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6 months too soon to live together?


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Old 8th February 2010, 7:05 PM   #1
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6 months too soon to live together?

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 months, and recently we've started to talk about me moving in with him in a couple of months time, when my contract on my current apartment is up. He made the initial suggestion. For me, this is a classic head vs heart situation...ie my heart really really wants to move in with him, but my head wonders if 6 months is too soon...

The pros:
- Our relationship has been going really really well for the past four months, we usually spend every weekend together already (at his house) and also one or two evenings during the week either at his place or mine. So we already spend what I feel like is a lot of time together. I can't anticipate any particular problems (ie of compatability) in living together full time. Obviously there's bound to be something I'm not foreseeing, because life's like that, but unless I'm missing something I don't think it would be a deal-breaker. Basically I feel completely comfortable around him, and him with me.

- I currently live in a really expensive, small, shared, rented apartment that I can no longer afford. The city I live in is REALLY expensive, and even if I find another apartment when the lease on this one is up, it would still be expensive but be even smaller.

- He owns his own (big) house in the suburbs, which I would move into. He would still retain full ownership of the house. I would just pay money towards the bills, groceries etc.

- Before I moved to this city last year, I lived with my best friend for five years in a shared apartment, and I really miss living with someone I feel close to...I don't really have any sort of friendship with the pesron I currently share an apartment with. I miss sharing everyday moments with another person I'm close to. And I really miss my boyfriend when I'm not with him. These two things combined seem to suggest living together is a good idea.

The cons
- At the moment our relationship is going so so well. I know that we both really look forward to seeing each other when we're not together. That makes the time we spend together special. Our relationship still feels romantic. I'm a little worried that by moving in together we'll cut short the romance stage of the relationship somehow, and lose the special-ness that comes with anticipation of seeing each other...

...that's pretty much my only con. For us, living together wouldn't necessarily imply a new level of commitment, ie "now we live a shared life and are going to be together forever". Neither of us ever want to get married. If things didn't work out between us, its not like it would be complicated for us to separate, I'd just move out and start renting my own place again since the house would remain his.

Living together just feels like something that we both would like to do, and also it makes a lot of financial sense. We'd both still do our own things some of the time. We're busy people, and we wouldn't be together all evening, every evening. Basically I really want to do it, and it seems crazy not to, but the logical voice in my head just says "6 months is too soon". Is this just an arbitrary thing society has taught me that actually its OK to ignore in my situation, or should I take this voice more seriously?
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Old 8th February 2010, 7:36 PM   #2
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To me 6 months sounds about right. I am hoping that the guy I am seeing are talking about moving in together around that time (even if it's just talk) otherwise I am dumping him.
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Old 8th February 2010, 7:53 PM   #3
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River,

You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders ! You've already done the pro/con list and if he feels the same way : go for it !

Life is too short for rules, and you're not playing some sort of game while waiting for a proposal, so why not ?

You have presented a cogent argument for the pro's, so again, I am seeing little loss and much potential gain !

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Old 8th February 2010, 7:58 PM   #4
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I've always thought it was utterly pointless to live together with a significant other, and I personally wouldn't even consider it unless we had already been together 2+ years. Most couples I've known who moved in together at a young age (early to mid 20s) tended to be pretty disastrous, especially if you have roommates. There's no greater killjoy than living with an annoying couple. Do it at your own risk.
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Old 8th February 2010, 8:08 PM   #5
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It looks like you have examined both sides pretty well. Ultimately the choice is yours, but here are a few other questions for consideration.

Have you also considered things like commute to your job, etc. Will you be saving any money while living there in case things don't work out so that you can move out if the time comes? Have you discussed that with him? Have you discussed the exact financial contribution he expects you to make to the relationship? Do you see either of you changing your mind and wanting marriage?

I'm also for breaking all of societies dating "rules" b/c you must do what feels right for you.
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Old 8th February 2010, 9:02 PM   #6
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Thanks for the replies everyone.

CrazyMagnet - good questions. We haven't discussed the details of finances yet, I don't really want to start getting into that until I've really made my mind up how I feel about moving in with him. But there's no way it could be more expensive than my current situation ;-) My commute would be longer, but not significantly.

TheBigQuestion - we wouldn't be living with roomates, we'd be living on our own in his house. And we're not in our early twenties, I'm late 20s, he's early 30s. So neither of those things are really concerns for me. Why do you think living with a signiicant other is pointless? Do you mean that you believe people shouldn't live together until after marriage?
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Old 9th February 2010, 12:09 AM   #7
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I moved in officially with my boyfriend after 6 months of dating. Technically I moved in after 4 months but was still paying rent for own apartment. I loved him very much, but looking back, I wish I never moved in with him. If I could afford a nice apartment on my own, I would have had my own place. I was too young(26) to move in and act like a wife when I needed to get my life in order first. You might be in a better place financially and career wise than I was, so if you are...I say why not.
But me personally I wouldnt do it again.


Quote:
Originally Posted by river83 View Post
I've been with my boyfriend for 4 months, and recently we've started to talk about me moving in with him in a couple of months time, when my contract on my current apartment is up. He made the initial suggestion. For me, this is a classic head vs heart situation...ie my heart really really wants to move in with him, but my head wonders if 6 months is too soon...

The pros:
- Our relationship has been going really really well for the past four months, we usually spend every weekend together already (at his house) and also one or two evenings during the week either at his place or mine. So we already spend what I feel like is a lot of time together. I can't anticipate any particular problems (ie of compatability) in living together full time. Obviously there's bound to be something I'm not foreseeing, because life's like that, but unless I'm missing something I don't think it would be a deal-breaker. Basically I feel completely comfortable around him, and him with me.

- I currently live in a really expensive, small, shared, rented apartment that I can no longer afford. The city I live in is REALLY expensive, and even if I find another apartment when the lease on this one is up, it would still be expensive but be even smaller.

- He owns his own (big) house in the suburbs, which I would move into. He would still retain full ownership of the house. I would just pay money towards the bills, groceries etc.

- Before I moved to this city last year, I lived with my best friend for five years in a shared apartment, and I really miss living with someone I feel close to...I don't really have any sort of friendship with the pesron I currently share an apartment with. I miss sharing everyday moments with another person I'm close to. And I really miss my boyfriend when I'm not with him. These two things combined seem to suggest living together is a good idea.

The cons
- At the moment our relationship is going so so well. I know that we both really look forward to seeing each other when we're not together. That makes the time we spend together special. Our relationship still feels romantic. I'm a little worried that by moving in together we'll cut short the romance stage of the relationship somehow, and lose the special-ness that comes with anticipation of seeing each other...

...that's pretty much my only con. For us, living together wouldn't necessarily imply a new level of commitment, ie "now we live a shared life and are going to be together forever". Neither of us ever want to get married. If things didn't work out between us, its not like it would be complicated for us to separate, I'd just move out and start renting my own place again since the house would remain his.

Living together just feels like something that we both would like to do, and also it makes a lot of financial sense. We'd both still do our own things some of the time. We're busy people, and we wouldn't be together all evening, every evening. Basically I really want to do it, and it seems crazy not to, but the logical voice in my head just says "6 months is too soon". Is this just an arbitrary thing society has taught me that actually its OK to ignore in my situation, or should I take this voice more seriously?
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Old 9th February 2010, 12:22 AM   #8
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Sometimes when it feels right you should just go for it.
If you are a bit older, and the timing is right, why not.
You seem to have your **** together- you don't come across as impulsive- I would probably give it a try myself if I were in your situation.
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