lilac Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 I am in need of some serious advice. I am 27 and work with a guy who is 8 years my senior. We work in the same department and we sit right next to each other. I have known him for over 3 years and we get along great. When I first started working here (3 years ago) he was married. His wife left him in May 2002 and the divorce is almost final. He has 2 kids with her and they have joint custody, but he is the primary. His ex wife is a royal bitch and is horrible to him...they will never get back together. He doesn't want her and she is engaged to another guy (yeah, she's a serial wife). Anyway, we started hanging out more and about 2 months ago, we ended up sleeping together. It was great!!! I only told my best friend and nobody at work knows what is going on. Even though we sit next to each other, we give no indication that there is something going on. We have never disagreed on anything. I was there for him when he went through his divorce and he was there for me when I went through a very painful breakup 10 months ago. We have just recently grown closer. I love spending time with him. He is so sweet and caring and gentle and we have the exact same sense of humor. One of my friends is always on my case about hooking up with him... He admitted to me last night that he is falling in love with me and I think I feel the same way. Here is the problem...I don't know how I feel about the kid thing...He has been fixed and probably can't have kids again, although I guess it can be reversed. His kids are great...just don't know if I can deal. Also, how about the fact that we work so closely? Ugh...I don't know what to do...I don't want either one of us to ge hurt, but I do care about him a ton and think we could have a great time... Link to post Share on other sites
maskee28 Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 Personally, I think you should not go any further with this guy, for several reasons: 1. He is still MARRIED. I know his divorce is supposedly almost a done deal, but until it is absolutely final, he remains a married man. 2. He has two kids who mostly live with him, and you're not sure how you "feel about the kid thing". I think it would be extremely unfair to these kids to get into a serious relationship with their father when you feel like this. Firstly, they have already been through the extremely upsetting experience of their parents divorcing, without having to deal with you replacing their mother in their father's affections. Secondly, down the road they may end up quite attached to you, and if you decide later on that you can't "deal" with it, they'll be forced to endure another painful loss. 3. He may NEVER be able to have kids again. Vasectomies are not 100% reversible, and unless you are 100% comfortable with the possibility of never having your own children, dating this man would be a big mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Carly Posted June 18, 2003 Share Posted June 18, 2003 I dunno, Maskee makes some sensible points to consider, but it seems like you and this guy are really falling in love. Couldn't you just slow down and take things one step at a time? Start dating, and testing the waters as a couple. But, for heaven's sake don't move in with the guy!! Maskee is right -- children of divorce go through hell when mommy and daddy start shacking up and breaking up with new partners, one after another. As for not being crazy about the kids. Don't forget that these kids already have a mommy. You should not feel that your job in the relationship is to replace their mom. Besides, to be honest, most people don't really go gagga over other people's kids. I love my kids forever and up to the sky and beyond (as I tell them), but I really am not thrilled about other people's kids hanging around our home for too long. There are lots of great books on parenting after divorce. Maybe you should sneek a peek at some, and get a better feeling for what you are getting into with a divorced dad. But remember, that as well as being a "divorced dad" he is also that great, sensitive guy who you are falling for. On the vasectomy thing -- depends on how long ago he got it, and what type he got. And there are other means of getting pregnant with his sperm, should the, er, need arise. Good luck!! Let us know how things go!!! Link to post Share on other sites
gidget Posted June 19, 2003 Share Posted June 19, 2003 I think you should wait until he is divorced before you make any major decisions. I dated a separated man with two kids for a year and he too "was never going back to this woman" and guess what, he did because she used the children as a way to control him and they owed her parents a lot of money. I too worried about the kids and how I could handle it, but that part worked out and I loved the man so I loved the kids. I'm not saying you shouldn't go for it. Obviously, you seem like you are in love but I'm just saying wait until you see those final divorce papers! Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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