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she doesnt initiate contact


blacksentra

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Hi guys. This is my first post here. I needed some advice

 

Ok. A couple of Fridays ago I go on a date with an old friend from grade school that i hadnt seen in close to 7 years. The date went perfect. I ended up staying the night with her.

 

While in the bed we started making out and almost got to the point of sex but she said she didnt wanna give it up so soon. But it was obvious that she was attracted to me.

 

So the next morning we get up and exchange goodbyes. The following wednesday and thursday i come back to her house and we're having a good time. More fooling around but we didnt have sex. This time she said she wanted to but was on her period. Im almost certain if i go see her next week, we will probably have sex.

 

This brings me to my question. While we're in-person, she's all over me (acting affectionately and sexual). she's constantly talking about how im such a great guy and how we've hit it off. BUT when im not around she doesnt seem to pay me much attention. Considering the fact that we have come so close to sex multiple times i would expect her to want to have more frequent communication with me. She never initiates phone calls/texts/ or dates (i text her everyday just to say hi, call every few days, and want to get into the habit of seeing her at least twice weekly). she doesnt blow me off and she is willing to see me, but its just confusing and a little disheartening that she doesnt seem to want more communication with me. im used to girls at least texting me daily when we get to the point im at with this girl.

 

I should also note: last week she told me that she has been dating someone else since around may. they're not exclusive and she says it isnt that serious. She also said that he doesnt treat her the way she wants to be treated, but that she thought she should tell me. ironically she said that it seems like she's the one always getting blown off by him and that she's putting more effort into their "dating". i was a little turned off by her telling me this, but ive decided to deal with it because i want to pursue something furhter with her

 

She says that she is starting to like me, as i am her, but her actions when not in my presence are a little opposite of that. i have a desire to speak to her at least once everyday but she doesnt share this. what should i do? am i coming on too strong? also, at this point how often should i be seeing her and just calling/texting?

 

we're both 21 y.o. seniors at two seperate but nearby universities.

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I had a gf like that.....she would rarely initiate the call.. I soon learned that if she texted or called and left a vm or no answer on my phone... ball would on my court... I learned quickly, and have actually taken that method on to my dating life after her..

 

If she calls or texts, you respond... BUT once you call, no answer, or leave a vm, or a text...ball is in her COURT... don't call / text back... DO it, it will work, if not you are just being needy and kissing her azz.. she'll be laughing with her freinds, "oh so and so is always calling me" vs "when is this guy going to call me????"

 

LOL good luck..

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Ruby Slippers

From what you have explained, it sounds like she doesn't want to have sex with you because she is having sex with the other guy right now. She is attracted to him and wants a relationship with him, but he sees her just as a f*ck buddy. She is not as into you, but likes the attention she gets from you, and is waiting to see if it's worth swinging from the other guy's branch to yours.

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From what you have explained, it sounds like she doesn't want to have sex with you because she is having sex with the other guy right now. She is attracted to him and wants a relationship with him, but he sees her just as a f*ck buddy. She is not as into you, but likes the attention she gets from you, and is waiting to see if it's worth swinging from the other guy's branch to yours.

 

yes, that's exactly what ive been thinking. except i think she does want to have sex with me. the only reason we didnt last week was because of her period.

 

obviously i want to have sex with her (although i dont know how i feel about the idea of "sharing" her body with someone else) but im also beginning to have feelings for her and would like to gradually progress to something serious.

 

if what u stated is true, how do i go about things now? i mean she did say it wasnt serious and that he doesnt treat her too good (which i would do), so do you think its possible to step in and snatch her? or am i just playing myself and wasting my time?

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meerkat stew

Disagree that she doesn't want to have sex with you. To clarify, she has been dating someone nonexclusively since May. You dated her for the first time two weeks ago, slept in bed together, and on the next date, she expressed a desire to have sex except for her period.

 

Can absolutely understand her wanting the first time to be less... -sanguinary-. There's just nothing indicating that she doesn't want to have sex with you or is putting you off. It's been two weeks and you have been together twice in that time, intimate both times if not all the way to sex? Many people would consider you are rushing into things very quickly, not that she is sending signals she doesn't want you.

 

As far as her not texting and calling you constantly, do you realize how lucky you are? You may have actually stumbled onto a secure, confident woman who has some -cool- about her. And once more, what level of devotion or contact do you expect from her at the two week mark?

 

She may or may not be having sex with the other guy. Whatever is the case, either 1) her feelings for him aren't strong at all, or 2) she has self-control and compulsiveness problems, possibly both. Best wishes towards you finding that it's 1 and not 2.

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I dont understand people who contact someone else more than twice when they get no response. For me three times are the maximum.

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I dont understand people who contact someone else more than twice when they get no response. For me three times are the maximum.

 

its not that she doesnt respond to me, she has never ignored me or rejected a date. its just that she doesnt initiate contact with me on her own.

 

and @ meerkat. i guess you're right. it has only been two weeks. i have been feeling like ive been rushing things and expecting too much from her. i just would expect more "clinginess" from a girl who ive come so close to intimacy with multiple times. those have been my usual experiences and it threw me off when she wasnt conducting herself in a similar manner

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I think if this guy wanted to be in a relationship with her, you'd be seeing the last of her. She's attracted to you to some extent but appears to be biding her time for this guy to come around.

 

If she genuinely wanted to pursue a relationship with you, this other guy never would have been mentioned. Scale back on the contact and see if she manages to initiate for a change. It's also a good idea to keep meeting and dating other women, so your focus isn't on this situation.

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Thanks O'Mally. i'll take that advice into consideration.

 

when you say scale back on the contact, what do you mean? how often should i be calling/texting her and meeting with her in person?

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meerkat stew
I think if this guy wanted to be in a relationship with her' date=' you'd be seeing the last of her. [/quote']

 

I don't think so, unless she is just sexually compulsive or has no self-control. She might go out with OP, but wouldn't be getting in bed with him so fast and close to sex if she was really into the other guy.

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Ruby Slippers
I think if this guy wanted to be in a relationship with her, you'd be seeing the last of her. She's attracted to you to some extent but appears to be biding her time for this guy to come around.

 

If she genuinely wanted to pursue a relationship with you, this other guy never would have been mentioned.

Exactly. If I were casually dating one guy, then met another guy I really liked, I wouldn't bring up the old guy, and CERTAINLY wouldn't talk about him and how much I like him (!!) to the new guy. I would be honest about dating someone else casually, but if I liked the new guy, I would probably hint that old guy would likely be out of the picture soon.

 

In fact, I have been in this situation, and I broke off the lame dating episode with old guy after one or two dates with new guy, who became a 3 1/2 year boyfriend.

 

You are second fiddle, at best. As a female, if I were in your place, that would be the end of it for me. I think that if I were male, I would also split, as I'd rather be with a woman crazy about me than one who chooses me because the guy she really wants doesn't want her. But maybe you (and other men) don't care about being the consolation prize, as long as you get the girl. That's your call.

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Ruby Slippers
its not that she doesnt respond to me, she has never ignored me or rejected a date. its just that she doesnt initiate contact with me on her own.

Most women don't initiate contact, especially in the early stages, so this is normal. Even after that, I very rarely do. I have found that things work much better when the guy initiates most of the contact.

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Exactly. If I were casually dating one guy, then met another guy I really liked, I wouldn't bring up the old guy, and CERTAINLY wouldn't talk about him and how much I like him (!!) to the new guy. I would be honest about dating someone else casually, but if I liked the new guy, I would probably hint that old guy would likely be out of the picture soon.

 

In fact, I have been in this situation, and I broke off the lame dating episode with old guy after one or two dates with new guy, who became a 3 1/2 year boyfriend.

 

You are second fiddle, at best. As a female, if I were in your place, that would be the end of it for me. I think that if I were male, I would also split, as I'd rather be with a woman crazy about me than one who chooses me because the guy she really wants doesn't want her. But maybe you (and other men) don't care about being the consolation prize, as long as you get the girl. That's your call.

 

Thank you for your commentary Ruby. If she does have serious feelings for this guy i certainly dont wanna be her "backup plan"

 

However, there are two things that throw me off. First, when i asked her if they were serious she said "not really. im just seeing what's out there" as if she was trying to downplay it. She said she just thought i should know she's seeing him (i guess since me and her have gotten physical to an extent). Also, when i am around her she does act "crazy about me". she cant keep her hands off me. What do you think of all this?

 

I'm supposed to be hanging out with her sometime this week. Do you think now is too soon to give her an ultimatum? I mean we've only been dating for two weeks now and at this point i really wouldnt expect her to drop someone that she's been seeing prior to dating me.

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Me personally, I wouldn't tolerate that. If she's expecting me to initiate all the contact, she's history. I want someone that will initiate contact at an equal level. As for your situation, she's banging the other guy and hoping he wants a relationship, which he clearly doesn't. That would be enough for me to take off. I don't believe in dating multiple people, or dating one and banging another.

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It's possible she isn't sure if you want her to contact her... When I am dating a guy I usually let him do most of the initiating so I don't seem too eager.

 

Next time you guys are hanging out mention offhand that you want her to text/call you more.

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Hi guys. I've decided that its probably in my best interest to halt all of my efforts towards this girl. For starters, I beleive that it may me be a waste of my time, and Im almost certain that im more invested than she is.

 

On saturday afternoon i gave her a call asking if she wanted to hang out later. She says "Sure, but im going out with some friends to Dave & Busters later. But we could hang out afterwards." I tell her cool and that I would text her around 8 to check up.

 

So I text her at about 8:10. At maybe 9:15 she responds by saying that she would be home in about 30 minutes. I tell her cool and that I would be there around 10:30. She responds to this by texting "Can we just move this to another day? I wasnt expecting to get home so late but im also not driving. Sorry" to which i said "Sure no prob. Just let me know the next time you wanna do something." She said she would and apologizes again.

 

I've decided that that text will be the last time i contact her unless she initiates something with me. I'm not that upset that she canceled on me last night, considering it was kinda late. BUT i just cant shake this feeling that she's not all that interested in my company.

 

Regardless of how much she's all over me when we're together; It seems like im always the one to initiate contact and set up future dates, and im tired of making myself available for her to pick and choose what's convinient for her. I have seen zero effort from her to keep things rolling. I know that im the one who approached her, and that society in general says that the man has to put most of the effort into the courtship phase, but this seems totally unbalanced.

 

So unless she magically starts initiating contact with me making me feel as if my presence in her life is wanted, that will be the last time we speak. I'm kinda bumbed out about everything since I was starting to like her, but im sure I'll be over it in a couple of weeks once I get back into the swing of college life. If anything changes between us i'll let you guys know. Sorry for the rant lol

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And this my friends, is why the woman must put in an equal effort in initiating.

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Playing games is so juvenile. I ran into something similar. My girlfriend before dating me admitted that she wasn't the clingy type; "I'll see you when I see you". I remember she told me that after we had our first kiss. With that said she had no idea who she was talking too. At the end of the week I told her we should just be friends but she owed me lunch.

 

I started dating again, and I'm pretty sure she was keeping her options open too. But she wasn't worried about men in general. She was always hanging out with her girl friends more then anything. For me, I was going on dates pretty consistently with another interest. I remember mentioning it to a friend of my current girlfriend. Because of that she ended up finding out about the "other girl".

 

The week afterward I get a text saying, "I still owe you that lunch". For the next 5 months that was the current trend. It was like huge #$%@ game. I've always been "real". But because I liked her so much I became too nice. Sometimes you just need to put your foot down and say, "what the hell do you want"?

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the OP's girl tried that tactic and it backfired to say the least(or maybe she just wasn't intrested who knows) but I have never understood why women always want to play games like that by not wanting to seem eager and not wanting the man to know that she is intrested.... why would any man want the woman to act that way?

 

I would guess it's because as a woman she doesn't want sex, right? Remember no woman wants sex so why would she possibly be interested.

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