enufdrama Posted October 8, 2010 Share Posted October 8, 2010 my boyfriend and i have had alot of issues with trust in the last 2 years. he has lied to me extensively in the past, but swears that he won't anymore. I hadn't caught him in any lies in the past year and it appears has been more honest. but a couple days ago, i was digging in the files inside the computer and i found a couple porn sites. my boyfriend had always told me he never liked porn, i openly did at that time, but he said he didn't get into it. so i have evolved and no longer see that porn has a place in a relationship. so my first thought when i found this, was that my teenage daughter was viewing these, well i was upset with her. just to be sure i asked my BF if it was him, he said no. the next morning he called me and said he had remembered that many months ago he did view porn on my computer. he doesn't remember exactly how long ago, but it was a long time ago, but can't remember exactly, guessing about 6 months ago. i asked him how many times, he said about 3 or 4 and he said he looked at the sites because he was mad that I had accused him of liking porn and denying it. i think his excuse is stupid and lame. i feel like he thinks i am stupid enough to buy that excuse. the other thing is one of the sites i found was teen porn, he says that was not him, but how can i believe him when his excuse is obviously a lie. that teen porn site was viewed recently and i am pretty sure that it was my teen due to the date and time it was viewed, but i cant be for sure. does his excuse make sense to anyone? viewed porn because i unjustly was accusing him? that sounds stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted October 8, 2010 Share Posted October 8, 2010 How old are you and your BF? Why do you even care if he looks at porn? Link to post Share on other sites
Author enufdrama Posted October 8, 2010 Author Share Posted October 8, 2010 How old are you and your BF? Why do you even care if he looks at porn? first reason is has always denied interest completely in porn, when i was trying to introduce it into our relationship. he actually wouldn't even look at the video on the screen. said it disturbed him. my ex and i watched porn together, so this was different. 2nd problem is his lame excuse, blaming me making him mad for why he looked at porn. he's not only a liar but a bad one. it would be much easier to say, "yes, i did, sometimes i do like to look at porn, is this a problem for you." then we could deal with that. but NOOOO. he continues to deny liking it, even after he admitted it. third problem is i am concerned if he is viewing teen porn, i have a teenage daughter, this is a deal breaker. of course he said he never looked at such a thing Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted October 8, 2010 Share Posted October 8, 2010 I think in the opinion of most men, porn is no big deal in a relationship. In fact, it's not part of the relationship at all. To alot of women, perhaps most, porn IS a big deal in a relationship, close enough to a betrayal to hurt. Tough to find common ground on this one. Seems to me that it's okay for porn to be a dealbreaker, for either the man ("I'm not going to deal with your overreaction") or the woman ("I'm not going to put up with you rubbing one off to other women"). What both genders should be able to agree on is that lying is a big problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author enufdrama Posted October 8, 2010 Author Share Posted October 8, 2010 How old are you and your BF? Why do you even care if he looks at porn? i am 35 and he is 36. first off, viewing porn on a computer that my kids use, is irresponsible. second, he wasn't working at the time, hardly has, so if he was that bored, get a job! to me, this is cut and dry. can't deal with the porn issue because according to him, he doesn't like it. no, i don't want porn in my life now. it helped destroy my marriage in the past. my ex used porn instead of having a relationship with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Knittress Posted October 8, 2010 Share Posted October 8, 2010 You sound really controlling, to be honest. But in any case, you don't seem to think much of him - why are you together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author enufdrama Posted October 8, 2010 Author Share Posted October 8, 2010 I think in the opinion of most men, porn is no big deal in a relationship. In fact, it's not part of the relationship at all. To alot of women, perhaps most, porn IS a big deal in a relationship, close enough to a betrayal to hurt. Tough to find common ground on this one. Seems to me that it's okay for porn to be a dealbreaker, for either the man ("I'm not going to deal with your overreaction") or the woman ("I'm not going to put up with you rubbing one off to other women"). What both genders should be able to agree on is that lying is a big problem. i totally agree gorilla. i think his excuse is lame. between that and his manipulation about how he views things just to keep me from doing things that are ok for him and not for me is just ridiculous and childish. he gets aggravated if i see man's butt on a movie! he also said he doesn't like for me to "take care of things myself". he said that's his job. but i know he does, i have seen the evidence. Link to post Share on other sites
lizzibeth Posted October 8, 2010 Share Posted October 8, 2010 I don't think that porn is bad for a relationship. I think it can add a lil flavor sometimes. I do understand that if there is an addicition to porn it can ruin a relationship. The only part that I would be upset with is that it's on a shared household computer where children could potentially watch it. I'm tech-retarded but I know my computer is set up where I have my own login to get to windows and my son has his own. Can you do something like that on your computer to ensure that your children cannot access it? Link to post Share on other sites
BobSacamento Posted October 8, 2010 Share Posted October 8, 2010 Hey Columbo, Get a hobby. Link to post Share on other sites
Author enufdrama Posted October 8, 2010 Author Share Posted October 8, 2010 You sound really controlling, to be honest. But in any case, you don't seem to think much of him - why are you together? knittress, i am not controlling. there are boundaries. and i think his excuse is a lie. i think he likes porn but denies it. no one views porn because they are mad at their girlfriend. grow up. admit that you enjoy it. his firm stance since the beginning that he doesn't like porn and i find he has searched it out several times, lying is my problem. and yes, now i do not want porn in my life. any man that needs porn instead of something warm has got issues. would this alone be a deal breaker, no. but its something that needs to be figured out where it stands in the relationship. but i can't do that because he keeps telling me he doesn't like it. Link to post Share on other sites
BobSacamento Posted October 8, 2010 Share Posted October 8, 2010 knittress, i am not controlling. there are boundaries. and i think his excuse is a lie. i think he likes porn but denies it. no one views porn because they are mad at their girlfriend. grow up. admit that you enjoy it. his firm stance since the beginning that he doesn't like porn and i find he has searched it out several times, lying is my problem. and yes, now i do not want porn in my life. any man that needs porn instead of something warm has got issues. would this alone be a deal breaker, no. but its something that needs to be figured out where it stands in the relationship. but i can't do that because he keeps telling me he doesn't like it. Would you rather have him go out and get a hooker? Link to post Share on other sites
Author enufdrama Posted October 8, 2010 Author Share Posted October 8, 2010 Would you rather have him go out and get a hooker? I would rather him be honest about who he is and where he stands. i can deal with honesty, i can't deal with fake. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 8, 2010 Share Posted October 8, 2010 my boyfriend and i have had alot of issues with trust in the last 2 years. he has lied to me extensively in the past, but swears that he won't anymore. I hadn't caught him in any lies in the past year and it appears has been more honest. but a couple days ago, i was digging in the files inside the computer and i found a couple porn sites. my boyfriend had always told me he never liked porn, i openly did at that time, but he said he didn't get into it. so i have evolved and no longer see that porn has a place in a relationship. so my first thought when i found this, was that my teenage daughter was viewing these, well i was upset with her. just to be sure i asked my BF if it was him, he said no. the next morning he called me and said he had remembered that many months ago he did view porn on my computer. he doesn't remember exactly how long ago, but it was a long time ago, but can't remember exactly, guessing about 6 months ago. i asked him how many times, he said about 3 or 4 and he said he looked at the sites because he was mad that I had accused him of liking porn and denying it. i think his excuse is stupid and lame. i feel like he thinks i am stupid enough to buy that excuse. the other thing is one of the sites i found was teen porn, he says that was not him, but how can i believe him when his excuse is obviously a lie. that teen porn site was viewed recently and i am pretty sure that it was my teen due to the date and time it was viewed, but i cant be for sure. does his excuse make sense to anyone? viewed porn because i unjustly was accusing him? that sounds stupid. It sounds like he was lying because your a control freak. Kudos to him for being honest in the face of your behavior. The guy doesn't need an excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
BobSacamento Posted October 8, 2010 Share Posted October 8, 2010 I would rather him be honest about who he is and where he stands. i can deal with honesty, i can't deal with fake. Don't you think that violates his privacy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author enufdrama Posted October 8, 2010 Author Share Posted October 8, 2010 Don't you think that violates his privacy? no, it does not. he doesn't want me watching porn or masterbating. why is it ok for him? Link to post Share on other sites
BobSacamento Posted October 8, 2010 Share Posted October 8, 2010 no, it does not. he doesn't want me watching porn or masterbating. why is it ok for him? So you allow him to tell you what to do with your own body? Link to post Share on other sites
Author enufdrama Posted October 8, 2010 Author Share Posted October 8, 2010 Don't you think that violates his privacy? and if he wants privacy, he can get his own computer. don't use my computer that MY KIDS use. you people are so missing the point. my ex and i had an open relationship about porn. he liked it, i joined him. my question is his excuse. is it even remotely possible, that he looked at porn because he was mad at me to accusing him of liking it and denying it. its like he can't even be honest with himself.i accused him after i found out he was in MY porn box. why would he just shut me out of this, when i have been open about it. but that's how he has been he wants me to think he is better than other men, he says that other men that watch porn are sick Link to post Share on other sites
BobSacamento Posted October 8, 2010 Share Posted October 8, 2010 and if he wants privacy, he can get his own computer. don't use my computer that MY KIDS use. you people are so missing the point. my ex and i had an open relationship about porn. he liked it, i joined him. my question is his excuse. is it even remotely possible, that he looked at porn because he was mad at me to accusing him of liking it and denying it. its like he can't even be honest with himself.i accused him after i found out he was in MY porn box. why would he just shut me out of this, when i have been open about it. but that's how he has been he wants me to think he is better than other men, he says that other men that watch porn are sick Personally I wouldn't do that. That is pretty creepy. Dump him because he's a creeper not because he watches porn....and no they do not go hand in hand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author enufdrama Posted October 8, 2010 Author Share Posted October 8, 2010 It sounds like he was lying because your a control freak. Kudos to him for being honest in the face of your behavior. The guy doesn't need an excuse. no, he's lying because he is hiding who he truly is. and yes, he does need an excuse, don't stand on your soap box and tell me that you think porn is nasty, then i find out you are doing it, then you can't even admit that you like it. its insane. but that's how he is, he will admit something, but to soften the blow he tries to make it better with a white lie. this only add salt to injury. i have enjoyed porn, yes. i am not ashamed to admit this to him. why is he not wanting to admit it to me? But he also doesn't want me seeing a naked butt on tv. Link to post Share on other sites
Author enufdrama Posted October 8, 2010 Author Share Posted October 8, 2010 Personally I wouldn't do that. That is pretty creepy. Dump him because he's a creeper not because he watches porn....and no they do not go hand in hand. a creeper? Link to post Share on other sites
lizzibeth Posted October 8, 2010 Share Posted October 8, 2010 He doesn't want you to masturbate? What planet is he from? Sounds to me like there are some issues on both sides that need addressed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author enufdrama Posted October 8, 2010 Author Share Posted October 8, 2010 So you allow him to tell you what to do with your own body? no, i don't. but i understand this is how he feels. doesn't mean i am going to do what he wants, but i am not going to lie to him and entertain games because that only leads to more problems. when i feel that he is crossing personal boundaries i tell him so. but he would rather me think he is different than other men. he's always prided himself on being "different". saying most men will sleep with a snake if it sat still long enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author enufdrama Posted October 8, 2010 Author Share Posted October 8, 2010 He doesn't want you to masturbate? What planet is he from? Sounds to me like there are some issues on both sides that need addressed. no he doesn't. but i don't entertain the idea to him that i won't. that's just giving him more control. i just don't understand why he would deny liking it. its should be nothing to hide, so why hide it. Link to post Share on other sites
lizzibeth Posted October 8, 2010 Share Posted October 8, 2010 To address what I think you're saying is your problem, I would agree that lying about it was the wrong thing to do. Does he habitually lie about other things or is this an isolated incident? Perhaps he knows about your hard line on pornography and felt trapped into lying? I'm not condoning the act, only giving an explanation for it. However, just from your few posts it sounds like you're looking for reasons to be confrontational with him because you resent him being unemployed Link to post Share on other sites
Author enufdrama Posted October 8, 2010 Author Share Posted October 8, 2010 To address what I think you're saying is your problem, I would agree that lying about it was the wrong thing to do. Does he habitually lie about other things or is this an isolated incident? Perhaps he knows about your hard line on pornography and felt trapped into lying? I'm not condoning the act, only giving an explanation for it. However, just from your few posts it sounds like you're looking for reasons to be confrontational with him because you resent him being unemployed yes, i think he may be a habitual liar. he has lied to so much about his past, that it can make your head spin. he never told me about a first marriage. he lied to me about very stupid things and big things. we split but he came back promising absolute change. that was over a year ago. so for him to lie about anything now, is like a big NO NO. this relationship can not tolerate ANY lies. yes, he did come clean and tell me it was him, that's great. i do appreciate the honesty, but then don't tell me some lame excuse and blame me for you watching porn because you don't want me to think you like it. that's so immature. just admit it. and i didn't have a strong stance on it. i tried to bring it into our relationship, but he said he didn't care for it. he said he wasn't like other men. Link to post Share on other sites
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