Girlfriend and Coworker

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't usually start threads, but I've been kind of struggling with this one.

 

I recently ended my relationship because my GF was cheating on me with a coworker. I'm not really sure where it went wrong or what happened. It's not really the first time I've run into this issue.

 

I was given a promotion at work that increased my weekly hours by 5 or 6 hours a week and required me to travel 4 days a month. She seemed really excited about it, especially the raise. I decided to get her a present and she wanted a breast augmentation, so I bought it. It cost a huge amount of money. I'm really sure that within 2 weeks of that she was cheating on me... if not beforehand.

 

She had me drive this guy around because he doesn't have a car. She is 29 he is 46. He has a history of cocaine use, and womanizing. He also has some bisexual tendencies, and has never been married, or had many long term relationships. I can say however that he is in good shape for a man his age and looks like he is in his early 40's.

 

Bottom line is... I don't think it had anything to do with him.

 

My biggest issue is.... I just don't feel confident anymore. I've been dating for a few months, but its a huge struggle. I'm sure this will work itself out over time... It's just every time this happens it takes longer and longer to move on.

[ascendotum]

I have heard of a handful of stories similar to yours now where the husband/boyfriend has paid for cosmetic surgery for their partner and then soon after they have been busted cheating or she decides to end the relationship and very quickly moves in with someone else. The sudden boost to their self esteem makes them want to take advantage of it or it gives them the confidence in themselves to move on. The stab to heart I feel would be more devastating in situations such as this.

 

I once had a chubby girlfriend who I encouraged to join me at the gym which she was reluctant to do. I helped her with her program and she really transformed her figure and her confidence and then promptly broke up with me to get with a guy she always liked but who wouldn't have a bar of her because she was overweight. Pissed me off at the time but such is life...just made me a little bit more cynical.

 

Sorry to hear of your current circumstances. It is only natural to lose confidence after a break up and in my opinion more so when your partner was cheating on you. If dating is a huge struggle just don't do it. Its not fair on any of the women you go out with unless they are up for short term action, though sport f*****g does act as therapy for some guys after a break up.

 

Take some time off to just chill out on your own or with with your friends more. Focus more on your career or some hobbies for a while. You don't have to date if you don't feel like it. Some of the women I have known over the years drop out of the dating scene for 2,3,4+ years after a bad break up. Hope it doesn't take too long to get your mojo back.

Edited July 21, 2010 by ascendotum

[Untouchable_Fire]

I have heard of a handful of stories similar to yours now where the husband/boyfriend has paid for cosmetic surgery for their partner and then soon after they have been busted cheating or she decides to end the relationship and very quickly moves in with someone else. The sudden boost to their self esteem makes them want to take advantage of it or it gives them the confidence in themselves to move on. The stab to heart I feel would be more devastating in situations such as this.

I once had a chubby girlfriend who I encouraged to join me at the gym which she was reluctant to do. I helped her with her program and she really transformed her figure and her confidence and then promptly broke up with me to get with a guy she always liked but who wouldn't have a bar of her because she was overweight. Pissed me off at the time but such is life...just made me a little bit more cynical.

Sorry to hear of your current circumstances. It is only natural to lose confidence after a break up and in my opinion more so when your partner was cheating on you. If dating is a huge struggle just don't do it. Its not fair on any of the women you go out with unless they are up for short term action, though sport f*****g does act as therapy for some guys after a break up.

Take some time off to just chill out on your own or with with your friends more. Focus more on your career or some hobbies for a while. You don't have to date if you don't feel like it. Some of the women I have known over the years drop out of the dating scene for 2,3,4+ years after a bad break up. Hope it doesn't take too long to get your mojo back.

 

She was a bit overweight most of our relationship. She lost 40lbs in the 3 months prior to surgery. I thought it was good at the time because then we were both athletic.

 

Thanks. I'm not really interested in random hookups or anything like that. I just want someone to see me and believe I'm worth it.

 

I don't really understand the problem. People in general love me, I'm really attractive, I have a great career... ect.

 

No, when I say I've lost confidence... it's all over the place. At work I stutter and stammer my way through presentations, everyone has seen a huge drop in my work performance. I gained some weight... not a ton, but enough that my clothes are now tight.

 

I don't even know why I'm typing this other than the fact that I can't sleep. I just can't see what I did wrong.

[Allisha]

She was a bit overweight most of our relationship. She lost 40lbs in the 3 months prior to surgery. I thought it was good at the time because then we were both athletic.

 

Thanks. I'm not really interested in random hookups or anything like that. I just want someone to see me and believe I'm worth it.

 

I don't really understand the problem. People in general love me, I'm really attractive, I have a great career... ect.

 

No, when I say I've lost confidence... it's all over the place. At work I stutter and stammer my way through presentations, everyone has seen a huge drop in my work performance. I gained some weight... not a ton, but enough that my clothes are now tight.

 

I don't even know why I'm typing this other than the fact that I can't sleep. I just can't see what I did wrong.

 

You know what?

 

Some people are just morons. It's as simple as that.

What you did "wrong" was provide your GIRLFRIEND with something she wanted - there is nothing wrong with that. At all. She took advantage of your good nature and threw it back in your face.

 

Whether you were a bad boyfriend, or the best in the world; people who have it "in them" to cheat, will do it regardless of how YOU are.

 

Try get some sleep!

[Untouchable_Fire]

You know what?

Some people are just morons. It's as simple as that.

What you did "wrong" was provide your GIRLFRIEND with something she wanted - there is nothing wrong with that. At all. She took advantage of your good nature and threw it back in your face.

Whether you were a bad boyfriend, or the best in the world; people who have it "in them" to cheat, will do it regardless of how YOU are.

Try get some sleep!

 

I wish I could just say she was a moron, or just the cheating type, but she really isn't either one of those. I've known her for a long time, even before I dated her... this is so out of character that I just can't comprehend it.

 

You know... I didn't believe it at first. Even after I saw the text messages and caught her spending the night at his house. I even caught them on a date together and was in partial denial... until I found the hotel receipts. I just can't shake the feeling that this is all my fault.

 

You know my GF before this used to pitch huge fits when I did buy her stuff she wanted. That's why I dumped her.

 

It feels like I'm the one creating the problems here....

[that girl]

Maybe it is just me, but hearing a guy say how he paid for his girlfriend's boob job raises a red flag with me and makes me think something is off on both sides of the relationship.

 

Not that it is anything but awful that she cheated.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Maybe it is just me, but hearing a guy say how he paid for his girlfriend's boob job raises a red flag with me and makes me think something is off on both sides of the relationship.

Not that it is anything but awful that she cheated.

 

What kind of red flags?

 

I wanted to take a trip to Hawaii and was very vocal about believing she didn't need plastic surgery. I made a concerted attempt from very early in our relationship to make her feel secure about this. When I offered her the trip she told me she would rather have the surgery, and I thought it would make her feel better about herself. I really thought she loved me.

[tman666]

I will hop on board with saying that her being so adamant about the boob job over a vacation is a huge red flag. The fact that she'd even ask you to contribute to such a thing speaks volumes about her character.

 

To me, that's no different than her asking, even insisting that you to buy a car for her, followed by her hopping into the shiny new vehicle that YOU paid for and driving to Mexico, never to return.

 

You got taken for a ride, plain and simple. Forget her and learn from the mistake you made by giving into her unreasonable request.

 

It's not your fault that she cheated though. Just be glad you didn't marry her.

[robdrm32]

If you know that you treated her good then its not your fault. Like you, i'm an attractive guy, everyone loves me, i'm smart, athletic blah blah blah, BOTH g/f i've had cheated on me even though i treated them like gold.

 

Both times i'm left wondering what I did wrong but then you have to come to grips. It wasn't you, it was HER. Good people talk to or dump their mate if there is a problem, crappy people cheat, there is no excuse or reason other than they are crappy people.

 

Don't say she "isn't like that" that's trying to rationalize and that's the LAST thing you want to be doing. Cut all ties, grieve and move on. Take it from someone who has been down that road man, if you know in your heart you treated her right then there is nothing you could have done.

 

A cheater is going to cheat regardless of how good their relationship is.

 

It's just a matter of time and how hard they are going to try and cover it up. If you talk to her about it she is going to paint you as the bad guy so really, don't bother.

[Untouchable_Fire]

If you know that you treated her good then its not your fault. Like you, i'm an attractive guy, everyone loves me, i'm smart, athletic blah blah blah, BOTH g/f i've had cheated on me even though i treated them like gold.

Both times i'm left wondering what I did wrong but then you have to come to grips. It wasn't you, it was HER. Good people talk to or dump their mate if there is a problem, crappy people cheat, there is no excuse or reason other than they are crappy people.

Don't say she "isn't like that" that's trying to rationalize and that's the LAST thing you want to be doing. Cut all ties, grieve and move on. Take it from someone who has been down that road man, if you know in your heart you treated her right then there is nothing you could have done.

A cheater is going to cheat regardless of how good their relationship is.

It's just a matter of time and how hard they are going to try and cover it up. If you talk to her about it she is going to paint you as the bad guy so really, don't bother.

 

See... I think once is a fluke... but twice? That is a pattern... and with wildly different personalities.

 

I don't believe she is just messed up. I think I'm doing something wrong... and I can't figure out what. I'm not a pushover... but I'm not some insensitive jerk either. Gah... it's just really frustrating and it's really messing with me.

 

I already know I won't have trouble getting a new GF I never do... but for f*** sake, how do I keep this from happening again?

[WalkInThePark]

I decided to get her a present and she wanted a breast augmentation, so I bought it.

 

I think you make the mistake to pick high maintenance girls as girlfriends. In my eyes, a 29 year old who wants a breast augmentation has psychological problems. I mean, it is not as if she has sagging breasts after having had 5 kids... It means that she is extremely unsure about herself. Then when she got the bigger boobs, she all of a sudden thought she deserved something better (but as you describe the guy, he is a major loser).

 

You think that by being too nice you will be loved but you won't. Nothing wrong with being nice but paying plastic surgery for a woman goes too far.

Read "No more Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover.

[robdrm32]

See... I think once is a fluke... but twice? That is a pattern... and with wildly different personalities.

 

I don't believe she is just messed up. I think I'm doing something wrong... and I can't figure out what. I'm not a pushover... but I'm not some insensitive jerk either. Gah... it's just really frustrating and it's really messing with me.

 

I already know I won't have trouble getting a new GF I never do... but for f*** sake, how do I keep this from happening again?

 

Just confused what do you mean with wildly different personalities?

 

And i'm assuming you mean a pattern as in, i'm causing the cheating?

 

Sure there is a pattern, I ignored red flags and took their word over their actions. I have bad people picking skills, that's the pattern.

 

Doesn't mean I gave them a reason to cheat. I'm very self critical so believe me when I say I treated them good.

 

Again you're blaming yourself man, don't you put any blame on her for what SHE did?

 

Why do you assume that because she cheated there is something wrong with the relationship, and not her?

[Untouchable_Fire]

Just confused what do you mean with wildly different personalities?

And i'm assuming you mean a pattern as in, i'm causing the cheating?

Sure there is a pattern, I ignored red flags and took their word over their actions. I have bad people picking skills, that's the pattern.

Doesn't mean I gave them a reason to cheat. I'm very self critical so believe me when I say I treated them good.

Again you're blaming yourself man, don't you put any blame on her for what SHE did?

Why do you assume that because she cheated there is something wrong with the relationship, and not her?

 

I mean that I've had 2 different GF's cheat in the last 6yrs, and they were wildly different people in terms of personality.

 

I have a really hard time believing that I just ignored all the red flags. There were some things I didn't see... but nothing I ignored. I tend to be really good at people picking when it comes to friends.

 

My big questions are this.... Why didn't she tell me that she was unhappy? Why didn't she just dump me.... or even be honest with me? Do you know that when I confronted her with hotel receipts... she tells me they were just talking... WTF! She just won't come clean and she tried to convince me not to break up, but it felt half hearted.

 

Also... How do I keep this from happening again? I can't marry or have kids with anyone if I don't figure out how to control this issue?

 

Listen... from everything I can tell, it just seems like she spent a lot of time working with this guy, at the same time I was busing moving my career forward.

[robdrm32]

I mean that I've had 2 different GF's cheat in the last 6yrs, and they were wildly different people in terms of personality.

 

I have a really hard time believing that I just ignored all the red flags. There were some things I didn't see... but nothing I ignored. I tend to be really good at people picking when it comes to friends.

 

My big questions are this.... Why didn't she tell me that she was unhappy? Why didn't she just dump me.... or even be honest with me? Do you know that when I confronted her with hotel receipts... she tells me they were just talking... WTF! She just won't come clean and she tried to convince me not to break up, but it felt half hearted.

 

Also... How do I keep this from happening again? I can't marry or have kids with anyone if I don't figure out how to control this issue?

 

Listen... from everything I can tell, it just seems like she spent a lot of time working with this guy, at the same time I was busing moving my career forward.

 

Ah, ok well cheaters don't all look/act alike. There's a large spectrum.

 

Did you ask her why she cheated? If she was unhappy etc.?

 

Honestly it just sounds like she cheated with the nearest option. And i'm sorry to put it this way but that's all you know about.

 

Some things you didn't see meaning were ignorant to or didn't see at the time?

 

Maybe you were just a status symbol for her and not something she really cared about? that's what it seems like.

 

"ooh, Look at my attractive, successful b/f"

 

Sounds childish because it is, but it happens bro.

 

Not trying to be hurtful, i feel for ya I just hate to see you blaming yourself for other people's reckless behavior. look at your own questions above, a good person would talk to/dump you and not go cheat, so SHE has an obvious flaw. I'd like to see you acknowledge that atleast.

[that girl]

I wanted to take a trip to Hawaii and was very vocal about believing she didn't need plastic surgery. I made a concerted attempt from very early in our relationship to make her feel secure about this. When I offered her the trip she told me she would rather have the surgery, and I thought it would make her feel better about herself. I really thought she loved me.

 

How long had you been dating her? Had she been saving up for the boob job herself?

 

The whole boob job thing doesn't look good for either of you because if she wanted one, why wasn't she trying to pay for it herself? and what kind of relationship do you have where she thinks you'll pay for them? Lots of women toy with the idea of surgery but they either start saving or (more likely) just think of it casually with no real plans. I wonder if you were encouraging her. Pushover isn't what springs to mind, but it is possible.

[Untouchable_Fire]

How long had you been dating her? Had she been saving up for the boob job herself?

The whole boob job thing doesn't look good for either of you because if she wanted one, why wasn't she trying to pay for it herself? and what kind of relationship do you have where she thinks you'll pay for them? Lots of women toy with the idea of surgery but they either start saving or (more likely) just think of it casually with no real plans. I wonder if you were encouraging her. Pushover isn't what springs to mind, but it is possible.

 

Nearly 2 years, and yes she had saved money for it, but used that money to go on a trip with me in Sept of 09. I didn't have the money at that time to cover both of us 100%, and we did 4 big vacations over the course of 3 months.

 

Encourage her? I was very vocal about not wanting her to do it. I was very attracted to her from the start to the end. I'm not a big fan of fake boobs... I think they look trashy, but I never told her that.... and I was more than willing to live with it if it made her happier.

 

Honestly.... I don't think the surgery had anything to do with it. She put out a huge effort to lose weight 2 months before I even got the paycheck.

[Allisha]

I mean that I've had 2 different GF's cheat in the last 6yrs, and they were wildly different people in terms of personality.

 

I have a really hard time believing that I just ignored all the red flags. There were some things I didn't see... but nothing I ignored. I tend to be really good at people picking when it comes to friends.

 

My big questions are this.... Why didn't she tell me that she was unhappy? Why didn't she just dump me.... or even be honest with me? Do you know that when I confronted her with hotel receipts... she tells me they were just talking... WTF! She just won't come clean and she tried to convince me not to break up, but it felt half hearted.

 

Also... How do I keep this from happening again? I can't marry or have kids with anyone if I don't figure out how to control this issue?

 

Listen... from everything I can tell, it just seems like she spent a lot of time working with this guy, at the same time I was busing moving my career forward.

 

So, hey, I don't know you, and I know my opinion means very little in the grand scheme of things, but I beg of you to listen to me while I answer these things.

 

Regarding your reply to my first post, she is a moron. Gradually, if this reply goes the way I want it to, I'll explain why she is.

 

You got two bad eggs. It doesn't mean anything, other than the fact it's just bad luck you attract these sort of girls -- by "sort", I don't mean that the cheating type all have similar personalities, as your experiences prove. Some men and women have it in them to cheat, and some do not. I can honestly say that I don't, and while you may not think she's the kind who would, she clearly is. There is no excuse for it. She should have just been honest about her unhappiness before dropping her pants to another man. It's as simple as that.

 

She didn't tell you she was unhappy because she was probably enjoying the attention from two men. She also didn't tell you because she has absolutely NO respect for you AT ALL. In fact, she wouldn't have had to tell you if she respected you in the first place, as she would voiced her discontent long before she deemed it necessary to sleep with someone else.

She wasn't honest with you because like her cheating actions show, she is a liar. You confronted her about it and she lied AGAIN. This is why she's a moron. She thought you'd buy into a feeble and ridiculous excuse.. so now not only does she not have any respect for you, she now thinks you're retarded enough to believe the crap she spins.

 

 

I'm sorry to break it to you, but you can't control issues like this in the future. For a successful marriage, etc, I think, you have to let your other half have freedom. I'm not in any way suggesting you'd be controlling, I just mean you can't do anything else, and you can't be anything else but YOURSELF, therefore what someone else does is OUT of your control and it's their issues if they can't keep their pants up, not yours.

 

Please listen to me, because this isn't your fault. As you can tell, I don't really mince my words to sugarcoat things and if this was actually your fault, I'd tell you.

 

Edited July 22, 2010 by Allisha

[Untouchable_Fire]

So, hey, I don't know you, and I know my opinion means very little in the grand scheme of things, but I beg of you to listen to me while I answer these things.

Regarding your reply to my first post, she is a moron. Gradually, if this reply goes the way I want it to, I'll explain why she is.

You got two bad eggs. It doesn't mean anything, other than the fact it's just bad luck you attract these sort of girls -- by "sort", I don't mean that the cheating type all have similar personalities, as your experiences prove. Some men and women have it in them to cheat, and some do not. I can honestly say that I don't, and while you may not think she's the kind who would, she clearly is. There is no excuse for it. She should have just been honest about her unhappiness before dropping her pants to another man. It's as simple as that.

She didn't tell you she was unhappy because she was probably enjoying the attention from two men. She also didn't tell you because she has absolutely NO respect for you AT ALL. In fact, she wouldn't have had to tell you if she respected you in the first place, as she would voiced her discontent long before she deemed it necessary to sleep with someone else.

She wasn't honest with you because like her cheating actions show, she is a liar. You confronted her about it and she lied AGAIN. This is why she's a moron. She thought you'd buy into a feeble and ridiculous excuse.. so now not only does she not have any respect for you, she now thinks you're retarded enough to believe the crap she spins.

I'm sorry to break it to you, but you can't control issues like this in the future. For a successful marriage, etc, I think, you have to let your other half have freedom. I'm not in any way suggesting you'd be controlling, I just mean you can't do anything else, and you can't be anything else but YOURSELF, therefore what someone else does is OUT of your control and it's their issues if they can't keep their pants up, not yours.

Please listen to me, because this isn't your fault. As you can tell, I don't really mince my words to sugarcoat things and if this was actually your fault, I'd tell you.

 

Allisha,

 

Thank you. I've been using this site off and on for a long time and your writing style seems very familiar. Have you ever had another profile?

 

Your right in that I often felt like she didn't respect me. Many times I don't think she understood why I did the things I did... especially the nice things. For example, when she got angry she would often get physical... and I don't think she ever understood why I would not push, slap, or hit back.

 

She is also a massive control freak who's #1 driving force is her pride.

 

Now that I think about it... your probably right that she enjoyed the attention from 2 guys. There is a good chance she wanted me to fight with him over her.... I think she maybe tried to set up some situations like that.

 

This is really going to hamper my ability to pull the trigger in terms of marriage in the long run... I don't mention this to anyone... but I'm 30 and would like a family sometime in the next few years.