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Boyfriend Being Disrespectful in Public


UpandAway

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Hi,

 

I've been with my bf for about 3 monthes now and things are mostly going well. But there has been something annoying me about my boyfriend for a few weeks now. I don't know if I'm being oversensitive so I'll just see what you guys think. :)

 

My boyfriend invited me to a his friend's party a month ago. I hadn't seen him for over two weeks prior to this (due to work commitments, college and the distance between where we live) so I was really looking forward to seeing him and spending time with him. On the day, we were having a good time, until he started to drink. He was being really sweet telling me how nice I looked, etc, etc. We were just hanging out with his friends having fun. Then the guys (his friends) started talking about girls and who they thought was hot and all that. I was fine with all this until my boyfriend pipes up , talking about some girl who from what I gathered had a ''hot body'' but wasn't very pretty. My boyfriend felt the need to announce in front of me that he "would have f*cked her if he was drunk".

 

I felt so awkward and embarrassed and hurt. I was just standing there like an idiot and didn't know what to do. I wanted to walk away but I didn't want to cause a scene and besides there was nowhere for me to go, as I didnt know anyone there really, apart from my boyfriend.

 

He also during the course of the evening made a 'joke' about me ''looking for attention'' from his friends because I was offering to help them with their girl problems (and they were asking me advice, I was just trying to help :confused:). His exact words were, "Don't mind her, she's just looking for attention" :o I'm quite shy and reserved and he knows this, so I've no idea why he said that. He said he was ''just joking'' but I felt hurt.

 

I havn't really explained to him how much this all upset me, partly because I don't want him to think I'm clingy or weird and also because for the most part he's really , really sweet and nice. I suppose it's because he's usually so nice, that this behaviour shocked me. I've said it to him in a joking way and he didn't seem to remember what he had said. He just remarked, "I really shouldn't say stuff like that around you when I'm drunk."

 

Any advice? Am I over-reacting?

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No, I don't think you are overreacting. It is pretty embarrassing to be put in that situation. However, when we're drunk, we do tend to say things we forget. I'm telling you when guys get together, that's what they talk about. Not all guys, but most. I suggest that next time if there's going to be drinking and he'll be with his mates, just don't go with him. If he asks why, tell him what happened i.e. what he said.

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It has not been my experience that most guys talk like that at all, let alone in front of someone they are supposed to care about and respect.

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Definitely not in front of people they care about. I guess I'm taking it from a different perspective where maturity and age comes into play. However, from my experience you throw a couple of immature guys in there and give them drinks, that's what they talk about. In saying that, this is more of a private setting, where only guys are "invited". So, I stand corrected. This would be humiliation, especially if it's public.

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Thanks for the response, guys. :)

 

I suppose I should give a bit more info, re: the comment about maturity and age. I'm 21 and my bf is 22. :)

 

I wasn't particurly annoyed at my bf talking about women he finds attractive as he does it quite a lot anyway. We often will discuss or point out people we find hot and tell each other. I'm perfectly at ease about porn and strip clubs, too, so it's not about me being jealous or anything like that. Maybe I'm too laidback about this kind of thing and he thinks appropriate to make comments like he did, because he thinks it doesn't bother me?

 

But actually saying in front of his mates that he would bang some chick, like I wasn't even there... it just didn't sit right with me. I know I'll talk like that about men privately with my girlfriends but I wouldn't say "oh, I would totally do him" in front of my boyfriend. I would just feel like I was totally disregarding his feelings.

 

I basically feel like he either just didn't even consider my feelings at all, or thinks of me as ''one of the boys'' and he can just say stuff like that in front of me and I won't care. Either way, I wasn't very impressed with him.

 

One of my friends who I've told about this made the point that it's far too early in the reltionship for these kind of things to be happening- like he should still be trying to keep in my good books , so to be speak, shouldn't he?

 

I don't know if I should bring it up ith him again because it was a month ago at this stage. Also, I've gone out partying with him and his friends before and had a great time. This is the first time he has been disrespectful towards me in front of them. The 'joke' that he made about me wanting attention didn't make me feel too good either. :confused:

 

It's a shame because he really is a nice guy in every other way.

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Maybe you're right. Maybe he feels really comfortable with you that he can say just about anything in front of you. Despite that, I still find it extremely inappropriate to mention "doing" a girl he finds hot to his friends whilst you were there. Also, as you pointed out, the comment he made about wanting attention was definitely uncalled for.

 

You cannot put up with this all the time. So, I think this time, maybe let it slide. Hopefully it was just a one off. However, the next time he does something like this, bring it up and let him know how you feel because it could be that he just doesn't know you feel that way and thought you were okay with it. It cannot become common grounds that he's allowed to express derogatory views in front his mates whilst with you.

 

As for trying to keep in your good books, I don't think it should be so much as trying but more so being second nature to him, if that makes sense. That's just my opinion anyway. I understand that some would try harder in the early stages but there's also forcing yourself to be something you're not.

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Jersey Shortie

You got some red flags here.

 

"Don't mind her, she's just looking for attention"

 

This concerns me more then just talking about attractive women. However, it's still pretty scummy that he would talk about other women he would bang.

 

But this comment above is really bad. It's pretty darn demeaning. I would be really concerned about this comment.

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make me believe

Your guy shouldn't be talking about f*cking another girl AT ALL, let alone in front of you. How disrespectful and embarrassing! He made you look like a fool. The comment about you just looking for attention was also very demeaning, as jersey pointed out. Your boyfriend sounds immature and disrespectful. I wouldn't put up with that behavior.

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He's an idiot when he's drunk. Thats the way he is, you probably wont be able to change that. It might be how he really feels about you. You can ask him dso he can deny it, or you can accept thats the way he is and just dont be around him and his friends.

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As for trying to keep in your good books, I don't think it should be so much as trying but more so being second nature to him, if that makes sense. That's just my opinion anyway. I understand that some would try harder in the early stages but there's also forcing yourself to be something you're not.

 

I do understand where you're coming from, but it just seems to me that in the early stages of going out with someone you're still on 'good behaviour'. Like, if you really liked the person (and my bf says he loves me), then surely you would go out of your way to avoid embarrassing them like my bf did to me?

 

Thanks for the rest of your advice by the way. :)

 

 

You got some red flags here.

 

This concerns me more then just talking about attractive women. However, it's still pretty scummy that he would talk about other women he would bang.

 

But this comment above is really bad. It's pretty darn demeaning. I would be really concerned about this comment.

 

Yeah, it really made me think about him in a different way. When we first got together he was very shy and sweet, almost afraid to say anything that would potentially offend me. While I'm glad he's more relaxed around me now, I don't want to be a doormat and let him get away with putting me down like that in public.

 

The thing is, most of the time he treats me like a princess (compliments, surprises, lots of affection). It's just at this party he was acting quite out of character. :(

 

Your guy shouldn't be talking about f*cking another girl AT ALL, let alone in front of you. How disrespectful and embarrassing! He made you look like a fool. The comment about you just looking for attention was also very demeaning, as jersey pointed out. Your boyfriend sounds immature and disrespectful. I wouldn't put up with that behavior.

 

This has basically been the response of my girlfriends who I've told about this. That's why I'm wondering as to whether I should bring it up with him or just let it slide this one time.

 

I don't know whether it's a once-off, or as Jersey, points out a red flag.

 

He's an idiot when he's drunk. Thats the way he is, you probably wont be able to change that. It might be how he really feels about you. You can ask him dso he can deny it, or you can accept thats the way he is and just dont be around him and his friends.

 

Well, the thing is, I've been around him when he was drunk with his friends before and he was fine. It's just this particular night he was being an idiot.

 

Would you mind explaining what you mean by "it might be how he really feels about you"? Do you mean it seems like he doesn't like me as much as he says he does, so that's why he was being an idiot?

 

Thanks for your input, it's much appreciated. :D

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The real problem is, he changes when he's been drinking. He become an a-hole and just blurts out anything and everything. Some people can't handle their liquor and he seems like that type of guy.

 

So, the question is, what happens now? Is he worth it? Not saying he's got a drinking problem, an alcholic, but he isn't the guy you love when he drinks.

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The real problem is, he changes when he's been drinking. He become an a-hole and just blurts out anything and everything. Some people can't handle their liquor and he seems like that type of guy.

 

So, the question is, what happens now? Is he worth it? Not saying he's got a drinking problem, an alcholic, but he isn't the guy you love when he drinks.

 

Well, he has had issues in the past with drinking. And handling his emotions in general. Some of the stories he's told me... he actually just sounds like a totally different person when he's drinking heavily .

I knew this about him before the party, I just didn't think he would change in his behaviour towards me so radically just because he was drinking a lot. I guess I thought he respected me more than that.

 

I would like to think he's worth it and the relationship is worth it. Again, he is the sweetest person ever when he's sober (and most of the time when he's drinking with me), it was just this one time where he wasn't acting like who I thought he was at all and it upset me.

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Jersey Shortie
Yeah, it really made me think about him in a different way. When we first got together he was very shy and sweet, almost afraid to say anything that would potentially offend me. While I'm glad he's more relaxed around me now, I don't want to be a doormat and let him get away with putting me down like that in public.

 

The thing is, most of the time he treats me like a princess (compliments, surprises, lots of affection). It's just at this party he was acting quite out of character.

 

Talk to him about it. Tell him how you felt and ask him if that's what he really thinks of you. If he justifies it, or ignores it, then you still got more red flags.

 

I'm not saying your guy is abusive but even in abusive relationships, the guy brings flowers and can be sweet at times.

 

That one comment is just really really really demeaning and it would alert me to issues.

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Considering the venue and comments made, my boundary would be 'two strikes and you're out'.

 

Part of remaining healthy in a relationship or marriage is being willing to walk if you don't feel valued or respected. Ask your dear heart if he'd talk that way in front of his mother or about her in such terms regarding women. Listen :)

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My boyfriend felt the need to announce in front of me that he "would have f*cked her if he was drunk".

 

Any advice? Am I over-reacting?

 

That's a huge red flag.

 

I suggest that next time if there's going to be drinking and he'll be with his mates, just don't go with him.

 

I don't know if I'd feel great about leaving him alone when drunk considering what he had said...:eek:

 

That comment would have been a deal breaker for me.

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