confusedmuch Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 After going for the past 2 months on a string of dates with a string of different guys and finding myself lost and confused way too many times, I figured I should change something so it's a little less painful when dating. I realized I'm just TOO NICE. Someone could literally steal my boyfriend, crush me, then come back a month later sincerely asking for forgiveness and I would forgive them with almost no thought. I would still distrust them deep down, but I'd still forgive them and be friends with them again. Similarly, if there's something that I don't want to do (like go and get completely drunk one night when I have to work the next day) but my friend begs and pleads with me to go, I'll cave after about 10 minutes and agree to go. And, in the same way, if a guy is going on about how great I am, etc, etc, and then wants to take me out again, but I'm not into him as much (or at all, really), I will usually cave and accept the date anyway without really telling how him how I feel. It's weird, I'm afraid of hurting their feelings. I know, that's a terrible worry to have since dating is never a sure thing anyway. But, with all that having been said, is there anything someone can tell me that would make it easier for me to just go ahead and be not so nice and turn those guys down that I'm not interested in? Rather than leading them on for however long? Or what if I just started ignoring them? Would that be too mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Yukikazi Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Just tell them you appreciate the attention but are currently unavailable.. Pretend they are trying to convert you to Scientology or JW... do you let those guys go on the whole spiel when you know you aren't interested? Link to post Share on other sites
espec10001 Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Pull the crazy card. As in, scare them away. There is no better way to get rid of a man than scaring him with an other-worldly insanity binge. Tell him you are a witch and have voodoo dolls and want a piece of his hair, get it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedmuch Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 Pull the crazy card. As in, scare them away. There is no better way to get rid of a man than scaring him with an other-worldly insanity binge. Tell him you are a witch and have voodoo dolls and want a piece of his hair, get it? LOL, that's an awesome idea! I might just do that... Link to post Share on other sites
Yukikazi Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Pull the crazy card. As in, scare them away. There is no better way to get rid of a man than scaring him with an other-worldly insanity binge. Tell him you are a witch and have voodoo dolls and want a piece of his hair, get it? Actually that would be fun as hell and make you even more interesting to get to know Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 OP, when I was younger I used to be a lot like you describe. Three things changed me: First was getting married. Second was my mom's illness. Third was getting therapy. All of those experiences taught me important lessons in enacting boundaries and enforcing them in an unemotional way. You're a good and loving person; you can still be that same person with clear boundaries. The hardest part for me was accepting negative emotional responses to enforcing those boundaries. Once other's opinion of me mattered less, it was easy, especially with the training to separate emotion from the boundary itself. The truism in my signature line carries weight in such matters. Over time, you'll become comfortable with that. Best wishes Link to post Share on other sites
espec10001 Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Actually that would be fun as hell and make you even more interesting to get to know Would it? Well then you'd have to take it a little further. As female, carry around a carrot stick in your purse. And when you are talking to him, pull the carrot out, glare at him with wide eyes and chomp on the carrot, and after you finish it start laughing hysterically up at the sky. Would this be a chick you'd want to get to know better honestly? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedmuch Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 The hardest part for me was accepting negative emotional responses to enforcing those boundaries. That's really my biggest concern. I'm afraid of them getting angry or telling me to "go do whatever I want, it's my life" or something. I don't know where that comes from. Actually, when I finally got the courage to end it with my ex several months ago - it took at least a couple weeks of building up the actual courage to even attempt the conversation - and I almost expected him to spew venom. He was actually very kind and thoughtful and considerate of my feelings... Link to post Share on other sites
Yukikazi Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Would it? Well then you'd have to take it a little further. As female, carry around a carrot stick in your purse. And when you are talking to him, pull the carrot out, glare at him with wide eyes and chomp on the carrot, and after you finish it start laughing hysterically up at the sky. Would this be a chick you'd want to get to know better honestly? She can't even bring herself to politely decline and you expect her to pull a carrot out of her purse, chomp on it and make horse noises to scare them away? I'm sure you carry a carrot in your purse for just such an occasion when you go out to clubs.. Yes trying to make her look like an unmarketable idiot is the much better response... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 It bothers you when people don't like you or are angry at you. Therapy taught me the concept of acceptance, where each of us owns our feelings and thoughts and are not responsible for each other's perspective, though we are responsible for our actions. In your case, saying 'thanks for your interest but I'm really not interested in seeing you' might elicit a negative comment. This comment stems from their feelings of hurt and/or rejection; that's their responsibility. They could've processed that feeling differently and responded differently, and more positively, but chose not to. It's not personal to you, rather just them blowing off their hurt. People hurt and go on. As a single man, I got rejected plenty and hurt plenty. I had to learn how to deal with that. In your example, most of the actual battle was going on within you, and, once initiated, what you thought would be a painful conversation turned out a lot more positive than you envisioned. See how your own feelings colored your reality? Interesting stuff Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedmuch Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 She can't even bring herself to politely decline and you expect her to pull a carrot out of her purse, chomp on it and make horse noises to scare them away? I'm sure you carry a carrot in your purse for just such an occasion when you go out to clubs.. Yes trying to make her look like an unmarketable idiot is the much better response... Haha, at the very least I can get a good laugh out of all this, thanks guys! Link to post Share on other sites
espec10001 Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 She can't even bring herself to politely decline and you expect her to pull a carrot out of her purse, chomp on it and make horse noises to scare them away? I'm sure you carry a carrot in your purse for just such an occasion when you go out to clubs.. Yes trying to make her look like an unmarketable idiot is the much better response... The key here is though she does not want to hurt his feelings. By acting in crazy ways she isn't hurting his feelings, she's changing his feelings towards her. This is the crucial difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Yukikazi Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 The key here is though she does not want to hurt his feelings. By acting in crazy ways she isn't hurting his feelings, she's changing his feelings towards her. This is the crucial difference. But making herself look like a fracking lunatic in the process. If she is too shy to be anything but nice.. she will be too shy to act like her later destination is anything less then a rubber room. Link to post Share on other sites
espec10001 Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 But making herself look like a fracking lunatic in the process. If she is too shy to be anything but nice.. she will be too shy to act like her later destination is anything less then a rubber room. Phew, looks like you want the big guns. Ok, so too shy to be crazy, gotcha. The next card to pull is the gross out card. Cough in his face, pick your nose and wipe it on his shirt, "accidentally" spill a drink all over him, when he says something emotional tell him you farted. I'm telling ya man, there is all sorts of fun things she can do! Link to post Share on other sites
Yukikazi Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 I'm telling ya man, there is all sorts of fun things she can do! But does she have the backbone to do them... thats the question. Link to post Share on other sites
harmfulsweetz Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Lol, espec1001, excellent suggestions. I'm sitting in the library at uni creasing myself laughing. I would so do the carrot stick. or coo wildly in a baby voice to the nearest animals. On a more serious note, it's about asserting yourself. I'm very much the same, if someone asks me out and if I'm not into him, I'll struggle to say no. It's all about thinking 'do you want to actually go out with him?' No, well then tell him that. Once you get over the fear of hurting people, them getting angry at you, which they have no right to do, you'll do it no problem. If you don't, you could find yourself in very comprimising situations. I used to struggle so bad with being 'mean' or coming off 'mean', and rude, I was almost attacked. I was walking along with my friend on holiday, going home from a night out, when this man approached us. He started chatting to us,and even though we didn't really want to talk to him, we did. Because we feared being rude. He followed us home, eventually grabbing us and tugging us when we tried to get away. Don't let your niceness prevent you from getting out of situations like these. If you have to be rude, be rude. It sounds like a confidence thing, you are too afraid of what others think of you to actually assert yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Yukikazi Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Try to think about it this way.. you are not rejecting him.. you are rejecting the approach. Link to post Share on other sites
TheLoneSock Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 After going for the past 2 months on a string of dates with a string of different guys and finding myself lost and confused way too many times, I figured I should change something so it's a little less painful when dating. I realized I'm just TOO NICE. Someone could literally steal my boyfriend, crush me, then come back a month later sincerely asking for forgiveness and I would forgive them with almost no thought. I would still distrust them deep down, but I'd still forgive them and be friends with them again. Similarly, if there's something that I don't want to do (like go and get completely drunk one night when I have to work the next day) but my friend begs and pleads with me to go, I'll cave after about 10 minutes and agree to go. And, in the same way, if a guy is going on about how great I am, etc, etc, and then wants to take me out again, but I'm not into him as much (or at all, really), I will usually cave and accept the date anyway without really telling how him how I feel. It's weird, I'm afraid of hurting their feelings. I know, that's a terrible worry to have since dating is never a sure thing anyway. But, with all that having been said, is there anything someone can tell me that would make it easier for me to just go ahead and be not so nice and turn those guys down that I'm not interested in? Rather than leading them on for however long? Or what if I just started ignoring them? Would that be too mean? If you are truly uninterested in them, just tell them you have a boyfriend. Or that you're in the middle of a break up and a new guy is the last thing you want. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 OP, do you have a need to be liked by everyone? if so, then you are going to have a problem telling people off (in a nice way, of course)....so first, know that you are not going to be liked by EVERYONE. Some people won't even have an opinion about you-- and that's ok. Some people ( ahem...men) can be dense and cannot really read "between the lines" or even interpret "body language" correctly( example:" she was busy texting and took a call when I was trying to ask her out-do you think she likes me? ). So, you have to spell it out to them...slowly, deliberately....as in "that's is so sweet...but I am not available"--if they insist, get a restraining order....LOL...no, just kidding Link to post Share on other sites
temple Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Actually I find leading them on much crueler than telling them outright. So in the future just tell yourself: in the long run I'm being kind by telling them I'm not interested, as they won't put any more emotional investment in me! Link to post Share on other sites
Scottdmw Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 OP, seriously, just tell the guy you're not interested. It is the most kind thing you can do. I know you find it hard, but consider how hard it is for guys who always have to do the asking in relationships. You can give them a straight answer. I can't tell you how many times a woman has said something to me like “I'm not looking for a relationship right now” when it's clear she is or some other lame reason why she can't date me. These lies are almost always transparent to a guy. Now he's not only upset that you rejected him, but that you lied to him too. I can say that on the few occasions when a woman has just simply told me she's not interested, I was still upset, but I RESPECTED her in a big way for it. I didn't say anything mean or angry. To the women that lie, sometimes I give them a less kind opinion. Scott Link to post Share on other sites
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