aquaria127 Posted September 1, 2003 Share Posted September 1, 2003 One of my girl friends recently told me about her list-- of ideal traits that a guy should have, before she gets serious. after hearing about her list, I was trying to make up a list, too. it includes stuff like- no abusers or addicts; literate; not too churchy; knowledgeable about local, national and world news, events; doesn't perpetuate gender roles; get along w/ family both his and mine.... but most of the other things i seem to think of seem to be kinda kooky- will make tea and/or coffee, does not eat spam, hot dogs or other processed meat; has nice feet; will play tic-tac-toe, scrabble or other games..... Is it wacky? Or is it a good idea to list, on paper or elsewhere, what you will accept in a potential mate? You'd write down what you want in a house, in a car, in a job. but, those are possessions, not a person. next, is this a typical "girl" thing to do? IDK! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 1, 2003 Share Posted September 1, 2003 Is it wacky? Hell no, I wouldn't have anything to do with a potential partner who ate spam either!!! Having been around a while, I would say that it's possible to be way too picky. After all, the guy who picks you at the same time has to like you in a lot of ways too. There have to be compromises. If you absolutely must make a lists, make two of them. One containing traits which you cannot compromise on like honesty, loyalty, hard worker, emotionally stable, good disposition, etc.,.....the other list containing traits you would like but could live with as well suc has: plays golf, plays tic tac toe, has nice feet (maybe they are just average), and I don't think you would want to pass up a great person just because they ate spam once in a while. A guy like that would be easy as hell to cook for!!! Most people have a fairly good idea of what kind of person they may be looking for. I don't think too many actually sit down and write down those traits...but it's not a bad idea as long as you keep an open mind and are able to bend a little here and there. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted September 1, 2003 Share Posted September 1, 2003 sometimes people think they know what they're looking for in a partner, but then they meet someone totally different from that, and fall for them. i believe it's not so much the individual traits that matter (aside from the basic ones like honesty, etc), but the way they combine, and whether the whole person "makes sense". 2c, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted September 1, 2003 Share Posted September 1, 2003 Aquaria, Your "list" is an excellent idea, and it is a method used by many therapists. Not only will it help you to keep things in perspective, but just think of all the money you saved on counseling!! But as Tony suggested, be firm on those things you WILL NOT compromise on, and leave yourself flexible on the less important things. ABSOLUTELY at the top of everyone's list should be "No abusers," be it chemical, physical or otherwise! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 1, 2003 Share Posted September 1, 2003 I've found that it gets more and more important to have a list of disqualifying factors. A couple of times I've found guys with pretty much everything on my 'must have' list; they also managed to add a bunch of things to my 'definitely avoid' list. Now I start checking off the second list first. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted September 1, 2003 Share Posted September 1, 2003 what's there to "definitely avoid"? abuse, addictions, dishonesty, irresponsibility (financial, emotional, etc), bad hygiene, pimps.... what else?? -yes Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 1, 2003 Share Posted September 1, 2003 I have, twice, taken up with fellows whose financial circumstances were not good. I was trying to be fair and decent and give them a chance based on their personalities - but it turned out there were reasons their financial situations were not good. Now my requirement is that they have at least two of a house, job, car. Having said that, the fellows I see are not fresh out of school. They've had ample time to get themselves set in the world. Men who are extremely insecure sometimes have other psychological conditons as well. I also think that it's important that a man have some longterm friends and/or a close and friendly family. Guys who haven't been able to make and keep guy friends may also have some issues that will hinder a healthy relationship. None of these things are absolutes but they can be warning signs. Bottom line is that you need a year, minimum, to really know someone and preferably you live with them before even thinking of marriage. A good guy will start out looking good and there'll no unpleasant secrets. Unfortunately, the not-so-great guys also start out looking good and sometimes it can take months to find out what lies beneath. Link to post Share on other sites
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