dating an Indian man

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So I've been dating my Indian boyfriend for seven months now, he's 25 and I'm 19.He's been starting to talk more and more serious lately, like he'd really like to marry me and can see us living together. I love him to death, the only thing I'm a little worried about is some of our cultural differences. He is Hindu and I'm Christian and I can never really eat meat other than chicken when I'm around him. Also, he's originally from India, but has lived here for the past 4 years, but there's still a lot of ambiguity on social occasions. I know that sounds petty, but it really does multiply when these things come up in many situations. Has anyone been in a similar situation, is it possible to overcome these differences?

[utterer of lies]

is it possible to overcome these differences?

 

Maybe. But I doubt it. That he isn't even tolerant enough to let you live according to your own beliefs ("letting" you eat any meat you like) is not a good sign.

[denise_xo]

So I've been dating my Indian boyfriend for seven months now, he's 25 and I'm 19.He's been starting to talk more and more serious lately, like he'd really like to marry me and can see us living together. I love him to death, the only thing I'm a little worried about is some of our cultural differences. He is Hindu and I'm Christian and I can never really eat meat other than chicken when I'm around him. Also, he's originally from India, but has lived here for the past 4 years, but there's still a lot of ambiguity on social occasions. I know that sounds petty, but it really does multiply when these things come up in many situations. Has anyone been in a similar situation, is it possible to overcome these differences?

 

I'm in an intercultural relationship and it's both an amazing gift and also potentially very challenging. Cultural differences can be a real strain on a relationship so I think you're wise to think it through - that's smart, not petty.

 

I think one important distinction to make is that which exists between you and him versus what is required in social settings. I don't really know what you mean when you refer to 'social occasions' above, but what I mean is that there may be things he or I do in public because it's socially required in our respective cultures, which we wouldn't transfer home to us. For example, my partner doesn't eat pork and it's not done where he comes from, but he would never tell me not to eat pork around him [conversely, I'm vegetarian but it wouldn't occur to me to tell him not to eat meat around me]. When I'm in his hometown, though, I obviously wouldn't pull out the bacon for the extended family breakfast.

 

One thing that's been extremely important too for us is that we have protected each other from social pressure to become 'like the other'. So when I am in his country, I respect local customs but I don't try to 'go native', and if anyone of his family members suggests that I should, my partner politely shuts them up. I do the same for him when we're in my country. There's a fine balance between respecting each other's differences and accommodating each other, which has to be continuously maintained.

 

Another thing to think about carefully are issues surrounding sexuality. We had very different views on what a desirable sex life was when we met, and working through those things have been quite high maintenance at times. Another issue is that my partner is extremely homophobic. This is an encultured trait as this is just 'how it is' where he comes from, but it's been extremely difficult for me and is one of the issues that has previously brought me to the brink of divorce. I don't mind so much disagreeing with him in the abstract, but in real life it has real consequences, e.g. there are people who are important in my life that he does not want to spend time with, and so on.

 

A third thing to think about is where you are going to live in the long term. Will he be happy always living in your country? If not, will you be willing to move to India for a certain period of time? Are you willing to have occasional periods of LDRs should either of you need time with friends and family in your home country?

 

IMO you're a bit young to consider marriage yet but if/when you do, I also encourage you to discuss beforehand the issue of how you want to raise your children, e.g. which country would you like them to grow up in and what religion, if any, should they be taught.

 

So, these are some things to consider. I don't mean to focus on challenges to discourage you, because I genuinely believe cultural differences can be overcome and can also be a great source of strength, but I've framed it like this based on your OP.

[tigressA]

Maybe. But I doubt it. That he isn't even tolerant enough to let you live according to your own beliefs ("letting" you eat any meat you like) is not a good sign.

 

Yeah, that isn't a good sign. Are there any other instances of intolerance/controlling behavior? Could you give an example of the social ambiguity? Your overall post is rather vague.

 

That's a pretty significant age gap you've got between the two of you. He's in his mid-twenties, which likely means he's at least somewhat established in his career, while you're not even out of your teens. Perhaps he thinks you're naive and even prefers it that way, since he could easily manipulate you.

[denise_xo]

That he isn't even tolerant enough to let you live according to your own beliefs ("letting" you eat any meat you like) is not a good sign.

 

This is also a red flag for me.

 

I forgot to mention the obvious in my previous post: gender roles. You really need to check out what that looks like in your partner, and whether what you find is compatible with your values.

 

In general, I get a sense from your post that differences are already clouding your relationship a bit too much. Can you say a bit more specifically what they are?

Edited November 4, 2010 by denise_xo