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Asking a guy about his intentions


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Old 6th October 2010, 5:59 AM   #1
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Asking a guy about his intentions

I am looking for a LTR. Actually, I am looking for a (future) husband.

I have no time for guys who are into casual dating, casual sex etc.

What is a good time to ask a guy what he wants (in general)? I am thinking first date but make sure that I word it in a way that doesn't ask about ME directly.

My mum thinks I will scare guys off. She has also pointed out to me that a guy can easily lie and still actaully only want sex.

What is a good time to ask? And how likely is a guy to lie about this?
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Old 6th October 2010, 6:17 AM   #2
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It depends on someone's age and where they're at in life. If you don't have time for casual flings, stay away from non-professionals. That being said, even if a guy has intentions of finding a wife, they may not see that in you and just enjoy the sex for awhile until someone else catches their eye.

There's no way to prevent it, you just have to use your best judgement.
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Old 6th October 2010, 6:17 AM   #3
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The guys you will scare off will be either the ones who aren't looking for a serious relationship, or don't have the maturity to handle talking about that sort of thing. Which will be most of them

Bear in mind that you are not 'scaring off' any particular guy, you are 'filtering out' unsuitable matches. The goal is *NOT* to 'get' any particular guy, because it doesn't work that way. The goal is to dismiss those who are a waste of your time as fast as possible - by either them rejecting you or vice versa - and find the ones with more potential.

First date is fine to talk about it, but obviously like you said it needs to be phrased as life goals or where they see themselves in x years time, not 'Hey, do you think we'll get married someday?'. And don't dwell on it too long, or too early in the date - most of your conversation should be light and fun, with just enough of the more important stuff to figure out if dating further would be a waste of your time or not.
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Old 6th October 2010, 6:46 AM   #4
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You should be able to tell just based on interactions. First date with my gf though I wasn't sure if I liked her at the time. I gave it a chance though and when we had our first kiss it was just electric. On each date I could feel the attraction between us growing till it was like some hot fluid bubbling around inside me. Then one day several months later one of us just said "I want to be with you forever." It seemed like the logical thing to do and now we talk about and plan our future quite often.

Based on your threads you haven't felt that electricity yet but I suppose you'll know if he's the right one when you do. It should be mutual and should be radiating off him. Of course me and my gf haven't been together anywhere near long enough to get married yet, but we'll see how it goes.
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Old 6th October 2010, 6:47 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by Andy_K View Post
The guys you will scare off will be either the ones who aren't looking for a serious relationship, or don't have the maturity to handle talking about that sort of thing. Which will be most of them

Bear in mind that you are not 'scaring off' any particular guy, you are 'filtering out' unsuitable matches. The goal is *NOT* to 'get' any particular guy, because it doesn't work that way. The goal is to dismiss those who are a waste of your time as fast as possible - by either them rejecting you or vice versa - and find the ones with more potential.

First date is fine to talk about it, but obviously like you said it needs to be phrased as life goals or where they see themselves in x years time, not 'Hey, do you think we'll get married someday?'. And don't dwell on it too long, or too early in the date - most of your conversation should be light and fun, with just enough of the more important stuff to figure out if dating further would be a waste of your time or not.
Exactly! You would only be filtering guys who would be wasting your time anyway.

I used to bring it up as follows: "I'm a relationship kind of girl. I love dating and getting to know people, but I am looking for a relationship. What about you?"

I've never actually had a guy lie to me. Usually, if they aren't looking for a relationship, they'll say: "oh yeah me too, if the right person comes along but..." I learned, the hard way, that any form of hesitation was a bad sign. Ambivalent answers mean uncertainty. While I enjoyed dating those guys, I usually kept things pretty kosher with them. My motto was that I refused to ever be in a position where I find myself trying to convince a guy that I'm worth his while. Guys either want to be with me or they don't. That's outside of my control.

I wonder, did you ever check out this e-book called "Catch him and keep him?" It might actually be a good read for you at this point.
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Old 6th October 2010, 7:01 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OceanGirl View Post
I am looking for a LTR. Actually, I am looking for a (future) husband.

I have no time for guys who are into casual dating, casual sex etc.

What is a good time to ask a guy what he wants (in general)? I am thinking first date but make sure that I word it in a way that doesn't ask about ME directly.

My mum thinks I will scare guys off. She has also pointed out to me that a guy can easily lie and still actaully only want sex.

What is a good time to ask? And how likely is a guy to lie about this?

WHY do you need to know on day 1??? do you think that by getting the answer you want that you will view the person differently?

the road to marriage should be an organic one between 2 people.. you should be wondering on date 1, hmmm, do I like him enough to go on date 2, on date 2 you should be wondering the same about a date 3...

by month 1 you should be wondering if ye are getting on well enough to keep going, by month 6 you should be wondering what holiday ye are going to book together..

by year 1 you may start thinking, ya know what, I love this dude and I can't live without him... and you should know by then what way he is heading...

but OG... date 1.. looking to see his intentions is poppycock in IMO... its only by getting to KNOW someone over time that you see if he is the one for you and if you both feel that certain connection (Whatever that is?!) then it will happen in its own time..

you've got to STOP going into first dates wondering if this is the guy you will end up in the old folks home with.. its about meeting new people and enjoying yourself, this is not meant to be a chore...

I'm not too dissimilar in age to you and I am looking for similar to you, but once I stopped treating every potential date as a future wife and started to enjoy the coffees, the lunches, the zoo visits, I realised this search for the 'one' is complete BS... it will find me.. I'll do my best to help it along by meeting new women but I will stop trying to force it..

the road to getting married should happen in a natural, unforced, un planned, unthought out way....

if you want to manufacture a husband out of thin air I imagine there are similar sites to the 'Buy your russian bride here' type that men have available to em...

just relax, meet new people and stop putting so so so much pressure on yourself to find the 'one' NOW... it will happen at some point....
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Old 6th October 2010, 7:58 AM   #7
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I think it's fine to be clear about what you want. A reasonable person is only likely to take offence or think you're odd if you express it in a manner that suggests anger/resentment towards men who don't want the same thing.

So for instance, when people talk about "not wanting timewasters/gameplayers" that sounds so negative that I think most reasonable people (even those who aren't in the business of playing games or wasting other people's time) will find it offputting. There's a lot of that attitude on this board, from men and women alike. It's understandable, because a lot of people here are frustrated with the dating process...but it still puts those people in a tremendously unappealing light - as though any date with them would be a gruelling and unenjoyable part of an interviewing process for the other person. One that is likely to conclude in an unpleasant/bitter manner if the interviewer doesn't get exactly what they're looking for.

In general, having a clear and positive picture of what you want is probably a better approach to getting it than is having a very clear and negative picture of what you don't want.
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Old 6th October 2010, 9:00 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OceanGirl View Post
I have no time for guys who are into casual dating, casual sex etc.
Yet you initiated sex in a car with a guy recently?
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Old 6th October 2010, 9:25 AM   #9
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Yet you initiated sex in a car with a guy recently?
He was a guy I was dating for a month and at that point felt that we are headed towards a relationship.
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Old 6th October 2010, 9:30 AM   #10
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Do you think you could ever go 2-3 months without sex, when you meet the next guy? And actually let the relationship grow from substance and personality
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Old 6th October 2010, 10:02 AM   #11
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By date 2 or 3 (depending on my comfort level and interest level in the guy) I will ask what type of relationship he's looking for at this point in his life. About the only way I'll bother with a next date is if his answer comes down solidly in the "I'm looking for an LTR and eventually marriage" camp.

Once I knew that I was looking for a future husband I started dating many people at once and didn't sleep with any of them. That way I could toss the "definitely nots" off the table much faster. (Sex always complicates things) I didn't actually get naked with my BF until after we were in an exclusive relationship and I could see things lasting for a while. I was 100% sure about his interest level towards me before I told everyone else I had been dating that I found someone I wanted to be with exclusively.

It was something I had never tried before and I can't say I'd do it again, but it worked for me.

Don't be afraid to calls guys out if they are clearly only out for a piece of booty. I did it several times and once I made it perfectly clear (ok, it took several times of making it clear usually) that a booty call was never going to happen for them they went away. I consider that a win!
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Old 6th October 2010, 10:23 AM   #12
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I always talk about this on the first date. Anyone who is actually interested in a LTR will have no problem discussing it. If he waffles or is evasive about what he's looking for, that tells you he's not interested in a LTR. And remember that many men will lie through their teeth if they think they can get some easy sex. OTH, 30+ men are usually wary of the "I just want to get married and have babies and I don't care who it is" women. A woman looking for a relationship is attractive; a woman who has already picked out china patterns and put down a deposit on a reception hall is not.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazy Magnet View Post
Once I knew that I was looking for a future husband I started dating many people at once and didn't sleep with any of them. That way I could toss the "definitely nots" off the table much faster. (Sex always complicates things) I didn't actually get naked with my BF until after we were in an exclusive relationship and I could see things lasting for a while. I was 100% sure about his interest level towards me before I told everyone else I had been dating that I found someone I wanted to be with exclusively.
Read this and memorize it. And remember that any decent guy is evaluating you. He knows that if you get physical with him before you really get to know him, you've done the same with other guys. We aren't stupid. And that means that even though you say you want a LTR, you don't really mean it. Actions speak louder than words, y'know.
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Old 6th October 2010, 10:47 AM   #13
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woah.. am I missing something here.. I'm actually shocked at some of the comments here that people are dating in such a clinical cold manner...

so you may have met this person in a bar, a supermarket, online, may have exchanged a few txts, emails, phone calls and in the very first few hours you meet someone you head into the 'Do you want an LTR' chat??

I'm one of the 30+ guys and I can tell you, girl starts talking LTR on date 1 and I am running for the hills, there is no way to ask that question and not come off as needy, desperate or clearly insane...

what happened to getting to know someone naturally and building a relationship FIRST instead of looking at the end goal and working backwards...

what happened to meeting someone whom you can see you share similar interests in, values with or humour... regardless of their long term views, because long term views can and do change, thats just the nature of being in a relationship and learning to grow with someone..

and whos to say the guy who is evasive about his answer doesn't end up being the greatest husband in the world....

maybe this is an american way to do it, in which I am sooo glad I live elsewhere..
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Old 6th October 2010, 11:18 AM   #14
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woah.. am I missing something here.. I'm actually shocked at some of the comments here that people are dating in such a clinical cold manner...
I saw your response kickin and immediately went and did a search on your past threads.

All I can say is... Congrats! You are such a romantic! I hope the dating world doesn't beat it out of you. But... Don't you think your own dating life would be easier if you were up-front about what you're looking for? I'm not saying scaring someone away by saying "Woman, I want a relationship, gimme or else stop wasting my time!", but rather, to know what you are looking for and to not be afraid to ask for it?
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Old 6th October 2010, 11:29 AM   #15
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At my age, folks are generally direct. Overheard at first *dinner* date.

'What are you looking for in a relationship?'

'I liked being married'

'That lobster (wasn't really, rather pollo a la diabla) is looking pretty delectable; mind if I share?'
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