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Complicated situation with the girl I'm dating...


The Art of Rehab

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The Art of Rehab

Pretty long story here, I'll try to make it as short as possible.

 

Ok so for the past 6 months or so I've been dating this girl. She has a year old son, and the father passed away shortly after the child was born from drug use =/

 

Anyway, so we started off really casually, just hanging whenever and having fun. I started to get attached once she started acting more affectionate toward me. Now, I'd never done a 'casual' relationship, all of my past relationships have been a few dates and then we were 'official' for years. Needless to say, I got too attached, too quickly. I started pressuring her to be official, not sure why really, but it pushed her away. We had a few big fights over this. I also text a lot, and she doesn't. I thought she was ignoring me at first, and I'd get annoyed with her, but she didn't tell me until our last fight that she doesn't answer because absolutely nobody helps her out with anything. She has to cook, clean the house and take care of her son all by herself, with barely any free time. In comes me complaining about miniscule **** to her.

 

Our last fight she basically said that she doesn't see me as someone she could be serious with because 'we are too alike, and i feel that's better for friendship'

 

Now this is after we've been dating, having sex, cuddling, going out to dinner's/movies/walks in the park for 6 months. I hadn't talked to her for a week until I sent her a text today basically apologizing for messing things up between us and asked if we could just start over now that I understand what she goes through on a day to day basis. She hasn't responded to me yet, and I'm starting to worry if she will. I really like this girl, she's super cool, really cute, and she makes me happy. I believe that my actions, the pressure and bull**** I brought on her pushed her away. She told me after about 2 months of dating that I 'was boyfriend material, but she wasn't ready yet' and she said she used to have feelings for me.

 

Did she legitimately lose interest in me? Or can I salvage this? I think she lost her feelings for me not because we're 'too alike', but because I pressured her way too much and turned her off to it. That's why I wanted to start over and just take it easy this time, I figure if we just chill and have fun together like we were, then her feelings may come back. I don't know what to do though, I don't want to give up on her, we get along great when we actually hang out...I just created a bunch of BS on the in between =/

 

Can I fix this, or am I screwed?

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You sound young...

 

But it's pretty obvious that this girl is not in any place to be in a relationship with any guy...she's got to take care of a one year old which is certainly a very difficult time for a single mother...no wonder she doesn't have time to take care of you...the kid is always going to come first, and I think that she has a point that you two are definitely not on the same page in this situation...

 

Are you honestly ready to step in and be a father figure for the child? It doesn't seem like she's ready either for someone else to fill the shoes of the deceased father...

 

I don't have anything against dating single mothers...but this definitely doesn't sound like a winning situation...move on...

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The Art of Rehab

I'm 24, she's 20.

 

Honestly? Yes I am, we've hung out many times with the child when she can't find babysitters and it's not bad. I don't need to be serious right now, I just want to spend time with her and have fun like we used to before I tried to get serious.

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I'm 24, she's 20.

 

Honestly? Yes I am, we've hung out many times with the child when she can't find babysitters and it's not bad. I don't need to be serious right now, I just want to spend time with her and have fun like we used to before I tried to get serious.

 

Heh, it better be a lot better than "not bad" if you truly want to take care of this child...and what's going to keep you from trying to get serious again if you start to hang out again...? Find someone who has less going on in her life and will give you the attention you're looking for...this girl is simply too busy to take care of her kid and you at the same time...

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I was trying not to get too attached to the kid in case a situation like right now happened, it would be great if I didn't have to worry about this. Self control will keep me from trying to get serious again before she's ready. She was okay with taking it slow and dating, and I messed it up. I just want things to be back to how they were...

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Man, I hate that you behaved the way you did with this because it really felt like you may have had something good going. Unfortunately, we have to take experience like these as one to grow on and the rough side of it is that you lose the girl to gain that wisdom.

 

I am straight up and I don't play around with alternatives much. I take a stance and my stance is this: you are going to lose this one. Brace yourself.

 

 

First, I am glad you, at least, learned a very important point relatively early when it comes to dating . That very important point is to never pressure a woman. Just don't ever do it.

 

 

Two, dump texting. Texting is just so bad because it becomes a conduit for serious conversations that should be had face to face and you begin to look like a coward and youngster. Adults need to have serious communication face to face.

 

Texting is also is easy to abuse and it can destroy romance. Nobody wants to hear that you are taking a piss now, now you are doing your laundry, you are thinking about her, now you are driving, etc,. It comes to a point that a woman feels that she has heard or read every thing you have got to say and your day is so predictable that it will make her want to gag. It's all fun in the beginning until it becomes so predictable, smothering, and boring.

 

Apologies shouldn't be done over texting at all!

 

 

Avoid fighting. Keep your cool! When you feel a fight coming on, just say "goodbye" and get in your car and leave. Talk about it later. It is tough to make this a part of yourself because a lot of time we just want to verbally release our frustration but you will gain much more respect by keeping your emotions under control. Men absolutely have to keep their emotions under control in relationships or the will lose the only general edge that they have when it comes to dating. So It won't be long after you start saying "goodbye" at the beginning of an argument that you will hear a "wait, wait, wait, let's just talk about it..." Then you can talk about things like two mature individuals.

 

 

 

She said:

 

"Our last fight she basically said that she doesn't see me as someone she could be serious with because 'we are too alike, and i feel that's better for friendship'"

 

She means it!

 

 

 

You asked:

 

"Did she legitimately lose interest in me?"

 

Yes.

 

 

"Can I fix this, or am I screwed? "

 

No and yes.

 

 

Your best chance, if you have any, is to back off now and to not send her anymore texts, call her, or drive by her house. I really don't think you can salvage this, unfortunately. Too many big errors. This is a good experience early in life though. It makes us better and I can tell that it's going to make you better.

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Man I really hope that I didn't screw this up. I did learn a lot from it, but I really don't want to lose this girl in the process. That's why I asked her if we could just start over, I really like this girl, and I've been kicking myself every day for blowing it up like I did. I want to use my new found knowledge and perfect what we have...I don't want to lose her :(

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I was trying not to get too attached to the kid in case a situation like right now happened, it would be great if I didn't have to worry about this. Self control will keep me from trying to get serious again before she's ready. She was okay with taking it slow and dating, and I messed it up. I just want things to be back to how they were...

 

 

Yep, you will be better but things will not be the same whatever happens. That is what is crappy about experiences like this. You think "I have learned. Can't I just be rewarded for learning and growing from this situation and just have things back there way they were?" But relationships are dynamic and once your throw actions into them that cause a certain reaction, you can never go back to the original product.

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Man I really hope that I didn't screw this up. I did learn a lot from it, but I really don't want to lose this girl in the process. That's why I asked her if we could just start over, I really like this girl, and I've been kicking myself every day for blowing it up like I did. I want to use my new found knowledge and perfect what we have...I don't want to lose her :(

 

 

I know you don't, man. Just give her space. It is your best bet.

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Thanks for the replies, I'm going to try my best to give her space. Going to be hard, she's on my mind every day, and my job is so boring that all I do is think about things all day long. All I can think about right now is getting a second chance, I can fix this....I just need one shot. Here's hoping =/

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Thanks for the replies, I'm going to try my best to give her space. Going to be hard, she's on my mind every day, and my job is so boring that all I do is think about things all day long. All I can think about right now is getting a second chance, I can fix this....I just need one shot. Here's hoping =/

 

 

Good luck, man!

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Good luck, man!

 

Still haven't heard from her. Do people really still pull the 'ignore someone until they go away' card?

 

When we stopped talking during our last fight and we agreed to spend a bit apart, she said that if I changed my mind and wanted to talk again, that she'd be there...and she's not. Confusing.

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