Huge anxiety when someone doesn't respond to a text/e-mail/VM

[SadandConfusedWA]

I have always had this problem. The more important the person is to me the worse it gets. But even with friends, I get anxious if i send a text and don't get a response in 30mins or so. I am somehow afraid that they are going to abandon me and that I will never hear from them again.

 

 

I wish I would just not care.

 

Do others feel like this?

Edited April 24, 2010 by SadandConfusedWA

[butterflysil]

not with friends but if i am in relationship i feel the guy looses intrerest if he doesn't respond soon.

[shadowofman]

I just watched a news report on this exact response. It has to do with the way that sending and receiving messages works on the dopamine release in the brain. It is an unnatural form of communication to wait so long for a response. Much like letter writing in the past, except its a rapid fire flood then drain, flood then drain of dopamine. Receiving a letter after a long wait is a very exhilarating feeling due to the flood of dopamine. You could respond and send your letter, but you knew that a reply would not arrive for some time. You are anticipating an instant response which is causing the anxiety. Your becoming addicted to the rapid dopamine flood.

[SadandConfusedWA]

not with friends but if i am in relationship i feel the guy looses intrerest if he doesn't respond soon.

 

Yeah, even if he does respond later - non-immediate response signals that you are just not on his mind.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I just watched a news report on this exact response. It has to do with the way that sending and receiving messages works on the dopamine release in the brain. It is an unnatural form of communication to wait so long for a response. Much like letter writing in the past, except its a rapid fire flood then drain, flood then drain of dopamine. Receiving a letter after a long wait is a very exhilarating feeling due to the flood of dopamine. You could respond and send your letter, but you knew that a reply would not arrive for some time. You are anticipating an instant response which is causing the anxiety. Your becoming addicted to the rapid dopamine flood.

 

Interesting, thanks.

[spookie]

sad... i'm exactly like this. with some people i prefer to avoid initiating communication altogether rather than face prospect of that wide black silence.

 

 

when my current guy doesn't immediately answer my phone calls or respond to my texts, i instinctively assume that it's over, even though i know this is simply a habit of his, and experience has shown that he'll get back to me within a couple of hours, with a goos excuse usually as to why he didn't pick up right away - working out, working.

 

i know where my anxiety comes from though. my only serious bf would start ignoring me as soon as he got annoyed, which usually corresponded with as soon as i got angry. when he did eventually abandon me it was as i expected, by never returning my phone calls again.

Edited April 24, 2010 by spookie

[RobM]

I had a teenager so I got used to not hearing back. The worst was when he started driving, if he was 10 minutes late you start thinking the worst.

 

With my wife I only get worried if I don't know where she is and it's been hours and she doesn't answer her phone, I start to worry about her being in an accident or such.

[homersheineken]

Yeah, even if he does respond later - non-immediate response signals that you are just not on his mind.

 

Or that he's doing something else.

 

Texting is one of the worst ways to communicate anyways. Do you really need to hear from someone every 1/2 hr?

[carhill]

Today's Saturday. Try going one day in total silence. No texts, no e-mails, no phone, no contact. Don't respond to any non-emergency contact.

 

Do you have issues with being alone?

[Cinderella7]

I don't have this issue with friends, but if I am dating someone, I do get anxious if they take awhile to get back to me. It's one of the things I hate about dating. I am working on it though.

[SadandConfusedWA]

sad... i'm exactly like this. with some people i prefer to avoid initiating communication altogether rather than face prospect of that wide black silence.

 

 

 

 

This is exactly how I deal with it. I just don't initiate or when I do I phrase it in a such a way that there is no question so that if they don't respond I can console myself with "I never asked anything, so it's OK". Even when someone else initiates the convo, I still never ask a Q for the fear of not getting a response. I have huge issue with this. And yes in the past, most times I was dumped by a person stopping contact abruptly.

[threebyfate]

I've only had this experience with one person. But it was just a by-product of an undertone of a lack of respect and consideration.

 

Beyond that, it doesn't bother me.

[Peaceful Guy]

I have always had this problem. The more important the person is to me the worse it gets. But even with friends, I get anxious if i send a text and don't get a response in 30mins or so. I am somehow afraid that they are going to abandon me and that I will never hear from them again.

 

 

I wish I would just not care.

 

Do others feel like this?

 

yes, absolutely. sometimes its okay and sometimes its not. some people think that its okay to be flaky and technology over the past few years has really enabled that attitude. what i think you might want is friends that either feel the same way or at least understand how you feel about it so that they can behave accourdingly. at the same time you need to do what you can to not be so anxious about it that you read into things that are not there, which is what i tend to do when i worry about not getting a response. my friend G thinks its okay to respond whenever he feels like it or not at all, unless he wants something.. but he's unbelievable self absorbed right now. my friend R seems to understand that i worry when i don't hear from people when i thought i would and does his best to drop me a line.. and i do my best not to get mad or upset, or at least, stay upset once ive talked to him about my concerns. really, to some people im sure i am unbelievably overbearing.. but if you and me (sadconfWA) were friends then it would be great because some people like that level of closeness/consideration. also, i know where im coming from.. caring, compassion, and not the desire to control.. so im in the clear with how i treat people.

 

that's why i was saying that while you should do what you can to not go overboard, and your friends should do what they can to stay in touch.. friends that are looking for the same type of relationship might be a good idea.

 

i think that you have to be very reasonable about this though. could they be at work? did you have plans? could they be taking a nap? is there phone on silent?

 

im a very caring and attentive person but i frequently miss calls. unless im absolutely rolling, tripping balls, or drunk as hell ill pick up the phone or respond to a text. OR, if someone is asking me to do something for them without being a friend otherwise.

 

oh.. i also wanted to add.. though you need to do what you can to not assume whatever.. its funny/sucks when you're hanging out with someone and you see them get a text or a call and they look at the phone and make a face.. then later you call them and imagine their making the same face! :laugh:

 

i don't hang out with people that absolutely don't think its important to write back, be attentive, whatever anymore.. and im much much happier for it..

[SadandConfusedWA]

oh.. i also wanted to add.. though you need to do what you can to not assume whatever.. its funny/sucks when you're hanging out with someone and you see them get a text or a call and they look at the phone and make a face.. then later you call them and imagine their making the same face! :laugh:

 

i don't hang out with people that absolutely don't think its important to write back, be attentive, whatever anymore.. and im much much happier for it..

 

Oh I had that happen! And when I text this person I assume that they are making the same face: it's SAC oh no

 

I even worry when my brother doesn't respond. As in, we have been texting back and forth 4 days ago and suddenly he stopped in the middle of the convo. I was thinking WTF. I mean it's just a downer as I feel like I am not important enough to anyone. He just texted me now, 4 days later and resumed the convo as if nothing has happened

 

Also, I go out of my way not leave people hanging with texts/calls. I respond pretty much right away, as soon as I see the text even if to say that I can't come to something.

[Peaceful Guy]

Oh I had that happen! And when I text this person I assume that they are making the same face: it's SAC oh no

 

 

I even worry when my brother doesn't respond. As in, we have been texting back and forth 4 days ago and suddenly he stopped in the middle of the convo. I was thinking WTF. I mean it's just a downer as I feel like I am not important enough to anyone. He just texted me now, 4 days later and resumed the convo as if nothing has happened

 

your bro cares about you!

 

Also, I go out of my way not leave people hanging with texts/calls. I respond pretty much right away, as soon as I see the text even if to say that I can't come to something.

 

that's good. my advice sadandconfused, send less texts and try not to repeat the same mistakes with people. if someone isn't attentive enough to make you comfortable in a relationship, then its not a good match. don't worry about being someone your not, just be willing to move on and not dwell on hurt feelings.. i know, i know.. easier said than done.. but that's being true to yourself. when it comes to your bro though, give him a call or keep the texts light so that it doesn't really matter if the conversations end. my friend R gave me some great advice when i was stressing about G.. i called, i texted.. got no response.. was stressing and R explained that the "ball was in his court." you're not doing anything wrong, its on them. let it go.. if they can't be attentive to you, their loss.

[stace79]

I have always had this problem. The more important the person is to me the worse it gets. But even with friends, I get anxious if i send a text and don't get a response in 30mins or so. I am somehow afraid that they are going to abandon me and that I will never hear from them again.

 

 

I wish I would just not care.

 

Do others feel like this?

 

A fear of abandonment can also be associated with borderline personality disorder. Might want to look into that on Google and see if you have any other of the "symptoms".

[Peaceful Guy]

A fear of abandonment can also be associated with borderline personality disorder. Might want to look into that on Google and see if you have any other of the "symptoms".

 

**** that! don't go giving yourself negative labels to carry around. they'll spoil the good times..

[Star Gazer]

I have always had this problem. The more important the person is to me the worse it gets. But even with friends, I get anxious if i send a text and don't get a response in 30mins or so. I am somehow afraid that they are going to abandon me and that I will never hear from them again.

 

 

I wish I would just not care.

 

Do others feel like this?

 

I used to... all the time. And then one day I realized there was a reason. I intuitively knew they WOULD, in fact, abandon me. In essence, it was about THEM, not me... and I had to learn how to be a better people picker, both in men and friends.

 

I don't have that anxiety whatsoever with BF, or with certain friends.

[123BeachFan]

I really hate texting as a main form of communication. It's okay to use to send a quick message. But texting a conversation? Yuck.

 

No responses to my calls/emails/texts also gives me anxiety. Especially if you know that person is pretty good at checking their messages regularily.

[Cora]

Yeah, I seem to get that anxiety as well. I guess it's a lot more common than I thought. I hated it so much the way it made me feel that I recently decided to be the other person on the other end. The one who doesn't respond right away or not at all.

 

Well, that didn't go well at all. Apparently I have huge anxiety about that too. Having that person call/text to see if everything was okay? Asking me if he had said/done something wrong to make me not talk to him? I could not take that. I knew the feeling all too well and it made me anxious like crazy to know that I was putting someone else in that situation....making them feel that way.

 

So I seem to have both. Anxiety from being left hanging and anxiety from leaving someone hanging. It literally nags at me all day.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I used to... all the time. And then one day I realized there was a reason. I intuitively knew they WOULD, in fact, abandon me. In essence, it was about THEM, not me... and I had to learn how to be a better people picker, both in men and friends.

 

I don't have that anxiety whatsoever with BF, or with certain friends.

 

 

This is correct. All the people in the past that I feared will abandon, did in fact end up abandoning me at some point (even though sometimes it would be months after my anxiety started).

 

I do have VERY few people with whom I don't feel that anxiety when texting etc, even if they don't respond immedietely...because I just KNOW that they are held up with something and will respond later. I just KNOW that they care about me.

 

It might be as simple as my intuition.

[Eeyore79]

If a guy doesn't respond at least within a few hours, he isn't into you. If a friend doesn't respond, he/she isn't a very good friend. There's no reason why someone can't respond to a text on the same day - they must have seen it, and it only takes a minute to reply.

[Star Gazer]

This is correct. All the people in the past that I feared will abandon, did in fact end up abandoning me at some point (even though sometimes it would be months after my anxiety started).

 

I do have VERY few people with whom I don't feel that anxiety when texting etc, even if they don't respond immedietely...because I just KNOW that they are held up with something and will respond later. I just KNOW that they care about me.

 

It might be as simple as my intuition.

 

I think you're right. It's about trust. Trust that they value you.

 

With some people, you jut know not to trust them, but you open up anyway. That's where the anxiety comes from.

 

At least, that's the way it was for me.

[Kamille]

I only get like that at the beginning of relationships. Then there gets a point when I'm just comfortable. I don't really care if bf or friends don't reply to their texts immediately. I know I sometimes don't have time or inclination to answer tests and I assume it's the same for everybody.

[ComeUndone]

sad... i'm exactly like this. with some people i prefer to avoid initiating communication altogether rather than face prospect of that wide black silence.

 

 

when my current guy doesn't immediately answer my phone calls or respond to my texts, i instinctively assume that it's over, even though i know this is simply a habit of his, and experience has shown that he'll get back to me within a couple of hours, with a goos excuse usually as to why he didn't pick up right away - working out, working...

 

I do this too, and I hate that I feel this way. I wish I knew where mine stems from. Sometimes at night I will send a goodnight text only because I cant stand not knowing if he will call or text, so to alleviate the pressure I just send it myself... I do this especially at nighttime. I guess I figure it will prompt something from him. Otherwise I fear waking up in the middle of the night not having heard from him, and the idea of that happening really makes me anxious. Of course it's still possible he not call or text (although it hasn't happened yet) but at least said my goodnights. It's my little bit of comfort knowing that I, at least, have reached out to him. I know texting him first in attempt to prompt a response out of him is pathetic, but sometimes that's the only thing that will alleviate my anxiety. I hate it.