akeshabelle Posted November 3, 2010 Share Posted November 3, 2010 A few months ago a girlfriend of mine asked me if I was interested in joining her for a pole dancing fitness class. Having always heard they are a barrell of laughs with the girls and also help to get you fit, I was instantly excited and accepted. When I went home that night and told my boyfriend I was going to be taking the class he was not pleased. He turned quiet on me and when I asked him what was wrong he said he thought doing the class was sleazy, disrespectful to him and he didn't understand how it could be a fun thing and a confidence booster for a lot of women. He said that if his family were having a get together one night and I was at one of my "classes" he would be embarrassed to tell them so. He didn't SAY he didn't want me to do it, but he made me feel terribly guilty so I told my girlfriend I had changed my mind. All these months later, even though I DIDN'T take the class, he makes snide remarks (which he tries to pass off as jokes) if anything about pole dancing comes on tv. He punishes me despite the fact that I didn't even take the class, then claims he never held me back. I find this to be terribly manipulative. Guys how would you feel if your girl came to you and told you she wanted to participate in one of these classes? Is my bf just being insecure or is he right? To me it just seemed like a bit of fun with your girlfriends! He pulls this stunt all the time if he disapproves of something I want to do/wear/somewhere I want to go. Link to post Share on other sites
Sivok Posted November 3, 2010 Share Posted November 3, 2010 Pole Dancing is commonly associated with strippers, but it seems like he can hold a grudge. Link to post Share on other sites
Author akeshabelle Posted November 3, 2010 Author Share Posted November 3, 2010 I'm a woman so feel free to ignore me since you asked for the guys opinions BUT... Really? He does seem insecure, and downright disrespectful of you for wanting to try something so benign. Pole dancing IS a really good way to get in shape - and it's alot of fun to boot. I don't get it. No that's ok, I appreciate all opinions! I don’t really get it either. As Sivok pointed out, it is commonly associated with strippers and I think he has trouble separating the two. He still thinks it’s a sleazy, dirty thing. He needs to get with the times as far as I’m concerned. Yes he does have a tendency to pull this stunt. He will never TELL me what to do, but he has ways of making me feel bad about things. Link to post Share on other sites
BUENG1 Posted November 3, 2010 Share Posted November 3, 2010 No that's ok, I appreciate all opinions! I don’t really get it either. As Sivok pointed out, it is commonly associated with strippers and I think he has trouble separating the two. He still thinks it’s a sleazy, dirty thing. He needs to get with the times as far as I’m concerned. Yes he does have a tendency to pull this stunt. He will never TELL me what to do, but he has ways of making me feel bad about things. Yes I do not get it, are men even allowed in the class? Link to post Share on other sites
Author akeshabelle Posted November 3, 2010 Author Share Posted November 3, 2010 Yes I do not get it, are men even allowed in the class? I could be wrong but I’d say not! He made a “joke” that a bunch of guys will be waiting outside the studio after the class trying to pick my girlfriends and I up because they “know” what “kind” of girls frequent pole dancing classes. He’s so goddamn paranoid. :mad: Mind you, this isn’t some immature little brat, he will be 45 next month. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 3, 2010 Share Posted November 3, 2010 He didn't SAY he didn't want me to do it, but he made me feel terribly guilty so I told my girlfriend I had changed my mind. All these months later, even though I DIDN'T take the class, he makes snide remarks (which he tries to pass off as jokes) if anything about pole dancing comes on tv. He punishes me despite the fact that I didn't even take the class, then claims he never held me back. I find this to be terribly manipulative. Pole dancing isn't sexy... it's gross. If I wanted to date a stripper I would. There are many other types of dancing that actually are sexy. Maybe he isn't being snide so much as you are being over sensitive. Link to post Share on other sites
ReturnToSender Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 So even though you didnt take the class hes giving you stress over it? Well dang, may as well go take the class then! Thats how Id feel. I mean, if I didnt do something out of respect of my bfs feelings towards it, and he was harsh on me about it anyway and didnt appreciate that I took how he felt into consideration, even if I didnt agree with it, well then...off to pole dancing class I go!!! But then the odds Ill ever date a guy who didnt like the idea of me taking a class like that is pretty much slim to none. Every guy Ive dated, I can well imagine if I mentioned interest in taking a pole dancing class would probably run out and install one for me to practice on between classes...hah! Link to post Share on other sites
loverofloveandstuff Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Pole dancing isn't sexy... it's gross. If I wanted to date a stripper I would. There are many other types of dancing that actually are sexy. Maybe he isn't being snide so much as you are being over sensitive. umm.. mate, OP said NOTHING about pole dancing being sexy. Pole dancing for fitness is so good for your body and a fun way to get fit. Just like belly dancing, zumba, samba or anything else. And guess what? If it makes you feel sexy while you're doing it, then that's not such a terrible thing. UF, this is not pole dancing in a strip club, this is pole dancing in a fitness studio. Way to be judgemental. Link to post Share on other sites
shayan Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 I'd think it was hot but sleezy, and I would tell my girl go ahead if you want. Honestly I would never hold it against her, maybe only subconsicuosly and I wouldn't bring it up frequently to humiliate. So in the end yes it is kind of sleezy, but honestly who the **** cares, your character is what determines your integrity not if you take a pole dancing class. Try explaining that to him! Link to post Share on other sites
loverofloveandstuff Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 To me, it's fascinating how there is no stigma towards salsa but there is towards pole dancing for fitness. It's funny because salsa, you are grinding up against a man, pole dancing, against a pole... without any men in the room or even watching. I'm guessing it's because salsa has been around as a form of 'excercise' longer than pole dancing probably has. IMO, they are both art forms and when done with class, look beautiful. Link to post Share on other sites
ReturnToSender Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Yeah I was just about to edit my post to include that info Lover The places that offer these classes are fitness studios and the one here offers other types of classes too... Its not like pre-req to stripping Hah! It has nothing to do with stripping...no one is taking their clothes off. Aye! LoL And even so, some guys *do* find it sexy when their woman does a strip tease for them, and woudnt get annoyed and tell her to put on her clothes back on. Wow, that would be a self-esteem killer eh?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author akeshabelle Posted November 4, 2010 Author Share Posted November 4, 2010 Thanks for all the great responses, guys. Pole dancing for fitness is so good for your body and a fun way to get fit. Just like belly dancing, zumba, samba or anything else. And guess what? If it makes you feel sexy while you're doing it, then that's not such a terrible thing. That’s what I thought! Just the thought of doing it made me feel confident and sexy and wonderful!!! Why he wouldn’t want me to feel that, I don’t know.. He has a very closed mind when it comes to things like this. We got into a debate recently when he said he couldn’t understand why a group of women would dress up and go out dancing unless it was to pick up men. Clearly he has never heard of a “girls only” night out. I told him this may come as a SHOCK, but sometimes women do things – wait for it – for themselves. It’s not always about men, believe it or not. Link to post Share on other sites
ReturnToSender Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 You know askebelle, if it wasnt for my best friends bf Id be blown away, but Ive kinda gotten used to it through him. Hes very specific about how he expects her to act, dress, behave when hes around or not around. And weve gotten into some serious blowout arguments because of it. She has come to understand and compromise (which basically means dont do anything he finds inappropriate) and shes okay with that. Theyve been together a few years now, and she no longer does girls nites out, or goes dancing to latin music (for the exact reasons Lover stated!!) and cant wear certain clothes, even shoes, if her bf is not with her. And shes okay with that. I had a HARD time understanding that..and still do. But yannow what...thats just how some people are and there really is no compromise except to just not do it, and also not even bring up something you think they may not like cause yeah, he will make her feel bad for even suggesting something he doesnt like the sound of. If thats the way the relationship is, and then well..thats just it. Im not that kind of girl though, and I couldnt be with that kind of guy. Wed drive each other up the wall....!!! Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Sounds like your BF has a pole up his butt, actually. I don't see a problem with it. Sure, strippers do it, but so what? Strippers also take their clothes off. So do most women. My GF is probably taking one of these classes in the near future. I have no issues with it. In fact, I think it's kind of cool. It's a bit intellectually dishonest to claim that it's completely non-sexual and just for exercise. It IS sexual, at least in part. But again... so what? Your pole-up-his-butt BF should be happy.... after all, you'll come home to him having learned some new moves, and HE'LL be the beneficiary of that. Tell him to get with the times, stop being a whiny little b!tch about it, and stop trying to make you feel bad about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author akeshabelle Posted November 4, 2010 Author Share Posted November 4, 2010 You know askebelle, if it wasnt for my best friends bf Id be blown away, but Ive kinda gotten used to it through him. Hes very specific about how he expects her to act, dress, behave when hes around or not around. And weve gotten into some serious blowout arguments because of it. She has come to understand and compromise (which basically means dont do anything he finds inappropriate) and shes okay with that. I suppose that’s where we differ. I am NOT ok with it. I have been with him for 6.5 years and never asked him not to do/have anything. Not once. He has mountains of porn including hundreds of photos and videos on his mobile phone, but as uncomfortable as that makes me he is a grown man and is allowed to do whatever the hell he wants. I have nothing against porn, I just don’t understand why he needs as much as he has. He often makes me feel like a child being chastised by her father. A few months ago we had another couple stay at our house and the female of the couple and I were on Facebook, just joking and mucking around and he got mad with me. Told me I was being rude and antisocial even though I was having the fun with one of our guests, who was also having a great time. I don’t get him sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Sure, no worries; I'll install one in the spare bedroom so you can practice at home too. I'll put it right next to the sybian Link to post Share on other sites
ReturnToSender Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 wow man..yeah sounds like my best friends bf for sure.. He and I got into a blow out argument once because she and I were talking and laughng about something or another, and he felt it was disrespectful to see two grown women talking and laughing like school girls. I told him, well weve known each other since we were 12...we've been talking and laughing together since we really were school girls! He. Blew. Up. That one thing led to me on a 4 hour drive back home in the middle of the night, in tears, on the phone with my bf who wanted to come out there and kill the guy over some disrespectful things he said to me. Oh boy... Now that your guy is stashing a porn collection, he obviously doesnt find the whole display of sexuality thing gross...just that *you* cant do this thing that has nothing to do with any men around, or anything to do with being in a sexual situation with anyone. I dont know...totally your call. This for me would be a deal-breaker, but youve been with him so long. Is this new for him, or has he always been likie this and only now is it really bothering you? Link to post Share on other sites
ReturnToSender Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Sure, no worries; I'll install one in the spare bedroom so you can practice at home too. I'll put it right next to the sybian Yup, thats pretty much along the lines of what Id expect to hear from any guy Id be with Link to post Share on other sites
Author akeshabelle Posted November 4, 2010 Author Share Posted November 4, 2010 I want to make one thing clear – I am not for one moment saying he is not allowed to voice his opinion. I would rather him be honest with me than not, then throw something I didn’t even KNOW he had a problem with, in my face later down the track. It is the constant punishment that bothers me the most. I respected his wishes and didn’t take the class, it should have been left at that, but he couldn’t help but make remarks. He just couldn’t keep his mouth shut. THAT is the problem I have. Link to post Share on other sites
loverofloveandstuff Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Akeshabelle - have you tried speaking to him about it? He sounds like he's being very unreasonable but he might not realise he's doing something wrong. He might actually think it's funny joking about it. Link to post Share on other sites
ReturnToSender Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 I want to make one thing clear – I am not for one moment saying he is not allowed to voice his opinion. I would rather him be honest with me than not, then throw something I didn’t even KNOW he had a problem with, in my face later down the track. It is the constant punishment that bothers me the most. I respected his wishes and didn’t take the class, it should have been left at that, but he couldn’t help but make remarks. He just couldn’t keep his mouth shut. THAT is the problem I have. Yeah I dont think anyone disagrees with it that he can voice his opinion... But you should be just as free to be able to bring something up to him without feeling bad for saying anything. Like I said, if he didnt appreciate that I took his feelings into consideration and didnt do something I wanted to because I cared what he thought, and was making me feel bad for it anyway... then to heck with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author akeshabelle Posted November 4, 2010 Author Share Posted November 4, 2010 wow man..yeah sounds like my best friends bf for sure.. He and I got into a blow out argument once because she and I were talking and laughng about something or another, and he felt it was disrespectful to see two grown women talking and laughing like school girls. I told him, well weve known each other since we were 12...we've been talking and laughing together since we really were school girls! He. Blew. Up. That one thing led to me on a 4 hour drive back home in the middle of the night, in tears, on the phone with my bf who wanted to come out there and kill the guy over some disrespectful things he said to me. Oh boy... Now that your guy is stashing a porn collection, he obviously doesnt find the whole display of sexuality thing gross...just that *you* cant do this thing that has nothing to do with any men around, or anything to do with being in a sexual situation with anyone. I dont know...totally your call. This for me would be a deal-breaker, but youve been with him so long. Is this new for him, or has he always been likie this and only now is it really bothering you? Wow this person sounds horrible, I’m so sorry he treated you that way. Yeah that’s exactly what it’s like. He has no problem looking at women in short skirts or see through blouses, but if I dress like that he gives me this… look that only I know. He doesn’t NEED to say anything. I guess he has always been like this, but I was SO young and naïve when we started dating (there are 17 years between us, I’m 28 now, he’s 45 next month) that I just assumed he was right. Oh sweetie, this sounds all too familiar. And, it borders on emotional abuse, really. I know… Link to post Share on other sites
Author akeshabelle Posted November 4, 2010 Author Share Posted November 4, 2010 Akeshabelle - have you tried speaking to him about it? He sounds like he's being very unreasonable but he might not realise he's doing something wrong. He might actually think it's funny joking about it. I have tried speaking to him about it, but it just seems to make things worse. If he is “joking” about something and I get all serious and tell him I don’t like it, then I am the bad guy. The party pooper. The spoil sport. He tells me I must be due for my period. He can’t accept that he has done anything wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
ReturnToSender Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 I guess he has always been like this, but I was SO young and naïve when we started dating (there are 17 years between us, I’m 28 now, he’s 45 next month) that I just assumed he was right. I know… yeah, thats not right at all. You have as much a right to your thoughts and feelings about things as he does to his. Its not about doing everything the way one person wants it all the time....thats not compromise. If he cant even hear you out without making you feel bad, then how are you supposed to feel comfortable or open enough to talk to him about anything at all? I have my naive moments, but I still feel like my man should be the person I can trust and be comfortable and open with, who we feel safe expressing our thoughts and feelings about whatever it may be with each other. Yeah great if we could agree on everything all day every day, but its more like...theres compromise and you bend and flow to make each other happy. I really dont know what more to say...cause I still feel so overprotective over my best friend, and I have to keep repeating it to myself like a mantra that shes okay with things like they are...otherwise Ill drive myself crazy and I really hate thinking about it, cause I dont see the fairness in it at all. Link to post Share on other sites
PratyekaYana Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 It is the constant punishment that bothers me the most. I respected his wishes and didn’t take the class, it should have been left at that, but he couldn’t help but make remarks. He just couldn’t keep his mouth shut. THAT is the problem I have. He's punishing you because he's afraid. When you brought the pole dancing class to his attention, you almost broke the barrier that he mentally has in place between the kind of woman that he accepts as a suitable partner and the other kind of woman that he rejects--a distinction based in antiquated notions of sexuality and how it should be expressed. His punishment is reinforcement meant to keep you from ever considering such a transformation again and a way for him to vent his frustration that you even considered it in the first place! There's nothing wrong with a pole dancing class. Even if you had some issue with strippers, the pole dancing class itself is far removed from the profession considering you aren't paid for your "performance," and men/patrons are not allowed into the instruction room (if FlirtyGirl Fitness is any indication). This guy is unbelievable. Link to post Share on other sites
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