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Girlfriend Doesn't like being touched?


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Old 2nd April 2010, 4:51 AM   #1
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Girlfriend Doesn't like being touched?

So my girlfriend and i have been dating for about 5 months. She is my first real girlfriend as i am her first real boyfriend. We are both virgins and 20 years old. When we first started dating, we would kiss and hug each other all the time, and everything seemed to be going fine. But when it came time to going further than that, i would always get to nervous, and i would have to find a reason to stop saying something like i was tired or wanted to go to bed. Then she told me she wanted to take a break because she felt like i didn't like her anymore. This caused me to realize how much i liked her and wanted her back. So we got back together. But things haven't been the same. For a while, we were progressing fine, we would each make slow advancement on each other, and eventually we would give each other handjobs and fingering.

Lately though, she hasn't been into it. she says that she feels this enormous pressure to have sex and be a normal girlfriend and due to that reason she becomes to self conscious. She says she doesn't like to be touched, and that she has always been that way. She says she has this anxiety when someone touches her, even if its me, that makes her extremely self conscious and she hates it. She says that if we didn't have the title Boyfriend and Girlfriend, then she would be more ok with having sex, but since we have that title she feels that she has to live up to this role of being a girlfriend (I.E. constantly texting me, holding my hand, being next to me) like a normal person. But its because she feels this pressure to be a normal girlfriend, it is keeping her from being able to act like a normal girlfriend. We never show PDA because it make both of us very self conscious, Her more than me though.

She says she likes me a lot, but thinks that she will never be able to be a good girlfriend. She says she is attracted to me, and wants to have sex with me, but her problems are getting in the way. There are times where when she leaves i want to hug her goodbye, but she just doesn't want to be near me at all, and would rather me not touch her at all. This make me think that she doesn't like me anymore, but she claims that that is not true. She also says that when we took that break(which was about 2 months into dating), that she put her mind in defensive mode, and now has trouble breaking me out of the friends zone. I really like her and wish that she would/could show the same affection to me as i want to show to her. She says she is use to bing independent, and that its hard for her to turn herself over to me. She doesn't like the not being in control of her body. What do you guys think?

she was never sexually abused as a child, but she says she was ugly and fat as a child. she thinks this may have something to do with it. Do you think this has a large deal to do with how she is feeling? some times i feel like we are perfect for each other, and other times i feel we should just be friends. But i dont want to loose her, because we are pretty close, and getting a new girlfriend would be a lot of effort i dont want to put forth.
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Old 2nd April 2010, 5:26 AM   #2
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I think you need to have a talk with her and consider ending the relationship.

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Originally Posted by thebear08 View Post
So my girlfriend and i have been dating for about 5 months. She is my first real girlfriend as i am her first real boyfriend. We are both virgins and 20 years old. When we first started dating, we would kiss and hug each other all the time, and everything seemed to be going fine. But when it came time to going further than that, i would always get to nervous, and i would have to find a reason to stop saying something like i was tired or wanted to go to bed. Then she told me she wanted to take a break because she felt like i didn't like her anymore.
This whole thing was kind of bad on your part. I understand you were nervous since you're a virgin but it probably did re-inforce a lot of insecurities in your GF. It's good you got back together but it almost seems like she may be getting some kind of subconscious revenge on you now.

Quote:
Lately though, she hasn't been into it. she says that she feels this enormous pressure to have sex and be a normal girlfriend and due to that reason she becomes to self conscious. She says she doesn't like to be touched, and that she has always been that way. She says she has this anxiety when someone touches her, even if its me, that makes her extremely self conscious and she hates it. She says that if we didn't have the title Boyfriend and Girlfriend, then she would be more ok with having sex, but since we have that title she feels that she has to live up to this role of being a girlfriend (I.E. constantly texting me, holding my hand, being next to me) like a normal person. But its because she feels this pressure to be a normal girlfriend, it is keeping her from being able to act like a normal girlfriend. We never show PDA because it make both of us very self conscious, Her more than me though.
This doesn't sound like she doesn't want to be touched. It sounds like she doesn't want to be in a relationship. It also sounds like BS. Saying that she'd be fine being affectionate and even having sex if you weren't dating is just STUPID. It makes no sense and it seems like she's just giving you a bunch of empty semantics instead of being honest.

Quote:
She says she likes me a lot, but thinks that she will never be able to be a good girlfriend. She says she is attracted to me, and wants to have sex with me, but her problems are getting in the way. There are times where when she leaves i want to hug her goodbye, but she just doesn't want to be near me at all, and would rather me not touch her at all.
This seems completely unacceptable. You're both virgins so I understand if either person needs to take time to decide if they're ready to have sex but not wanting to hug or touch you is just cold and unfair. It seems very clear she's not interested in a relationship and I see no reason why you should continue to go on with the charade.

Quote:
She says she is use to bing independent, and that its hard for her to turn herself over to me. She doesn't like the not being in control of her body. What do you guys think?
I think she's either BSing you or she's got some serious issues that you don't need to be a part of. One thing you'll learn as you get older is that you can't fix someone you're dating. If she has problems, it's up to her to fix them rather than make them your problems. If you stay with this girl, she's just going to screw you up as well. I know that sounds cold but it's true.

Quote:
she was never sexually abused as a child, but she says she was ugly and fat as a child. she thinks this may have something to do with it. Do you think this has a large deal to do with how she is feeling?
I was fat. I've dated girls who used to be fat. It may lead to some insecurities but it doesn't account for being so cold as to not wanting to touch. It also doesn't explain her viewing sex as you taking "control" of her. Once again, she's either BSing your or she has issues which you're not going to be able to fix.

Quote:
some times i feel like we are perfect for each other, and other times i feel we should just be friends. But i dont want to loose her, because we are pretty close, and getting a new girlfriend would be a lot of effort i dont want to put forth.
So, you're rather stick with a girl who has said flat out she doesn't want to be your girlfriend and doesn't want you to touch her rather than take the time to look for someone else? And you're doing this largly because you think finding a new GF will be TOO MUCH WORK? I guess you've made your bed then. I'm guessing that another few years of a sexless, affectionless relationship with someone who doesn't want you may convince you that it's worth the time to start looking again. Now, wouldn't it make more sense to deal with this sooner rather than later? Especially since, at your age, the longer you stay in a toxic relationship the longer it is likely to damage you and your future relationships.
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Old 2nd April 2010, 6:12 AM   #3
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What's causing you to become so nervous that you stop and then lie to her about your reason for stopping when things escalate towards sex? That's what you really need to work through in your mind before her desire for your touch can return.
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Old 2nd April 2010, 10:23 AM   #4
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Shes lying to you. She isnt attracted to you anymore and is afraid to end the relationship because she doesnt know what shes doing. But when a woman doesnt want you to touch her, its because she isnt attracted to you anymore. Once she said she friend zoned you, thats it. You need to break it off with her and dont have any contact with her for a few months at least. Maybe she will be like you and decide that she wants you back, but you have to end this now to work on it.
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Old 2nd April 2010, 5:46 PM   #5
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she has struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time now, do you think this could be a factor? also she says she doesn't want any other guy other than me.
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Old 2nd April 2010, 6:25 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thebear08 View Post
she has struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time now, do you think this could be a factor? also she says she doesn't want any other guy other than me.
She'll tell you whatever you need to hear to keep you around while she looks elsewhere for a new guy, or to keep you around while she decides whatto do with you. Leave her alone for a while, if she's really depressed and has anxiety, she needs to work on that on her own. You need to back off from her, let her miss you.
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Old 2nd April 2010, 10:17 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by boogieboy View Post
Shes lying to you. She isnt attracted to you anymore and is afraid to end the relationship because she doesnt know what shes doing. But when a woman doesnt want you to touch her, its because she isnt attracted to you anymore. Once she said she friend zoned you, thats it. You need to break it off with her and dont have any contact with her for a few months at least. Maybe she will be like you and decide that she wants you back, but you have to end this now to work on it.
This is all true. Though I didn't want to immediately come out and say that before asking the question in my previous post because it seems that he's not yet in the right frame of mind to grasp and accept the harsh reality. Right now he's too wrapped up in analyzing her words and contemplating her feelings and motivations, in hopes of restoring things to the way they were. The fact is, we can objectively see it plain as day that she has checked out because she's no longer into him and thus their relationship is over, she just hasn't told him yet.

I think the truth will finally hit him and make sense when he faces his own anxieties that led to the current situation. Rather than focusing on her, he should be focusing on himself and figuring out why when they were getting physical, he would freak out, withdraw, and then try to conceal his anxiety. Once he faces this, the rest of everything that has unfolded since then will make more sense because he will understand his part in where, how, and why things between them changed.

Thebear08, she's turned off and checked out because you were so uncomfortable multiple times during the onset of sex and instead of discussing it, you tried to cover up your anxiety, which I'm sure helped fuel her own insecurities and anxieties. From the sound of things, you both let misunderstandings linger and build into pressure. The point is, all of this pressure surrounding sex made her eventually no longer want to be physical because she lost her attraction to you. Furthermore, I'm sure on a gut level, she sensed that you were hiding something from her every time you would withdraw and not talk about it. Trying to hide such things in intimate moments will only cause gut level doubts in the other person, because they'll naturally sense that something is off but might not know exactly what because you're trying to avoid acknowledging it yourself. If you let this go unexplained and concealed by lies, it will inevitably work against both of you because it breaks down the intimacy. Pressure and anxiety kill the mood and deception kills trust. If she doubts you and doesn't feel like she understands your intentions, obviously she's not going to want your hands on her body.

My point of telling you all this is to not only hopefully help you understand why she's not feeling it anymore and why we're telling you it's over, but why it's important for you to move on and use this experience to better handle situations with your next girlfriend. Don't think I'm preaching either, I've made the same kind of mistakes. As much as I'm confident in the things I say, I know I still have a lot to learn when it comes to relationships. I wouldn't be here if I thought I had it all figure out .
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Old 3rd April 2010, 11:18 AM   #8
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It's normal for her to feel self conscious and want to hold back. You've gotten pretty far with all the oral sex and stuff. Remember the rule: "You pursue, she paces" Now it's time for you to match her pace. Here's what I would do:

1. Tell her it's not important that you have sex and that you enjoy her like this regardless. Assuming of course that you do. Really mean this. Don't pressure her into doing something she's not ready for.

2. Make her feel super sexy and special every time you're intimate (whether it's oral sex or just a makeout) You do this by telling her indirectly (she will not believe you if you're direct) You could say "Baby, I can't believe how much I'm turned on when I'm with you! You must be really sexy because all I can think about is all these things I want to do to you."

3. Encourage her to express herself and open herself sexually more to you by complimenting her on her ability to get you turned on and her ability to make you feel like a man.

4. Tell her what to do. Tell her how you like it and what you like to have her do to you and encourage her to tell you what she likes and what she fantasizes about. DO NOT be scared of what you might hear. Fantasies are an awesome way for women to get turned on but they don't need to necessarily do it.
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