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girlfriend lying about credit card debt?


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I was trying to install an application on my girlfriend's computer. While I was doing this, I noticed a couple of documents on the desktop. One was a rejection for a credit card application - she had mentioned wanting this card (I think for the rewards), so I was curious to see what it said. I opened it and it just had some generic info like "your score was too low", etc.

 

Then I noticed another document - a credit report from this month. I probably shouldn't have done it, but I looked through it. Now I'm concerned. From what I can tell, there are at least two credit cards with outstanding balances in the thousands of dollars (one is more than ten thousand). But my girlfriend has told me several times that she doesn't have any credit card debt.

 

If those balances aren't credit card debt, what else could they be? They're not student loans - she has those, and has told me about them, too. And if they are credit card debt, why would she have not said anything to me about them?

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Ruby Slippers

You opened your girlfriend's private financial files on her computer without her permission?

 

Sounds like she should be the one questioning your honesty.

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You opened your girlfriend's private financial files on her computer without her permission?

 

Sounds like she should be the one questioning your honesty.

 

Yeah.. I agree..

 

oh.. the debt could be furniture.. old lines of credit.. car loans paid off by lines of credit...many things..

Even loans she might have had to take for school..

 

You have zero right to question anything on her credit report unless she asks you too.. for all you know those are on there from a previous relationship/marriage and she cosigned for someone.. etc etc..

 

If she did lie then she is embarrassed about it...and for what it is worth.. 10k is nothing in debt...

 

Just forget what you learned since you don't even know what the debt came from..

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Does this change your opinion of her? You really had no right to go and start viewing her finances. You have no idea what it is from, and there's so many people with debt.

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Yeah, you shouldn't have been snooping in her business. Maybe she thinks she'll have these debts paid off by the time the two of you marry? Or maybe she thinks there's no future with you anyway, so why reveal the truth? I don't know but she has obviously lied to you. That's a problem.

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But my girlfriend has told me several times that she doesn't have any credit card debt.

 

 

Maybe he shouldn't have been looking through her stuff, but I think that's a negative when someone flat out says they have no credit card debt. Come to find out, looks like she has a lot. It's one thing not to tell him it's a vast amount in credit cards, but to say none? I could see the concern, if she owes a lot and especially being dishonest about it. My ex was sort of like this, and come to find out he is very financially irresponsible.

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Look, I know it wasn't right to open up that stuff, but I finally let a desire to snoop get the better of me. Part of it is that I feel justified in doing so - a few months ago, she admitted searching through our apartment to find my diary and reading it. I had put it all the way in the back of a closet underneath loads of crap, and she essentially admitted spending hours searching for it.

 

I was pissed off to no end, so when I got on her computer today (she knew I was using it) and saw that stuff right out there on the desktop, I chose to look.

 

Also, we have some shared finances and we talk about finances fairly openly, which is why this is surprising.

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It doesn't sound like you have honest communication if you are both trying to snoop. And two wrongs don't make the second right.

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Also, we have some shared finances and we talk about finances fairly openly, which is why this is surprising.

 

This is a big problem and you kind of opened Pandora's box. I think you're going to have to bring it up to her now. This would be a near-dealbreaker for me. I can't stand lying, and I can't stand deceit about finances. It spells big trouble.

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Look, I know it wasn't right to open up that stuff, but I finally let a desire to snoop get the better of me. Part of it is that I feel justified in doing so - a few months ago, she admitted searching through our apartment to find my diary and reading it. I had put it all the way in the back of a closet underneath loads of crap, and she essentially admitted spending hours searching for it.

 

I was pissed off to no end, so when I got on her computer today (she knew I was using it) and saw that stuff right out there on the desktop, I chose to look.

 

Also, we have some shared finances and we talk about finances fairly openly, which is why this is surprising.

 

Your avatar is amusing. I picture that being you, while on your GF's PC snooping. ;):laugh:

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Ruby Slippers
It doesn't sound like you have honest communication if you are both trying to snoop. And two wrongs don't make the second right.

Totally agree. Your girlfriend spent hours snooping for your DIARY and dug it out of the back of the closet? What the hell?! I would have dumped her for that. You are both snooping on each other, and she has lied about her financial situation. Sneaking around and lying. How can this possibly go anywhere good?

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OP, if you're otherwise compatible and this is not a path leading to marriage, I'd suggest separating your finances and ceasing to inquire into or study her financial situation. If she asks why, tell her. If the relationship continues, it does.

 

Incompatible financial styles are a clear negative in a marriage situation. Unless something changes markedly, do not consider marrying her. FWIW, I did my stbx's taxes about three months into our dating period and knew all her 'business' clearly. She definitely had debt from her last M. We worked together to get it cleared up.

 

Pretty interesting that you had a written diary. That's rare for a guy IMO. Good luck :)

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What in the blue hell is this nonsense? She's snooping in your diary and white-lying about debt, and you're snooping around in her financial statements?

 

If someone snooped through my personal info like that without my permission, they'd be out the door. You guys need to focus more on your communication and trust issues than anything else.

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The OP and his girlfriend share financials, to what extent we do not know. If they have a shared credit card or bank account, her financial behavior impacts him and he has a right to know. That's a two way street. When they chose to combine aspects of their financial lives, they agreed to reasonable disclosure. She withheld disclosure. OP, do you and GF live together? Is the domicile owned? If no, is it rented in both your names? Just more evidence of combined lives (or not).

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OP, if you're otherwise compatible and this is not a path leading to marriage, I'd suggest separating your finances and ceasing to inquire into or study her financial situation. If she asks why, tell her. If the relationship continues, it does.

 

Incompatible financial styles are a clear negative in a marriage situation. Unless something changes markedly, do not consider marrying her.

 

I agree with Carhill. Separate your finances, because you don't want her defaulting on something and bringing your credit history down.

 

Personally, I'd tell her that I looked at her credit history file and saw the high balances and am now worried about why she lied about it. Yes, she'll be pissed off that you looked, but that's not a bad discussion to have since she searched for and read your diary. If you two weren't concerned about what the other was hiding, neither of you would feel this need to snoop.

 

Snooping is one issue, but the high debt and the lying about it would be a huge problem for me. I make sure my credit and finances are squeaky clean and the last thing I would want is to be in a relationship with someone who lies about debt.

 

Getting into debt is one thing; lying about it is another. That kind of person can screw their finances up for life because 1) they aren't taking control of their debt, just trying to get more credit cards to cover their overspending, and 2) because they lie about it, they're showing that they won't even acknowledge the problem so won't do anything to seek help in figuring out a plan to get out of debt. They just rack up more debt and keep lying to themselves and to you. It just gets worse and worse rather than better when people don't face the reality of their debt situation and just get more credit cards.

 

It just spells major trouble to me, and not someone I want to link my finances to or even be with, really. There's something shady about a person who lies about debt to their loved one.

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Say if she is lying, they get married, and the debt becomes his? Do you have a right to know if your SO has lots of debt or bad credit?

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First off, I think what's going on here on both ends is not a healthy way to have a relationship. Going through someones personal stuff without asking almost cancels out whatever you find because it shows a lack of trust. I don't approve of this at all.

 

ABD, do you know how to read a credit report because the first column shows the "high balance", the second column shows "monthly payment" and the third column says "outstanding balance". It's the outstanding balance that matters more than anything else.

 

Also if she had credit problems in the past they usually show up at the top of the report, even if they were paid off years ago.

 

If her credit score is currently in the 500's, she's still in pretty deep doo doo. But it sounds like you will be too if you confront her on this....

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The OP and his girlfriend share financials, to what extent we do not know. If they have a shared credit card or bank account, her financial behavior impacts him and he has a right to know. That's a two way street. When they chose to combine aspects of their financial lives, they agreed to reasonable disclosure. She withheld disclosure. OP, do you and GF live together? Is the domicile owned? If no, is it rented in both your names? Just more evidence of combined lives (or not).

 

I'm not disagreeing. But I do think they're both guilty of closed communication and dishonesty, and that's a bad notion, no matter how you slice it.

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It just spells major trouble to me, and not someone I want to link my finances to or even be with, really. There's something shady about a person who lies about debt to their loved one.
After being privy to some long-time marriages with undisclosed shopping/gambling/substance related debts and the fallout of balancing the costs versus benefits of remaining in those situations, I agree with this. If this stuff is smacking you in the face now, accept it as reality, more than likely reality for a lifetime, and decide what is healthy for you. Everyone has their own setpoint. TBH, I know people who are perfectly fine with the sort of dynamic being played out in the OP and their relationships work for them. It wouldn't for me, but I'm not them.

 

There were a few times (not many, so it wasn't common) I had to turn people down for loans based on derogatories they were previously unaware of, most commonly a joint credit card account creatively and secretly obtained by a spouse or cohabiting relation who had access to enough personal information to falsify an application. I can only imagine what happened subsequently.

 

I'm not disagreeing. But I do think they're both guilty of closed communication and dishonesty, and that's a bad notion, no matter how you slice it.

 

Yes, I think that is unhealthy, but they may disagree. The journey for them is to be clear about what is healthy (or not) and why. Like I noted prior, some people (and relationships) function and thrive on this dynamic. Everyone is different.

Edited by carhill
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My STBXW lied about her debt.

Told me it was all taken care of before we married.

She recently had a garnishment judgement placed on her account.

apparantly, she lied to me.

 

I insisted on keep our finances seperate to protect her from my debts from my home renovation.

 

Turns out I saved myself a big headache.

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Better make sure your finances are unshared quick. I know a guy who opened up a joint account with his gf. He put like 5-6k in the account. One day he charged like $50 on his debit card and it came back overdraft. The IRS garnished the account over his gf's debts. He was out 5k, IRS didn't give it back either.

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Thanks for all the replies... just to fill you in, yes, we live together, and we have a joint bank account inter alia.

 

However, I now feel like a total idiot. A closer look showed that while those outstanding balances are real, she is just an "authorized user" for those cards... which means they are most likely her parent's cards, she was added as a user when she was younger, but she's not responsible for the debt.

 

I looked again because things just didn't add up. The accounts were opened too long ago, and the usage simply didn't accord with what I know about her income and lifestyle the past couple of years.

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Thanks for all the replies... just to fill you in, yes, we live together, and we have a joint bank account inter alia.

 

However, I now feel like a total idiot. A closer look showed that while those outstanding balances are real, she is just an "authorized user" for those cards... which means they are most likely her parent's cards, she was added as a user when she was younger, but she's not responsible for the debt.

 

I looked again because things just didn't add up. The accounts were opened too long ago, and the usage simply didn't accord with what I know about her income and lifestyle the past couple of years.

 

That's what I figured...you have to know how to read these things. You almost screwed things up very badly, I hope you learned your lesson and trust her going forward...good luck.

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Thanks for all the replies... just to fill you in, yes, we live together, and we have a joint bank account inter alia.

 

However, I now feel like a total idiot. A closer look showed that while those outstanding balances are real, she is just an "authorized user" for those cards... which means they are most likely her parent's cards, she was added as a user when she was younger, but she's not responsible for the debt.

 

I looked again because things just didn't add up. The accounts were opened too long ago, and the usage simply didn't accord with what I know about her income and lifestyle the past couple of years.

 

All's well that ends well. You should become a detective.:laugh:

 

In all honesty, I wouldn't be ashamed to tell a guy I'm deep in debt. Considering that fact I have been to the ER more times than acceptable, and I am unable to pay those thousands of dollars bills, I don't even care. I'm not even including my student loans. :lmao: I would never get a joint account with anyone but my mother. Guys spend way too much money, well, the ones that have access to it.

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