Limits of Being Cocky/Funny

[ConflictedGuy27]

many of you, I would suspect, have either heard of or maybe even used an attraction style on women known as being "cocky & funny."

 

for those that aren't aware, google it - and you'll see it involves communicating with women in a way that can be very playful and often times triggers some emotional hiccup that I've noticed gets women either very interested, if not somewhat attracted, and usually they'll play back.

 

in any event, I'm on this date last night, which I scored being rather cocky/funny and it worked like a charm building enough interest and curiousity to want to go out. so we do.

 

good date all things considered, but I noticed, after the fact, how little I complemented her, in lieu of busting her chops or making her laugh.

 

we had a great time, I touched her a lot, gazed at her, she'd touch back n nudge under the table with her foot to get my attention, so the non verbals were there; however, being a cocky/funny dude only takes one so far I noticed.

 

although she was very receptive to the cocky funny approach (initially and sprinkled here & there during the date) I noticed she was seeking validation and complements from me that I wasn't delivering as often I think she was used to.

 

cocky/funny works, however I don't think it helps to make a woman feel sexy. it works like a charm at building enough interest to get them on the date one on one. at some point it seems a mix of the "nice guy" must be thrown into pot for validation and complements sake.

 

we kissed for a bit, but she was leery going any further on the first date (her exact words were "I'm a good girl... and I don't cave this early in the relationship"); which I respect; however, I wonder if my primary, cocky and funny approach painted me as a guy with no long term romantic interest (which I don't have). I seemed to get that vibe; although she said we should get together again.

 

anyway, I thought I'd open up a thread regarding the limits of using a cocky/funny approach. bottom like, it's gold initially and you'll get dates using it - in my experience - yet I can't help but notice that it's useless for helping a man validate a female - e.g. conversation skill, beauty, etc.

 

thoughts?

[carhill]

Another perspective is two-fold:

 

1. If she's otherwise attracted to you, barring a major f*ck-up, your approach is irrelevant. So, cocky and funny can work. So can quiet and introspective. So can social butterfly. etc, etc.

 

2. What appears to 'work' is totally dependent on her reaction, as perceived by you. Caution: I've been fooled (temporarily) enough by women wearing masks (of their psyche) to know that what in the beginning seems like a really positive 'she's into me' response, can be a manufactured one; think of how Lizzie always talked about women faking orgasms and a man could never tell. Yep, that's about it.

 

So, IMO, do what you do, and time will tell if it brings compatible partners into your life. Enjoy! That's job #1

[Yamaha]

It's for getting laid. Just another PUA bag of tricks.

 

If you want to get to know someone you have to b yourself and throw out the bag of tricks. ( doesn't mean you can't b funny but it should b part of your personality not just a means to get laid ).

[Feelin Frisky]

Well, it seems you realize what you did wrong. If you see her again, try to be more complimentary where necessary. I don't subscribe to that kind of teasing approach and I absolutely hate when a woman presumes it's flirtatious to play dominance games with me. I wish I had an ejector seat in my car for the last girl I dated this year. Her cocky criticisms chaffed me raw. She told me I don't know how to drive a stick--this is my fourth car with a five speed and I never had a clutch problem. She doesn't drive at all. So wtf? Press the damn ejector seat button. I took her back to her place and it started raining hard. She said "you don't have to go home". I preferred to go home rather than spend the night with her. Syonarra honey, you cut your own throat with that leveraging BS.

[TaraMaiden]

I think it's simply a question of watching how things go and trying to achieve a balance....

 

Sometimes, cocky and funny is great and suits the moment, but 'you' have to know when to rein it back. It requires that people 'read' the mood and situation, and be mindful of the moment when 'cocky and funny' is going to fall flat on its face.

 

There was a poster here who was a little concerned that her funny, amusing, witty and playful BF unfortunately took that mood into the bedroom, and reduced what she fervently hoped would be a bodice-ripping passionate hot moment, to a juvenile and immature one - which was a turn off.....

 

Striking a balance, would be the secret....

[Sabali]

Well, it seems you realize what you did wrong. If you see her again, try to be more complimentary where necessary. I don't subscribe to that kind of teasing approach and I absolutely hate when a woman presumes it's flirtatious to play dominance games with me. I wish I had an ejector seat in my car for the last girl I dated this year. Her cocky criticisms chaffed me raw. She told me I don't know how to drive a stick--this is my fourth car with a five speed and I never had a clutch problem. She doesn't drive at all. So wtf? Press the damn ejector seat button. I took her back to her place and it started raining hard. She said "you don't have to go home". I preferred to go home rather than spend the night with her. Syonarra honey, you cut your own throat with that leveraging BS.

 

Frisky, are you sure you didn't miss a joke from her. That drive a stick shift line is usually given by men but maybe it was a twist on it while you were actually driving a stick shift. I am just wondering.

 

By the way, if you ain't cocky or funny, I can imagine this concept not working for a person. People who are funny are often naturally funny. I just don't think it can be faked well.

Edited August 7, 2010 by Sabali

[that girl]

Oh how I hate dating advice for men.

 

Cocky funny is very vague.

 

It can be someone who is complimenting you at the same time as teasing you.

 

It can be someone who is rude or critical with a smile with a smile.

 

How a woman responds depends on a lot on her personality, her mood and how interested she is in you. But the second one is a lot more likely to turn someone off.

 

cocky and funny approach painted me as a guy with no long term romantic interest (which I don't have).

If you don't want a girlfriend, dating just seems like asking for trouble to me. Hang out in bars and clubs and try to get girls to go home with you. Maybe one date maximum. But if you're taking women on multiple dates when you know you don't want anything long term, you are misleading them and the bunny boiler potential is high. Plus, it doesn't seem like a great use of your time.

[carhill]

Press the damn ejector seat button.

I know exactly what you mean

 

Cocky/funny, from three cats and a mouse:

 

Married woman: "I got delayed" (she was half hour late to leave on a trip with us).

 

Me: 'Yeah, you'll make it up to me tonight'

 

Then, later, in the car.....

 

Married woman: 'Yeah, I've been feeling fat lately. Just started back to the gym last week'

 

Me, looking in rear view mirror (she was in the back seat): 'Why, so you can look like a man?'

 

What happened that evening was inappropriate but likely a result of that interaction. Yes, my wife was in the car...

 

True story..

[ConflictedGuy27]

If you don't want a girlfriend, dating just seems like asking for trouble to me. Hang out in bars and clubs and try to get girls to go home with you. Maybe one date maximum. But if you're taking women on multiple dates when you know you don't want anything long term, you are misleading them and the bunny boiler potential is high. Plus, it doesn't seem like a great use of your time.

 

sigh... I dunno WTF I want... lol. I love being able to call up a women and do the whole date night, let's spend time together thing.

 

my nature is very romantic by default, you know? I want somebody that I can do that stuff with but isn't like an every day, you and me, let's hang out kinda deal.

 

I guess I'd want a gf like that; but I have rarely met such a creature. lol. certainly after sex is involved, things get very clingy.

[zengirl]

It's for getting laid. Just another PUA bag of tricks.

 

If you want to get to know someone you have to b yourself and throw out the bag of tricks. ( doesn't mean you can't b funny but it should b part of your personality not just a means to get laid ).

 

An awesome comment.

 

Consciously withholding compliments doesn't work any more than slobbering them on at building a healthy relationship. For either gender. I don't think playfulness is ever bad on its own, but I can see a fellow who is trying the silly put-down stuff from a mile away.

 

That said, it doesn't sound like you're looking for anything real, OP, so I don't know. I think that girl hit the nail on the head with the whole, why date then? If you're coming off with a fellow with no long-term intentions, that's a good thing. . . it means you're coming off as you.

[ConflictedGuy27]

An awesome comment.

 

Consciously withholding compliments doesn't work any more than slobbering them on at building a healthy relationship. For either gender. I don't think playfulness is ever bad on its own, but I can see a fellow who is trying the silly put-down stuff from a mile away.

 

That said, it doesn't sound like you're looking for anything real, OP, so I don't know. I think that girl hit the nail on the head with the whole, why date then? If you're coming off with a fellow with no long-term intentions, that's a good thing. . . it means you're coming off as you.

 

It's a conflict within me I think. wanting women, while determining WHAT I want from women (as well as what I'd like to give) long term. I've given it a lotta thought and think I need some more time single, I suppose. at least for the purpose of thinking things through without unnecessarily effing with young girls/women.

 

bleh.

[meerkat stew]

I noticed she was seeking validation and complements from me that I wasn't delivering as often I think she was used to.

 

Well, forgetting the cocky/funny debate for a minute, the above is how you know you are doing things right. You are letting her know subtextually that you aren't a fount of "giving her what she wants" at least until she earns it. You are being different, yet still engaging her and hitting the right buttons to build attraction. Talk is cheap, individuality rare, do the math.

 

Of course it wasn't what she is used to, she is used to 90% of the lame men in the world fawning on her, not the 10% that don't give away the store too early. Stick to your guns, who knows how things will turn out but sounds like you are doing a good job of building attraction so far. IMO, you shouldn't be doing -any- complimenting at all at this stage.

[zengirl]

I think "complimenting" is a difficult term. I give compliments freely in the world -- even to strangers! -- when I see something I actually admire. I think it is lame to hold back such compliments, just as it is lame to feed them to someone or fawn over someone. I also think it's lame to try "insult and recover" tactics when dating; it works on some, but nobody healthy.

 

People who are constantly complimenting inane things are just silly, as are people who need a constant stream of compliments in interaction. Both are signs of insecurity. As is withholding sincere compliments and attention to get someone to like you.

 

It's a conflict within me I think. wanting women, while determining WHAT I want from women (as well as what I'd like to give) long term. I've given it a lotta thought and think I need some more time single, I suppose. at least for the purpose of thinking things through without unnecessarily effing with young girls/women.

 

bleh.

 

Well, that sounds fairly normal, and not like what I saw above. I think part of deciding what you want involves dating. There's nothing wrong with dating a girl and not being serious about her, so long as you don't pretend you do. I thought you were actually closed off entirely to a long-term situation from your first post. It sounds more like you just don't want to be in a relationship with a girl you don't dig... being in touch with someone every day probably wouldn't be a big deal if you met a gal with her own stuff that was right for you. Just don't be a jerk about finding her.

[ConflictedGuy27]

IMO, you shouldn't be doing -any- complimenting at all at this stage.

 

I agree with your opinion here.

good advice.

[ConflictedGuy27]

There's nothing wrong with dating a girl and not being serious about her, so long as you don't pretend you do. I thought you were actually closed off entirely to a long-term situation from your first post. It sounds more like you just don't want to be in a relationship with a girl you don't dig... being in touch with someone every day probably wouldn't be a big deal if you met a gal with her own stuff that was right for you. Just don't be a jerk about finding her.

 

this is why I love having female friends; the advise usually has some point or counter point a man may over look.

 

I overlooked that the dating process is necessary in determining what people want, WHILE they're actually figuring it all out. brilliant.

 

and no worries about me being a jerk during the search, I'm a gentlemen by nature, even though I flirt a lot (I know where the boundaries are).

 

being completely honest with myself, I think I was a bit bummed about the Friday thing because I like her, but our reasons for dating don't mesh, so it'll likely not be a match for me. so what I did was just default to hooking up with her - which didn't work. lol. brakes @ 1st base.

 

I learned a lot about myself on that one. hmm...

[Feelin Frisky]

Frisky, are you sure you didn't miss a joke from her. That drive a stick shift line is usually given by men but maybe it was a twist on it while you were actually driving a stick shift. I am just wondering.

 

By the way, if you ain't cocky or funny, I can imagine this concept not working for a person. People who are funny are often naturally funny. I just don't think it can be faked well.

 

I took it lightly the first time. But she started repeating it like it was some kind of fun which to me it was annoying. I know what it is to be cocky funny but I don't aim my saucy sense of humor at my date. I try to get her to laugh with me and bounce our wits back and forth about this or that but I really despise games of dominance and submission--that's a game that leads to resentment.

 

I agree with the part that I bolded. And I have a lot of fun being clever with the ladies. It's important to me to have wits and a good sense of humor but the difference from some so-thought "cocky-funny" approaches is that I see them as a smoke screen for insecurities and thus a self consumption which results in insensitivity to other party's "senses" of humor, boundaries and proportions. A person comfortable with themselves doesn't need to look for edges over their date--it's puerile.

[jadedone]

a recent example from a date: The girl works at an animal hospital and animals are her passion.

 

Her: Do you like animals?

 

me: Depends on how they taste.

[Feelin Frisky]

a recent example from a date: The girl works at an animal hospital and animals are her passion.

 

Her: Do you like animals?

 

me: Depends on how they taste.

 

Ha. Reminds me of this TV show I saw yesterday: Aftermath with William Shatner, where he had Bernard Goetz, the NYC subway vigilante on and covered the story of his shooting four black youths on a train.

 

Shatner: Do you think that if all this didn't happen you would have found somebody and maybe married and have kids?

 

Goetz: Yeah maybe but it's a little to late for me. The real love of my life now is my squirrel. (In other words: people bad, deserve bullets. Squirrel good, deserves pedestal).

[dispatch3d]

"I don't usually cave this early in a relationship"

 

translation

 

"I have caved this early in a relationship multiple times and regretted it. I don't want to be used so I'm going to do my best not to have sex with you. Even though I really want to"

 

and yeah I also believe at some points you need to turn the cocky-funny off and just be normal. At some point you should go into a comfort stage which I think would involve less flirting (cocky funny). Obviously don't shut it completely off, but reduce it a lot. Get to know her and have valid reasons for liking her, then before you get busy you can turn up the attraction type stuff again to get her going.

[ConflictedGuy27]

"I don't usually cave this early in a relationship"

 

translation

 

"I have caved this early in a relationship multiple times and regretted it. I don't want to be used so I'm going to do my best not to have sex with you. Even though I really want to"

 

and yeah I also believe at some points you need to turn the cocky-funny off and just be normal. At some point you should go into a comfort stage which I think would involve less flirting (cocky funny). Obviously don't shut it completely off, but reduce it a lot. Get to know her and have valid reasons for liking her, then before you get busy you can turn up the attraction type stuff again to get her going.

 

Thanks dude. great read.

She doesn't want to end up in a FWB situation I think. When I think about it from her perspective, it was certainly in her better interest NOT to sleep with me on the first date; if she really does like me.

 

I would have immediately placed her in the FWB category and engaged her mostly in that capacity, if we did sleep together so soon.

[MyNameIsJonas]

I think a lot of people confuse the "cocky/funny" routine with the standard time-tested "sarcastic" routine. Generally, I've seen better reception among women with the latter over the former. Note I said "women" as the cocky/funny routine works wonders if you are going after a "girl" as opposed to a "woman."

 

I think the best approach for the initial conversation is smiling, making jokes, then once the woman is comfortable with you and your personality, you can start with the sarcasm. You can use this tactic once the woman knows that you are kidding. I've also had a lot of personal success with when you zero in on something a woman says, then "call them out" on it later.

 

I also don't deal out compliments too often, only because I feel that a occasional great compliment signficantly outweights the more-frequent good compliment. Plus I try to work the originality angle so I stay away from the over-used compliments (smell, dress, smile,etc). A recent example was last week when I asked a younger woman if it was possible for anyone to be in a bad mood after talking with her (she had a rather perky, bubbly personality). She liked that.

 

I should also mention that I define "success" as future dates; I'm not commenting on the ONS/dark side of this.

[ConflictedGuy27]

I think a lot of people confuse the "cocky/funny" routine with the standard time-tested "sarcastic" routine. Generally, I've seen better reception among women with the latter over the former. Note I said "women" as the cocky/funny routine works wonders if you are going after a "girl" as opposed to a "woman."

 

I think the best approach for the initial conversation is smiling, making jokes, then once the woman is comfortable with you and your personality, you can start with the sarcasm. You can use this tactic once the woman knows that you are kidding. I've also had a lot of personal success with when you zero in on something a woman says, then "call them out" on it later.

 

I also don't deal out compliments too often, only because I feel that a occasional great compliment signficantly outweights the more-frequent good compliment. Plus I try to work the originality angle so I stay away from the over-used compliments (smell, dress, smile,etc). A recent example was last week when I asked a younger woman if it was possible for anyone to be in a bad mood after talking with her (she had a rather perky, bubbly personality). She liked that.

 

I should also mention that I define "success" as future dates; I'm not commenting on the ONS/dark side of this.

 

Now that you mention this, I believe you're right. Depending on maturity level/emotional state of the target, cocky/funny is a great initial opener to build interest and get a date going, but as the relationship moves forward (on first date, and beyond) it must be downshifted in lieu of perhaps the sarcasm.

 

Good post.

[TheLoneSock]

I think this type of thing is overrated and obnoxious. If you are not confident and witty in your natural element, and are using this as a cheap replacement for the real thing, she'll see right through it - and you, deservedly, will go home with your hand and continue reading up on PUA tricks.

 

Too many guys looking for a quick fix to get them a quick lay. It screams 'loser'.

[ConflictedGuy27]

 

You should have responded with something cocky such as, oh we're already in a relationship? and you're already thinking about sex? This was just an innocent kiss, you're moving way too fast for me.

 

pure gold.

[MyNameIsJonas]

I hate to threadjack but this JadedHearts poster sounds a lot like the same marketed crap by David DeAngelo and his doubleyourdating.com website.

 

3 posts and he writes that much? Suspicious. I keep waiting for the website/book bomb to drop.

 

For the record, that dude, his site, and a lot of the same stuff written by this "JadedHearts" poster does not work on emotionally stable women. They see right through it and just walk away.

 

Not trying to start a flame war but I wanted to get this out there before momentum starts building for this dating "tactic."