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how to overcome the fear of getting hurt?


pandagirl

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I'm still dating guy #3 from my multi-dating "experiment" (which really lasted only three first dates with three different guys). Things are intense, but also weirdly comfortable. I've been gone since friday, but we talk every day, either thought IM or phone calls. In a way, it's nice being away from him, because if I were still there, I'm sure we'd be having sex. But now, we just can get to know each other through conversation.

 

But already, I'm pushing him away! He can feel it too and called me out on it. He said he could get hurt, too, but nothing in life is certain and that uncertainty wasn't going to stop him from being happy he met me.

 

I agree with him. But my feelings of wanting to push away or shutdown is so strong. Why can't I just relax? I understand a little fear is normal, but mine is like power failure level. It's like I'd rather almost throw away the whole situation, just to prevent myself from being hurt.

 

SHUTDOWN.

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So, take a Christmas break. If the feelings and connection are there, it'll still be intense yet comfortable after Christmas. Examine what the real fear is. Why would you be afraid of something intense yet comfortable? Do you see history set to repeat itself? Something else? For two people to feel a connection and immediately go to the fear of hurt says something, to me anyway.

 

Happy holidays :)

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So, take a Christmas break. If the feelings and connection are there, it'll still be intense yet comfortable after Christmas. Examine what the real fear is. Why would you be afraid of something intense yet comfortable? Do you see history set to repeat itself? Something else? For two people to feel a connection and immediately go to the fear of hurt says something, to me anyway.

 

Happy holidays :)

 

Carhill, you're like: "Think about this really deep, complicated thing...btw, happy holidays!" haha.

 

HE is happy. HE tells me he is happy to miss me and talk to me and can't wait to see me when I get back. Whereas I'm like, terrified that I miss him and worry about how he could hurt me. I've expressed to him my fear, and he doesn't know what to say to me, because he doesn't think the way I do.

 

I'm afraid of something intense but comfortable, because being comfortable means letting down your guard, which make you vulnerable, which means you can get hurt.

 

I'm not so much afraid of things ending or fizzling out. I'm afraid of being "tricked" or "played." Of having my emotions manipulated by someone with disingenuous intentions. I'm afraid of believing what he says, when he could be lying. He promised me he will not "play" me, and that he doesn't think I will "play" him either and that he will be honest with me.

 

This is my problem, not his. I'm being mindful of my feelings, and I'm trying to quiet my panic, but it's difficult. :/

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Have you ever had a connection without specific identifiable actions or words? Where there's just an aura of singularity? I'm not saying every connection is a healthy one, but IME delineating it with specifics which lead one to believe in it through cognitive reasoning is counterproductive. IOW, believe in the connection and qualify the person as being compatible or not.

 

It's perhaps a bit hard for me to understand since I've never felt fear of loving or being loved. Been hurt plenty, but don't fear the process. The key is it doesn't define who I am, but rather is a gift I give of myself or receive from another. Sometimes that gift turns out wonderfully and other times gets thrown back in my face. Such is life.

 

I've been 'pushed away' in such a situation, as you seem to describe and, when younger, I let that bother me, but now, rather than feeling hurt or unappreciated, I simply recognize the connection as valid but the push as a sign of incompatibility; of not being in the same emotional and spiritual place to have a healthy relationship. Is that a life sentence? Unknown.

 

Question: Is this guy romancing you, overtly, or is this 'thing' just growing with a life of its own? If the latter, it could be really important. Are you ready for that? Unknown.

 

Time for Santa to get some sleep :)

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Have you ever had a connection without specific identifiable actions or words? Where there's just an aura of singularity? I'm not saying every connection is a healthy one, but IME delineating it with specifics which lead one to believe in it through cognitive reasoning is counterproductive. IOW, believe in the connection and qualify the person as being compatible or not.

 

I do try to intellectualize my feelings often. I don't like to feel "out of control," so if I can understand and rationalize my feelings, then I can stay IN control. However, this is not conducive to falling in love and relationships.

 

It's perhaps a bit hard for me to understand since I've never felt fear of loving or being loved. Been hurt plenty, but don't fear the process. The key is it doesn't define who I am, but rather is a gift I give of myself or receive from another. Sometimes that gift turns out wonderfully and other times gets thrown back in my face. Such is life.

 

This is pretty much the attitude he has. He knows he could get hurt, that *I* could possibly hurt him, but says that is just life and it won't stop him from denying himself of the experience.

 

Question: Is this guy romancing you, overtly, or is this 'thing' just growing with a life of its own? If the latter, it could be really important. Are you ready for that? Unknown.

 

Maybe this is where I'm getting stuck. I barely know the guy, though I feel like I *really* know him. He called me tonight and said: "I don't care what you think. I miss you and it makes me happy. I think it's rare you meet someone you feel so immediately comfortable around." And he's right, my level of comfortableness with him is crazy. I feel like I can say anything, do anything, just be myself around him. He has seen parts of my personality that I keep hidden and not only does he still like me, he appreciates those qualities and thinks they're awesome. Sometimes I think he might be romancing me, but everything also seems natural.

 

And...am I ready for that? I have asked myself that question. I just want to feel happy and go with the flow. And it's frustrating knowing I can't rush myself to BE ready.

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You won't know unless you try -- if you try to intellectualize your feelings often, then surely you must understand that past events that have hurt you don't have any bearing here. This guy isn't the same as the other guy (if I recall, the one who cheated on you, if memory serves?). Totally new person, and so far signs point to good things.

 

It's like being afraid of entering a warm bath because you almost drowned once at sea. Water is not inherently worth fearing. Relationships are not inherently worth fearing. The circumstances are different. Don't let fear cloud your judgment and rationality!

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Remember the part about comfort and compatibility. We covered that in MC. The psychologist was able to ferret out the differences and effects so we could clearly see the positives and negatives and balance them. Ultimately, the balance equation led to divorce, but it could have just as easily led to a deeper and more elemental connection, based on the factors weight in the balance.

 

Like I said, if you feel the 'connection', it's valid. Accept it. Take that and work on the rest of the balance factors contributing to it and your attraction. This sounds intellectual because I have to explain it in words, but IRL I feel it, elementally. MC helped me put meaning to the feelings and accept what those meanings are, positive or negative.

 

A true connection won't go away easily, so take your time and get to know the gentleman. Youth has its advantages :)

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If you need to intellectualize it, think long-term. Does this man have what it takes to make you happy?

 

We all survive heartbreak and devastation. Some survive...barely, some thrive. So why is that? When you answer this question, it might help to erase some of your fears. :)

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You won't know unless you try -- if you try to intellectualize your feelings often, then surely you must understand that past events that have hurt you don't have any bearing here.

 

Yes, this is a new person, and I do understand and tell myself that he is a different person and set of circumstances. My fear is just an automatic response, that it's hard to quell the thoughts.

 

A true connection won't go away easily, so take your time and get to know the gentleman. Youth has its advantages :)

 

I do want to take my time to get to know him better, and this time apart has enabled us to do that without the physical element. Though he makes me feel anxious, because of my fears, he actually makes me feel calm when I'm talking to him. It's not a giddy feeling I get from him. It's comforting.

 

However, though that comfort is amazing, instead of appreciating it, I will sabotage it, thinking: "This can't last forever. It will end. I will get hurt."

 

If you need to intellectualize it, think long-term. Does this man have what it takes to make you happy?

 

We all survive heartbreak and devastation. Some survive...barely, some thrive. So why is that? When you answer this question, it might help to erase some of your fears. :)

 

I don't know enough about him yet to determine long-term compatibility. What impresses me though is he is very interested in what makes me happy. And it's not stuff like buying me presents or taking me out to dinner. He listens and supports me with my career ambitions. If I'm stressed, he wants to calm me down.

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However, though that comfort is amazing, instead of appreciating it, I will sabotage it, thinking: "This can't last forever. It will end. I will get hurt."
Straight up, this is how my female friend f*cked up a perfectly good friendship. Her perspective became reality. She pushed hard enough and I went away. She had said that, many times over the years, she pushed good guys away because she didn't want to be vulnerable and get hurt. Even though I reassured her of the consistency of my feelings and supported that with actions, the response over time caused me to see the unhealthiness and imbalance of the dynamic. She is successful. Not hurt. :)

 

Like I said, balance.

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Straight up, this is how my female friend f*cked up a perfectly good friendship. Her perspective became reality. She pushed hard enough and I went away. She had said that, many times over the years, she pushed good guys away because she didn't want to be vulnerable and get hurt. Even though I reassured her of the consistency of my feelings and supported that with actions, the response over time caused me to see the unhealthiness and imbalance of the dynamic. She is successful. Not hurt. :)

 

Like I said, balance.

 

And I am totally aware that this could be me, and I don't want to be that person.

 

I know I am strong and I will fight through these demons I have, but I don't think I can do it in one fell swoop.

 

I hope this guy can be patient with me. So far, the communication has been aces.

 

And really, the worst thing that can happen is that, yes, I will get hurt. I have been hurt before, and I've always turned out for the better in the end....

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I don't know enough about him yet to determine long-term compatibility.

 

You just met him, so of course you have no way of knowing if you can trust him yet. Let that come with time. You don't have to decide today that he's the one and only forever. All you have to do is get to know him.

 

And maybe the reason you are panicking is because this relationships is kind of rushing along. You met him when? Two weeks ago? It is great that you two are comfortable and that you both call and write while away, but maybe slowing things down a bit (by not being in contact everyday) would alleviate your feelings of panic.

 

 

But already, I'm pushing him away! He can feel it too and called me out on it. He said he could get hurt, too, but nothing in life is certain and that uncertainty wasn't going to stop him from being happy he met me.

 

I was with a guy two years ago who rushed the relationship along and would try to 'talk' my fears away and reassure me. The thing is, you're probably reacting this way because things are becoming too serious too fast. This could actually be a normal, healthy reaction on your part. Manage your fear by taking the time you need to get to know him.

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And maybe the reason you are panicking is because this relationships is kind of rushing along. You met him when? Two weeks ago? It is great that you two are comfortable and that you both call and write while away, but maybe slowing things down a bit (by not being in contact everyday) would alleviate your feelings of panic.

 

 

I was with a guy two years ago who rushed the relationship along and would try to 'talk' my fears away and reassure me. The thing is, you're probably reacting this way because things are becoming too serious too fast. This could actually be a normal, healthy reaction on your part. Manage your fear by taking the time you need to get to know him.

 

Yeah, we just met about two weeks ago, but met online about a month ago. I DID not want to talk to him everyday, but it just happens that we do, because we both work a lot and are online often. Then that progressed to talk on the phone, and so forth...

 

I don't fear things not working out or fading out. Most relationships end. But, like I said before, my fear is based in the fact he will do something to hurt me: lie, cheat, deceive, etc. My friend say I'm overly critical and suspicious; it's my defense mechanism.

 

Sometimes I don't know if I can trust anyone.

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But that's the thing. You just met him so it's perfectly normal that you don't know yet it you can trust him.

 

that being said, I've always considered that if someone 'played' me it was on them and not on me. As in, it would reveal more about them then it would about me.

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But that's the thing. You just met him so it's perfectly normal that you don't know yet it you can trust him.

 

that being said, I've always considered that if someone 'played' me it was on them and not on me. As in, it would reveal more about them then it would about me.

 

That's a good way of thinking of it. Their bad, not mine. haha.

 

Maybe I'm anxious, because I DO want this to be real.

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Just take it all in stride, and watch out for the red flags. You have his words, now watch his actions. You dont have to overanalyze everything, but you are probably scared because you ignored things lastr time that if you noticed them, would have given you hints to the future. When you see things coming you dont get hurt. So watch his actions compared to his words, and you wont get blindsided by anything.

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I only read the OP, but is he being a bit clingy and overly enthusiastic, Panda? Maybe that's why you're uncomfortable. My bf was like that at first, and it got me nervous at the beginning when I didn't understand his intentions.

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I only read the OP, but is he being a bit clingy and overly enthusiastic, Panda? Maybe that's why you're uncomfortable. My bf was like that at first, and it got me nervous at the beginning when I didn't understand his intentions.

 

I wouldn't say he is clingy, but perhaps overly enthusiastic? Yes.

 

Are you talking about your current boyfriend? How did you get past your doubts about his intentions?

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Also, are you sure there isn't something to your intuition? Maybe it's not just blind fear, maybe there is something in his behavior that makes you uncomfortable? I mean if his feelings seem out of proportion to the amount of time you've known each other that could be cause for concern.

 

No matter how amazing you are, a guy rarely comes on that strong from the start unless something else is going on. There could be a legitimate reason, or a more nefarious one. How would you feel if you found out he'd done this before with many other women?

 

Personally, I'd inquire into his relationship history. That would give you better clues about why he's acting the way he is with you. Then you could come to a more informed decision about whether you're being played.

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I wouldn't say he is clingy, but perhaps overly enthusiastic? Yes.

 

Are you talking about your current boyfriend? How did you get past your doubts about his intentions?

 

Yeah. I asked him about his relationship history. He revealed to me that he was inexperienced for his age and his experience was limited to a few women who turned out to be crazy. He also hadn't had a girlfriend in several years. All of this really surprised me, but it also explained why he was so excited about meeting me.

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No matter how amazing you are, a guy rarely comes on that strong from the start unless something else is going on. There could be a legitimate reason, or a more nefarious one. How would you feel if you found out he'd done this before with many other women?

 

Personally, I'd inquire into his relationship history. That would give you better clues about why he's acting the way he is with you. Then you could come to a more informed decision about whether you're being played.

 

I have definitely thought about if this is his rigmarole with women: wooing them and coming on strong. I don't know him well enough yet to inquire into his relationship history. And, also, I'm really not not to talk, since I'm 31 and have never been in a serious or long-term relationship. Can't really call the kettle black.

 

He says that I am just the anomaly -- that he is rarely like this with women or people. But who knows.

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OP, did I read wrong or did you say you're comfortable when you're with him?

 

Also, from a guy's perspective, remember we bottle up emotion and redirect it into killing animals and forming metal into guns. When a man feels comfortable with a lady, he might, depending on how healthy he is, let his guard down and the lady sees a bit of what's really going on in there. It's called 'intimacy'. For some, it takes a long time. For others, witness our TBF as an example, bing, boom, bang and here comes TBF junior :)

 

IMO, focus on how you feel about this interaction. If it does become uncomfortable, when you're with him, talk with him about your feelings. If it's only when you're alone in the dark and having doubts, turn the light on and look in the mirror. That's who you need to talk to :)

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OP, did I read wrong or did you say you're comfortable when you're with him?

 

Also, from a guy's perspective, remember we bottle up emotion and redirect it into killing animals and forming metal into guns. When a man feels comfortable with a lady, he might, depending on how healthy he is, let his guard down and the lady sees a bit of what's really going on in there. It's called 'intimacy'. For some, it takes a long time. For others, witness our TBF as an example, bing, boom, bang and here comes TBF junior :)

 

IMO, focus on how you feel about this interaction. If it does become uncomfortable, when you're with him, talk with him about your feelings. If it's only when you're alone in the dark and having doubts, turn the light on and look in the mirror. That's who you need to talk to :)

 

I am definitely comfortable with him. So comfortable that I tell him when something is bothering me; this is something I've never previously done in my dating relationships. I would just let it fester and boil. I can really just be my authentic self around him, which is so so nice.

 

The word "comfortable" is the word we use to describe what we feel for each other. He commented on how I've turned him into a "little boy," because he feel so uninhibited with his feelings around me. Is that good or bad? I dont know.

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I am definitely comfortable with him. So comfortable that I tell him when something is bothering me; this is something I've never previously done in my dating relationships. I would just let it fester and boil. I can really just be my authentic self around him, which is so so nice.

 

The word "comfortable" is the word we use to describe what we feel for each other. He commented on how I've turned him into a "little boy," because he feel so uninhibited with his feelings around me. Is that good or bad? I dont know.

 

I'm getting a weird vibe from some of the things you're reporting on here that he's said (like the "little boy" comment). They seem kind of overkill. But I have nothing to really go on since context and tone are everything. I don't want to worsen your doubts, especially if this has the potential to be something wonderful.

 

Nonetheless, I think you should be aware that your fears aren't unjustified. Most women get a bit uneasy when a guy comes on strong from the start.

 

As I wrote above, I would withhold judgment on him and keep your feelings somewhat guarded until you know him well enough to inquire about his history. That will tell you A LOT about him. In particular, pay attention to how he talks about his exes.

 

Also I'd wait on the sex until you know more about his history, but that's just me.

Edited by shadowplay
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