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Are you being blown off? What do you do?


Star Gazer

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When you sense that you're being blown off (which in hindsight may or may not be accurate*), how do you normally respond?

 

Do you just... do nothing, even if that means letting it die?

 

Do you... ask/inquire if that's what's happening?

 

Do you... chase?

 

How does this normally work out for you? Does it matter how much you like the person, or how long you've been dating?

 

 

*Examples of sensing that you're being blown off might include the other person cancelling/asking to reschedule (but not setting an alternative date), dwindling/sudden change in contact level, plentiful reasons for not being able to get together, etc. (you get the idea).

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Given my experiences, when I sense that I'm being blown off, I withdraw. I went to great extremes to make sure that women I barely knew (under 6 months) did not get more of my investment than they deserved. By withdrawing, I would usually give them at least two strikes that they would have to remove by showing the proper effort and initiation.

 

Unfortunately though, Star, when I did start getting the sense of being blown off, it always ended soon after. My withdrawl coupled with their impending apathy was always a great recipe for nothingness.

 

That help?

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It really depends on the blow off situation, and it's usually that men are dealing with this more so than women...because are doing the pursuing most times anyway.

 

I have some friends that use the 3-strikes rule...typically this is a woman that will GIVE you their phone #, with no real intent of wanting to actually go out with you.

 

Basically they call the woman 3 times (probably once a week) and if they

 

1. Answer the phone, chat with you for a bit, and come up with an excuse...or in my case I have gotten, "I don't know what I have going on this weekend, I'll let you know when it gets closer to the weekend"

 

2 They don't answer and you leave a message

 

If they do this 3 times, with no success...move on

 

I usually do it twice.

 

But it does get irritating when a woman says "Yes" to a date, but never goes OUT with you on a Date.

 

 

When you sense that you're being blown off (which in hindsight may or may not be accurate*), how do you normally respond?

 

Do you just... do nothing, even if that means letting it die?

 

Do you... ask/inquire if that's what's happening?

 

Do you... chase?

 

How does this normally work out for you? Does it matter how much you like the person, or how long you've been dating?

 

 

*Examples of sensing that you're being blown off might include the other person cancelling/asking to reschedule (but not setting an alternative date), dwindling/sudden change in contact level, plentiful reasons for not being able to get together, etc. (you get the idea).

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It depends on the situation, I've been on 3 dates with a chick and she was canceling ones in between others. I called her on it and she said it was because she was scared of getting attached to me (she had recently gone through a bad break-up after a 6 year relationship). So we worked around it..

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I'm pretty consistent over the decades, wrt the early dating process....

 

Next.

 

Obviously, in a committed LTR or M, things are different, as is the level of investment and commitment.

 

When looking for a LTR partner, I'm looking for someone who's committed to and positive about the *process* and how they feel about me. If other, there are potentials for them and I certainly don't want to stand in the way of those being found. Next :)

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melodymatters

Yup, in the early stages I just faaaaade away ! Who wants a guy who isn't crazy about you, can't wait to see you ???

 

And I didn't date pansy's. One was a cool ass record producer and the other owned a biker compound. THEY let me know they were interested and they kept up the chase, anything less.....f*ck em !

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Almost always I withdraw contact and wait for them to text/call/email.

 

I'm trying to think of exceptions where I chased. Here are two that I remember:

 

1) A guy faded on me when the term ended in college. He didn't dump me, just said it's summer and bye forever. I begged for us to do long distance (4 hours) until school started in the Fall. He said no and that he's done with me. I ended up sobbing hysterically all night instead of studying for my finals. Needless to say, I didn't do well in school that semester.

 

2) A guy I was dating did a fade and I tried to keep things alive. I remember spending my 22nd birthday at his place while he sulked and barely spoke to me.

 

I'm done with chasing men who are fading on me. I can't see it ever having a good outcome.

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I usually *want* to ask, but end up withdrawing. A lot of my friends ask.

 

Do you ever wonder whether you should have said something? Who knows, maybe they weren't blowing you off, maybe they were withdrawing because they sensed you were? Or they legitimately had sh*t going on? In that case, if you fade away too, aren't you letting go of something with real potential? I dunno. These are rhetorical questions, and I tend to change my mind based on the people involved. I guess I just don't favor hard and fast rules about this sort of thing.

 

Do you know the responses your friends got?

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I just get quiet and disappear...

This is one of those times that a confrontation isn't the priority to me.. Putting my times and effort to good use of my time is...

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make me believe
Yup, in the early stages I just faaaaade away ! Who wants a guy who isn't crazy about you, can't wait to see you ???

 

And I didn't date pansy's. One was a cool ass record producer and the other owned a biker compound. THEY let me know they were interested and they kept up the chase, anything less.....f*ck em !

 

Absolutely! I wouldn't even waste my time on a guy who was making me feel like I was being blown off.

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Girlygirl1977

I would do nothing. The feeling you are getting blown-off is usually pretty accurate. So doing nothing will allow you to see if you were wrong. If it is in the early stages, then really the right thing to do is nothing/withdraw. Let them make the next move.

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Yup, in the early stages I just faaaaade away ! Who wants a guy who isn't crazy about you, can't wait to see you ???

!

 

Agreed. In the early stages, if a guy started dropping the ball and not returning calls in timely fashion or canceling and then acting vague about rescheduling, I walked away, and without looking back. NOT interested in being somebody's backup plan or booty call.

 

If the relationship had progressed a bit further and the other partner got squirrely out of nowhere I would ask for an explanation and give them a couple of good-faith chances. If they blew it beyond that point, I said goodbye and wished them luck.

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I usually give them one chance to resume the status quo before I move on - two if I really like the guy or happen to be bored at the moment... :o

 

For example, say we usually get together every week and then one week he says he can't for what ever reason. Fine. His first chance will be whether or not he initiates a rain check date - and doesn't flake out again. If he doesn't, I may just suck it up and ask him out. This is the second chance. If things don't improve after this, I officially become mute and fade out of the picture completely.

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Do you just... do nothing, even if that means letting it die?

 

 

This one, I would not act, or recommend that someone acts in any of the other ways.

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I'd only ever chased 3 times. All of them had been over texting and phone after they slowly stopped talking to me. I had a hard time with rejection and would text them nonstop or drunk dial them. There was a particular guy who I knew back in high school whom I almost literally stalked. A friend had to step in to stop my irrational behaviour.

 

It's been a long since I went " psychotic". The last guy who disappeared on me, I just let him go.

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Interesting almost unanimous responses!!

 

IME, if I really like a guy, I ALWAYS ask. And to be honest, I think I usually get an honest answer!!

 

Fascinating...

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I "chased" a girl that continually would flake out on me for almost six god damn months until I pulled my head out and realized that it was never going to happen and that I was making a fool of myself.

 

I'd make plans with her and then she'd flake out at the last second. I'd get put off and not talk to her for a little bit. Then I'd see her on campus and get the whole "oh man, I really miss seeing you! We need to hang out again really soon!" I'd make plans with her, get flaked on... Wash, rinse, repeat.

 

What a fool I was...

 

I refuse to allow someone to waste my time like that anymore.

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Star: so you actually ask the guy if you're being blown off? How do you phrase that tactfully without sounding accusatory or insecure?

 

I have asked a few guys this before when I've suspected a blow off, and usually end up regretting it because I felt like it came off as insecure. With guys I was lukewarm about I just let it fade, but I've had trouble controlling myself with guys I'm super into.

 

This one dude I was crazy about a couple of years ago kept rescheduling, and I asked him a few times (yes a few) whether he actually wanted to get together. He kept *insisting* that he really did and was "very interested." But he ended up blowing me off anyway. I wish I had been less aggressive and called it a day.

 

With this guy I met online in the early fall I asked if he was still interested and he told me he was only to blow me off.

 

I've finally sort of learned my lesson with the guy I'm now casually dating (I keep flip flopping about whether to end it). The only time I came close to asking him if he was blowing me off I managed to tone down the crazy a bit in my wording. To his credit he's been consistently honest with me, and never flaked on an engagement. Even though we're not on the same page relationship wise, I can at least respect his honesty.

 

Amazingly, all of the other dudes were dishonest. :x

 

The lesson I've learned is if a guy doesn't seem especially honest, forthright or socially responsible -- in my experience most young men aren't -- then it's pointless to ask if they're blowing you off because a) you may not get an honest answer and b) they may get freaked out by the question. These are guys whose actions trump their words, so you usually already have your answer just by watching their behavior. Since guys like this tend to be poor communicators, they're likely to get freaked out by your directness.

 

On the other hand, if a guy has already shown that his actions and words line up, then it's probably worth asking. These guys tend to be good communicators and won't lose respect for you if you ask where you stand.

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IME, if I really like a guy, I ALWAYS ask. And to be honest, I think I usually get an honest answer!!

 

 

Doesn't it feel degrading to ask them when their actions already hold the answer?

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Shadow/Sky... I don't really ASK, now that I think about it. I usually just say something like, "I'm not a genius at reading people I don't know very well, but I get the sense that maybe you're not as interested as you were at the beginning." And then I just wait for a response.

 

Sometimes it's silence. (Answer is obvious! ;))

Sometimes it's, "Yeah, I guess I'm not as fired up about us as I once was."

Sometimes it's, "I'm being lame, not just to you but other friends as well. I've just been in my own element. Nothing to do with you. How about dinner tomorrow? :)" (And then I proceed cautiously, to see if "the drop" happens again...)

Sometimes it's, "Oh sh*t, I'm sorry, didn't mean to make you feel that way. I was just trying to keep this thing slow paced. How about dinner on Saturday?"

 

Either way, I just prefer to know... So that I can move forward, with or without him on my mind.

 

Plus, I've had some guys ask me the very same question... And my own responses have been just as varied.

 

Perception isn't always reality, ya know?

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Doesn't it feel degrading to ask them when their actions already hold the answer?

 

Degrading is a pretty harsh word! :laugh:

 

IME, what I may perceive to be a blow off might be anything but. The world doesn't revolve around me, right? So why should his life, particularly at the beginning?? *shrug*

 

It's not like I wait days or weeks of not hearing before I broach the subject. It's usually right on the heels of some event which triggered those blow off feelings. And if I get silence or some hemming and hawing, I can easily laugh it off. Like, okay dude. ;)

 

But I've incorrectly assumed enough times to know better than to always assume the worst. Call me an optimist in that way. Hasn't hurt me yet. :)

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