Tessa Posted August 7, 2003 Share Posted August 7, 2003 My bf and I have been together for about 2 1/2 years. Lately, we have been really bored. His current job does not pay all that much and I am trying to be understanding of that. In other words, we go out every now and again. However, if we are not going out, we seem to be bored. Perfect example, he came over tonight at 6:30pm. We ate, he checked his email and now he is on his way home(8:10pm). It seems that we are in some sort of rut. How do we get out of this? I make suggestions, but he is not open to any of them. I need help... Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted August 7, 2003 Share Posted August 7, 2003 time to be creative. ruts can kill relationships. i know it killed my one of 2 years. i would reccomend setting 2 days a week to going out and doing something special. maybe a picnic in the park, go swimming in the local pool, do yardwork together, walk your pet together, go to the 2 dollar theater. i would suggest you guys get to doing stuff soon!! boredom can be bad...but sometimes its ok Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tessa Posted August 7, 2003 Author Share Posted August 7, 2003 I have tried making all of these suggestions, but nothing seems to get him motivated. Other computers have that power. I know boredom can kill relationships. I don't want it to kill this one. Should I bring this up to him? Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted August 7, 2003 Share Posted August 7, 2003 totally, yeah. that scares me because my ex was that way...didnt want to do anything with me....but yet when i ended the relationship all of a sudden he wanted to do EVERYTHING. so i would watch out. i hope he knows to not take it for granted...your man needs to know what he has Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tessa Posted August 7, 2003 Author Share Posted August 7, 2003 He is not much of the talking type. Everytime I try to bring up anything remotely related to our relationship, he does everything in his power to change the subject. Or avoid it all together. Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted August 7, 2003 Share Posted August 7, 2003 is that working for you? would you rather be out of this relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tessa Posted August 7, 2003 Author Share Posted August 7, 2003 I want to see the relationship work. We do have a lot in common and enjoy doing the same things. Just lately, there are no funds. We put a puzzle together on Saturday night. That is how bored we are. I don't want out. I just want something to do...Help! Link to post Share on other sites
luvmyboys Posted August 7, 2003 Share Posted August 7, 2003 How I wish I had time to be bored! I felt the same way, but that was 20 years ago. Now I don't have enough minutes in the day to do what I need to do. Why not clean house or volunteer to help out the less fortunate once a week or so. You'll stay busy and also take pride in doing something that helps someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tessa Posted August 9, 2003 Author Share Posted August 9, 2003 So now he says now only is he bored, but now I am smothering him. You know that is really hard to do when we don't see one another. He's at his house and I am at mine. I was talking to my shrink about this whole situation and she seems to think that my bf is seriously depressed. He doesn't want to do anything. He doesn't want to go anywhere. He doesn't want to be around anyone, other than his mom & dad. Not to mention, he locks himself in his room with computer and just looses track of time. This definitely sounds like depression to me. When he started pulling this BS of game, I hung up. Yes, I cried like a little kid, but I was not crying because of him. I was crying because I don't have a life outside of him. We would do everything together(on the weekends, during the week we both work). I went to a friend's house and just talked and cried. Then I finally came to my senses. I am not calling him or even emailing him. We are supposed to go out on a boat with a friend of mine tomorrow. I think it will be only me going. He says I'm smothering him then he can spend all the time he wants alone. I will go out and have the fun, without him. Why are men like this? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 I think you've answered your own question. You need to have other friends and other interests. It's a lot to put on a person to make them your only source of fun, entertainment, and companionship. And if he's depressed, that's even worse because he can't manage to entertain himself, much less you. Do go places without him and try to connect with old friends if you dropped them for him. You need to make more of a life for yourself - then he can be your partner rather than your sole emotional support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tessa Posted August 9, 2003 Author Share Posted August 9, 2003 So, basically, I just leave him alone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tessa Posted August 9, 2003 Author Share Posted August 9, 2003 anyone?...I am going crazy here... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 Don't leave him alone all the time. Find a balance between spending time with him and doing things with other people. Link to post Share on other sites
Dragonfly Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 You don't have to leave him alone, just give yourself some space to have your own fun. Give yourself the freedom to have friends, or do things on your own, and make yourself happy. Then you can spend time with him, and share your recent experiences. Maybe he will see that you are able to be happy and lively on your own, and get motivated to do something as well! I have been there recently, boredom is not a fun thing, and once I reconnected with myself, my friends, my own life, it made things smoother for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tessa Posted August 9, 2003 Author Share Posted August 9, 2003 What about now, today. I have not heard from him all day. No emails, no phone calls. Should I just wait for him to call or do I not play this stupid game and call him? Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted August 9, 2003 Share Posted August 9, 2003 don't contact him... the guy said he feels smothered!!! -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tessa Posted August 10, 2003 Author Share Posted August 10, 2003 Why does this have to be some sort of game? I have never understood this. All of you do know that I totally disagree with the smothered thing. We don't see one another enough to feel that way. I think it's all in his head. Then again, what the hell do I know... I'm sorry if that sounds mean, but I am just tired of games. Life should not be about who calls who. It should be about taking chances... Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 i don't see any games here... the guy said he feels smothered, doesn't matter if you agree, but conatcting him will only make him feel even more smothered. why not stay quiet for a while, and let him seek your company once he's past the smothered thing? -yes Link to post Share on other sites
longlegzs80 Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 I don't understand why everything you do has to revolve around money. Since you or your man doesn't make alot of money, why can't you do things like going to the beach, taking walks in the park, playing tennis, go to the park, making dinner for him or he makes dinner for you. There are so many options. Don't just sit around and complain about being bored, do something about it. When the money situation is somewhat good, then go out for a night of fun. But until that happens do stuff that does not cost money or at least alot of money. EXAMPLES: beach, parks, boat rides, tennis at park, hiking, riding bikes. Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tessa Posted August 10, 2003 Author Share Posted August 10, 2003 I have made all of these suggestions...He doesn't want to do anything unless it involves a computer. He is the one that is making it difficult...there is no motivation... Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 i'm sorry to put it this way, but what makes you think he's interested in having a relationship with you, then? -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tessa Posted August 10, 2003 Author Share Posted August 10, 2003 We have been together for 2 1/2 years....he gets this way...as a matter of fact, I think all men get this way when they're scared. It makes them feel in control...even though we know better. I know he will come around...I am just tired of the BS...that's all. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 If he's been saying he feels 'smothered', then don't call. He should figure out that you heard him and that you are respecting his wish and he should appreciate that. Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousa Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 Originally posted by yes i'm sorry to put it this way, but what makes you think he's interested in having a relationship with you, then? -yes My thoughts excactly! Tessa, it is possible that he is seriously depressed, the signs could be there - but if he is, the only way this would change if HE decides to get help for it, nothing you can do about ... - I repeat, NOTHING .... - after having lived with a dbf for 6+ years that's the lesson I learned, it's hard living with an untreated depressive - and it will grind you down, especially if you end up - and you are prone to - trying to be supportive. So, tell him your concerns, but you cannot force him to get himself checked out for depression. Now, depression might only be ONE explanation for his behaviour - it might actually really be that he does want out of the relationship but doesn't know how to break it to you or is just scared of hurting you. What you describe actually was my behaviour in the last year with my xbf - was my way of emotionally disentangle myself from the relationship, only when I realised it I actually had the strength to walk up to him and say "sorry - this is it" ... Maybe you should write him a letter, to ask him about your thoughts and concerns - although I prefer doing this in person, it would put him too much on the spot if you did it face-to-face, so chances are he would block off or get defensive ... - but writing a letter might give him a chance to reflect on it and give you an answer of what is wrong and where you are going from there ... Mind you, it might not be the answer you want to hear, but it seems the right time to find "if " there still is a relationship, to start with .... Link to post Share on other sites
Tree Posted August 10, 2003 Share Posted August 10, 2003 Yes, it sounds as if your BF would rather be left alone. There is only so much you can do FOR him. In the end, he is his own person, and he has the ability and responsiblity to act on his own behalf. It appears that he is doing so by indicating that he would rather be left alone. That appears to be his decision. Your decision seems to be not to want to let go, and to try and lead him out of it. It seems like you have already tried this and it doesn't work. I think it is very wise that you have begun to rekindle friendships outside of him. Going on the boat trip, for instance, seems like a very positive thing. Of course, he is not there to enjoy it with you, but it appears he is not there to enjoy a lot of the things you like to do. In the final analysis, you may want to ask yourself if this is how you would like to see yourself a few years down the road. If you are OK with that, then at least you will have dealt with the situation head-on and have made a pro-active decision on your behalf. If you are not OK with that, then at least you can look at the situation honestly and deal with it. I believe that is the crux to many relationship "problems." Being honest with yourself about what is there and not living in your imagination of woulds, coulds and shoulds. That makes for an unsatisfying relationship. Just a note: my BF of many years has shown lackluster interest in our relationship and so I applied to grad school to start this fall. The shadow of me being serious about leaving has, in the past month, made him do a significant change in behavior. (see string "priority: career or love" in 'general relationship') I had assumed that my BF was uninterested in me and his change in behavior is unexpected and quite nice. I am still unsure what this means though... I am trying to discern between my own imagination and wishful thinking on the one hand, and not giving him the benefit of the doubt on the other - with the reality of the situation. It is frustrating trying to figure this out, as I was ready to make the move out - and then at the last minute I get other info. Be careful what you ask for - you just might get it! Link to post Share on other sites
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