women are particularly mean. I like women, I have women friends. But they complain a lot about men showing interest in them.

Asking a woman out, or showing romantic interest, is asserting my sexuality. That gets into the realm of possibly inappropriate behavior. It's embarrassing.

I was married for 12 years. I'm an OK guy. I think I'm good at relationships of all kinds. But I'm not good at dating. I don't even like the word dating.
Huhhh. Well, complaining is one thing, I suppose. But complaint or not, a rude response such as the example you gave is NOT justifiable in most cases.
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