spiderowl Posted February 6, 2010 Share Posted February 6, 2010 Wondering if anyone can shed some light on this for me please? Background is that I have a male friend who I think was interested in me as more than a friend. I liked him but wasn't all that attracted and he is also much younger, so the whole thing seemed a no go. He told me of events coming up that he was going to and offered to accompany me to things I was interested in. At the time, I wondered if it was more than a friends offer, but thought I was imagining it and he was just being friendly. He has said a few things jokingly recently that I have not known how to interpret; e.g., told me he's not good at getting hints if women fancy him. He also called me 'beautiful' but as part of a joke about him not being able to talk to women he fancied, for example. It wasn't at all clear if these comments were aimed at me, so I just listened but didn't really respond. He has never asked me on a date. I have stressed the age gap a few times and, I suppose, made it clear I felt it was significant. Just recently, I've felt his behaviour has changed. He goes off and talks with others more, but leaves his drink with me. He still comes and talks to me and so on but seems to be talking more brash somehow (not with me but with others). He drinks a lot and (it appears to me) seems to be going out of his way to say and do things he knows I wouldn't approve of, mostly to do with smoking and drinking. I guess it's just making the differences between us very obvious. He's also mentioned a woman he fancies, but in a very laddish and loud way (I don't know her and she wasn't present). Truth is, I was starting to find that I was really looking forward to seeing this guy. He was really sweet to me and I was starting to feel more interested in him and attracted. I was really wondering whether a relationship with him might work. Maybe I'd made a mistake by keeping a distance when I was getting the idea that he wanted to spend time alone with me. In the past, I didn't hang out with him on his own or take him up on offers, specifically because I felt he might be interested and it didn't seem a good idea - this guy has never had children and it's not an option for me any more. But now, all of a sudden, it's as if the gentle, sensitive side of my friend is being replaced by someone I don't like much. It's certainly making me distance myself and I feel confused and a bit hurt, though I don't know why. I can't figure out whether I'm just noticing this boorish behaviour more or whether it has become exaggerated. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Zeegagge Posted February 6, 2010 Share Posted February 6, 2010 So now that he's not showing interest in you any more, you're interested in him all of a sudden? Interesting... Don't know quite what to make of it. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted February 6, 2010 Share Posted February 6, 2010 But now, all of a sudden, it's as if the gentle, sensitive side of my friend is being replaced by someone I don't like much. It's certainly making me distance myself and I feel confused and a bit hurt, though I don't know why. I can't figure out whether I'm just noticing this boorish behaviour more or whether it has become exaggerated. Any thoughts? People change. Things change. This is a topic of discussion for the two of you in private. Link to post Share on other sites
soulm8 Posted February 6, 2010 Share Posted February 6, 2010 I have a friend like this (younger and lately he's been flaunting his sexuality) and I choose to simply meet him for coffee. The poor guy basically listens to me vent about my love life! It's not right. I've been thinking of just being completely honest with him (isn't that what we all want?) and let him know that he'll never get out of the friend zone. It sounds to me like you need to date - you only enjoy his company because he's flattering you and you're lonely. Keep looking for the one who doesn't give you "icky" vibes. He's out there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted February 7, 2010 Author Share Posted February 7, 2010 You know I think you're right about how it makes me feel. I guess I'm confused because one minute he's the sweet guy who is a real gentleman who I like very much - and he is, absolutely - but then he turns into the impulsive guy who makes me think 'no'! It's a real pity because he's the first person in a long time who I truly feel has a kind heart, but it would be wrong to start anything by wanting to change the guy and I'm afraid I would. Link to post Share on other sites
soulm8 Posted February 7, 2010 Share Posted February 7, 2010 I liked him but wasn't all that attracted and he is also much younger, so the whole thing seemed a no go. Trust yourself! Do you want him or do you want to genuinely enjoy a man's company and respect him? It's a real pity because he's the first person in a long time who I truly feel has a kind heart, but it would be wrong to start anything by wanting to change the guy and I'm afraid I would. He won't be the last. Perhaps he can introduce you to men closer to your age? It's just my opinion, but I get the idea from your post that he's kind of marking his territory with you (leaving his drink, etc.) as a means to impress others. It's considered "manly" for a guy to "be" with an older woman... (and I find that "icky" ) Link to post Share on other sites
counterman Posted February 7, 2010 Share Posted February 7, 2010 Asks your do you really feel that way about him. If you are half-hearted then don't even consider a relationship. You should discuss it with him because it is affecting you and your situation with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted February 7, 2010 Author Share Posted February 7, 2010 (edited) Thanks for replies, it's really helping to have other perspectives on this. I honestly don't know what I feel about him now. I've always liked his gentle side and would have liked to spend more time with him. I didn't want to lead him on, given that I didn't feel very attracted just thought he was sweet. Something changed though and I realised I was always happy to see him and wanted to spend time with just him. I do get the strong feeling he's attached to me and is unhappy that I'm keeping a distance. I don't think I'm imagining this. What I don't know though is whether he'll be off like a shot if he meets someone his own age. It's that and the fact that he hasn't had his own children that made it seem a bad idea getting involved. But, all that aside, he seems to be going overboard to put me off at the moment. I wouldn't know what to say to him about this; after all, he has no obligations to me, there is no romantic relationship, just friends, and it's up to him if he decides to drink more. I am going to have to keep a distance as I'm feeling alienated now and don't want to join in with conversations of the laddish type. Maybe I needed a dose of reality. Oh, and I do meet men closer to my age, but just haven't met anyone who I've felt has this kind and gentle side who isn't already attached. Edited February 7, 2010 by spiderowl Link to post Share on other sites
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