Taking back the POWER and bringing back PASSION in a relationship?

[celsyus]

Hey guys. Long time reader, first time poster.

 

Short version: I need to reclaim power and stop being needy in a relationship that used to be all rainbows and unicorns. Advice, please!

 

Now for the novel:

 

I'm 25 and dating the girl of my dreams 1,400 miles away. She's confident, outgoing, incredibly intelligent, stunningly beautiful, and one of the most articulate people I've ever met. It's always been long-distance as we started dating when I moved away (genius move, I know). I've always sworn to never be in a long-distance relationship, but she is far and away the most amazing girl I've ever wanted to be with.

 

I have to believe that she felt the same, because the 'honeymoon' stage of the relationship lasted for a few months, and we would take turns to fly and stay with each other once a month for about a week at a time.

 

For the entire month of October, she was studying for the GRE and subsequently applying for grad school, and was under an enormous amount of pressure. I dealt with the fading affection she provided by making up for it on my end. I sent her roses for no reason, texted/called with sweet sentiments, etc, however haven't been satisfied with the amount of affection returned.

 

The situation peaked when I was trying to get a solid date to book my ticket to fly out there, and her saying that she didn't know when it would work well for her, with studying/work/family/going to vegas for her best friend's birthday (which she didn't invite me to).

 

We argued about it via text message - her saying I was selfish for wanting too much from her and that the last thing she needed was more stress, and me defending myself that I was doing everything I could to bring down her stress levels. We didn't speak for about three days after that, and I finally broke down and called her. We quickly resolved the issue, but I'm still bothered that it happened. She said that things would be better and that there is 'a reset button' to bring back the way it was.

 

Now I feel as though the passion is still waning, even though she claims it isn't. As a result, I'm needy, and she has power over me. As a confident man, this entire experience has been incredibly emasculating.

 

I want to stay with her, but I'm wondering if it may just be easier for everyone to just cut it off. I'm not eager to do this, because I'm enamored with her and feel unbelievably elated when we're together, and would probably be filled with regret.

 

Thanks for reading! You guys are fantastic.

[threebyfate]

If someone doesn't appreciate what you're doing for them, stop doing them. And I mean dead cold.

 

Give your head a shake and realize that it's time to back up and start reinvesting in your own life. Go out and have some fun. Don't make time for her anymore since she's currently prioritized you at the bottom of her scheduling. Put her where she's putting you.

[celsyus]

If someone doesn't appreciate what you're doing for them, stop doing them. And I mean dead cold.

 

You make a good point, but it's difficult to say whether or not she appreciates my actions. Her signals are mixed, and she directly attributes this to the exorbitant amount of stress she's been under, which I feel is at least partially valid.

[threebyfate]

She's telling you to stop adding to her stress. So do so. Stop pushing her which includes making her your priority when she's deprioritized you.

[waynesworld]

I agree with tbf. You should back off. I think all your gestures of affection are actually having the opposite effect you intended; you can't compensate for her lack of reciprocation. In fact, she's probably feeling overwhelmed and that's just turning her off even more.

 

You really like this girl and I hope it works out! Best of luck and keep us posted.

[amerikajin]

Here's the way I see this. I think your situation ultimately boils down to differences in priorities and perhaps differences in terms of the importance of your relationship.

 

The first thing you have to both determine is, what is the long-term goal here? Are you both interested in marriage or at least a long-term committed relationship? If you are thinking long-term and she's not, then that could be a problem. It could be that she's so focused on near-term goals such as grad school that she hasn't even thought that far ahead, and there's nothing wrong with that necessarily, but it is a problem if you're already planning that far ahead and she's not. You need to sort that out first, and then take it from there.

 

Once you get a sense for where this is going, or where it could lead anyway, then you want to ask yourself some basic questions about compatibility, and whether her actions are matching her words. It could be that she doesn't have the same protocols for relationships that you do. Or maybe it's that she just isn't handling the long distance relationship well. Sometimes, in an LDR, there's a tendency for people to get used to someone not being around at the end of the day, especially if you're not talking or texting every day. Over time, that can exact a toll on the relationship.

 

I would not automatically just stop communicating and sending her flowers. If you really want to do that, then do it. But I guess what people are saying is, do it all for the right reasons. Don't do something hoping that someone's going to appreciate the gesture any more than they've already shown. Do it because you feel it's the right thing to do. But also evaluate whether this is someone you should be in a relationship, and make sure you communicate clearly about what you feel are the differences between you. Maybe they can be worked out, and maybe they can't.

[Seamless74]

In regards to the woman of your dreams along with height, weight, interests, hair color , breast size,..........Location should be of primary concern like preferable in the same city..... Just sayin..

 

 

And the solution as in any other relationship with a woman your not married to is to..... Start talking to and dating other women... Then your problem probably wouldnt be such a problem would it.. And as far as getting the power back which honestly I think should be the least of your concerns wouldnt be a concern at all would it?

Edited November 27, 2010 by Seamless74

[that girl]

going to vegas for her best friend's birthday (which she didn't invite me to).

Why would she invite you to her best friend's birthday weekend away?

 

We argued about it via text message

Don't do this. Text and email are the absolute worst ways to handle any serious issue. There is no tone so things can seem really angry or defensive when they aren't meant that way. This should be the method of last resort only.

 

As a result, I'm needy, and she has power over me. As a confident man, this entire experience has been incredibly emasculating.

Someone who you truly love is always going to have power over you, it just shouldn't be this unbalanced. You need to stop thinking about this as being about power.

 

It sounds like she is legitimately stressed and will be legitimately stressed until sometime in December. The best way to handle that is to figure out a way to get your needs met while not putting any extra pressure on her. Maybe schedule an actual nightly phone call rather than expecting her to respond to texts throughout the day. Ask her when she could 100% handle a visit. First week in January maybe? and book a ticket for then.

 

Part of having a LTR with anyone is dealing with the difficult times.

[xpaperxcutx]

I don't think there's suppose to be a power struggle in a relationship

 

If anything LDR is more taxing and requires you to be bit more patient.

[LittleTiger]

Celsyus, I think you might get more helpful responses from your thread if you re-post it under Long Distance Relationships. I'm in a very successful LDR myself and I can tell you that the dynamics of LDRs are very different from the usual 'run-of-the-mill' dating situations. I would hazard a guess that your issues are probably related to the distance.