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Help! Why do men talk about other women..??


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Old 13th December 2009, 12:45 AM   #1
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Help! Why do men talk about other women..??

Looking for some insight here: why guys talk about other women to a woman they are with and like / love. A woman they are even pursuing for a serious relationship? It could be anything from describing the way an ex looked, to saying strong things about what "all men" like (i.e. breasts, certain ethnicities, etc), to making comments about a woman on the TV screen. It's my feeling that when guys do this they're trying to send a message that the woman they're with isn't that important to him. That's fine, but when comments like these are consistently coming from a man who loves me and says he wants "forever" with me, well, I don't get it at all. Those are some serious mixed messages coming at me.

Basically, I am going to break up with him over this if I don't figure something else out.. because I can't tolerate it any longer, even though I love him and want to keep seeing him, I can't stand this lack of common courtesy. I don't like it because it makes me feel bad. He is constantly saying: this "beautiful woman" and that "beautiful woman" & on & on... and when I tell him it makes me feel bad I'm accused of being "insecure" and that I shouldn't be insecure because I'm beautiful. So it becomes something I'm supposed to "work on". Seriously? Why do I have to work on my self-esteem because some (insecure?) men like to alienate their dates? Or are just rude.

The guy I'm seeing refuses to acknowledge! that he even said the things he said, and/or says he was "joking". I'm like huh?!? What is this about??

I've noticed that some guys I've dated do this all the time, and some never do. Is it a matter of social conditioning? And if so, why are these guys so invested in making these comments? Why would they rather lose a one-in-a-million woman that they claim to have been waiting for their whole life, than change one simple behavior?
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Old 13th December 2009, 12:53 AM   #2
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Please be more specific. What exactly is he saying and with what frequency? Some people are just more considerate and mannerly than others. Some women I've dated think that our dating relationship gives them carte blanche to comment on every aspect of my personality, character and appearance, clothing, etc. and others do not act so rudely.

Will say that sometimes it's a good sign when a partner speaks freely, even if it's rude on occasion, rather than being silent. Have found that with some, it's more worrisome when they stop talking than if they say something rude and thoughtless every now and then. "The devil you know" and all that.
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Old 13th December 2009, 12:59 AM   #3
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You must fight fire with fire - in poster form.

You can also do this if he has a fetish, like a young girl fetish or an Asian fetish and he's too stupid to delete his history or close his browser.

Somehow find posters of hot men. It really works if they all have something in common that your boyfriend does not have, like huge muscles or they're Bollywood dudes or something.

TACK AWAY!

Hilarious results. Who knows, you might even develop a kink for muscle men!

If what he says bothers you, tell him. If he doesn't get it, he doesn't understand women. If he keeps it up, dump his naive butt.

But do the poster thing. It's gold.
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Old 13th December 2009, 1:11 AM   #4
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You should communicate this to him, otherwise he will not be aware of it.

Once communicated, he should respect your wish - but you're not scott free - if you break out into oogling another guy, drooling at the mouth etc. you've lost all credibility and any man with a backbone will call you out on it...
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Old 13th December 2009, 1:14 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by meerkat stew View Post
Please be more specific. What exactly is he saying and with what frequency? Some people are just more considerate and mannerly than others. Some women I've dated think that our dating relationship gives them carte blanche to comment on every aspect of my personality, character and appearance, clothing, etc. and others do not act so rudely.
He can't mention a woman in any context in any conversation we have without commenting on her level of attraction, like "My beautiful friend Mary, who works at Macy's..", or "This girl who called me drunk just now.. we dated for a few weeks but she had too many problems.. she's stunningly gorgeous".. or "My poor friend Jane, she's so unattractive that it's hard for her.." etc etc. In other words he deems and judges every woman he knows, AND TELLS ME HIS THOUGHTS. Why?

ALso he has made some ridiculously outrageous comments which he now denies. "All men love DD's" and "All asian women are hot". Now, I am not asian, nor do I want to be, and I don't have DD's, nor do I want them. It's the principle of him saying these things TO ME that I just don't understand. It irritates and annoys me because it's constant. And if I tell him it makes me feel bad it makes absolutely no difference to him - he just keeps it up. I guess he can't help himself.


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Originally Posted by meerkat stew View Post
Will say that sometimes it's a good sign when a partner speaks freely, even if it's rude on occasion, rather than being silent. Have found that with some, it's more worrisome when they stop talking than if they say something rude and thoughtless every now and then. "The devil you know" and all that.
Sure, that makes sense. I just can't continue to be uncomfortable like this. I'm afraid of what he'll say next. I don't want to be treated great by him some of the time, and then have to tolerate these comments and feel bad. I'm not comfortable with it. But I don't know how to get through to him how destructive it is.
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Old 13th December 2009, 1:15 AM   #6
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Well I think he is just communicating what is on his mind. And the male mind spends quite a bit of time thinking about beautiful women/sex, I would imagine.

I like the poster suggestion.


Reminds me of a portrait I have of a man, that is currently hanging in my basement. That portrait won't be coming down - regardless of what anyone says.

If anyone gives me a hard time, I'm going to say it is "art".
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Old 13th December 2009, 1:17 AM   #7
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You must fight fire with fire - in poster form.

You can also do this if he has a fetish, like a young girl fetish or an Asian fetish and he's too stupid to delete his history or close his browser.

Somehow find posters of hot men. It really works if they all have something in common that your boyfriend does not have, like huge muscles or they're Bollywood dudes or something.

TACK AWAY!

Hilarious results. Who knows, you might even develop a kink for muscle men!

If what he says bothers you, tell him. If he doesn't get it, he doesn't understand women. If he keeps it up, dump his naive butt.

But do the poster thing. It's gold.
Hmm.. interesting idea, and you know what? I think I'll do it.
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Old 13th December 2009, 1:22 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by You'reasian View Post
You should communicate this to him, otherwise he will not be aware of it.

Once communicated, he should respect your wish - but you're not scott free - if you break out into oogling another guy, drooling at the mouth etc. you've lost all credibility and any man with a backbone will call you out on it...
Well I have let him know that it hurts me, and asked him to tone it down some please. And maybe he has, but it still goes on all the time. Every time we get together there's another one, or two...

I feel like direct verbal communication rarely works with men anyway. They just get defiant because they think you're telling them what to do instead of telling them how you feel. They don't realize sometimes, until it's too late, that their woman will leave because she has been communicating to him, but he chose not to pay attention, or change his behavior so she could stop feeling bad.

Oh and I don't drool.. LOL or talk about how "hot" other men are around the guy I'm with. I know it's rude and would never do it - not even to a guy that does - that would be degrading myself.
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Old 13th December 2009, 1:27 AM   #9
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My married friend has a wife who feels the need to tell him every man she thinks is attractive wheter its on tv or whatever

I personally think its rude but it doesnt bother him which i guess is what counts

Being in a relationship or married doesnt mean u cant find other people attratcive i just dont get why some people feel the need to tell their partner every single person they think is attractive
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Old 13th December 2009, 1:31 AM   #10
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My married friend has a wife who feels the need to tell him every man she thinks is attractive wheter its on tv or whatever

I personally think its rude but it doesnt bother him which i guess is what counts

Being in a relaitnship or married doesnt mean u cant find other people attratcive i just dont get why some people feel the need to tell their partner every single person they think is attractive
Exactly.. maybe it is just a matter of how a person was socialized. Some people think it's normal and perfectly OK to do this, others (like me & you) think it's rude. I never heard any man in my family doing this in front of their woman. My dad never did, nor my uncles, grandfathers, or brothers. But the interesting thing now that I think of it is that the guy I'm seeing - I met his dad and he did it in front of his wife - even in talking about me! But when I mentioned that to my guy he denied that he was anything like his dad in that way!
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Old 13th December 2009, 1:31 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by harmonious View Post
I feel like direct verbal communication rarely works with men anyway. They just get defiant because they think you're telling them what to do instead of telling them how you feel. They don't realize sometimes, until it's too late, that their woman will leave because she has been communicating to him, but he chose not to pay attention, or change his behavior so she could stop feeling bad.

My mom taught high school males for a decade. She says only one thing works with men - to get your point across.


HUMOUR


If you make a joke about the problem, then it stops being so confrontational. Well, sort of.
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Old 13th December 2009, 1:31 AM   #12
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Well I have let him know that it hurts me, and asked him to tone it down some please. And maybe he has, but it still goes on all the time. Every time we get together there's another one, or two...

I feel like direct verbal communication rarely works with men anyway. They just get defiant because they think you're telling them what to do instead of telling them how you feel. They don't realize sometimes, until it's too late, that their woman will leave because she has been communicating to him, but he chose not to pay attention, or change his behavior so she could stop feeling bad.

Oh and I don't drool.. LOL or talk about how "hot" other men are around the guy I'm with. I know it's rude and would never do it - not even to a guy that does - that would be degrading myself.
Excellent that you hold yourself to higher standards. Now you just have to continue to walk that walk.

Direct verbal communication does work. Its best delivered one on one, face to face....with someone you love and who loves you

I'm okay with a woman leaving me, especially if she can't acknowledge what she really wants (words/actions not matching) - I am better of with a woman who knows what she wants (me and only me), is mature and is done sewing her wild oats...

Last edited by You'reasian; 13th December 2009 at 1:36 AM..
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Old 13th December 2009, 2:07 AM   #13
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I just can't continue to be uncomfortable like this.
Based on the above and the examples you post, I wouldn't bother with the poster idea, would just dump him, unless he really shines in other ways, as his behavior rises well beyond thoughtless. He sounds very limited and boring.

Dated a woman who would preface every introduction or conversation about a person with details of their wealth, social standing or club membership. Let it slide as a quirk and lo and behold, turned out those were all that mattered. Those things were her total estimation of the value of another human being.

Dated another woman much like your guy, who constantly made physical comments about everyone. Let it slide as a quirk and lo and behold, turned out that was all that mattered to her.
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Old 13th December 2009, 2:31 AM   #14
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Based on the above and the examples you post, I wouldn't bother with the poster idea, would just dump him, unless he really shines in other ways, as his behavior rises well beyond thoughtless. He sounds very limited and boring.

Dated a woman who would preface every introduction or conversation about a person with details of their wealth, social standing or club membership. Let it slide as a quirk and lo and behold, turned out those were all that mattered. Those things were her total estimation of the value of another human being.

Dated another woman much like your guy, who constantly made physical comments about everyone. Let it slide as a quirk and lo and behold, turned out that was all that mattered to her.
I agree with this. Especially since you have addressed this with him and he refused to even consider your viewpoint and just accused you of being and insecure and should just get over it. This guy isn't going to change how he thinks and he isn't going to take your concerns into consideration.

As an example, consider how he has handled other concerns that you have raised. Does he listen to your thoughts and feelings, or does he dismiss them or somehow turn it around so that you are the one with the problem? If he does that consistently, run, run far and fast.
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Old 13th December 2009, 9:31 AM   #15
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Sometimes it is better to just cut your losses and move on to the next person. Not everyone is a good match, and it sounds like you and this guy just aren't a good match for each other.
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