How do I make her relax again?

[ArtyB]

Me and my girlfriend have been together for over 2 and half years now, for the first six months our sex life was incredible, multiple times a day and a lot of fun.

 

However shortly after going on the pill, her sex drive bombed, it went from 2-3 a day to once a week. I wasn't too fussed, but then it slipped into once a fortnight, once a month and after 6 months on the pill, her drive had gone.

 

She came off the pill but could not find the desire anymore. We'd try and get things going and her body wouldn't co-operate, leaving her very upset and me feeling bad for not being able to do anything for her.

 

Fast forward a year and half later... we've had sex ONCE in 9 months. She has now built up an irrational fear of penetration, so much so that she goes into panic at the thought of a tiny swab and cries (doctors checked everything on her to help, all ok). Our doctor recommended using a finger and building up from there but she just refuses. Basically due to this fear, she will now tense up, CAUSING the pain that wouldn't be there otherwise.

 

She will also avoid ANYTHING. She won't kiss me incase she gets aroused, she won't touch me or let me touch her and it's tearing our relationship apart. I've been supportive for two years, tried everything but she just refuses to try anything that will help. She's just gone on the contraceptive patch after saying she didn't like condoms (news to me) only she waited til after a period, to get the patch, meaning we have to wait another month before we can try again. It just feels that she prolongs it, always 'tomorrow' or 'later'... only then she'll start a fight over nothing, to prevent that happening. But then I see her getting upset and depressed about the fact we have no sex life... what can I do to help her? I know she's scared and she tells me to sleep with somebody else as it's not fair on me, but I don't want anybody but her. What can I do to help her get her sexual confidence back? She's a truely stunning girl who every guy wants, she has a great body and our relationship is amazing besdies this one thing, any suggestions?

[kiss_andmakeup]

Do you guys still participate in oral sex, manual stimulation (not penetration, just stimulation of her clitoris with a finger), and other forms of foreplay? If the fear is of penetration (which I'm actually guessing it's not, but more on that later), just say, "Ok, penetration is off the table. Let's just lay in bed and play and touch and kiss and lick and have fun."

 

If she agrees, then stick to your word, and DON'T try to talk her into penetration, even with a finger. Just pleasure her orally and manually and suggest that she do the same to you. After a few sessions you can tell her to let you know if she'd like to try penetration, even just with a finger, but that you won't pressure her and you'll wait until she gives you the go-ahead.

 

If she balks at the suggestion I proposed in the first paragraph, then I am correct in thinking this isn't really a fear of penetration. In general it's hard for me to believe that penetration scares her this much if you guys were having sexual intercourse multiple times per day at the beginning of your relationship. One of a few things could be possible:

 

1. She has some kind of intimacy issue that she has not discussed with you, stemming from something such as sexual abuse at an early age (though I am inclined to think that this issue would have prevented the avid sex life you had early in the relationship) or a bad experience with a previous partner.

 

2. She is no longer sexually attracted to you and does not want to be honest with you about it because she is concerned it will hurt your feelings. Therefore she has created a physiological "problem," to avoid dealing with the issue at hand, and has elaborated this false problem to such an extent that she herself believes it.

 

3. She really just does not enjoy sex and used the avid sex life you described in the first few months to "rope you in," so to speak.

 

I hope none of those things are the case, and if she agrees to experiment with sexual play minus penetration, then you should be able to fix this. If not, I'm at a loss, because you're reaching into more severe psychological issues there.

[Kamille]

The pill does have an effect on the libido because it increases estrogen and diminishes testosterone levels. I remember reading on a medical website recently that for some women, the testosterone level may take longer to readjust. Sadly, I don't remember the name of the website.

 

The patch, however, is still an hormone based contraception method, so if part of the problem is hormonal, then it would only prolong the problem. I'm surprised her doctor would recommend that method considering the history there.

 

At the same time, the first thing that jumped to mind when I read your post was that this might not be related to the pill - or you- at all. Have you asked your SO if anything has happened to her, in the past or during your relationship, to make her struggle with sex so much?

 

Has she sought any counseling for any of this?

Edited July 9, 2010 by Kamille

[reservoirdog1]

At the same time, the first thing that jumped to mind when I read your post was that this might not be related to the pill - or you- at all. Have you asked your SO if anything has happened to her, in the past or during your relationship, to make her struggle with sex so much?

That's possible, but it sounds unlikely -- unless the traumatic thing happened basically right when she went on the pill. Possible though.

 

I'm no doctor, but this sounds like a case of serious hormone imbalance. Different people react in different ways to various meds. You should start your inquiries there. Especially since you had an active sex life and then it fell of completely, to be replaced by irrational fear.

[ArtyB]

Hey guys, just to answer a feq questions;

 

1. We have very good communication and always have had, she's got no history of abuse, nothing has happened to her at any point before or during the relationship.

 

2. She has denied not being attracted to me, we've spoken many times and she just gets upset saying she wants me. She even dressed up, made the bedroom all fancy and waited for me to come home one day, making all the effort only for her to start freaking once we passed foreplay. She seriously gets so scared, she starts breathing as if she's giving birth and it's always down to me or her doctors to swab her because she will refuse to do it to herself through fear... even then she freaks out and tries to stop us.

 

3. We have occassional handplay and/or oral. The big thing is catching her when it's unexpected, if she's aware, she starts to think about it too much and scare herself out of it... but catching her is the hard part, she's a clean freak and is always tidying lol. She's one of those people who can't shut off and relax to have sex, if she knows there is a sink that needs cleaning.

 

4. She really does enjoy sex, I can't believe she'd have just done it those months to 'rope me in' because she left her ex-bf BECAUSE 'HE' wasn't interested in sex. She pestered him for their 3 months, never got any and then dumped him after meeting me. Even then, I was pressured into it and when I was having problems - nerves were preventing me performing - I got the distinct impression she wasn't going to hang around, as she'd storm off when I failed. She was a complete addict. She'd had one sexual partner for only a few months before he cheated on her and left... so she was inexperienced and excited by it.

 

5. The doctors have tested her hormones and noticed her testosterone levels were higher than they should be.

 

6. She did have a very painful sex attempts with me as she had some PH inbalance that were unaware of, some minor infection that makes intercourse painful and it just seems she's got that stuck in her head, even though it's been cleared up now.

 

And finally, she's had no counseling, she's spoken to the family planning/sexual health centers about it (they have given her a patch that contains a different hormone, that should supposedly help) and she's spoken to her doctor who suggested I use two fingers and gently stretch her with them a few times a week... if that fails she'd give her something that she can insert to do it (I forget the name).

 

Sorry my posts are huge, just trying to give all of you the info you wanted Thanks