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Feeling insecure and jealous about my boyfriend's ex wife


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My boyfriend and I have been together 10 months now... When we first met about a year ago--he was married and didn't tell me. He was an alcoholic and cheated on her throughout their 8-year relationship by having a few scattered one-night stands when he was drunk, but had never had an affair prior to me. They met when they were very young, got married young, but as far as I can tell she was very patient and they had a very loving and secure relationship in spite of his spontaneous infidelities.

 

When I met him, he was at his "bottom" in life and we fell in love so fast! I will tell you that I am a stripper and he was a VIP member at my club... But please throw any preconceived notions you may have about that kind of relationship out the window! We never did dances after the 1st night we met...He never paid me after that night, we'd just have drinks and talk. We both acknowledged we'd never met someone of the opposite sex that was so similar to ourselves. Eventually we went on dates outside of the club, eventually after that we had sex...And then I found out he was married. He lied and said he was legally seperated and she lived in another state. A few days later he asked her for a divorce, and went to his first AA meeting. He's been sober since that day 10 months ago... But for the first 3 months or so of our relationship, he was still living with her, and the truth was gradually uncovered. He stayed with me most nights, but on nights that he didn't I began to feel insecure, even though I was pretty sure it was over between them -- she knew about me... although they decided to wait until the new year to get divorced.

 

Our relationship got very serious very quickly for these reasons, and he basically started living with me when we started dating. They went through with their divorce and it was just made final at the beginning of this month, though we've been openly dating for a long time, I met his family months ago, etc... We now live in a new house together, and he's been very sweet to me, and very patient with me whenever I am jealous over her presence in his life. For a while he agreed not to see her at all, but I began to feel like I was trying to control him and I could no longer allow myself to enforce that boundary. I can't expect him to care for me as much as he cares for his first love and partner of 8 years, but I am so resentful of the fact that I witnessed all of his grieving stages! For a long time he felt like another woman's man, and was in some ways emotionally unavailable to me. I can feel a shift and I know I need to put it behind us, but I just can't break the pattern, and I can't keep myself from stirring up those resentments whenever she calls him or he even mentions her.

 

In spite of everything they tried to remain friends, but my issues made that hard for them and I genuinely feel awful because of it. But I am threatened by her, and even after almost a year I feel like our relationship is defined by their divorce. He's begun to feel like he has to walk on eggshells around me, and I can feel my insecurities ruining our relationship.

 

We were making great progress....However, my boyfriend also has somewhat of a sex addiction and jerks off to porn every day (which doesn't bother me at all, as I am very similar!). A few days ago, I discovered he had jerked off to naked pictures of his ex wife she had sent him when they were still married, that were in his old e-mail archives. I know for a fact he'd never done it before, and when I confronted him about it he said it was more about the sexiness of the "scandal", and the idea of doing something taboo that got him off while he was already aroused. I do get this--my fantasies are taboo and naughty too! But that one just hit too close to home and it made me feel like he still had feelings for her, and if he still lusts after her in that way how can I trust that he's really over her?

 

He moved in with me, he tells me all the time that I am the most important woman in his life and he wants to be with me, and yet it's still not enough! It's the only argument we've ever had, but we have it over and over again. I can feel the resentments against each other building and I need to find a way to accept that he loved her, will always love her in some way, but wants a life with me now. I was trying, but it was only working because he wasn't seeing her... And then the naked picture thing happen and it set back all of the progress we had made. How do I trust that he's over her and control the horrible feelings I get when he sees her or talks to her?

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