Kelebek Posted August 25, 2003 Share Posted August 25, 2003 Hi everyone, just found this site and it looks brilliant. This is my first post so bear with me. I met one of the most amazing guys I've ever known just a few months ago. We went out a few times, but he broke it off because he's not ready for a relationship yet, he had only broken up with his ex (of 2 years, mutual breakup, still good friends) a few months before we started talking. I took it with a "Fair enough" attitude and got on with my life, met a few more guys etc! But then, at a party a few weeks ago, he made it extremely obvious that he still liked me. I tried to restrain myself but couldn't....lol and we kind of got back together. I say KIND of because this time it's so casual it's almost non-existent. When we're together it's wonderful, I'm so happy and we have the MOST fun, but when we're apart we barely speak. He texts me and I see him quite a lot, but I'm so frightened of scaring him off again as my feelings have developed past the stage of walking away again unscathed, so this time I'm playing it really cool, and I have to admit, it seems to be working. But it means I don't contact him as much as I'd like, I can't act couply around him like I want to, and I can't call him my boyfriend. Sometimes I think I should just be happy with what I've got, appreciate it as I really like this guy - it feels different. But then other times I think I'm making things far too easy on him, while exhausting myself as I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time, trying to "keep" him by playing cool!!! We slept together two weeks ago, I've seen him since and it was great, no awkwardness etc, just perfect, as always. But he has me RIGHT where he wants me now, and as one of my friends pointed out, why would you buy something you have on indefinite loan??? I don't even know what I'm waffling on for - thank you so much to anyone who takes the time to read this, I'm so sorry to bore everyone!!! I guess I just wanted to know if anyone has been through this situation, i.e worried that it'll go nowhere, I'll end up with a broken heart, he'll get back with his ex, etc etc. Am I just setting myself up for a fall? Is there a point where I stop giving him what he wants and demand what I want...........a proper relationship, which I KNOW would scare him off right now. Looks like I lose out every time. I like this guy so much, we have so much fun, so there's no way I can walk away this time. Has anyone been through ANYTHING similar? Sorry I don't seem clear on what I'm asking here, I think I maybe just needed to vent. You all seem like good listeners on here, I look forward to returning the favour soon!! x x x x x Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted August 26, 2003 Share Posted August 26, 2003 You are in a very tough place right now, especially after sleeping with him before exclusivity. In my opinion, you should not sleep with him anymore, not to play games, but to protect your heart. (Sex always makes those emotions so much more difficult to deal with.) Sex will not make him want to have a relationship with you any faster. Okay, so he knows he's got you where he wants you. So now you need to rock the boat. Stop seeing him so often. Don't always be there when he texts. (I assume you are a busy girl with lots of things going on?) Don't make it so easy for him. You show him through your actions what you will and will not accept. By allowing this casualness to continue and then "rewarding" (LOL) him with sex, you have shown him that you will settle for less. Stop this right now! You don't want less, so why settle for it? If continue as is, you may indeed be setting yourself up for a fall, especially since your relationship with him is currently undefined. Who knows what he is thinking? So, get busy, date other men if you want, and stop sleeping with him. In short, be the proverbial challenge. (I know it's hard...but I have faith in you.) Link to post Share on other sites
Romanrose Posted August 26, 2003 Share Posted August 26, 2003 Your not only setting yourself for heartache but, your setting him up as well. Typically with these sort of situations there is something in this person from your past, that is unresolved. Either something that u used to be. Or someone in your life, that your still trying to figure out subconciously. Either way there is no need to torment yourself with these issuies. If you feel u need him, which it sounds like. You have begun your self distructive downward path that will have no postive out come wether it be now or later in life. Find your own inner peice and be thankful that you have the chance to open your eyes to a weakness. Somethings, people, never change and you don't have the power make the perfect life. Although you do have freewill. Being that you choose what and who is important and worth your while, to make the most of this life that you have been blessed with. The only suggestion that I can give is to speek your mind. After all if your not doing that, pretending to be someone else. Your just the same as he is. In that he cannot tell you his true feeling player or actual feelings, it be nice to know?Wouldn't it? If he decides to poceed in another direction, one less problem you have to deal with and at least you tried. Don't punish your self because of someone else. Be prepared though things don't always go as planned. Either way there is still life to live and learn. Make the most and glide over the speed bumps with ease. Be true to the one person who is garenteed to be there till the end. Yourself!!!!!!!! Love those who apperciate the true you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelebek Posted August 26, 2003 Author Share Posted August 26, 2003 I cannot thank you two enough, you really have given me the most brilliant advice, you have both helped me so much!!! Clia - you are SO right, I will definitely follow your advice! No more sex for him lol. I think you've given me the best advice I've had since I began this whole thing! You both knew exactly what to say to help me clear my head. You're right, I am busy and having fun, so I don't need to be as available. I now realise that I am doing what you said Clia, and letting him think he can get away with anything. I'm not usually like that, and I don't like it! It's not fair on me, and I'm not going to settle for it......it's just sometimes I'm not as strong as I feel now! Just wish I could stop my feelings from growing any stronger.....ARGH!!! I wish our relationship was defined! Romanrose, I know now that I really should be true to myself!! Thank you! Think I MIGHT be seeing him tomorrow, as we have the same crowd of friends, but I will try to remain aloof and strong, wish me luck!! Maybe I'll just go out with other friends, who knows. Thank you again, you've helped me more than you know. This site is a godsend!!!!! Love Jill xxxxx Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted August 26, 2003 Share Posted August 26, 2003 Think I MIGHT be seeing him tomorrow, as we have the same crowd of friends, but I will try to remain aloof and strong, wish me luck!! Maybe I'll just go out with other friends, who knows. I think you should show up for say, an hour, to make your appearance, and then leave to meet up with your other friends. Make plans you cannot get out of and cannot break. So show up, look cute, say hello to everyone, and then after an hour leave. That usually makes a statement! If you do decide to go out with him and his friends, do you have a close friend who can be your "wingman," who will insist that you two leave if you start to cave? (Because as you know, once you get around him it will be hard to remain aloof, especially if there are drinks involved.) Good luck and STAY STRONG! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelebek Posted August 27, 2003 Author Share Posted August 27, 2003 God Clia I can't thank you enough!! I'm going to print out your advice, lol, and read it whenever I weaken!! Turns out I'm feeling a bit ill,so that's my reason for not going out tonight, but I didn't tell him that, I just said I wasn't going out. HE text ME aswell woohoo! I'm just so scared I play it so cool that he thinks I'm not interested anymore whereas in actual fact I absolutely adore him. I hate having to play these games, but it looks like I have no option! Next time we all go out though, I will definitely bear your idea in mind (that of a wingman!) as after a few drinks, you're right, I would cave. Thanks again Clia, you really have been a star Love Jill xxxx Link to post Share on other sites
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