Dating multiple guys, now stuck.

[Satisfaction]

So to get the last guy I dated out of my head and because I wanted to stop sitting home crying and contemplating I went and chucked myself into multiple dating.

I knew it wasn't a good plan but decided that the distraction may help.

I've met two guys and the rest I've just been texting/talking to. Its been such a disaster.

 

I was texting one guy and got his name wrong! Another guy before I went out to meet him I was feeling so awful and tearful I had to pep talk myself into getting ready and leaving the house. I was sitting there talking to him and he told me how his friend had died in a car accident and I suddenly burst out into tears and had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom.

 

Other people that I've exchanged a few messages with I just can't muster up the energy to write them back. Instead I'm in here writing and commenting on forums.

 

Despite my strange behaviour and state of mind these guys are still talking to me. Why is this? Is it just a chase thing they are interested in me till they feel they have my attention then they will disappear? Or am I giving off some vulnerable vibe they feel attracted to?

[jerbear]

One reason is you respond back to them.

[Satisfaction]

One reason is you respond back to them.

 

You mean because I talk with them?

[jerbear]

You mean because I talk with them?

 

If I like a girl and she responds, I will continue till I find someone else to date, get bored, or she stops responding.

 

If you feel it is a chore to respond to guys and not really interested in dating them, you're not ready.

[Satisfaction]

If I like a girl and she responds, I will continue till I find someone else to date, get bored, or she stops responding.

 

If you feel it is a chore to respond to guys and not really interested in dating them, you're not ready.

 

why would you find someone else to date if she is responding?

 

I know its really stupid to date when I am not ready. People kept telling me the best way to get over someone you only knew for a short time is to meet other people. I had my doubts and I really didn't think I would end up talking to anyone at all because I thought my true feelings and hurt would come through and it wouldn't go anywhere.

 

I feel like I've become the type of person i hate all to try and shorten the recover period

[jerbear]

With multi-dating, I'll be talking to other women too. At some point one, I will focus on one or pass on everyone.

 

I know what you mean about the short term ones. I went on one date with one and it took me about 1 month to getting over her rejection. Then went on another woman and I had no problems getting over her rejection.

[Satisfaction]

Its so strange how that happens!

I've done the same thing with seeing someone for a few weeks and they disappear and it barely affects me at all then suddenly after just one meeting and other times goes so strange.

 

I think I'm missing something here...

[carhill]

I think I'm missing something here...

 

Not at all, IMO. Sounds perfectly normal, even the chaotic and confusing parts.

 

I expect the ladies I approach to be similarly affected. We communicate. We eat. We drink. A few memories are made. Life goes on.

 

IMO, the key is expectations. Keep them in the here and now. The future will take care of itself. Maybe you're not ready. Only way to know is to try.

[Satisfaction]

So you expect the confusion?

apart from this time, I tend not to even meet up with guys unless I feel like we are going somewhere.

I think its a waste of time meeting up with someone otherwise.

I don't like the idea of going throug all the trouble of getting dressed up and chosing a place and having to sit and make convo for hours just for the sake of it!

[TheLoneSock]

So to get the last guy I dated out of my head and because I wanted to stop sitting home crying and contemplating I went and chucked myself into multiple dating.

I knew it wasn't a good plan but decided that the distraction may help.

I've met two guys and the rest I've just been texting/talking to. Its been such a disaster.

 

I was texting one guy and got his name wrong! Another guy before I went out to meet him I was feeling so awful and tearful I had to pep talk myself into getting ready and leaving the house. I was sitting there talking to him and he told me how his friend had died in a car accident and I suddenly burst out into tears and had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom.

 

Other people that I've exchanged a few messages with I just can't muster up the energy to write them back. Instead I'm in here writing and commenting on forums.

 

Despite my strange behaviour and state of mind these guys are still talking to me. Why is this? Is it just a chase thing they are interested in me till they feel they have my attention then they will disappear? Or am I giving off some vulnerable vibe they feel attracted to?

 

The question you pose doesn't even matter. Who knows.

 

The thing here is that you need to do yourself and these guys a huge favor. Stop wasting their time, using their company to try and get over an ex, and stop torturing yourself trying to force-feed dating when you know you're not ready for it. It's a no win situation for you and anyone you string along.

 

Take time out to heal, or else all you'll be doing is re-opening the scabs instead of letting scar tissue develop.

[carhill]

apart from this time, I tend not to even meet up with guys unless I feel like we are going somewhere.

I think its a waste of time meeting up with someone otherwise.

 

Could you define 'going somewhere'?

 

By 'waste of time', can I infer that you otherwise don't enjoy socializing with men?

 

 

Interesting, even in the midst of divorce and the attendant periods of grief/anger/hurt, I still notice (from the dates I've been on) that I enjoy socializing with women and surely don't expect such occasions to necessarily 'go anywhere'. Perhaps that is a function of age, IDK. I'm just happy that I still like women, mostly When asked, I'm honest. My dating profile says I'm separated and I answer any questions about that process honestly. If a woman feels she's 'wasting her time' with me, I certainly don't want that. Lots of other potentials out there.

 

From what I'm hearing, I'll join others in suggesting a break from men for awhile. Heal some more, then try again. I know I'm ready because when I'm with a woman, talk to her, hug her or kiss her, I don't think of my stbx. She's not on my mind. How's it going for you in that way?

[Barky]

For women, "going somewhere" always means the altar. For men, "going somewhere" always means the bedroom.

[meerkat stew]

You aren't ready to date, save yourself further hassle and stop dating until you are ready. Use some other method to forget the ex.

[Satisfaction]

Could you define 'going somewhere'?

Interesting, even in the midst of divorce and the attendant periods of grief/anger/hurt, I still notice (from the dates I've been on) that I enjoy socializing with women and surely don't expect such occasions to necessarily 'go anywhere'. Perhaps that is a function of age, IDK. I'm just happy that I still like women, mostly When asked, I'm honest. My dating profile says I'm separated and I answer any questions about that process honestly. If a woman feels she's 'wasting her time' with me, I certainly don't want that. Lots of other potentials out there.

 

From what I'm hearing, I'll join others in suggesting a break from men for awhile. Heal some more, then try again. I know I'm ready because when I'm with a woman, talk to her, hug her or kiss her, I don't think of my stbx. She's not on my mind. How's it going for you in that way?

 

 

I mean going somewhere as in there is the possibility of having a longlasting relationship with them. So by that I mean I feel a connection or we have interests in common or I find them attractive. I don't mind if they are interested in sex just so long as they are not only interested in sex. And if they are not incredibly handsome that's fine too so long as I get on with them or I feel some kind of spark with them.

 

I don't want a fling, I'm not trying to rush into marriage or living together I want someone I can throw myself into to love completely and love me back.

 

Because of this I won't go out with anyone who is still pining after their ex. I've dated so many guys like that! They see you, you look alot like their ex and they instantly try and slot you in the space their ex used to be. Clearly if I meet someone like that, its a waste of time to date them.

 

There also guys who seem so perfect in everyway who you go out with for a while and all the shiny veneer wears of and you see that they are selfish little bastards who just want someone to live with them so they have a nice warm meal when they get home and someone to help pay the mortgage. Clearly its a waste of time to keep seeing them.

 

I don't go on dates to socialize with men. I have tons of fun people to socialize with. I suppose I'm partner hunting and I want to find "him" and spend time with him and write him poetry and slip notes in his pocket and kiss him and cling onto to him like a koala bear when he is trying to get out of bed in the morning . Its a really big deal for me if a guy does not like touching.

 

I also have a pet hate of guys who don't like texting, and ring at all hours of the day. I always suspect that they don't have jobs and expect me not to have a job or not to need any sleep. I know that's a bit unreasonable though...

 

But aside from those things and I don't think that's asking way too much, I don't want to waste time with rubbish guys.

And the guy i'm trying to get over wasn't my ex. I only knew him for two weeks.

 

I don't hug or kiss guys that I'm just dating in the beginning. Just brief hugs goodbye and stuff. If we have been going out for awhile then yes, I want to make out and see what the sexual chemistry is like as well.

Edited February 6, 2010 by Satisfaction

[Satisfaction]

For women, "going somewhere" always means the altar. For men, "going somewhere" always means the bedroom.

Are you being sarcastic? I can be.

[Satisfaction]

The question you pose doesn't even matter. Who knows.

 

The thing here is that you need to do yourself and these guys a huge favor. Stop wasting their time, using their company to try and get over an ex, and stop torturing yourself trying to force-feed dating when you know you're not ready for it. It's a no win situation for you and anyone you string along.

 

Take time out to heal, or else all you'll be doing is re-opening the scabs instead of letting scar tissue develop.

 

I just want to know, because if its something that I'm doing wrong I would like to change, because sometimes the kind of of guy I end up meeting sometimes makes me worry that I'm attracting them in some base, primal way. These type of men make me worry about the world I'm living in, honestly. How would you feel if you ended up with psycho after pscyho? You would start to worry if you ended up with nutter after nutter and worry it was something you were doing wrong. I was just wondering, if I was noncholant and guys stuck around if maybe i was being too keen and attentive and that attracted a certain kind of guy?

 

I know what you are saying about taking time to move on. I thought it would be different in this case as I only knew they guy for a short tie. I will never do it again! In the meantime I am stuck with two guys and a bunch of unanswered emails. I should just hide my dating profile and find something to say to these guys. I can't be honest and say that I don't feel a connection, I wonder if my feelings for this guy is getting in the way of me feeling anything for them.

 

Talking to two guys at once really bugs me. Emailing loads at once and going on one date is fine but the second and third date with two guys is making me feel uncomfortable.

[Satisfaction]

You aren't ready to date, save yourself further hassle and stop dating until you are ready. Use some other method to forget the ex.

Thanks Meercat.

Yes, I should have known even if you date someone for a short time and you are still thinking about them not to date anyone else My friends suggested it, shouldn't have listened.

[sagetalk]

Stop responding to guys you don't like. That is cruel. Is that what you want to be, a cruel person? Never get involved with people you are not interested in. You can end up doing a great deal of damage.

 

You may think you're awesome because these guys are still texting you even your acting like a loser. Nothing impressive about it. A guy will text a girl no matter how dumb she acts if he has no other options. Drop the guys you don't like quickly, don't lead them on.

[meerkat stew]

Thanks Meercat.

Yes, I should have known even if you date someone for a short time and you are still thinking about them not to date anyone else My friends suggested it, shouldn't have listened.

 

That brings up an interesting point, sometimes the short relationships hurt the most, because we get the feeling that there was unexplored potential that we may have had a chance to explore in longer relationships. Nothing wrong with letting a short relationship affect you more. And you can back away from the dating while you heal, the men you have been talking to will understand, and some may tell you to ring them up when you are ready.

[Satisfaction]

Stop responding to guys you don't like. That is cruel. Is that what you want to be, a cruel person? Never get involved with people you are not interested in. You can end up doing a great deal of damage.

 

You may think you're awesome because these guys are still texting you even your acting like a loser. Nothing impressive about it. A guy will text a girl no matter how dumb she acts if he has no other options. Drop the guys you don't like quickly, don't lead them on.

 

No, no, you have misunderstood me, I don't think I'm awesome because these guys are responding to me. I'm just trying to figure out what the grain of truth behind the old adage "treat em mean keep 'em keen"

 

I don't want to be a cruel person otherwise I would sit down and plan that I will do this and that and see what happens. I don't have a game plan. People's feelings are not a game to me.

 

I said I noticed that in this situation I had barely been affectionate but I noticed they were still interested in communicating with me. I was wondering why that was! I wasn't planning on continuing doing that!

The title of my thread is, I'm finding this a nightmare. Not "wow, I finally found a reason to feel good about myself, let me mess as many people around for as long as possible so that I can watch them try and reach out to me so I can feel like I am am worth something"!!

[Satisfaction]

That brings up an interesting point, sometimes the short relationships hurt the most, because we get the feeling that there was unexplored potential that we may have had a chance to explore in longer relationships. Nothing wrong with letting a short relationship affect you more. And you can back away from the dating while you heal, the men you have been talking to will understand, and some may tell you to ring them up when you are ready.

 

I don't know. I am feeling better, but that is probably just because of the time that has passed now. I don't want to control/supress my feelings but seriously sometimes I feel like the most irrational person walking the earth.

 

Maybe telling them I can't do this right now is the best thing. But what if I do that and more than one guy tells me to call him? And what if i call and we hang out but there is still no connection? I would have to break it off and they would probably hate me but I would hate myself more...

 

I'm gonna have a go at my friend for letting me get myself in this mess.