How to tell my best friend her BF is a jerk?

[aerogurl87]

Ok so here's a basic background of the history between my best friend's boyfriend and I. In high school I hated him (yes hate is a strong word but I really really didn't like him). So I told my best friend, of course she didn't listen to me and continued to date him until they broke up our senior year of high school. Reasons why I didn't like him was because he was a loser (skipped class all the time, no plans for the future, pothead, baby mama drama, etc.)

 

So fast forward a few months later and in college my bestie and I became roommates. Since we were both single I encouraged her to go out with me to make friends and also to maybe date if she found someone she liked. Of course she didn't date because she still missed her boyfriend (which I could understand to a certain point, but I still told her it would do her some good to see what was out there before going back to Mr. Loser). So then winter break of last year her and her boyfriend got back together when he decided to join the military. He even came to visit her at college and for once her boyfriend and I got along for the most part although I still had some reservations about him.

 

Now flashforward almost a year later and I can see his jerk side coming out again. Today for example, while I was in the middle of a conversation with my best friend about something that was actually very important he took her phone and hung up on me. So then my best friend calls me later to tell me what happened and I was just like "ok, talk to you later." Another example is of when they are together and she's trying to talk to him. He'll sometimes just outright ignore her and then she'll come to me complaining about how mean he's being or how she's afraid he's going to leave her over some disagreement they have (the most recent once being him wanting to marry her and try to get her pregnant with at least two kids before she's 25. To me that was just insane but of course when she disagreed with him he hung up on her and ignored her phone calls the whole night). Now I love my best friend and I just want her to be happy (she claims she is but I seriously doubt she is truly happy). To me it seems like she's only with him because she's afraid if they break up she'll never be able to find someone else (which I highly doubt since she's been hit on multiple times when we've been out together). Anyway I'm trying to let her see the light but it seems to be almost impossible. Any suggestions?

[boogieboy]

Use reverse psychology.

 

Start encouraging her to be with him. All these years, you tried to discourage her, and it only pushed her to him, because she has self esteem issues.

You ever had someone try to hook you up with someone you didnt like at all? Didnt work no matter how much they pushed right?

 

Start telling her the same things hes saying, pregnant by the time shes 25, babies, since hes a loser, start talking about how great the trailer would be, because she cant work while shes pregnant, let the degree build up some dust. Talk about how great it will be when hes still doing his jerk behavior at 40, but love will carry them though... and have a serious face when you do it, dont make it a joke. She will start to see him different eventually.

 

Make up scenarios... "While your in your trailer, ill be at work socials, dressed up, but you cant come because he wont let you...."

 

"you'll be dealing with him cheating on you, but love will carry you though it!"

 

stuff like that.

[threebyfate]

As a friend, your obligation ends after you've expressed your dislike/disdain for this guy. Beyond that, if you continue pushing, you're crossing the line into controlling behaviour.

 

What will happen, will happen between these two. Either she's going to break up with him or end up being a single mother of two, before age 25. This is her life so as a friend, you need to be there as a shoulder to cry on, when the big dust up happens. And happen it will.

[aerogurl87]

As a friend, your obligation ends after you've expressed your dislike/disdain for this guy. Beyond that, if you continue pushing, you're crossing the line into controlling behaviour.

 

What will happen, will happen between these two. Either she's going to break up with him or end up being a single mother of two, before age 25. This is her life so as a friend, you need to be there as a shoulder to cry on, when the big dust up happens. And happen it will.

 

First off threebyfate I love your new picture! That baby is just adorable

 

Secondly I'm always there for her to come crying to when he hurts her feelings or she's afraid he's going to leave her, but it's blatantly obvious that she's not happy. I just don't like seeing her go through this when I know she deserves better and can actually have someone better than him. To make matters worse she wants to get an apartment this summer with one of our mutual friends (that in itself is cool with me and I'm looking forward to it) but she also wants to now move her boyfriend in with us. So maybe that's why I'm trying to get her to see the light sooner rather than later, because I don't want him living with us in all honesty. They both bicker whenever they are around each other and to make things worse he's jobless and when he has had a job I don't believe he's actually kept it for long. Hence why I think she really needs to see that she can do better.

[threebyfate]

Thanks.

 

Do yourself a favour and don't move in with them. This will not end well.

[alphamale]

Any suggestions?

yes, like she should find another bf, you should find another best friend

[FilthMerchant]

Not once in your post did you establish a logical reason that allows you to separate the two. Pull your head in and mind your own business. You are a far more destructive force in her life than her boyfriend.

[aerogurl87]

Not once in your post did you establish a logical reason that allows you to separate the two. Pull your head in and mind your own business. You are a far more destructive force in her life than her boyfriend.

 

A logical reason? He's a danger to what she actually wants to accomplish in life! She wants to be a successful lawyer one day and he wants her to drop out of college to have two or three kids because he thinks 25 is too old to start a family. I think that's a pretty logical reason. No I don't like him but it's not because I just don't like him. I don't like how he's jobless by choice, headed nowhere, and in the process of slowly bringing my best friend down with him. Another example, she told him she was going to break up with him unless he went out and did something with his life like going to college. So he decides to join the military so he can say he's doing something with his life and they get back together. Well then right after he graduates from basic training he decides the military isn't for him and once again he's back home and headed nowhere. He claims he's going to college but I highly doubt it, I think he's just promising her empty promises to keep her around. But we'll see.

[threebyfate]

aerogurl, it's her life to screw up as she pleases, regardless of her potential. The more you push, the more likely you're going to lose a friend.

 

Becoming a lawyer isn't easy street, according to my husband. It takes long, long hard hours of dedication, where when you're an associate, your pay doesn't come close to time clocked. Becoming a partner takes time. And that's when the real returns for your time and long education, starts to roll in.

 

Unless she's determined to be a lawyer and unafraid of the grind, potential doesn't matter.

[DollyMix]

Ag I understand how your feeling my bessie friend was in an awful relationship he cheated on her alot controlled her was just bad bad news, she just had to get him out of her system we stopped seeing each other for awhile because he didnt like her going out and when she was breaking up with him i just had to be there for her like i had been the times before thats all you can do as a friend infuriating as it may be

[FilthMerchant]

A logical reason? He's a danger to what she actually wants to accomplish in life! She wants to be a successful lawyer one day and he wants her to drop out of college to have two or three kids because he thinks 25 is too old to start a family. I think that's a pretty logical reason. No I don't like him but it's not because I just don't like him. I don't like how he's jobless by choice, headed nowhere, and in the process of slowly bringing my best friend down with him. Another example, she told him she was going to break up with him unless he went out and did something with his life like going to college. So he decides to join the military so he can say he's doing something with his life and they get back together. Well then right after he graduates from basic training he decides the military isn't for him and once again he's back home and headed nowhere. He claims he's going to college but I highly doubt it, I think he's just promising her empty promises to keep her around. But we'll see.

 

She will see, and through her own eyes untainted by your festering resentment of him. Who are you to decide how SHE wants to live her life and what to do with herself? Let her come to her own decisions - she isn't a baby. If she doesn't want to have kids that early, she won't, and if she does anyway, it's her responsibility, not yours.

 

You should be happy about her inability to identify what's bad for her and get rid of bad things. If she were able, you'd go the same way as the boyfriend!

[aerogurl87]

She will see, and through her own eyes untainted by your festering resentment of him. Who are you to decide how SHE wants to live her life and what to do with herself? Let her come to her own decisions - she isn't a baby. If she doesn't want to have kids that early, she won't, and if she does anyway, it's her responsibility, not yours.

 

You should be happy about her inability to identify what's bad for her and get rid of bad things. If she were able, you'd go the same way as the boyfriend!

]]

 

First of all, I'm a great friend to her and I didn't say I wanted to decide her life for her, she can do that for herself. I wish she'd realize how much of a jerk her boyfriend is. What she does with that information is up to her. Secondly, we're like sisters and I'm a great friend to her as she is to me. She got me to see how much of a jerk my ex was before we broke up, which at the time I didn't appreciate but in hindsight it was for the best actually. Sometimes a person's friends can see something they can't because they are blinded by love. So don't tell me that I'm a bad friend to her because I'm don't want to see her get hurt.

[alphamale]

Secondly, we're like sisters and I'm a great friend to her as she is to me.

sounds like you are the junior partner in this "sisterhood", in other words she is dominant over you

[threebyfate]

sounds like you are the junior partner in this "sisterhood", in other words she is dominant over you

No, I would guess it's historically been the other way around. Note the submissive relationship between her friend and the b/f. There's a bit of power play going on in this triangle.

[xpaperxcutx]

One of my best friends resented my ex, and even nicknamed him " Infected-lip guy" because of his lip ring. The only thing that made me realized that I didn't want to be with him was because I came to my senses, and not when my friend told me what a broke ass loser he was. So it's great that you told her about him, I'm sure she took your words to heart. But you cannot intervene in her private life unless she actually does something stupid. Only then can you actually lay down the law and slap her to her senses.

 

And getting pregnant with 2 kids by 25 is very extreme.

 

Show her pictures of Britney Spears. She'll get the idea.

[threebyfate]

aerogurl, if you have time, take a look at the Karpman Drama Triangle, in this link. You might find it eye-opening.

 

http://www.therapyideas.net/triangles.htm

[aerogurl87]

sounds like you are the junior partner in this "sisterhood", in other words she is dominant over you

 

Haha no we're equal in different ways. I'm more outgoing and spontaneous and she's more reserved and cautious. It works out as a good balance.

 

No, I would guess it's historically been the other way around. Note the submissive relationship between her friend and the b/f. There's a bit of power play going on in this triangle.

 

I don't have a problem TBF with her having a boyfriend, it's just that when her boyfriend is a loser and looking to bring her down with him in the end, that I have a problem. I know how to share my friends.

 

So it's great that you told her about him, I'm sure she took your words to heart. But you cannot intervene in her private life unless she actually does something stupid. Only then can you actually lay down the law and slap her to her senses.

 

And getting pregnant with 2 kids by 25 is very extreme.

 

Show her pictures of Britney Spears. She'll get the idea.

 

Well I think I talked some sense into her about that issue. I asked her who was going to support their family if she had to stay home and he didn't have a steady, good job? I think once she thought about it, she realized how dumb it sounded (even though he seemed to get pretty close to getting her to go through with his "brilliant" idea).

[aerogurl87]

aerogurl, if you have time, take a look at the Karpman Drama Triangle, in this link. You might find it eye-opening.

 

http://www.therapyideas.net/triangles.htm

 

 

Thanks for the link. I see your point, but I did actually try to butt out of her love life after high school and lo and behold she DID come to her senses briefly. But then once her love life spilled over into my day to day life with her boyfriend coming to visit her on campus for 3-5 days every few months over the period of one year, I had to say something. It's one thing to accept that someone is dating someone you think is bad news for them, and another to have to come back to your room and find them laying in bed till 5pm and wondering to yourself "what does she see in him". Then add the bickering I had to listen to them constantly do and I almost lost it everytime he came to visit. Granted I was always cordial to him but in the back of my mind I was thinking "she needs to find someone else". So maybe that's why I really wish she'd leave him. Maybe it's because I had to witness how dysfunctional their relationship was first hand whenever he came to see her.