ashleigh422 Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 Me and a girl friend were talking tonight and she said something that made me wonder.. she said... Nowadays.. I don't think it's unlikely for two people to develop a really great relationship.. even if in the beginning it is mainly about sex and sexual attraction... how combatible the two are in bed may actually help the relationship later.. better to find out now that they click or not.. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 how combatible the two are in bed may actually help the relationship later Not everyone views the bedroom as a combat zone. Link to post Share on other sites
Lakeside_runner Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 Not everyone views the bedroom as a combat zone. :lmao::lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
marsle85 Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 hahahhahaha to which I answer: "true" Link to post Share on other sites
lofi_tokyo Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 I agree: True. Though not in all cases (obviously). Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 Me and a girl friend were talking tonight and she said something that made me wonder.. she said... Nowadays.. I don't think it's unlikely for two people to develop a really great relationship.. even if in the beginning it is mainly about sex and sexual attraction... how combatible the two are in bed may actually help the relationship later.. better to find out now that they click or not.. Agree... it's only one part of a relationship. But it ain't happenin' in the sack it ain't gonna stay on track. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 I've found that frontal assault works pretty well in the bedroom but carpet bombing, not so much. Now the ultimate is shock and awe, albeit some swear by a scorched earth policy. So...if what you're trying to express, is that if a relationship starts primarily with sex, that it's possible to move to a great relationship, that the sex part can help the relationship...anything is possible. Whether it's probable, I call false. When all you have is bing, bang, boom and never get to know each other at the beginning, it's less likely that relationship lazy men are going to bother getting to know you any better. If this was truth, most FWBs would migrate into full blown, great relationships, rather than most crashing and burning badly. Guerrilla tactics rarely work with relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 I think that majority of people will say true but the answer is in fact false. Link to post Share on other sites
harmfulsweetz Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 True. I think in the longer term, if there's no sexual chemistry, or compatibility, the relationship will fail, even if on the surface it's not directly linked to that. However, it's important to note, that early on in sexual relationships, the sex can be awkward, funny, and not very satisfying because of nerves and all sorts of things, it's best to at least give it time and see if it happens. If after a little time, there's still...nothing, then move on. I do think people who have it 'going on' in the bedroom, probably have a higher success rate than those who don't. Sex makes people happier, and if you're having good sex, you're likely to be happier than those who aren't in yourself, and in your relationship. I know in my last relationship the sex wasn't all that good, and I really ought to have realized that and ended it before it got to the point it did. It certainly crept into other areas of our lives, because of my frustration and dissatisfaction. All that being said, I think a lot of younger people base their relationships more solidly around finding a good sexual partner, (as well as good in other areas ) whereas older people (not very old but say more mature) may not be looking for that as such, they want more of a companion etc, but I do think when you are young, it's important to have fireworks. Link to post Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 I just don't see how having sex right away means strong sexual compatibility. People have sex for all kinds of reasons and especially men will have sex with almost anybody that offers. That doesn't mean that they feel strong fireworks for the girl or even that they are having great sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Bejita463 Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 men will have sex with almost anybody that offers. Do we consume large amounts of watermelon, mispronounce the letter L, and make exceptional accountants as well? Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 I had a relationship where I waited for sex. And it was boreing. missionary only. bedroom only. no oral. no basically anything I like to do. she refused to try anything new or different. I got bored & the relationship failed. I still really liked her, but i lost interest in having sex with her. never thought that would happen to me. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 I historically tend to align with TBF on this issue, personally, but feel that two people who are compatible in the sense of how they envision their relationship building process and put equal priority on sex in that process and its maintenance will have the greatest chance of success when sex and sexual attraction is the primary relationship motivator. If they both can maintain that perspective long-term and it's natural, not contrived, then I think they can be successful. Having been married and having had a lot of life intrude on that marriage, very little of it having to do with sex yet the results impacting sex, I'm unclear as to how it would have been if we had been more compatible sexually. Would that have been an immutable, unchangeable constant no matter what else occurred? For me, since sexual attraction and desire flows from intimacy, IDK. Again, compatibility rears its head. Perhaps two people for whom intimacy flows from sex would have surmounted such incursions on intimate relations with sex. OP, have either you or your girlfriend been married? Engaged? I ask because there's a flow to relationships which proceed to those levels. How has that worked for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashleigh422 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Share Posted March 21, 2010 (edited) The reason I asked is becuase. I talked online to a guy for a while, then we met. We had amazing sexual chemistry and of course we were combatible, in other areas, otherwise we wouldn't have met. We slept together and from there out be basically formed a more sexual relationship than actual relationship. After a while of that, I cut ties because I and everyone on LS felt it was turning into a FWB thing. I told him that.. He assured me it wasn't and just becuase things started sexual that didn't mean there wasn't more there. I still was hesitant and called things off. Since then, we have continued to talk online through email. I gave him my new number and he has been trying to take me out on a "real" date and wants to give it a go again.. I feel that we would have a great relationship.. if we could get to that place first.. BUT.. the dilemma is the fact that no matter what, I still feel this huge urge to be sexual with him.. alot.. all the time when we are together.. so I don't know if I should even meet up again.. Edited March 21, 2010 by ashleigh422 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashleigh422 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Share Posted March 21, 2010 (edited) And I was married.. that was when I was young.. I have been since been engaged, but called it off. The engagement was based on a first dating then more followed. we dated 4 months before we slept together... needless to say for the 5 years we were together.. we never developed the sexual compatibility I thought we would.. Edited March 21, 2010 by ashleigh422 becuase i can't type Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 (edited) To me, it seems, if you truly had been compatible, and had that sexual connection, you'd be having a 'bump' like TBF is and would be married. There's a reason why things happen the way they do. Being married for a decade taught me a lot, primarily about the true and personal parameters of compatibility, which now look markedly different than they did prior to being married. With this 'guy', how much of his genuine interest in you was separate from his desire to have sex with you? To me, if there had been genuine interest, given your statements about compatibility, I doubt anyone would have been talking about FWB, rather engagements and weddings On edit, having read your statements about being married, they might align somewhat with what my stbx might say if being truthful. What I learned is there is a balance of both (passion and compatibility) that is uniquely healthy for each couple. All of us are different. If you want to explore this, accept his actions as his truth. The pleasures of the flesh are wired into our brains to ensure survival of the species. Beyond that, everything else is up to you. What do you want? Edited March 21, 2010 by carhill Link to post Share on other sites
Author ashleigh422 Posted March 21, 2010 Author Share Posted March 21, 2010 I don't know.. based upon my last LTR.. I'd say it sounds smart, for me, to explore the passionate part and make sure that element is there before over committing to someone.. WOW.. that seems very forward of me I think.. Also, as an aside, it is very hard to decide to put oneself out there.. and trust someone... when he says he really wants more than just sex, but I guess you have to put yourself out there and not hold back? Link to post Share on other sites
Bejita463 Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 Also, as an aside, it is very hard to decide to put oneself out there.. and trust someone... when he says he really wants more than just sex, but I guess you have to put yourself out there and not hold back? It would be really easy to test whether or not he wants more than sex from you by simply not giving him sex. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 when he says he really wants more than just sex, but I guess you have to put yourself out there and not hold back? What he says is irrelevant, IMO. If he truly is interested in a relationship, a complete and intimate relationship, his actions will speak volumes. If his first, or early moves, are towards the flesh, beyond expressing physical (non-sexual) affection, then that is his truth. Accept it. He's counting on that 'crazy, passionate' sex memory to still be there in your brain and will push time-honored buttons to activate it. If he chooses to go there first, and obviate his words with his actions, cut him off immediately and permanently. That's my opinion. You know he hasn't been pining away celibate for you during your time apart, right? Yes. Like a bee which flits from flower to flower, such are the days of our lives Link to post Share on other sites
SadandConfusedWA Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 Do we consume large amounts of watermelon, mispronounce the letter L, and make exceptional accountants as well? It is well known that (most) men view sex differently than women. When I write things like "men will have sex with anyone that offers" I actually mean "most men will have sex with anyone that offers". "Most" is implied and I don't think it needs to be written to avoid people like you taking cheap shots. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 Sexual compatibility is important in any viable relationship. But it's not the foot to leverage off of, if you're looking for anything long-term. I was wrong using the term Guerrilla tactics. What you're trying to use is a form of covert ops, where you infiltrate the enemy's camp and make yourself necessary within their ops, with the hopes that the top dog notices you, enough to promote you to "girlfriend" material. Most often, men know within seconds, who they consider relationship material and who they consider, a tumble. So if a guy is looking to get laid, as carhill has expressed, he will make this known in both words and actions. Same goes for a guy who's interested in more than just sex. When in doubt, consider it the former. Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 She's half right. There is this big lie in the culture that sex shouldn't be that important. Nonsense. Sexual compatibility is vital to a strong relationship. On that level, I think your GF is right. Where she may be wrong is in believing sexual intimacy regularly leads to emotional intimacy. It doesn't. Think of the classic FWB relationhip. What most men like about FWB is precisely the lack of emotional intimacy. A guy in a FWB gets all the benefits of having a GF, but with no strings--the ultimate win/win scenario for him. Relationships that start that way almost never lead anywhere because one of the partners--usually the man--doesn't want them to. Link to post Share on other sites
Bejita463 Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 It is well known that (most) men view sex differently than women. When I write things like "men will have sex with anyone that offers" I actually mean "most men will have sex with anyone that offers". "Most" is implied and I don't think it needs to be written to avoid people like you taking cheap shots. It was "mostly" a joke. The "most" part doesn't make it entirely better though, I'd wager. If my being serious is required for it to not be a "cheap shot" however, I submit that I have known very, very few guys who I believe would sleep with anyone that offered. That generalization is about as accurate as the humor I offered, in my experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovehim Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 ok no offense to anyone BUT honestly every guy i have asked and had this discussion with..i mean EVERY GUY has told me that they would not consider someone girlfriend potential if she sleeps with them too soon. They say a girl who sleeps with you too soon appears easy, and it turns them off. They prefer to get to know the girl and I agree with them. Sex with someone you hardly know, no matter how good it may be, is very different from having sex with someone you like and have feelings for. Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovehim Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 and another thing..who's to say that having sex too soon means having GREAT sex and that waiting for sex to happen means having not so good sex? plus the sexual connection can be seen not only through sex, you can tell by how the two people kiss each other, at least speaking for myself I can tell how passionate someone is by the way we kiss, by the way we touch etc. The answer to this is false (for most cases). This type of mentality is what makes women call men pigs, wen in reality there are a lot of good men out there. Wifey material doesn't give it up easy. Period. Carry yourself like a queen and you will attract a king. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts