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My boyfriend thinks that he might be gay


Pugna

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I have been going out with someone for 3 months now. We are enjoying ourselves and the sex is great (for me at least). 2 weeks ago this person told me that he's never thought about whether or not he may be gay. I told him that it would be best to try to seek counseling before I got too attached.

 

Last week he said that he watched gay porn but it did nothing for him and that he called a gay hotline but they say that it takes time to figure out these identity questions.

 

He tells me that he has never been aroused by another man. But he's not sure whether this is a learned response or not. He was not attracted to his first girlfriend and when he left her, he told her that it was because he thought he might be gay. But he says that he's very attracted to me.

 

After his first girlfriend, he traveled extensively, but never had a relationship with another man, only other women. Now he is with me and I'm the first women he's been with in a long time where the relationship has an indefinite expiry date because we both live and work in the same city and neither of us intends to move in the near future. He wonders if he is afraid of intimacy and he is doing his best to sort himself out to avoid hurting me, because he says that he doesn't want to be with anyone else.

 

I have had a difficult year and just ended a long-term relationship when I met this guy. I am very fond him and we do enjoy each other's company very much. I have no problem with bisexuality and people of ambiguous orientation. This said though, emotionally I'm drained, I'm afraid of this drama I just want to find my happiness. Should I tell this guy that we are indefinitely over until he gets his identity sorted out, or should I have more faith?

 

- Tired.

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welikeincrowds
- Tired.

 

I would be too. The details of this matter aren't relevant, because the issue is just more of the same: "I have baggage and it's getting in the way of our happiness."

 

This is not your responsibility, and I'm sorry that you've been made to deal with it. I think you need to tell your man to go buy some Judy Garland DVDs or whatever he has to do to get his **** together, and to not come back until he's ready to deserve you. And then treat yourself to a sundae or something.

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I will admit, I read no further than the headline before I thought, "Guh? Um, I'd rephrase that to say 'my *friend* thinks that he might be gay' lol. Sorry OP, based on your title I'd leave dude alone. I'll fully read your thread in the AM. (Cant beleive I am on here this late & need to wake up in a few hours *grumbles*)

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I would just tell him we can be "friends". Please don't get involved in this situation and be glad that he told you. You could have fell in love, gotten married and had kids, only to find this out. Please go and find someone who is not ambiguous about their sexuality.

 

Best wishes

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I think you need to end things, at least for now.

 

I'm not sure why this guy thinks he is gay if gay porn does nothing for him, but he's obviously got a lot to work through right now.

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So let me see if I can summarize the high points: He's never had a relationship with a man, never been attracted to a man, is not turned on by gay porn, and is attracted to you (a woman.)

 

But he thinks there's a possibility that he might be gay? Because why? Just because it's never been proven that he's not?

 

It sounds like he's hiding something, or hiding from something.

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So let me see if I can summarize the high points: He's never had a relationship with a man, never been attracted to a man, is not turned on by gay porn, and is attracted to you (a woman.)

 

But he thinks there's a possibility that he might be gay? Because why? Just because it's never been proven that he's not?

 

It sounds like he's hiding something, or hiding from something.

 

 

With Trimmer on this 100%. I feel like my own sexuality is confused just from reading this post, plus my head hurts.

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I think he is bisexual and is having difficulty coming to terms with it. Irregardless I think you are going to get hurt with him.

 

I would back off from it and leave it be for a while. These things tend to resolve themselves over time.

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Someone here, is overthinking things. To me it sounds like it's the both of you.

 

So philosophically, in the abstract, he has no reason to suspect he's a raging heterosexual - so hey, he might be gay? Who knows! I have had similar conversations with very young nerdy guys - who have all consistently turned out to be straight, btw. Some possible reasons he might not have bothered too much with girls might be because he doesn't have that high of a sex drive, gone through some tough emotional times, been extremely focused on his career/school... etc.

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He needs to see a therapist and you need to leave him b4 you need a therapist too.gd luck

 

Am I gay? Hmmm. Nice wet tight vagina , soft skin, breast; OR rock hard d.ick, hair on the chest? Uggg, I passed d test, I'm NOT homo. LoL

 

Gd lk again

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Hi knittress, thanks for playing devil's advocate. But I feel that it needs to be thought out because I feel that this guy is getting a panicky. He is exploring this potential side of his sexuality - as a precaution against this coming up in the future. Can any of you guys relate to that?

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Hi knittress, thanks for playing devil's advocate. But I feel that it needs to be thought out because I feel that this guy is getting a panicky. He is exploring this potential side of his sexuality - as a precaution against this coming up in the future. Can any of you guys relate to that?

Not really, but that's just me. My attraction for women and lack of attraction for men has always been clear and unambiguous to me, but I know it's not that clear cut for everyone.

 

I'm just still mystified... Usually when someone is intending to "explore" something, they are driven by a need, an urge, a calling, whatever. But he seems to claim that he has none of these that he is identifying, yet is still obviously driven to embark on this exploration. It seems paradoxical, unless there's more that's not out on the table yet. Other than that, I am totally baffled, but the nearest I can come to understanding it myself is that he seems to be wanting to go explore not because of an identifiable motivation or drive, but because of a lack of some kind of drive. Let's check on that a little bit...

 

...he says that he's very attracted to me...

Can you amplify this point a little bit? When the two of you are together, are you emotionally intimate, physically passionate? Is he enthusiastic about your relationship, or just dettled into it? He almost sounds like he is on the edge of running away from it - how would you rate his passion, intimacy, commitment... Does he really seem to want to be there?

 

It's starting to sound to me - although I'm just reading between the lines - like he is sexually ambivalent... Kind of 'asexual' to a degree, like maybe he isn't feeling much of any kind of sexual/romantic passion, and he's wondering why, when he gets messages from our society all around him that he should.

 

So if he's just not feeling sexual at all, one possible reason he might imagine could be "maybe I'm gay..." But the thing that's so confusing to me is that there seem to be NO indications of that either - nothing that is pushing him in that direction, nothing that matches, or indicates that he belongs on "that side." He seems to be even more ambivalent about being gay than he is about being straight, but the bottom line to me is that it sounds like he doesn't have much enthusiasm for either, and maybe that's really the root issue here.

 

This ambivalence - this confusion - is already a huge obstacle in your relationship, as it was in at least one previous one of his that you pointed out. We can guess all day here, but the "signs" just don't point in a consistent direction. All the observable indications are pointing in confusing directions. I agree with you that he needs to talk this out with a professional who can guide him in exploring what the real issue is... He seems to be aware something is wrong, but is listless and aimless in approaching it. If he wants to get at it he needs to get some help.

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I certainly can't call a person's orientation sight unseen, but I believe Trimmer made some good points that maybe this guy is just ambivalent about sexuality in general. Society gives this message that men are just walking hard-ons, and that really, really isn't true for some fellas - and maybe that's got him a bit insecure?

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Last week he said that he watched gay porn but it did nothing for him ...

straight men do not look at gay porn. period

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I don't think a straight man would spend too much time confused about whether he was gay or not. Your guy sounds very confused.

 

I suppose I have a rather biased viewpoint in that I know two guys whose wives left them for women. In one case, he thought his wife was heterosexual; in the other, he knew she'd mentioned she was bisexual but she had said she wanted to be with him and wouldn't pursue it. In both cases, the women did pursue it later on when the guys had become attached and married them. Both guys were incredibly hurt by this.

 

I assume that the women were being honest at the time and later something changed for them and they no longer felt able to stay in the relationship. These things happen. I just think they are more likely to happen if you are dealing with someone who is clearly unsure of his sexual orientation and is expressing this to you. Believe that the guy is uncertain and then decide whether you want this state of affairs to continue. I can't speak for you, but I know if it was me and my guy talked to me about his uncertainties in this area after having been in a heterosexual relationship with me for a while, I'd be stopping in my tracks and thinking twice about considering a future with him.

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With Trimmer on this 100%. I feel like my own sexuality is confused just from reading this post, plus my head hurts.

 

:D funny!!!

 

OP, I am with the rest of the group...he has too much baggage and it is weighing you down....dump him, kindly....but dump him, nonetheless.

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OK so Trimmer, I think that you're in the right direction. This guy says that he does not like gay porn, is not aroused by men. But he doesn't know if this is a learned thing or not.

 

How can I tell if he enjoys sex or not? We are active every time we see each other. It's good for me, and he seems really into it in that he seems to have more libido in terms of desire and stamina than I do. He's never had a problem getting off. He is very particular about what he likes and I'm not shy. But how do I know what he's really thinking? He seems sincere when he says that he enjoys sex with me.

 

The commitment thing is something else. I've only known long-term relationships, I'm sort of already programmed to do the wife thing, like cooking and that kind of thing. This guy has never lived with another woman, most of his relationships have been really short term. I think that he doesn't see an expiry date on our relationship and this makes him nervous.

He had a depression when in his teens and later on developed a brain tumor, I understand that this health issue has been resolved. But I suppose that it caused some down time as far as dating goes. Now though, this guy is smoking hot and apart from the sexuality thing, he's really together.

 

I don't think that he's making excuses to get out of seeing me because if anything I have been the one working on feeling good enough to engage in a serious relationship. Given that I was unhappy with someone else in a long-term thing, this guy waited half a year before I was even ready to start dating him.

 

Ever since he got the sexuality thing off his chest, he's been checking in on me more, not less and wants to see me more, not less. He also went out of his way to put a photo of us being obviously a couple up on his FB page, which kinda indicates that things are official with us, whatever this thing is.

 

But anyway, I'm as totally confused as you all are I think the consensus here is that we should be seeing each other less, not more, so that's what'll happen. Thanks for everything folks, this dating stuff is quite the challenge.:(

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