new male "friend" makes slightly mean "jokes"

[ecm]

My new guy friend (potential boyfriend) seems to think it's funny to make little jokes every day. I make jokes mostly every time I open my mouth, but he's a little different-almost trying to be mean to be funny??? I can't figure out why he keeps saying these things (which are clearly not funny).

 

Let me give you a little background before people start saying things like " he does not like you, etc" If that's the case, then that's the case. I am really more interested in why anyone would think these kinds of jokes are funny. Please tell me what you think. (if you're a person who jokes like this or have dealt with it or know WHY they do it)

 

Examples:

 

(He calls me from his office) Him: "Hi beautiful, how's your day going" Me: "Hiiiiiii. Good, how about yours?" Him: "Good, the nurse is just finishing up under my desk, then I have some more patients to tend to.

 

I ask him a question bc I wanted him to explain something to me. He says "whyyyyy did I have to meet the good looking sister, whyyyyyy couldn't I have met the smart one?"

 

"Wow, you're mom is hot. Do you think I'd have a chance?" (self explanatory)

 

Today, explaining to him that I don't like to be the bearer of bad news, I don't even like to tell my students that they failed a test. He asked me what my pass ratio was for a certain test, and he said something like "maybe you're a bad teacher"

 

Always makes jokes about other girls.

 

Before you respond. We've been talking a little over a month. Other than these things he says, he is pretty much the man of my dreams. Things are like crazy-good between us, almost freaky-scary good, so this is kind of getting on my nerves.

 

Can anyone please tell me why the efffffff anyone would make jokes like this? Please?? Thanks !

[Art_Critic]

He just thinks he is funny...

You either have to ignore him.. or make him feel those jokes are funny..

My wife laughs at all my jokes even though I miss with a lot of them....

 

The other thing you could do is hit the joke right back at him... ie:

 

(He calls me from his office) Him: "Hi beautiful, how's your day going" Me: "Hiiiiiii. Good, how about yours?" Him: "Good, the nurse is just finishing up under my desk, then I have some more patients to tend to.

You: Tell her to take her time as she will only feel a small prick

 

I ask him a question bc I wanted him to explain something to me. He says "whyyyyy did I have to meet the good looking sister, whyyyyyy couldn't I have met the smart one?"

 

You: Because the smart one knew to stay away from the horrible jokes you tell

 

"Wow, you're mom is hot. Do you think I'd have a chance?" (self explanatory)

 

You: Not in a million years.. she likes them younger than she is

 

Today, explaining to him that I don't like to be the bearer of bad news, I don't even like to tell my students that they failed a test. He asked me what my pass ratio was for a certain test, and he said something like "maybe you're a bad teacher"

 

You:.. Well I myself don't want to be the bearer of the bad news that you are failing right now...... to impress me

[Hopeful30]

My boyfriend was the same at the beginning. It's because they want you to get a little bit jealous so you can "claim" them.

 

Im not insecure at all, im not jealous at ALL so my boyfriend used to always say those things. I didn't pay much attention because I didn't care, but at one point I got fed up and told him, "Listen, that's rude. I don't care if you look, but don't talk to me like that. You want someone else, you are free to go."

 

His response? (with a smile) "awww are you jealous?" They want us to be a bit jealous so they feel better that we want them all to ourselves.

 

You know what I said? "No i'm not, but its rude. But you know what? I'll do the same, next time I say something about a sexy guy I like, you can't give me **** for it."

 

He's never said a thing since.

[BobSacamento]

Oh brother. Nothing worse than a guy who attempts humor but only makes people feel uncomfortable. It's one thing to tease, but you don't tease about things that are serious like your career IE "Maybe your a bad teacher?" He's just not very tactful. A true gentleman can balance wit with class.

 

The worst part is when you bring up that you think his jokes are garbage he'll say: "Don't you have a sense of humor?"

 

I guess you can come back with: "I do, just get back to me when you've come up with better material."

[westrock]

Something is seriously wrong with a guy who makes those types of comments to a woman that he wants to have a relationship with.

 

He is testing your boundaries to see how far he can go. If you call him out on it, he will probably just say "I'm just joking". But it's not funny. It's control. Commments like that undermine your self-esteem.

 

Possibly this is how he was treated by his peers or parents when he was younger and he probably doesn't think anything is wrong with this approach. However, that is no excuse for his behavior towards you.

 

From what you wrote, you said it is getting on your nerves. Your gut is telling you something. That's a red flag.

[ecm]

Thank you both. Art Critic- those are some good comebacks! I will certainly be using them. Hopeful 30- that's what I kind of thought, to be honest. I thought he was maybe doing it a) to see if I'm a jealous person b) to see if he could make me jealous c) to see if I would say something about being "boyfriend/girlfriend" (bc apparently 36 is the new 12) or d) because he thinks it's funny?

 

I basically told him that I know he's not serious, tut the fact that he's TRYING to make me mad is starting to get on my nerves. Then I asked him to give me an example of a time where I joked in a mean way or at his expense. (and there was a long silence). So,i told him I don't play like that with people I like, so if he does then he can feel free to contact my Mom, sister or both. Hopeful 30--I think I'll use your line too (if he mouths off again-haha)

 

Thanks again. I just wanted to be sure I wasn't being too much of a baby by being annoyed. It's not a deal breaker or anything, I just was thinking about it.

[Ruby Slippers]

My last boyfriend was like this. He was gorgeous, amazing, "perfect", blah blah, but he made these kind of mean, biting, critical jokes sometimes. In the beginning, he said he was being funny and I was "too sensitive." Later on, though, he told me he was jealous of my talents, and admitted the mean comments were attempts to knock me down a peg or two.

 

I felt pretty chewed up and spit out after that relationship.

 

Please continue to pay attention to how you feel when he makes these comments. This is really not caring behavior, at all.

 

If I encounter this in the future, I will be extremely wary.

[ecm]

Thanks Bob. I agree Good line, too! Thanks.

[Ruby Slippers]

The worst part is when you bring up that you think his jokes are garbage he'll say: "Don't you have a sense of humor?"

 

I guess you can come back with: "I do, just get back to me when you've come up with better material."

Yes. My ex did that. He'd say exactly that, and my answer was: "It wasn't funny."

[BobSacamento]

Yes. My ex did that. He'd say exactly that, and my answer was: "It wasn't funny."

 

It's pretty typical - blame the audience, not the comedian. It's total crap.

[ecm]

Thanks, Westrock. Wow, you are wise. His dad was a pretty serious perfectionist, who pretty much didn't accept anything besides #1. In one way, it made him who is today: super successful, responsible, etc. But what you said made me think about WHY he acts like this. He adores his mother, though and treats her like a queen. So, I'm hoping that telling him from the beginning that it's not okay will be enough. We'll see. Thanks!

[ecm]

Thanks Ruby Slippers. I hate when I reply to 2 people's posts then I post it after someone else already posted, then it looks like I ignored them. Jeesh. Lots of responses! Ruby Slippers- when you would say "it's not funny" did it stop?

[Ruby Slippers]

Ruby Slippers- when you would say "it's not funny" did it stop?

No, but he did cut down on it some. The comments would still come out, just less often.

[daphne]

Those aren't jokes, those are some sort of weird test. Teasing has a much more playful, laid back feel to it than what you described. He's being an a$$ in my opinion.

 

I dated a guy who zinged a couple at me, but none were geared towards other women. I would have walked on that. But he made a few jokes at my expense and of course it was always "I was just joking." Uh huh. Now that I think about it, I'm glad it didn't work out. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes second guessing myself because it was a big red flag to me.

[whichwayisup]

He's testing you but doing it a funny way, so he thinks.

 

I wouldn't worry much about it yet. Unless he makes comments about your intelligence, you can call him on that - let him know that you do find him funny but joking about "I wish I met the smart sister" isn't cool, it's a put down, so if he goes there again, then tell him.

[dispatch3d]

does he hang out with many females in the course of a day? Honestly it just seems like he doesn't realize girls don't like those kinds of jokes. Guys usually think they are hilarious.

 

"My boyfriend did this at the start then blablabla" would support that, since you would continually not give them positive feedback so they would eventually stop doing that.

[veggirl]

This guy is 36?

 

Those "jokes" are obnoxious and disrespectful. Does he know they bother you? If not, please tell him. His reaction and subsequent actions will tell you all you need to know about him. He will either stop making those "jokes" in which case, YAY. Or he will keep doing it, in which case, BYE.

[veggirl]

And I think it's definitely possible that he is making these comments to make sure you don't get too comfortable w/ him or think that he likes you more than he actually does. It doesn't take a genius to know that telling a girl her mom/sister/friend/etc is hot is not the best way to impress her.

[westrock]

Thanks, Westrock. Wow, you are wise. His dad was a pretty serious perfectionist, who pretty much didn't accept anything besides #1. In one way, it made him who is today: super successful, responsible, etc. But what you said made me think about WHY he acts like this. He adores his mother, though and treats her like a queen. So, I'm hoping that telling him from the beginning that it's not okay will be enough. We'll see. Thanks!

 

ECM... explore this more. The treatment from his dad is likely the source of his actions towards you. Yes it made him the way he is today. He probably feels like he was never good enough for his dad and learned early on to have high standards in an effort to gain the love of his father. He may be successful today, but i wouldn't be surprised if internally he is emotionally drained of having to live by such a high standard set by his dad. When someone lives by the standard of " didn't accept anything besides #1" they interpret even the slightest thing that isn't perfect as meaning they are a failure. Since he will never be able to live up to his dad's requirement of being #1 (no one can), he probably constantly feels insecure despite his outward successes.

 

The problem is that you will not be able to live up to the standard of perfection he has learned to live by. The way he is testing you with his put down comments is likely equivalent to the treatment he had to deal with from his dad while growing up.

 

He probably treats his mother like a queen because he probably saw his mother being unhappy trying to live in a perfectionist environment with his dad, and now your guy is likely trying to make up for the treatment the mother endured. However, in a twisted way, he probably interpreted his dad's actions towards him and his mother as how a man expresses his "love" and now he is doing it to you because he doesn't know any other way. Unfortunately, it is not healthy.

 

Telling him from the beginning that it's not okay is a start, but it likely won't stop his behavior. He won't stop until he is able to resolve his issues of perfectionism that he learned from his dad in an effort to gain his father's love. That's an uphill battle that you can't solve for him, it's something he has to solve and unless he's ready to go there (which he probably isn't because he would have to admit he's not #1), then sadly his behavior will continue.

 

Perhaps next time he makes one of these comments, ask him why does he do it as a way to get into a deeper discussion about his upbringing.

[ecm]

Thanks again, everyone.

 

I think you have all helped me see what it might be, could be, what to watch out for.

 

I reeeeeeeeeeally hope it's just me being overly cautious. Sometimes I wish I were more trusting. I think I ruin things before I even take the chance to see if they're good. I'm going to take the chance with him, because he really is pretty amazing (other than this hopefully fixable annoyance).

 

Westrock- I think you're advice is great. Thanks so much. We've gotten into this already a little. Not too much though bc it's only been a little over a month.

 

I like to think I've learned from previous relationships. I've never been "abused" or anything, but I've definitely been a jerk-magnet. I'm going to remember what everyone has said, but I'll be watching out for other warning signs (which I've now looked into thanks to your responses)

 

Crossing my fingers I don't have to start another thread about this or anything similar. If it's him trying to be funny, hopefully I can school him. If he turns out to be even the slightest bit leaning toward the abusive type, I'm out- hot doctor or not.