I'm angry at my boyfriend and I don't know if I should be.

[prettybaby]

Not sure if it's just me PMSing really bad right now or if I'm right for being frustrated with him tonight.

 

Here's the deal: tomorrow is his uncle's funeral. The man passed last week, so everyone has had one whole week to plan this. From day one he told me that his aunt asked him to be part of the funeral's official parts, like greeting people at the entry of the church, standing next to the coffin, etc. (along with his brother and his dad).

 

This is why he has to show up earlier than the rest of the family. Mass is at 10AM, he has to be there at 9:15AM. That's fine with me. Except that this means I'll be left on my own for practically an hour, waiting for people to arrive. We only have one car, so going together was the plan. I was ready to make other arrangements in case he wanted me to show up at 10AM for mass instead, but he said he'd check with his family. I asked him every day of the week "can you please ask your family who I should sit with, what I should do, who I should maybe stay with while you take care of the funeral, and who I could come with if you think it's better for us not to arrive together". He said "okay, I'll ask", but every day I got the same response. So he was finally going to tell me tonight.

 

I called him an hour ago and I knew right away he was busy with something. I heard noise in the background, he sounded totally distracted. I asked him if he was busy (in case he'd want me to call back later) and he goes: "oh uh yeah, my brother's picking me up in a bit. We're going to a concert tonight. Can I call you back when I'm in the car?". I say sure and I think what the ****?

 

I mean, his uncle is getting burried tomorrow. We have to get up super early to be ready in time, and they're going to a concert and having fun until the middle of the night.

 

So anyway, besides the total lack of empathy he's showing right now, my main concern was just to finally find out what the hell I'm supposed to be doing during that one hour before mass. So he called me back 15 min later, and I ask him. And he goes "oh yeah, you know, I'm not sure. Maybe you can go get a drink somewhere near the church and then come back at 10AM for mass". I was livid!! I KNEW this was going to happen!! THis is EXACTLY what I've been trying to avoid for one whole week.

 

That being said, besides the fact that I find it rude for us to arrive at church together and then for me to say "oh hey, I'm gonna go grab a smoothie while you people do your thing, and then I'll be back for mass", it's the fact that I was counting on him to arrange something a little better for me. I tried for one whole freaking week. So I asked him what his brother's wife was doing, since she'll be in the same situation as me. Turns out she was able to figure out a ride with her grandpa who I guess was good friends with the uncle who passed. And basically, everyone has everything figured out amongst themselves, and I'm left alone.

 

I don't have any phone number of anyone in his family. So I couldn't possibly call anyone myself, which is why I was counting on him.

 

And now he's out having fun at a concert, less than 24h before burrying one of his closest uncles.

 

Am I overreacting? I'm just so frustrated right now that I saw this situation coming from day one, and I tried everything to avoid it, and here I am: facing the scenario I was trying to avoid. I don't know those people that well, it will be uncomfortable for me to begin with. Then add the fact that I'll have to figure out the logistics of this for myself and on my own, I feel really left out.

[make me believe]

I would be annoyed that he kept telling you he'd figure out something for you to do during that hour and then never did. Definitely. Is there any way you can take a cab or some other public transportation to the service? If not, I suggest having your BF drop you off a coffeeshop or something near the church so that you can walk there later, instead of showing up early with him and then randomly leaving.

 

Afterwards, you should definitely have a talk with him about this and ask him to put himself in your shoes so he can see how awkward & uncomfortable he's made it for you. That was really unfair of him.

 

The concert thing I don't think is really a big deal, though. He's not required to sit at home crying the night before the funeral. Maybe he wants to distract himself with something fun to get away from his grief for awhile, you know?

[BackUpOrGetStung]

Don't go to the funeral. It's obvious that it's not that important to him, so don't stress yourself out over it.

[prettybaby]

I'm gonna try not to judge about the concert. Especially since it's more his brother's type and he had already purchased the tickets before the uncle passed.

 

I guess it's this on top of the fiasco that tomorrow will be for me that makes it the cherry on top.

 

I don't know why he's acted that way about the funeral, because he's generally not like that.

 

I'm starting to wonder if he's trying to keep me away from everyone because his ex will be there. His ex fiancee is his sister in law's twin, so I think there are chances she could be there. But he hasn't said a word about it. So I don't know. Things are just running through my head right now because I don't understand how he could leave me hanging like that when I made it clear I was concerned about it from day one.

 

If I see her there I'm going to boil. Not because she will be there (because I couldn't care less about her), but because of the way he has handled this whole thing. Which in that particular case, will make it 100 times worse than it is right now.

 

Right now I'm just annoyed more than anything. But if she's there and it turns out that's the reason of his reactions, I will be very hurt.

[Krytie TV]

Yeah, not sure why you feel the obligation to go to the funeral. It obviously isn't important to him that you go (or that he go even, who knows). I don't know how intrenched you are in the family, but from the way you described your relationship it sounds rather surfacy. Just stay home.

 

Don't know where to start but it seems there are issues in this relationship. This all spells big ole drama.

[prettybaby]

Don't go to the funeral. It's obvious that it's not that important to him, so don't stress yourself out over it.

I have been formally invited. All the invitations were printed with my name on it as part of the family that's inviting. So I cannot not go.

 

If they hadn't included my name on all the invitations they sent out to people, I would be very tempted not to go.

[CLC2008]

I think maybe he's feeling like too much is being placed on him, first his uncle passed away, second planning/being part of the mass and third - your accommodations (i.e. getting to/from, who you'll sit with, what you'll do, etc.).

 

Maybe he just couldn't deal with so much all at one time which would explain why he wants to go to the concert to blow off some steam.

 

In any case, yes, I'd be annoyed towards his lack of sensitivity and feeling ignored. You're going there with him to support him and feeling shunned at the same time.

 

If it were me, I'd rather just meet him there at the start of the mass, versus sitting around for an hour. I have my own car but if I didn't, I would ask a family/friend to drive me instead.

[Els]

Well, it's HIS uncle's funeral. People deal with grief in different ways. I honestly think that if you're going to make such a huge deal out of it instead of being supportive, it would be far better for you to say "I'm sorry, since you didn't make any suitable arrangements, I really don't think I can go." Invitation or not, there really only are two options: 1) refuse, and 2) go, and just let things slide.

[prettybaby]

I think maybe he's feeling like too much is being placed on him, first his uncle passed away, second planning/being part of the mass and third - your accommodations (i.e. getting to/from, who you'll sit with, what you'll do, etc.).

The thing is, he doesn't even seem to really know himself what he'll be doing. I'm very surprised, because he's generally a very well organized person and likes to know those things in advance. I asked him what he'll be doing exactly, and he only knew the rough lines of it and said he'd see when he gets there.

 

I didn't insist about that part, because I was like whatever, his problem not mine. I really wasn't being complicated about my part. I just wanted him to at least mention it to his mom. His mom and I get along well so I was hoping to be able to go with her, but it's like he hasn't even asked her anything. So I don't understand. I mean, he sees his parents every day of the week. How hard is it?

 

I did mention we could order some flowers together if he wants. Now THAT he did mention to his parents. And what they ended up deciding was to buy one big bouquet together, me left out. When it was initially my idea.

 

I mean, whatever, flowers aren't even a big deal here. But if he was able to figure out the flowers with them, then I don't get how hard it was to add the part where I'm left alone like an outsider. I don't think they even know, because I get the feeling he didn't ask them anything.

[VertexSquared]

Well, it's HIS uncle's funeral. People deal with grief in different ways. I honestly think that if you're going to make such a huge deal out of it instead of being supportive, it would be far better for you to say "I'm sorry, since you didn't make any suitable arrangements, I really don't think I can go." Invitation or not, there really only are two options: 1) refuse, and 2) go, and just let things slide.

 

Absolutely. As someone who has experienced death in the family both personally and through friends, I can tell you that this is 100% true. You have to be really, really empathetic and understanding when someone experiences death in some way. Everyone deals with it differently and it's such a stressful, erratic event that calls for patience.

[prettybaby]

Well, it's HIS uncle's funeral. People deal with grief in different ways. I honestly think that if you're going to make such a huge deal out of it instead of being supportive, it would be far better for you to say "I'm sorry, since you didn't make any suitable arrangements, I really don't think I can go." Invitation or not, there really only are two options: 1) refuse, and 2) go, and just let things slide.

Not going isn't really an option. His aunt invited me and they printed my name on all the cards they sent out. It would be insulting, not to mention it would be odd since the few family members printed on the cards are all couples, and I'd be the only one leaving my guy alone.

 

I'm not going to make it a big deal tomorrow, don't worry. I have sense enough to realize that it's his uncle's funeral and tomorow should not be about me and my feelings.

 

But right now I am frustrated about the situation. From people's feedback, I can see that it's not completely uncalled for. So that makes me feel a little less confused about myself right now.

 

But yes, don't worry, I will be there and show my support.

[silverfish]

Can you ask them if you get on with his Mum? They'd probably hate to see you left out, and will likely be a little embarrassed at his behaviour.

 

Try not to get too wound up about this...there's likely going to some sort of family 'do' afterwards and you don't want to be sulking with eachother there....he's probably very nervous about what he's got to do at the funeral, and seing all those people - friends and family etc.

 

He probably needs you but just doesn't know it yet. It's one of those situations where you just have to put your own feelings aside and be there for him -- he will appreciate it at some point...just maybe not right now.

[threebyfate]

Why not go with him, either bring your laptop or a book and sit where they designate you to sit? It's also possible that they might need your help if a family member isn't able to show up or if everyone is running around.

 

The last thing the family is going to be considering is you or anyone else. They've got enough to worry about, including and especially dealing with grief. While funerals appear well-organized to the outside viewer, there are many things to consider and if you think about it, a week isn't a long time to organize a large group gathering.

[Els]

Good then - go and let things slide. Yes, it was his mistake and his fault... But occasionally your partner will make mistakes, especially in the face of things such as the death of a relative. Considering the things that posters advise other women to let slide, I am frankly surprised that everyone considers this a big thing. To be very honest, if I were in your shoes, it would not bother me at all - unless it was MY uncle's funeral, and in that case boy would things be different.

[prettybaby]

Absolutely. As someone who has experienced death in the family both personally and through friends, I can tell you that this is 100% true. You have to be really, really empathetic and understanding when someone experiences death in some way. Everyone deals with it differently and it's such a stressful, erratic event that calls for patience.

Yes I know. My aunt passed away 2 years ago, so I know all too well how hard those things are.

 

We have also been to funerals together before, and I can tell you has more affected by his best friend's death.

[CLC2008]

The flower thing would upset me too, but unless you have reason to take it personally, you probably shouldn't. If you two were married, then yes, but not in this case.

 

I think though you're going to have to take the bullet on this one given that it is a funeral, a family member has passed away, and like someone stated, we all deal with grief differently both emotionally and mentally.

[prettybaby]

The last thing the family is going to be considering is you or anyone else. They've got enough to worry about, including and especially dealing with grief.

Exactly. This is why I asked him from day one. I've been to enough funerals to know that this is not the type of thing you can figure out well on the spot. Because people come in their own little groups, people cry and grieve and they're just not in a state to help anyone out who's on the side. Because odds are they won't even notice anyone on the side.

 

Like I said, I do not know them that well. I mean, sure, we've had family dinners and such, but not enough to say that I'm completely comfortable with them and that they'll even wonder about me tomorrow.

 

I can assure you though, if I DON'T show up, then they'll notice quick enough and think I'm being rude and insensitive. So I'll still have to go.

 

I mean, I'll just suck it up and figure out something. I just wanted to check whether I was being crazy here for being frustrated with him.

[prettybaby]

Can you ask them if you get on with his Mum? They'd probably hate to see you left out, and will likely be a little embarrassed at his behaviour.

 

Try not to get too wound up about this...there's likely going to some sort of family 'do' afterwards and you don't want to be sulking with eachother there....he's probably very nervous about what he's got to do at the funeral, and seing all those people - friends and family etc.

 

He probably needs you but just doesn't know it yet. It's one of those situations where you just have to put your own feelings aside and be there for him -- he will appreciate it at some point...just maybe not right now.

Thanks! I really appreciate your kind words. I will try to keep your response in mind tomorrow to stay in good spirits.

[BackUpOrGetStung]

I still say don't go.

[prettybaby]

I still say don't go.

It's not an option, sorry. His family will not appreciate me not going and it will blow this situation way out of proportion. It's easier to go and let it slide than to create some family drama.

[mansquito]

Uh, so the issue is that you don't want to have to cool your heels for 45 minutes before mass? And you asked him to make arrangements to avoid this imposition a week in advance? And he blew you off?

 

Asking him to make special plans for you was pretty unreasonable. It's less than an hour, and his family undoubtedly have their minds on more important things. He sounds like he's pretty passive with them, and reluctant to seem like he's imposing.

 

That said, he didn't exactly handle it in the best way by blowing you off for a week. He should have said, "Honey, I just heard I'm going to be a pallbearer. We're going to have to show up early, so you're probably going to end up hanging out with nothing to do. Is that cool?"

 

And you should have said "Of course, dear. I'm sure I'll find some way to make myself useful."

 

Let the concert thing slide. He had plans in advance, and could probably use the opportunity to blow off some steam.

[BackUpOrGetStung]

Ok, then just show up for the mass at 10.

[ReadyforLove]

I'm confused why you feel like you need to have a plan in order to attend a funeral? Why not just go early and make yourself useful. Ask the family if you could help them with anything, or just go take a seat somewhere and wait for mass to start. It's really not that big of a deal I wouldn't be too upset about it. He clearly isn't involved enough to be coordinating a comfortable situation on your behalf.

[prettybaby]

Uh, so the issue is that you don't want to have to cool your heels for 45 minutes before mass? And you asked him to make arrangements to avoid this imposition a week in advance?

 

Yes, because this could potentially become extremely awkard, and since I'm not comfortable with this people, it's something I really wanted to avoid. I do not know how it's going to be there at 9:15am.

 

-1- If I'm gonna be sitting there in a corner alone for an hour, they'll be wondering what the hell I'm doing there doing nothing and why there were no better arrangements. Which of course nobody will actually ask me directly, so I will not be able to explain that if I could have made better arrangements, I would have. I cannot possibly take out a laptop or a book in church, while the coffin is there. That's extremely rude.

 

-2- If I do go out and have a cup of coffee somewhere, I'll have to worry about getting back there at the right time. If I happen to arrive after the biggest part of the people show up, and that no one has reserved a seat for me, I could end up sitting at the very back while my boyfriend's there at the front. And then this could make it extremely chaotic when we exit the church, because traditionally: close family and their spouses leave first and then they lead the way to the cemetary while the rest follows. If I'm stuck at the back, I will have to work my way out fast so I can catch up with them. The church is going to be packed, and this is a formal catholic funeral.

 

I mean, it could all play out fine. I'm just explaining why this is something simple that could have been figured out easily one week ago. And now that it hasn't been figured out, it's something simple that could turn into a fiasco.

 

I'll suck it up either way, but I'm just trying to show you why this is something that made sense to be discussed in advance.

 

I understand that funerals are stressful to organize. But he didn't have to organize jack. In fact he doesn't even know exactly what he'll be doing tomorrow. So he had one whole week to simply ask his mom or whoever "hey, can she stick with you guys before mass?" How hard was it, really? It's something I would have figured out for him in 5 min tops if he had been in my shoes.

[prettybaby]

Why not just go early and make yourself useful.

There will be nothing for me to do there. The flower arrangements will already be set by the funeral home and my boyfriend, his brother and his dad will be standing to greet people coming in. Everything has been arranged already. I just don't know what exactly, since I've had zero news about it all.

 

 

So it's either:

 

- I sit there alone and do nothing for an hour so I can at least make sure I have my seat saved, since there are risks that no one will bother saving one for me. And while his aunt wants me there, I cannot imagine her worrying about my seat while she's grieving her late husband.

 

- Or I go out, get me some coffee, come back for mass and risk losing my seat, then causing extra headaches during and after mass because of the logistics of it all. Since my boyfriend didn't bother making sure about any of this.

 

I mean, I have been completely left out. So while I am expected to attend, I have absolutely zero information about how this is all gonna work out. Especially since it's not a regular little funeral. It's a big, complicated, formal Catholic funeral.