Girlfriend Over Analyzes Every Detail

[mak156]

Hi, really need an unbiased opinion! im with my GF for 9 months now and its been brilliant. every second we spend together has been brilliant and i honestly see her as the one.... shes the first GF ive had who i saw a definite future with. the feeling is mutual... she's told me that im perfect for her, that im the nicest person shes ever met and that she sees a long and happy future together. so all is going really well..... the problem is, unfortunately my GF has had a few tough situations from her past; she had a tough father who was tough on her mother, he accepted nothing but first and made her and her siblings extremely driven. her mother has also passed away adding to the situation and as well as that, her sister has been unlucky enough to develop a mental illness, other ****ty stuff has happened to her niece so theres been a lot of crap basically mentally weighting her down. this she feels has resulted in her not being able to give herself fully into the relationship. although she loves me more than anything, shes afraid to make a mistake and the last thing she wants is to be responsible for bringing more crap into her families lives. she also feels that she has turned into her dad sometimes by being hard on me about tiny things that annoy her, little traits like being figity or crossing my legs a certain way.... as i said, all little things.... also there have been one or two times where, when we were out, guys would be trying to chat her up or whatever and when she's say shes with me, they'd say "youre with HIM???" implying that she can do much better, and this really upsets her. it upsets me too because i know that theyre just being *******s but she gets worried and thinks that theres something shes missing about me.... and there isnt, ive been completely open and honest and told her literally everything there is to know about me.... so its frustrating for me too because i feel like theres nothing i can do to help her. i suppose all this has led her to be a touch insecure.... again the idea of making a mistake is what shes really worried about. shes told me millions of times that she loves me more than anything, that the feeling of being together is amazing and nothing shes ever experienced before and she thinks im the best thing thats ever happened to her and that her gut is telling her that im a fantastic person and that shes really lucky to be with me. after last weekend, she has decided to seek councilling in order to move on from the emotional baggage she feels thats holding her back in our relationship. im just worried that im going to lose her. i know we're perfect for eachother, and things are going so so well. and at the end of the day we're only 9 months in so all this is very serious so soon.... as ive been telling her, just enjoy the now and when real problems come up that we'll get through them together. i just want to know what people think of the situation? thanks John

[mak156]

just a quick update.

 

was up at hers this weekend. i was early so i parked the car at hers and went down town. then she texted when she arrived home. she said that when she saw my car she had a little panic saying to herself, god i hope i still feel the same about him (it was 2 weeks since we met up). then we met up and she was grand again. she told me that, she isnt sure if she's ready for a relationship cos of all the other ****e she has to sort first..... i said 'look whatevers best for you just do it' and then she said..... "jeez it sounds like im breaking up with you, im not. i just wanted to say that is all".

 

then the rest of that weekend was brilliant, had a great laugh and great sex. just after that when we were cuddling she said, "its times like this when i realise that i love you. im so lucky to have met you".

 

so what do you guys think?

[mak156]

no opinions no? i just wanted an unbiased opinion is all. good or bad

[Frontliner]

Just stick with her. Nothing is wrong with your relationship. Just support her with whatever is going on in her life. If she wants you to kill her dad then that's fine too.

 

Also get stronger and when guys say bad stuff about you then you can beat the shiit out of them.

[BobSacamento]

The only thing I could think after reading the block o' text:

 

Is it really the GF that over analyzes everything?

 

Life is a roller coaster. There will be low points. You just have to accept that. However, if you don't see anything meaningful or don't experience high points then you have to bail. When she's going through crap she's going to look to you and see how you react. You have to help each other out and not look to it as every man/woman for himself.

[Kamille]

The first thing you need to recognize is that her issues are out of your control. There is nothing you can do but do everything in your power to not let her insecurities affect your self-esteem.

 

For what it's worth, I get the part about her father being hard on their mom and perhaps hard on them. When we were growing up, my mom was very hard on my dad and us (sis and I). It left me always feeling like my bf and friends were "extensions" of myself, so that the littlest things they did would annoy me.

 

I've since worked with a therapist to better sort out what belongs to me (that which is under my control) and what belongs to my partner. But again, the thing is that what she does about her propensity to get mad at you for little things is up to her.

[mak156]

thanks for the replies! really appreciate it. i think she's afraid of commitment. found two very good articles recently and they could have been written about her!

 

i'll put them up for anyone else that might find them useful

 

http://www.anxietymatters.com/symptoms_of_anxiety/phobias/commitment_phobia/commitment_phobia_index.htm

 

http://ezinearticles.com/?Five-Steps-to-Overcoming-Commitment-Phobia-and-Creating-a-Loving-Life-Partner-Relationship&id=184285

[lordWilhelm]

'look whatevers best for you just do it'

I think that was a great reply, and that's the kind of attitude you should have in general -- you should be accepting of her needs and also be assertive about your own. But you're definitely on the right track; she's going to counselling on her own which is a good sign that she's trying to address her anxiety/control issues.

 

I have a question for you. Do you feel like you're being too much of a nice guy with her?

[mak156]

 

I have a question for you. Do you feel like you're being too much of a nice guy with her?

 

 

No I dont really. In general I am a very easy going, considerate person. I definitely dont feel like I'm going out of my way to treat her the way I do. like i've put her in her place before when she made a comment about my friends and she accepted it. even this weekend i we were supposed to meet but it didnt suit me with work so i cancelled it..... i think if i was too nice a guy i would have let other things suffer just to accommodate her.

 

Thanks for the comments....

 

think this statement from the links i posted summed it up for me:

 

Commitment Phobia, in common with many other phobias, is a mechanism put in place by the brain to protect us from something that (for some reason), it has mis-judged the threat of.

 

 

In the example of Commitment Phobia, the person may have had an experience in their past where they felt out-of-control, or trapped, and their mind is over-protecting them from similar situations, in case something similar ever happens again.

 

 

Treating a phobia can by surprisingly simple, because all that really needs to happen, is for that 'unresolved emotion', or 'conflict', to be resolved. Once the 'unresolved emotion' is resolved, there's no longer a need for the mind to protect us (or over-protect us) from it, and the phobia can disappear.

 

and

 

I'd like to say that there is a definitive final step. But if you've gotten this far, then the last step is one you should've been taking all along -- recognizing that being in a committed partnership offers you the most opportunities to be all that you can be in this world. Couples in healthy relationships are devoted to mutually empower one another to be high-functioning contributing members of society. Successful people frequently give their partners credit for their achievements.

 

 

Seeing commitment phobia as the loss of one's individuality and independence is therefore unrealistic. There is so much to be gained in a life with a partner that supercedes the alleged "loss" of independence. It admittedly takes risk, but by following the steps outlined above, perhaps you'll finally experience how the benefits outweigh the "loss" in the end.

Edited May 7, 2010 by mak156