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My boyfriend is a workaholic


Kloor

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I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. He can be incredibly sweet, caring and generous and has been there for me whenever I have needed help. But he is a workaholic (works almost 24/7, no concept of a weekend) and it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to spend quality time with him. I know for a fact he is working and not doing other things. In fact, he really likes it when I visit/hang out at his office.

 

I have voiced my concern several times to him and he has suggested that I accompany him when he does non-work things he has to do anyway, like go to the gym or cook, or to even do my school work (I'm in grad school) at his office so we can physically be together even though it's not what I consider Q.T. as he is often rushed/stressed doing these things.

 

But this is pretty much the only one-on-one time I get with him. When he occasionally has time to go out to dinner or do social things, he wants to invite other friends along because he barely gets to see them either. In his mind, he's getting to see all his favorite people at once.

 

But it's not enough for me. We've also stopped having sleepovers for the past few months because it's not convenient for him.

 

I really love him but this is making me unhappy. He's promised it's going to get better but it's just getting worst. I admire his ambition and his work, it's one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place, but now its hurting me.

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Have a calm discussion with him and tell him you're unhappy, why you're unhappy and what you propose to balance this unbalanced relationship. Up to him what he chooses.

 

Ambition and work are cruel masters. Unless you're willing to become his business partner and work side by side, it could be many years before you'll see a significant part of him.

 

In the meantime, cultivate other avenues of enjoyment. Solidify other friendships. Live a full life. He can be as significant in that life as he chooses to be.

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You knew how he was when you first started dating him. Good for him for having a career. His job in life should not be to make you happy. He is most likely a successful guy it sounds like. It's selfish of you to try and get him to change his work habits. Just leave and date someone who has more freetime.

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He honestly does sound like he is a great guy and doing his best. The fact that he invites you to his office to do your school work, or doing activities together does prove he wants to be with you as much as possible.

 

Also, the fact that he is a workaholic would only benefit you if he is successful and you guys build a life together.

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I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. He can be incredibly sweet, caring and generous and has been there for me whenever I have needed help. But he is a workaholic (works almost 24/7, no concept of a weekend) and it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to spend quality time with him. I know for a fact he is working and not doing other things. In fact, he really likes it when I visit/hang out at his office.

 

I have voiced my concern several times to him and he has suggested that I accompany him when he does non-work things he has to do anyway, like go to the gym or cook, or to even do my school work (I'm in grad school) at his office so we can physically be together even though it's not what I consider Q.T. as he is often rushed/stressed doing these things.

 

But this is pretty much the only one-on-one time I get with him. When he occasionally has time to go out to dinner or do social things, he wants to invite other friends along because he barely gets to see them either. In his mind, he's getting to see all his favorite people at once.

 

But it's not enough for me. We've also stopped having sleepovers for the past few months because it's not convenient for him.

 

I really love him but this is making me unhappy. He's promised it's going to get better but it's just getting worst. I admire his ambition and his work, it's one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place, but now its hurting me.

 

Hi Kloor, my partner and I are a copy of you, except that I'm the workaholic. While my partner is being extremely patient with me, I actually think he is giving me more than I deserve on this issue and I would encourage you to discuss it openly with your partner and try to establish some healthier boundaries for your relationship.

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I used to be like this, than one day you wake up and ask yourself why are you doing this and your life is passing you by.

 

When people are like this it is impossible to have a relationship with them because their job comes first and you come second. Always will unless he changes it himself. It sucks but thats the way it is.

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You knew how he was when you first started dating him. Good for him for having a career. His job in life should not be to make you happy. He is most likely a successful guy it sounds like. It's selfish of you to try and get him to change his work habits. Just leave and date someone who has more freetime.

 

Uh, no. I completely disagree that in order to be successful, one needs to be so busy that he does not even have time to sleep with his gf for MONTHS, or spend any date time with her at all without friends tagging along. What sort of relationship is that?

 

I won't lie, I have a busy guy myself. Understaffed hospitals just tend to do that to ambitious young trainee doctors. I know his career comes first, I've had my share of qualms about it. But this week is probably the busiest week he's had in 5 months, and we still managed some quality time together. If it ever came to the situation in the OP, I would hope that I had the strength to leave.

 

OP, I would certainly have a serious discussion with him. Not in terms of 'You do this or I'll leave', but 'I really just can't go on like this'. See what compromises, if any, he is willing to give. You both give it your best shot to work at the compromise, and make your decisions based on how it turns out.

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what do you expect?... you're just some girlfriend. You're not his wife. He's not showing a "wife-like" priority and respect for you because he's not your husband. If he really loved you he'd bring "just you" out to dinner. Or he'd spend time with "just you" instead of going to the gym. He's worn you like an old shoe for a while because you let him. You need to stop chasing him. Stop calling him. Let him chase you back.

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I've seen the toll workaholism takes on long marriages. Not pretty. Unless the woman is beholden to the wealth or has cultivated a separate life, it can be a recipe for an unsatisfying life. In my generation, generally, workaholics are men. With younger folks, it's more equal opportunity. No panacea. Takes two partners on the same wavelength to make it work well. Don't know if the OP is on-board for that or not.

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make me believe

Kloor, if you knew this when you started dating him (which it sounds like you did since you say his ambition & work ethic attracted you to him) then you can't really complain about it or expect him to change. He is who he is. You can either accept that or not. If not, move on and find somebody more compatible. Somebody who works that much would not be suitable for me, so I would never start dating them in the first place. For some reason you chose to begin a relationship with him regardless of his workaholic tendancies, so do you really think it's fair for you to expect him to change now?

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I'm in a new relationship with a guy that is also a workaholic. I'm not sure what to do. I'm definitely tired of always being an afterthought to his job, but every once in a while he pays attention to me and it's great. How is the physical intimacy in your relationship? I think I need more physical intimacy (not just sex - touching, cuddling, hugging as well) than I thought, and now I'm finding out that he is unable to meet that need. If that's the case... dealbreaker, right?

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I mostly look at it this way:

 

If he was like this when you met him and started dating him, then you have to accept it.

 

If he wasn't like this, then he needs to learn balance. I live a busy life too...but I sacrifice other things to make time for my GF. That means I don't hit the gym as often, and I'm not doing anything DJ-related. Even our vacation photos are not done yet, and probably won't until January even.

 

It's a bad economy, and what I've learned in the last few downturns is that those who have jobs have to sacrifice personal life. That means work more, not see loved ones, etc. WHY? Because there are plenty of pink-slipped people who will gladly give their family and friends the middle finger and work 16 hours a day just to have a job.

 

My point to that is if he's working like crazy to become more layoff-proof, and possibly become a good provider for you and maybe a family in the future, then deal with it to a degree. If he's just using work as a means to avoid life, then this isn't going to go well.

 

It's funny (and this is not directed at you)...I see plenty of women who want ambition, success, etc. in a man, but those men see RLs and especially marriage as obstacles and liabilities on their lives. They prefer occasional flings and remaining single. Be it for the idea of protecting assets from divorce or just not having the girl nag him that he works too much.

 

Kind of a terrible irony when successful men avoid RLs and yet women want successful men.

 

REGARDLESS...any man who wants to be serious about a RL needs to learn balance. If your life is too busy to date, then don't. Pay for a hooker at that point.

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My ex was like that. Good luck! He's an ex for a reason :rolleyes: I'm much happier with my current boyfriend who has less money and is much more focused on family.

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Uh, no. I completely disagree that in order to be successful, one needs to be so busy that he does not even have time to sleep with his gf for MONTHS, or spend any date time with her at all without friends tagging along. What sort of relationship is that?

 

I won't lie, I have a busy guy myself. Understaffed hospitals just tend to do that to ambitious young trainee doctors. I know his career comes first, I've had my share of qualms about it. But this week is probably the busiest week he's had in 5 months, and we still managed some quality time together. If it ever came to the situation in the OP, I would hope that I had the strength to leave.

 

OP, I would certainly have a serious discussion with him. Not in terms of 'You do this or I'll leave', but 'I really just can't go on like this'. See what compromises, if any, he is willing to give. You both give it your best shot to work at the compromise, and make your decisions based on how it turns out.

 

I've been expressing my feelings for a year, and though he might change his behavior for a couple of weeks he always ends up going back to his usual ways. He wasn't always as extreme as this, it got bad in the last year. I have told him "it can't go on like this" and he keeps promising that it will get better but it has just gotten worst. He says things like "you keep asking for more and more of me" and when I ask him if we can go out alone instead of his friends he accuses me of trying to keep him from his friends, which isn't the case at all. In a month, maybe I get five hours of quality time with him, but I always get the sense he wants to be calling his friends to hang out too but doesn't want to make me mad. I've tried breaking up with him twice and he's begged me to stay together so I don't understand why he treats me like this if he doesn't want to break up?

 

Also, he is NOT supporting me financially in anyway and he doesn't have to work half as much for the money--he takes on extra projects because he wants to be well-recognized in his field.

 

I think mostly I'm tired of being the one asking for time alone together. It makes me feel like crap and a needy b****. But why won't he break up with me if I've given him several outs? And is he doing this because he doesn't love me enough or because that's just who he is?

 

Thanks for your help, everyone.

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make me believe
But why won't he break up with me if I've given him several outs?

 

Because he likes the convenience of having you around when he decides to take a break from work. Also, he doesn't have the time to go out & find a new girl, especially one who will put up with all of this BS. It's much easier to keep you around with promises that he never intends to keep. Sorry but I don't see much of a future here if he is THIS unwilling to spend quality time with you.

 

You don't need to give HIM an out. You just need to end it if you're not happy, and stick with your decision. Obviously his promises that things will change haven't held up in the past, so why should his crying and boohoo-ing mean anything now? You are simply not a priority to him. Work comes first and probably always will. Do you want to settle for having to beg your BF for five hours of alone time a month??

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