Jump to content

I am feeling extremely guilty/unworthy of my girlfriend (possibly long, but clear)


VertexSquared

Recommended Posts

VertexSquared

So, if any of you have followed my stories in the past -- I met a girl on eH about 7 months ago, and we're still together. Things have been fantastic, but I can't help but overcome this huge crush to my conscience that has been cropping up lately

 

In no particular order, these are my current issues:

 

1. She's extremely thoughtful and I'm not. She'll pick up a drink/food that I like if she sees it or will surprise me by taking me to a new NYC restaurant, etc. The problem is that it's so natural for her, but so difficult for me. It takes me a huge amount of thought and effort into figuring out something thoughtful, unique, witty, etc. She's giving me a Christmas present early because "She wants to be able to exchange it before it's too late in the event that it's not right," and yet: "But don't worry, I have like three ideas already lined up in my head for later." She's a total foodie and so it's hard to surprise her with restaurants, and any cute idea/thing I see that is worth getting -- I find is something she already owns or is already planning to buy. Even in terms of cooking, she can cook amazing things, whereas I'm a neophyte in comparison. There are times when I'll think of something clever only to see her find something similar online to show me in a link or something.

 

eg. "Look at these cute _________ I found online!"

Me, secretly: Well, there goes that idea.

 

2. We both work in finance. Sometimes she'll be really stressed out at work -- so during these times I've tried to help her out (whether it's as easy as writing a quick macro for her or explaining how something's done, etc) when in fact she just wants to vent to me/wants someone to listen. The problem is that I feel useless, then, because I am pretty much sitting there listening to her break down when a lot of the stress could be alleviated if she'd let me help.

 

3. I don't have a family -- but she does. Both of my parents are deceased (I am 24) and I am pretty much on my own. Her family is so great to me, always inviting me over for dinner/holidays/family outings and events/etc and I can't possibly do the same for my girlfriend because, simply put, I don't have a family.

 

4. In bed, she gives a lot. The sex is amazing but I feel so guilty about it. We do it like 1-2 times a day every time we see each other (which is anywhere from 2-5 times per week). I used to be able to get her off very frequently, but lately it's become harder and harder to do for some reason. I've had countless orgasms compared to her -- and even when she's on her period, she insists that I let her give me oral because "she is happy when I am happy." The last week she was on her period, I must have gotten at least 8 blowjobs. At the end of the day, she still seems to enjoy sex overall, but I can't help but feel guilty that I'm getting a lot more than she is even when I try my best to even things out for her. I go down on her, try different positions, etc, but sometimes she just can't come. But even then, she's still all smiles and loves cuddling at night as she falls asleep, and we'll make out, etc.

 

 

In general, it just feels like I'm getting so much more out of the relationship than she is, and that bothers me. I'm trying desperately to think of something thoughtful to give her for Christmas/her birthday/etc, and I'm scared stiff that I'm going to mess that up. She is very low-maintenance, but she is still very particular about what she likes and I don't want to get her something that basically screams "Uhhh we've been dating how long? And you chose that?" I feel like she does so much for me and I am not sure how I can truly show her how much I love and appreciate her.

 

I feel like it's constantly the case of me failing in some capacity, her succeeding, and then having her tell me the equivalent of "That's okay, I love you anyway." I want to genuinely come through for her and be a better boyfriend -- not that I'm a bad boyfriend now or anything -- but I feel like she's such an amazing person, and living up to that sort of standard is difficult.

 

Could really use some rational points/discussion here to help get my head on straight.

Edited by VertexSquared
Link to post
Share on other sites

Quit with the guilt. It's no proactive. You want to be more thoughtful? Then, be more thoughtful.

 

Remember, things like this take practice. I know you said that this seems to come naturally to your girlfriend. Well, golf comes naturally to Tiger Woods. That doesn't mean you couldn't get good at golf as well if you practiced every day. You might not turn pro, but you would make vast improvements. But whining about how you're not good at golf will get you NOWHERE FAST. Do you see what I'm getting at here?

 

So, let's think of ways to be more thoughtful for your girlfriend. What does she like? What is she into? Tell us about a typical day, a hobby, a secret love, whatever. Let's brain storm up some ideas to make her smile.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
VertexSquared

She's a huge foodie -- reads many food blogs, writes one of her own, likes to try different restaurants, likes to cook/go to book signings/etc. Also into photography, art, shoes/cute bags/stuff most girls seem to be into. Soft spot for certain cute cartoons that I don't want to name here explicitly (don't want to make myself too searchable -- we're both avid Googlers) -- except she already owns endless stuffed animals of the characters, haha.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You sound like my boyfriend... he says to me that he doesn't know what to do for me and he has told me I am too good for him as well. I am happy with him.. and like your gf.. if he's happy I'm happy.

 

It doesn't take a lot.. my boyfriend just started surprising me with wine... the other night we did wine, cheese and crackers, and a movie. It doesn't take a lot :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

You seem pretty great to me. You appreciate your girlfriend and what she contributes to you and your relationship. You know that you aren't as good at some things as she is. Just let her know how much you love and appreciate her and you'll be fine.

 

By the way, I suck at the thoughtful thing too (#1). I am terrible at picking gifts and romantic gestures. I go into fetal position every time a loved one has a birthday. :laugh:

Link to post
Share on other sites
She's a huge foodie -- reads many food blogs, writes one of her own, likes to try different restaurants, likes to cook/go to book signings/etc. Also into photography, art, shoes/cute bags/stuff most girls seem to be into. Soft spot for certain cute cartoons that I don't want to name here explicitly (don't want to make myself too searchable -- we're both avid Googlers) -- except she already owns endless stuffed animals of the characters, haha.

 

If she's into obscure cartoon stuff, ebay is your friend. I know there is a lot of collectible stuff there that she might not even know exists.

 

For expensive gifts, obviously a new camera or knife set. New pots and pans. Do some online research for recommendations. Give her this and something a little more romantic as well.

 

Every day thoughtfulness: Surprise her with flowers. (Find out what her favorite flower is and her favorite color first). Write her a little love note and leave it somewhere where she's sure to find it. (like, perhaps in a book she's reading) Do you have a lot of songs that remind you of her? Make her a play list/CD. When she's had a hard day, draw her a bubble bath and let her relax.

 

You can do something practical that will make her life easier. For example, if she hates doing laundry, you can take her clothes to the cleaners for her. Do the dishes. Tidy up. Women love this stuff.

 

Has there been something she has always wanted to try? What did she used to want to be when she grew up? For example, when I was younger, I always wanted to be a dancer. So if I had a boyfriend who bought me some dance lessons, I'd be thrilled.

 

Do you know any beautiful parks? Maybe plan a little picnic?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Vertex,

 

it sounds like you hit the jackpot.

 

You should ask her to marry you.

 

Seriously.

 

For a present, get her a nice diamond engagement ring.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
VertexSquared
If she's into obscure cartoon stuff, ebay is your friend. I know there is a lot of collectible stuff there that she might not even know exists.

 

For expensive gifts, obviously a new camera or knife set. New pots and pans. Do some online research for recommendations. Give her this and something a little more romantic as well.

 

Every day thoughtfulness: Surprise her with flowers. (Find out what her favorite flower is and her favorite color first). Write her a little love note and leave it somewhere where she's sure to find it. (like, perhaps in a book she's reading) Do you have a lot of songs that remind you of her? Make her a play list/CD. When she's had a hard day, draw her a bubble bath and let her relax.

 

You can do something practical that will make her life easier. For example, if she hates doing laundry, you can take her clothes to the cleaners for her. Do the dishes. Tidy up. Women love this stuff.

 

Has there been something she has always wanted to try? What did she used to want to be when she grew up? For example, when I was younger, I always wanted to be a dancer. So if I had a boyfriend who bought me some dance lessons, I'd be thrilled.

 

Do you know any beautiful parks? Maybe plan a little picnic?

 

1. Yes, I was looking into some collectible items. I just don't want to get her something she already owns. She's got a room back home FULL of this stuff.

 

2. She loves it when I do dishes and I already do some of the laundry -- she's over at my place a lot and so quite a few of her clothes make it into my usual loads.

 

3. She's always wanted to go to culinary school/become a chef/etc. She's always taking cooking classes. In fact, she's going to one tonight. One thing I wanted to do was secretly learn how to cook something great and surprise her with it... but the problem is that I am a total newbie at it, and she's over very often. I'm still debating what to make her. The first time I tried surprising her with dinner I had made, it didn't turn out well, LOL (I made way too much food and it didn't taste amazing) -- but she seemed to be appreciative of it anyway.

 

4. Yes, I live in Manhattan and so we have Central Park (which we ironically haven't gone to much), although we have walked through Battery Park and certain areas of Jersey. A picnic sounds like a good idea too.

 

 

Vertex,

 

it sounds like you hit the jackpot.

 

You should ask her to marry you.

 

Seriously.

 

For a present, get her a nice diamond engagement ring.

 

Haha, it's probably a bit too soon for that. But yes I do think she's a great girl. If we ever got married, it probably would be until quite a few years down the line.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't feel like you have to be good at exactly what she is good at. So if she's the cook, you do NOT have to be a great cook as well. The best relationships are with someone who compliments you. If she cooks, you can always do the shopping or the cleaning up or whatever.

 

Even better, take what you're already good at and capitalize on it. So what are some of your strengths? What are you good at? And what are your girlfriend's weaknesses?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
VertexSquared

Problem is that even if I try to clean up on my own, she insists on helping even if she did most of the cooking. I have to basically kick her out of the kitchen, lol.

 

My strengths are largely... not very romantic. I'm a math/science/computer/language/bookworm kinda guy. A lot of things I am bad at, she is quite good at, but I am not sure how I'd put what I'm good at towards something she would appreciate/love/find cute/enjoy/whatever.

 

Not really sure what her weaknesses would be other than the fact she's lactose intolerant and hates doing dishes, haha (so I make sure to take her to places that don't rely on a lot of cheese, or I always try to do the dishes if we cook something together). I also help proofread her blogs and help write from time to time, etc. But again, in terms of gift-giving, I'm not sure how to leverage skill when she's so hard to surprise. She's very good with details.

Link to post
Share on other sites

She sounds really loving and caring. Since you're having such difficulty with little things throughout an extended length of time, why not do something a little bigger, on a one shot deal. Take her away on a weekend somewhere romantic and relaxing, somewhere she won't have to cook. Explain that the small things are difficult for you, not because you don't care but that being creative and spontaneous like that is difficult for you, so that's why you wanted to show her how much you appreciate her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
VertexSquared
She sounds really loving and caring. Since you're having such difficulty with little things throughout an extended length of time, why not do something a little bigger, on a one shot deal. Take her away on a weekend somewhere romantic and relaxing, somewhere she won't have to cook. Explain that the small things are difficult for you, not because you don't care but that being creative and spontaneous like that is difficult for you, so that's why you wanted to show her how much you appreciate her.

 

This is what makes me want to just cry, lol. I've thought of this too but I don't have enough leftover income to pull off these one-shot deals for a while. I make a very decent income but my expenses are through the roof due to school loans and rent (she lives at home and does not have loans and her income isn't that much lower than mine). I just started my career and don't think I can afford this just yet -- otherwise I know exactly where I'd take her.

 

Basically, I don't have a huge amount of money to spend and so I'm having to rely on being thoughtful... but the problem is that I'm not super great at that, either. All of this sort of creates the internal guilt I am feeling, especially when you consider how amazing my girlfriend is. I honestly never thought I'd catch such a girl O.O Gotta hand it to online dating, haha.

 

Although I'd be willing to spend a few hundred if I could take her somewhere cool for a few days -- I don't yet have a few thousand I can leverage.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thoughtful things don't have to cost money. Like I said, leaving a little 'thinking of you' note in a book she's reading is free. And it will make her smile.

 

Where would you take her? Can you take her on a pretend trip to there? And by that, I mean, say you wanted to take her to a beach. Buy a couple of bags of sand and 'create' a little beach in your back yard. Complete with towels, sunscreen, a picnic lunch, tropical music and little drinks with umbrellas in them.

 

I'm telling you, it's the thought that counts and women eat stuff up like this.

 

Write her a poem. It doesn't matter if it's a horrible poem. It's the effort that counts.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Haha, it's probably a bit too soon for that. But yes I do think she's a great girl. If we ever got married, it probably would be until quite a few years down the line.
Oy vey, why don't you listen to your Bubby?

 

Give me some grandchildren already.

 

(Or would that be great-grandchildren?)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I assume you have an electronic calendar. Use it. Open it up, pick random days around every 2-3 weeks, and type in "bring X flowers." On that day, get flowers. She feels like it is romantic and random.

 

Do the same for "do something thoughtful." On those days, surprise her with breakfast in bed (if possible) or a surprise dinner out, or even picking up really good food and setting it out at home under candles. Do something that involves her interests, have it be something small but special. Every 2-3 weeks. On days you are not planning flowers.

 

You just became more thoughtful then 90% of guys, and its dead easy with an electronic calendar.

 

And if she ever sees it, so what? You just say, "you are so important to me that I cannot stand forgetting to show it to you, and I make sure to remind myself", or some other cheesy line.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You can help her manage stress by giving her a massage/mani/pedi/facial. All very thoughtful gifts. There are four random thoughtful little things right there! Get a gift certificate to a good spa, there are tons of these in NYC.

 

There are TONS of local artist in NYC. For a special gift, contact one and have a piece of art commissioned that features her favorite cartoon(s) in a way that would be meaningful to her or to your relationship. Hello super awesome Christmas/Birthday gift.

 

Introduce a game. Sit down and write a list of restaurants that you want to try together on slips of paper. Put them all in a jar and say that once a week or once every two weeks you will pull one out and go there. It will be a fun way to be part of her love of all things food.

 

Does she carry a briefcase? Use the electronic calendar idea to pick random days to slip a card/note into her briefcase.

 

Does she have a photo of you two at work? Buy a frame you know she would love, put in a pic with a cute message written on the back. Point out the message. She will think of you fondly whenever she looks at it.

 

Send her random "I'm thinking of you" texts throughout the day. Or better yet, take pictures of yourself holding signs "I'm thinking of you" "I love you" "Cant' wait to hold you later" Can't wait to......heh" Things like that, and randomly text those to her.

 

Random flowers rock, but spread it out to every 4 to 5 weeks. Send them to her work on a Monday for major bonus points.

 

As for the sex, if she didn't want to do it, she wouldn't. Let that one go! :p

 

Did any of that help??

Link to post
Share on other sites

1. She's extremely thoughtful and I'm not.

Then be more thoughtful! It's the thought that counts - even if you give her a crap present or write her a terrible poem, the fact that you've made the effort is what will make her happy.

 

2. [sometimes she'll be really stressed out at work -- so during these times I've tried to help her out, when in fact she just wants to vent to me/wants someone to listen. The problem is that I feel useless, then, because I am pretty much sitting there listening to her break down when a lot of the stress could be alleviated if she'd let me help.

Women mostly like someone to listen to them, because it shows that the person cares. You may think it doesn't actually solve anything, but you are helping just by listening. If you jump in and try to solve the problem, she doesn't feel heard; she doesn't necessarily want a solution, what she wants is sympathy and affection. Maybe after listening for a while you can offer a solution, but don't be hurt if she rejects it - she probably didn't want a solution in the first place, she just wanted her feelings to be validated.

 

3. I don't have a family -- but she does.

She doesn't involve you with her family because she expects you to reciprocate; she involves you because she cares about you and sees you as part of her extended family. This is one area in which you don't have to reciprocate; just be grateful that she and her family love you.

 

4. In bed, she gives a lot. The sex is amazing but I feel so guilty about it.

She sounds like a very selfless person who gives a lot because she wants you to be happy; the last thing she wants is for you to feel guilty. You should just try your best to make her happy, and forget about any perceived imbalance. If you're trying your best, that's what counts.

Link to post
Share on other sites
This is what makes me want to just cry, lol. I've thought of this too but I don't have enough leftover income to pull off these one-shot deals for a while. I make a very decent income but my expenses are through the roof due to school loans and rent (she lives at home and does not have loans and her income isn't that much lower than mine). I just started my career and don't think I can afford this just yet -- otherwise I know exactly where I'd take her.

 

Basically, I don't have a huge amount of money to spend and so I'm having to rely on being thoughtful... but the problem is that I'm not super great at that, either. All of this sort of creates the internal guilt I am feeling, especially when you consider how amazing my girlfriend is. I honestly never thought I'd catch such a girl O.O Gotta hand it to online dating, haha.

 

Although I'd be willing to spend a few hundred if I could take her somewhere cool for a few days -- I don't yet have a few thousand I can leverage.

Just googled a quaint Bed and Breakfast in the lower Hudson Valley for under $200/night called Caldwell House Bed & Breakfast. I wouldn't doubt there are many places in the off-season that would be very reasonable.

 

But it's tough when you're trying to pay things off so why not give her an entire weekend off, where you're essentially her love slave, massages, cooking meals, doing the dishes, etc.

Link to post
Share on other sites

But it's tough when you're trying to pay things off so why not give her an entire weekend off, where you're essentially her love slave, massages, cooking meals, doing the dishes, etc.

 

I second this suggestion. ;) If she's sexually-adventurous, you could make it a semi-sexual thing as well, just so she feels kinky instead of guilty that you're doing all the work.

 

However, I want to caution you against the 'I'm not good enough for her' attitude. I see it very often in guys who are in their first serious relationship... and it usually doesn't bode well for the relationship. Accept that if she is with you, you are good enough, and just reciprocate her good deeds as much as you can.

 

Btw, I know how you feel about the 'not being witty/good at giving her little surprises'. I'm horrible at thinking up creative gifts or surprises. But it's a relationship, not an art exam; creativity and spontaneity isn't the most important thing. Also, it doesn't matter that your cooking skills pale in comparison to hers. Just bake her a simple cake or something or bring her a simple breakfast in bed. Stuff like that.

Edited by Elswyth
Link to post
Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers

Relationships usually work better when the man feels he is getting "a better deal" than the woman.

 

As usual, you're overthinking. Just enjoy. Be good to your woman, yes, but also, just enjoy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
VertexSquared

Thanks for all the ideas so far, guys! Very helpful! Keep em coming -- the more the merrier. :D

 

However, I want to caution you against the 'I'm not good enough for her' attitude. I see it very often in guys who are in their first serious relationship... and it usually doesn't bode well for the relationship. Accept that if she is with you, you are good enough, and just reciprocate her good deeds as much as you can.

Relationships usually work better when the man feels he is getting "a better deal" than the woman.

 

As usual, you're overthinking. Just enjoy. Be good to your woman, yes, but also, just enjoy.

 

 

I've been in two previous LTR's but this is probably my second "serious" one where things are actually healthy.

 

I should just clarify that I'm not really portraying the attitude to her directly -- I am just venting it here. I don't ever tell her "I'm not good enough, etc"... if anything, I probably come across as slightly cocky. But what I might do is say "You come up with ideas so quickly! Takes me quite a bit longer to come up with even one idea, haha," to which she might reply, "Aww, well at least that means you put thought into it :)" or something similar. I don't *really* think I am unworthy of her or anything, but it does bother me that I can't seem to contribute as much to the relationship to the extent that she can, that's all.

 

So far I've been "just enjoying" things but it kinda eats at me. She's very polite and almost always refuses anything I offer to do for her ("I'll come with with an umbrella -- it's raining" / "Let me help you clean up" / "Let me carry that for you" / "I'll stop by and get some macaroons for us to share" / "I'll wait for you out front") but she always gives a sort of "Oh no it's okay" sort of response. The next logical step, at least in my mind, was to just DO these things without asking her first. She seems appreciative of it but it's always a very "Omg you seriously didn't have to do that" sort of thing.

 

She also dislikes most compliments -- but she's told me this is because she's pretty conditioned by now to find most compliments from people superficial. I think she's gorgeous, for instance, but I usually compliment her on functions of her thoughtfulness/decision making/intelligence/how she dresses/her abilities/her cooking/etc instead. For instance, she likes it when I proofread her blogs for errors, but at the same time she's really, really self-conscious about her writing because "she doesn't want to come across as stupid" to me -- but honestly, her writing is amazing and usually with minimal error, and I always compliment her on these things.

 

What *COMPLETELY BOGGLES ME* is that she's been in numerous relationships before and they've *all* dumped her at some point early on. I seriously have no freaking idea why this happened, but holy poop -- their loss! Sometimes I wonder if she's not complaining about things I'm not doing for her because she doesn't want me to dump her? I know that sometimes she's a very self-conscious person, and a bit of a fraidy-cat (although I find it endearing), but I truly wonder sometimes if she's aware of how great she is. It just upsets me that I am seemingly unable to show this to her.

 

Just today she stopped by after we both got home from work and she's already given me one amazing early Christmas present -- and when she comes back from her class today, she's bringing back food that she'll have made. She's just constantly giving and I'm not used to being given to this much (I grew up in an abusive household and was largely neglected). I'm not sure if I am freaking out over nothing or what, but it's almost too-good-to-be-true.

 

All in all, I just wish I could contribute more. I think she'd really love it.

Edited by VertexSquared
Link to post
Share on other sites

Why not treat her to a weekend away. Just clear the date with her and make everything else a surprise. Maybe the Long Island Wine country or if your budget would allow, a weekend in San Fransisco?

 

Relationships usually work better when the man feels he is getting "a better deal" than the woman.

I somewhat agree with that. I think it is important that the guy thinks he has a catch. But the OP not being as giving as his girlfriend might be a red flag for selfishness to her over time.

 

She's very polite and almost always refuses anything I offer to do for her ("I'll come with with an umbrella -- it's raining" / "Let me help you clean up" / "Let me carry that for you" / "I'll stop by and get some macaroons for us to share" / "I'll wait for you out front") but she always gives a sort of "Oh no it's okay" sort of response. The next logical step, at least in my mind, was to just DO these things without asking her first. She seems appreciative of it but it's always a very "Omg you seriously didn't have to do that" sort of thing.

See, I think if she's cooking for you all the time, you should be cleaning up. And if she says no it is okay, you should insist. You seen to do a lot of asking while she does a lot of doing. Like, you suggest getting the macaroons rather than just getting them. Obviously she has a hard time accepting help and you aren't good at surprising her.

 

We both work in finance. Sometimes she'll be really stressed out at work -- so during these times I've tried to help her out (whether it's as easy as writing a quick macro for her or explaining how something's done, etc) when in fact she just wants to vent to me/wants someone to listen. The problem is that I feel useless, then, because I am pretty much sitting there listening to her break down when a lot of the stress could be alleviated if she'd let me help.

Odds are that letting her vents helps her more than you trying to fix it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...