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Has anybody gotten over a fear of rejection? Get too mad when it happens?


somedude81

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My deep fear of rejection is absolutely crippling my dating life.

 

Right now I've gotten to the point where I'll only try to pursue a girl that I'm strongly interested in. And of course when she rejects me, it hurts like hell.

 

Earlier today I sent a text to a girl that I've been talking to in class. I asked her what she was up to. My intention was to suggest we hang out. When she didn't reply to my initial message, I got very angry and it basically ruined my day. I did not try to contact her again.

 

So now I think she's a bitch and she's so stuck up for ignoring me, yada yada yada.

 

It's ridiculous how upset I get over crap like this.

 

I can't imagine who much it will hurt to get rejected to my face, when I can barely handle a girl not returning a text.

 

If I just stopped giving a damn, I'd have a much happier life.

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By not giving a damn, you come off as aloof and that actually attracts women, regardless of what they say. That's how I act. I don't give a damn and I know that if one isn't interested, others are. I can't speak for other men, but for me, I refuse to chase any girl like a ball going towards the street. More and more women are making the first move, so facing rejection is not necessarily required compared to years past.

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Has anybody gotten over a fear of rejection?

 

Yes.

 

Get too mad when it happens?

 

Not at all. I kind of shrug my shoulders, giggle a little bit, then go about my day. It's her loss, not mine.

 

 

My deep fear of rejection is absolutely crippling my dating life.

 

Right now I've gotten to the point where I'll only try to pursue a girl that I'm strongly interested in. And of course when she rejects me, it hurts like hell.

 

This is the problem. You get yourself emotionally invested in a girl that you don't even know...you've created an idea in your head of how awesome this girl is before you even started dating her...and you're not interested in the girl herself, but the idea in your head of who you think she is...you need to STOP doing that before you can get anywhere...

 

Earlier today I sent a text to a girl that I've been talking to in class. I asked her what she was up to. My intention was to suggest we hang out. When she didn't reply to my initial message, I got very angry and it basically ruined my day. I did not try to contact her again.

 

Ask her out in person or call. "Wat r U up 2" texts are hella lame, especially as a precursor to a first date invitation.

 

 

So now I think she's a bitch and she's so stuck up for ignoring me, yada yada yada.

 

It's ridiculous how upset I get over crap like this.

 

Yes it is.

 

 

If I just stopped giving a damn, I'd have a much happier life.

 

You just have to stop taking rejection personally.

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I look at every meeting as a potential rejection opportunity. The clear difference now is I'm rejecting women as clearly and as often as they are rejecting me. Balance. Caring less. Health :)

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I don't mad when it happens, I still feel disappointed though. It's not something that ever leaves you- but you learn to rationalize it as incompatibility rather than something more insidious.

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By not giving a damn, you come off as aloof and that actually attracts women, regardless of what they say.

I know that it's very important to appear that I don't care. A couple of years ago, I blew up on a girl that was also a really close friend and made her hate me.

 

So now when a girl rejects me, I pretend that it has no effect on me. Of course I want to yell and scream at her and call her a bitch.

 

That's how I act. I don't give a damn and I know that if one isn't interested, others are. I can't speak for other men, but for me, I refuse to chase any girl like a ball going towards the street. More and more women are making the first move, so facing rejection is not necessarily required compared to years past.

My life is the complete opposite of what I bolded. As far as I can tell, no women are interested in me. Since no girls like me, the only thing I can is go after the ones that are friendliest towards me. But deep down I know that they'd also reject me, and then I'd lose the "friendship." :sick:

Yes.

How did you do it?

Not at all. I kind of shrug my shoulders, giggle a little bit, then go about my day. It's her loss, not mine.

It appears the investment you had in her was low.

 

This is the problem. You get yourself emotionally invested in a girl that you don't even know...you've created an idea in your head of how awesome this girl is before you even started dating her...and you're not interested in the girl herself, but the idea in your head of who you think she is...you need to STOP doing that before you can get anywhere...
It's a big dilemma for me. I fear that I am so unattractive to women, that girls who barely know me, will instantly reject me.

 

So what I do is single out one girl and start to give her a lot of attention. I try to regularly talk to her and hang out. I do this with the goal of trying to get her to like who I am, so that when I ask her out for real, she accepts. Of course it doesn't work. I'm also hoping that by spending time with a girl, I can recognize signs of interest from her. I'm just an idiot.

 

There is one girl that I could be interested in, and I've only briefly talked to her, I'm just scared of her rejecting me, without even giving me a chance.

Ask her out in person or call. "Wat r U up 2" texts are hella lame, especially as a precursor to a first date invitation.

This is a girl that I've already established some comfort with. It's our second semester of being in class together. We hung out a couple of times last semester. We hung out again last week and I took her to the new fitness center. That interaction started with a, "what are you up to" text. So I was greatly annoyed when she didn't bother to respond to this text. I really have no clue what she thinks of me.

You just have to stop taking rejection personally.

I would love to. And it's basically the point of this thread. Right now, every rejection is extremely personal. Heck, how women view me is the basis of my self-value. It's so f-ing lame.

I look at every meeting as a potential rejection opportunity. The clear difference now is I'm rejecting women as clearly and as often as they are rejecting me. Balance. Caring less. Health :)

Potential rejection opportunity? I don't get it.

 

As for rejecting women, I don't care about that. I gain nothing from turning down women I'm not interested in. It's actually very annoying having women I couldn't become interested in liking me, when I can't get the girls I want.

I don't mad when it happens, I still feel disappointed though. It's not something that ever leaves you- but you learn to rationalize it as incompatibility rather than something more insidious.

An incompatibility? I'm not too sure of that. The past few girls that I've been close to, I felt strong compatibility with them.

 

The current girl that I'm interested in the most, feels like my absolute perfect match. We have so many things in common it's crazy. We get along great. But I know she'll reject me.

 

Trying to rationalize the inevitable rejection causes me to become angrier at her and women in general.

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My life is the complete opposite of what I bolded. As far as I can tell, no women are interested in me. Since no girls like me, the only thing I can is go after the ones that are friendliest towards me. But deep down I know that they'd also reject me, and then I'd lose the "friendship." :sick:

 

 

That's impossible. There had to be at least 1 girl interested. You're probably targeted the borderline models or something. I'm sure some girls(probably average looking at best and/or fat) were clearly interested, but you ruled them out.

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SadandConfusedWA
That's impossible. There had to be at least 1 girl interested. You're probably targeted the borderline models or something. I'm sure some girls(probably average looking at best and/or fat) were clearly interested, but you ruled them out.

 

 

When you are facing constant rejection, it's time to lower your standards.

 

Very hot male players tend to go for average to slighlty above average looking girls because it's easier to get them... In other words, guys that are say 9 go for girls that are 6 and are almost never rejected. If you are a 6 trying going for a 3.

 

I don't like it, but such is life...

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How did you do it?

 

My first real girlfriend left me. Rejection didn't hurt after that.

 

 

It appears the investment you had in her was low.

 

Correct. I learned not to invest too much of myself in the early stages of dating. Dating is the process of getting to know someone in determining whether I want to be in a relationship with her.

 

 

It's a big dilemma for me. I fear that I am so unattractive to women, that girls who barely know me, will instantly reject me.

 

So what I do is single out one girl and start to give her a lot of attention. I try to regularly talk to her and hang out. I do this with the goal of trying to get her to like who I am, so that when I ask her out for real, she accepts. Of course it doesn't work. I'm also hoping that by spending time with a girl, I can recognize signs of interest from her. I'm just an idiot.

 

There is one girl that I could be interested in, and I've only briefly talked to her, I'm just scared of her rejecting me, without even giving me a chance.

 

You're giving them the wrong kind of attention. When you're asking them out for real, you've already been friend zoned from all the 'friend attention'...of course it's fine to build rapport with these women with casual conversation in class, but the first time you spend time with them outside of class should be a date, not "hanging out"...but I've told you this many times before in previous threads...

 

 

This is a girl that I've already established some comfort with. It's our second semester of being in class together. We hung out a couple of times last semester. We hung out again last week and I took her to the new fitness center. That interaction started with a, "what are you up to" text. So I was greatly annoyed when she didn't bother to respond to this text. I really have no clue what she thinks of me.

 

This is because you only "hung out" with her. You didn't take her out on a date. Your approach makes it very easy for women to friend zone you early on...

 

 

I would love to. And it's basically the point of this thread. Right now, every rejection is extremely personal. Heck, how women view me is the basis of my self-value. It's so f-ing lame.

 

No one can help you but yourself on this one. Read Star Gazer's internal validation thread.

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Im paralzyed by it as well..

 

Its easy to say dont be afraid of rejection from guys whove had prior sucess with women and know theres women out there attracted to them..

 

When youve never had sucess in 30 years every rejection you feel as if its confirmation that im unattratcive to women..

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That's impossible. There had to be at least 1 girl interested. You're probably targeted the borderline models or something. I'm sure some girls(probably average looking at best and/or fat) were clearly interested, but you ruled them out.

Within the past 5 years, there were two girls whom I suspected of being interested.

 

One was over weight, taller than me, not attractive and she smoked. To me, all those are all negative qualities.

 

The other woman seemed to be about 10 yeas older than myself. Right now, I don't even go after girls my own age. She also wasn't even remotely attractive.

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Very hot male players tend to go for average to slighlty above average looking girls because it's easier to get them... In other words, guys that are say 9 go for girls that are 6 and are almost never rejected. If you are a 6 trying going for a 3.

 

 

Not necessarily. I've rarely seen a guy that hot settle with someone only slightly above average at best. Why should they settle when they can get an 8-9? Yes, girls that are average looking usually have better personalities than the hot ones, so I personally would rather have an overweight girl with a great personality than a hot one that's a b*tch.

 

And I agree he needs to lower his standards. There's no way no girl has ever shown interest.

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Within the past 5 years, there were two girls whom I suspected of being interested.

 

One was over weight, taller than me, not attractive and she smoked. To me, all those are all negative qualities.

 

The other woman seemed to be about 10 yeas older than myself. Right now, I don't even go after girls my own age. She also wasn't even remotely attractive.

 

 

Smoking I can understand. But what if she agreed to stop smoking? Your standards appear to be way too high.

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SadandConfusedWA
Not necessarily. I've rarely seen a guy that hot settle with someone only slightly above average at best. Why should they settle when they can get an 8-9? Yes, girls that are average looking usually have better personalities than the hot ones, so I personally would rather have an overweight girl with a great personality than a hot one that's a b*tch.

 

And I agree he needs to lower his standards. There's no way no girl has ever shown interest.

 

 

I wasn't talking about a long term relationship. I was talking if they want to pick up for something casual/sex.

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Within the past 5 years, there were two girls whom I suspected of being interested.

 

One was over weight, taller than me, not attractive and she smoked. To me, all those are all negative qualities.

 

The other woman seemed to be about 10 yeas older than myself. Right now, I don't even go after girls my own age. She also wasn't even remotely attractive.

 

Im the same way while i dont have extremely high standards i need to have some sort of physical attraction to the girl

 

if my"league" is women i have absolutely not an ounce of physical attraction to id rather be alone..

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I wasn't talking about a long term relationship. I was talking if they want to pick up for something casual/sex.

 

 

You could apply it to either one. His standards are too high regardless.

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I can't imagine who much it will hurt to get rejected to my face, when I can barely handle a girl not returning a text.

 

If I just stopped giving a damn, I'd have a much happier life.

 

 

You would have a much happier life I agree. Easier said than done though. We can't pick our battles. We can only fight them. Be glad you don't have face her. I know how you feel. Good luck to ya

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When you are facing constant rejection, it's time to lower your standards.

 

Very hot male players tend to go for average to slighlty above average looking girls because it's easier to get them... In other words, guys that are say 9 go for girls that are 6 and are almost never rejected. If you are a 6 trying going for a 3.

 

I don't like it, but such is life...

I have been lowering my standards. Several years ago I lowered them too much and ended up dating a 3. When I look back on the memories, it grosses me out.

 

Now I only go after 5-7's.

 

BTW, I think your number system is way off. There's no way that 9 guys are only going after 6 girls. Unless you're saying that a 6 girl is almost a guarantee for a 9 guy.

 

Most people tend to stay within their own range. 5 or below starts to gross me out and there is simply no way that could work. Would a girl even want to be with a guy, when she she knows the guy thinks she's ugly and fat? The previous girl I mentioned, often questioned why I was with her and was jealous of cuter girls that I was friendly with.

My first real girlfriend left me. Rejection didn't hurt after that.

That's not really helpful...

Correct. I learned not to invest too much of myself in the early stages of dating. Dating is the process of getting to know someone in determining whether I want to be in a relationship with her.

I can see that we have very different goals when it comes to dating. I'm also heavily invested in each girl. I wish I knew how to stop that.

You're giving them the wrong kind of attention. When you're asking them out for real, you've already been friend zoned from all the 'friend attention'...of course it's fine to build rapport with these women with casual conversation in class, but the first time you spend time with them outside of class should be a date, not "hanging out"...but I've told you this many times before in previous threads...

 

This is because you only "hung out" with her. You didn't take her out on a date. Your approach makes it very easy for women to friend zone you early on...

Hanging out, going on a date, I can't tell the difference. I've made threads and many posts on the subject and have never received a clear answer. Do people in college even go on dates? I really have no idea how the process even works.

 

I'm just usually happy that I manged to spend any time at all with a girl.

 

No one can help you but yourself on this one. Read Star Gazer's internal validation thread.

I'll look for the thread.

Im paralzyed by it as well..

 

Its easy to say dont be afraid of rejection from guys whove had prior sucess with women and know theres women out there attracted to them..

 

When youve never had sucess in 30 years every rejection you feel as if its confirmation that im unattratcive to women..

Yeah it's difficult. That's why I'm hoping that somebody who's actually struggled with it, will come forward. From my experience, the guys that it's been a real problem for, don't get better.

 

I'm 29 and I'm starting to doubt that I have any chance of having a happy life.

Smoking I can understand. But what if she agreed to stop smoking? Your standards appear to be way too high.

Why are they too high?

 

A girl has to have a pretty messed up face to not even be cute. I'd say that at least 75-80% of women have an attractive face. A woman being heavier than me is an absolute deal-breaker. I've been down that road once, never again.

 

So wanting a girl 5-5'8, under 150lbs with at least a cute face (which the vast majority of women have) are too high standards?

 

Since I'm not fat or ugly or really have anything physically wrong with me, except for being 5'6, it's hard to believe that I have to lower my standards to far below average.

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I get over rejection much faster than I used to, but I'm talking dating and not a relationship. Usually, I'm over it 24-48 hours. The last rejection I got (3 dates), I actually was over it before he sent the rejection email. He was like, "I can't hang out with you this weekend...or ever." I had already booked my weekend solid with social stuff & I was only minorly irritated.

 

I think when I stopped wanting a boyfriend and felt dating was a bore is when I crossed to the serenity side. :bunny:

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Why are they too high?

 

A girl has to have a pretty messed up face to not even be cute. I'd say that at least 75-80% of women have an attractive face. A woman being heavier than me is an absolute deal-breaker. I've been down that road once, never again.

 

So wanting a girl 5-5'8, under 150lbs with at least a cute face (which the vast majority of women have) are too high standards?

 

Since I'm not fat or ugly or really have anything physically wrong with me, except for being 5'6, it's hard to believe that I have to lower my standards to far below average.

 

 

You shouldn't be focusing on looks. You should be going for personality. No one said to go for ugly girls. The last girl I was interested was around 5'8" and over 200 pounds. What drew me to her was her personality. I'm 165 pounds at 6'1", so obviously I'm not huge and certainly no where near 200 pounds. And I'm not ugly.

 

Being 5'6" isn't a dealbreaker. Your lack of confidence is.

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Yeah I got over my fear of rejection when I was 22. Before that I was to afraid to even ask a girl out let alone kiss and touch her.

 

Look ASK GIRLS OUT IN PERSON... not over txt message.

 

Seriously JUST DO IT. The more girls you ask out the less you will care when one rejects you. Plus if you keep asking girls out you'll get "YES" as an answer and before you know it you will be casualy dating a few girls... and then before you know it you will have a gf.

 

Don't go out with girls you are not completly attracted to. A girl you label as a 6 is probably HARDER to get then a girl you think is a 9 or what ever.

 

Seriously Somedude if I put my mind in your body I would have like 3 dates by the end of the week. Dates that you would consider HOTT!!

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Quote:

No one can help you but yourself on this one. Read Star Gazer's internal validation thread.

I'll look for the thread.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t246608/

 

IME, the clear imperative is operating initially at the superficial levels of care and without significant contact or interest. Interaction and interest breeds care, which, for platonic friendships based on similar interests and without sexual and romantic intimacy, works fine, because the emotional investment dynamic is different. Let the care develop during the dating process, as appropriate. If there is no date (rejection), then there is no care, ergo nothing to fear, fear being based on the results of the interaction mattering in some significant way.

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Trust me I've been in your shoes and its tough, but I think you are getting some really good advice in this thread. Yes, you are taking it to personally. I've been rejected and it stings some at first but if you really value yourself and are comfortable in your own skin it should wear off pretty quickly. Just next that girl and focus on a new one. She blew you off so f*** her.

 

Do whatever you need to do to get over that rejection quickly, but the best way is to ask another girl. I definetely haven't mastered that yet, but Green is right, don't waste time with indirect texts, get to the point and make it clear you want to take them somewhere fun and plant the idea that you want them (in your bed ;)).

 

I agree with others too that you are getting way too emotionally invested in one girl at a time. It will ruin any other chance you have if you are stuck on one lame chick who isn't in to you at all. If your attention isn't appreciated (and it is usually obvious) then give it to someone who will appreciate it and reciprocate. I know you have your standards and I'm not telling you to lower them. That is BS and will only get you more hurt in the long run. Stick to your standards just throw more darts.

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5'6" eh? I'm short too. Yup.. It's just how it is.

 

It's almost like walking into a supermarket, except you're limited to only the first few aisles.. so, sure, shop all you want.. but, you can't go into the fruits and vegetable section, or the frozen foods.. but, that bakery part with the old cakes.. go there, and choose all you want!! ;)

 

Meanwhile, they go off to get their fruits and veggies lol.

 

So... you got to go to another store. Maybe in that store, that section actually has some hidden gems... like some bomb ass cake that they must of missed...

 

But you grab it... and say to hell with the fruits and vegetables!!!

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