Ok...how does this dating game work?

[Butterfly16]

A little over a month ago I met someone online. We've gone out a few times, very compatible, shared some intimate secrets as well as been supportive when serious unexpected situations have come up. We have intense chemistry together. When I see him it is understood that I sleepover...I keep my toothbrush there. Everything seems to be going great between us. When we are together, we have an amazing time and I know I can easily, if I haven't already, fall for him.

 

I wasn't able to see him for Thanksgiving because he had family coming in and is still very close to the in-laws. He was with his ex for nearly 30 years and they have 3 adult children. So, the in-laws are his family and I accept that. Plus, I think it was kind of soon to introduce me when the divorce isn't quite finalized.

 

My dilemma is: when is it too soon to ask if he is seeing anyone else? I mean, I see that he still has his profile up and we do keep in contact nearly every day. But, he also works out of town a lot so I don't get to see him as frequently as I hope.

 

I know guys like the chase and a little competition, but I don't know how to play these games. Do I keep my profile up also? Do I try not to be so available to him? Like on yahoo IM, or when he texts me? I'm not very good at this. And I don't want to scare him off with me being TOO available for him or letting him think I go out with a bunch of other guys. Because I don't. I don't see anyone but him. I never told him because he never asked. I've let him know that I want to be his friend and that he can share anything with me. He has told me that he wants to open up and that this is the first time anyone has attempted it. So, I do feel that he is accepting my friendship as well as other things.

 

But, if I ask could this put pressure on our relationship? I would love to spend the holidays knowing I'm the only girl in his life. And my birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks....well, I'm a widow now and hate the thought of being alone on special days like that.

 

What would you do?

[carhill]

Ah, dating a separated man.

 

Here's a thread for you

 

What's his docket status? Is the divorce amicable? If so, have they signed a bi-lateral agreement (called a MSA in California)? 'Not quite finalized' can mean anything. Look at facts.

 

I wouldn't date him or invest my emotions in him until he is legally and substantially (meaning his actions show him to be) divorced. If he loves you, he'll wait. If not, next.

[Butterfly16]

Even if he is obviously not with her? I mean....has his own place, left so much of material things behind so that he could get out of the marriage? Yeah, I'm fishing!!!

[carhill]

You'll get some help shortly. I'll suggest you ask to have him introduce you to his soon-to-be exW and, since they are apparently done with their M, get her perspective. His reaction to your question will be telling. As shared in the other thread, if she's 'happy' he's found someone, that would be a positive sign. Her words, not his. Good luck

[Confused4Now]

I wasn't able to see him for Thanksgiving because he had family coming in and is still very close to the in-laws. He was with his ex for nearly 30 years and they have 3 adult children. So, the in-laws are his family and I accept that. Plus, I think it was kind of soon to introduce me when the divorce isn't quite finalized.

 

My dilemma is: when is it too soon to ask if he is seeing anyone else? I mean, I see that he still has his profile up and we do keep in contact nearly every day. But, he also works out of town a lot so I don't get to see him as frequently as I hope.

 

I know guys like the chase and a little competition, but I don't know how to play these games. Do I keep my profile up also? Do I try not to be so available to him? Like on yahoo IM, or when he texts me? I'm not very good at this. And I don't want to scare him off with me being TOO available for him or letting him think I go out with a bunch of other guys. Because I don't. I don't see anyone but him. I never told him because he never asked. I've let him know that I want to be his friend and that he can share anything with me. He has told me that he wants to open up and that this is the first time anyone has attempted it. So, I do feel that he is accepting my friendship as well as other things.

 

But, if I ask could this put pressure on our relationship? I would love to spend the holidays knowing I'm the only girl in his life. And my birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks....well, I'm a widow now and hate the thought of being alone on special days like that.

 

What would you do?

My first question is how old are you? Sound like a big age difference or you haven't been in a relationship for a while... Second of all this guy was married for 30 years. His divorce is not final? I can assure you having been married myself for 21 years myself and divorced. I'd be taking my time. I'm just learning how to be by myself right now. Something I haven't done in a long time. I can assure you from my stand point I would not be looking into jumping into anything emotionally.

[Butterfly16]

We are both 51.

[Confused4Now]

We are both 51.

I'm 52 and all can say is take your time....get to know each other sorry to hear about your H...I read your story. Sounds like you've been out emotionally from it for some time. I can say this....when my divorce went final...I was so excited about getting out there in the dating world. I jumped into the Match and eHarmony and after some attempts of trying it I said screw this. Not sure if you have the same situation as me but I was in a emotionally dead marriage for so many years. It took an exiting affair to see what I was missing.

 

I finally got to the point of just working on me....focused on me. I'll leave it to the man upstairs to put the right person in my life. I mean I couldn't do it right?

 

Hang in there and please take your time....don't leave yourself to get hurt....Focus on you....

[Butterfly16]

I've been thinking about this all day, especially after reading everyone's comments. I've decided to sit down and just talk to him seriously the next time we see each other. I need to let him know where I am and find out where he is in this "relationship" of ours.

[Madgick]

I'm in my forties and dating too and it's just an odd experience. I don't know what to do either. I have a thread up "Whaddya Think", but haven't got much feedback. Maybe it was too long.

 

It seems to me that talking to him is the best thing to do. He's interested in you, and you talk every day, so that's good. It seems like maybe he wouldn't have time to have someone else in his life. However, even if he's willing to be exclusive right now, he might not want to be a year from now, once the divorce is final and he feels more steady on his single feet.

 

So in order to avoid investing time and emotions and avoid getting hurt down the line (altho there's never a guarantee that won't happen no matter what you do now), it does seem best to talk to him.

 

Do you know how you would approach such a discussion?

 

I don't think it's unusual or means anything that he didn't want to mix you with his family. Not being fully divorced is awkward; and the kids aren't going to be pleased however polite they are. I have 3 college aged kids and I don't want to introduce anyone to them, altho they are aware that I date. And my family of origin I think would be weary and wary to meet anyone. It hurts everyone when there's a divorce, everyone has to heal.

 

I wouldn't expect meeting his family over this Xmas and NYE either. But that wouldn't mean he is ashamed of you or doesn't see you as long term.

 

I guess what you are looking for would be is he someone who likes the comfort and ease of a good relationship (like my stepfather, he LIKED being a one woman man, eating dinner together, having one person to rely on)...or is he interested in playing and variety. If he's 51 and married 30 years, he's been married since he was 21--maybe regrets he never got a chance to play the field? Or maybe always content to have one buddy to rely on (come to think of it, my brother and cousin is the same way).

 

I wish you the best. Keep us updated.

Edited November 30, 2010 by Madgick

[LittleTiger]

Hi Butterfly. Good to 'see' you. I wondered how you were doing.

 

I think your best bet here is to talk to him - openly and honestly - about how you feel and how you would like the relationship to progress.

 

As Madgick says I suspect, after being married to the same woman for so long, and not yet divorced, he's is probably wanting to take things slowly. His family will need time to adjust to his new status too and, I imagine, that's why you haven't been included in festive celebrations just yet.

 

Be careful not to come on too strong. Keep it light and keep it friendly. Just tell him you really like him, you're not seeing anyone else and you hope that, when he's ready, things will develop further.

 

If he walks away then he isn't the man for you and it's better you find out now, rather than later on when you really have fallen for him 'big time'.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Tim The Enchanter]

I don't think a month is too soon to bring up the exclusivity talk.

[Butterfly16]

Thanks Madgick and Little Tiger...I'm actually trying not to contact him for a few days. Not to be playing games, but I don't want to come on too strong. I have been usually the first one to send an email or text or IM and he has always been receptive to receiving them. Answers them when he can, and says he enjoys the fact that I do write and share with him regardless of the subject.

 

But, since Thanksgiving, I felt maybe I should give him a little space since I really wanted to cook for him (or share with him some of my leftovers) and that didn't happen. So, I wrote him that if he needed to talk to me to feel free to contact me. That was Sunday and since he is out of town working, I know he can be pretty busy. I also know that late at night he usually liked to IM me.

 

I'm so silly, in that I actually deleted him from my YAHOO Msgr so that I wouldn't be tempted to leave him a msg on a daily basis...at least for awhile. I know, I know....they say let him miss you....let him chase you a bit. I have a feeling that when he returns after his project is finished, he will contact me. And then THATs when I will probably meet with him and ask him the big question. (Yes, Tim...I think you're right)

 

This is totally out of my character and MO. But, I respect your advise and opinions in that its better to find out now than later. I am nervous because of the fear that he is seeing other women. But also because I will be telling him that I can't see him anymore since I don't think he is ready for me or a commitment at this time. I understand he has some things he needs to work out and since I already started having feelings for him....I need to let him go.

 

I wish I could share with you all the little wonderful memories I already have with him over the past month...it would sure indicate how he wants to be in a relationship also. Some of his actions and the way he treats me when we are together...well, you'd think we've been together for awhile.

 

I am really nervous about this meeting. And I will keep you posted. Wish me luck and strength as I begin to put my big girl pants on and walk away from an incredible guy.

[Butterfly16]

Ok...well....this past Sunday evening after a VERY long week of not contacting my guy and waiting out till I heard from him...we chatted online for a bit and then he came by to see me. (Which is the first time to my place btw so I was very excited to see him!)

 

And..I told him I needed to ask him something. So, he knew I was serious and we were looking each other straight in the eyes when I asked him whether he was seeing anyone besides me. He said, "No, I'm not seeing anyone else." I explained I was just concerned and wasn't sure if he just..and before I finished my sentence. He finished it for me, by saying he wasn't playing, but he can't make a commitment now, either. Which I totally acknowledged and confirmed that I understood. He was also honest with me in that he told me he had exchanged emails with a couple of women...met them for coffee...but nothing else happened. No big date (like ours have been)...no connection of any kind. He just wasn't interested.

 

Since I last was on LS...I tried OKCupid. My guy was on there, as well. Funny thing....no matter how many questions I answered...we matched minimum 91% and he kept coming up as my top match (of course). I only stayed there for about a week before I deleted my profile. I already knew he was my perfect match. So, I figured he needed to know for himself that I am obviously his! lol Because I knew I was coming up on his matches/quivers as well.

 

But seriously, I know I've began to fall for him (haven't told him that of course). But I did admit to him I was in no hurry and that he was worth the wait. Ok...so I took a chance there by letting him know I care...but don't guys need/want to know someone cares about them just as much as us women?? And that they aren't playing with their feelings or just in it for fun?

 

ANYWAY.....I feel soooo much better knowing I'm the only one he is dating/seeing. I kind of knew it, but such a load of insecurity off my shoulders now. Oh...I saw him again last night and once again....if anyone saw us together...we act like we've been together forever!