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Help! Why do men talk about other women..??


harmonious

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Looking for some insight here: why guys talk about other women to a woman they are with and like / love. A woman they are even pursuing for a serious relationship? It could be anything from describing the way an ex looked, to saying strong things about what "all men" like (i.e. breasts, certain ethnicities, etc), to making comments about a woman on the TV screen. It's my feeling that when guys do this they're trying to send a message that the woman they're with isn't that important to him. That's fine, but when comments like these are consistently coming from a man who loves me and says he wants "forever" with me, well, I don't get it at all. Those are some serious mixed messages coming at me.

 

Basically, I am going to break up with him over this if I don't figure something else out.. because I can't tolerate it any longer, even though I love him and want to keep seeing him, I can't stand this lack of common courtesy. I don't like it because it makes me feel bad. He is constantly saying: this "beautiful woman" and that "beautiful woman" & on & on... and when I tell him it makes me feel bad I'm accused of being "insecure" and that I shouldn't be insecure because I'm beautiful. So it becomes something I'm supposed to "work on". Seriously? Why do I have to work on my self-esteem because some (insecure?) men like to alienate their dates? Or are just rude.

 

The guy I'm seeing refuses to acknowledge! that he even said the things he said, and/or says he was "joking". I'm like huh?!? What is this about??

 

I've noticed that some guys I've dated do this all the time, and some never do. Is it a matter of social conditioning? And if so, why are these guys so invested in making these comments? Why would they rather lose a one-in-a-million woman that they claim to have been waiting for their whole life, than change one simple behavior?

:sick::confused:

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Please be more specific. What exactly is he saying and with what frequency? Some people are just more considerate and mannerly than others. Some women I've dated think that our dating relationship gives them carte blanche to comment on every aspect of my personality, character and appearance, clothing, etc. and others do not act so rudely.

 

Will say that sometimes it's a good sign when a partner speaks freely, even if it's rude on occasion, rather than being silent. Have found that with some, it's more worrisome when they stop talking than if they say something rude and thoughtless every now and then. "The devil you know" and all that.

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Awesome Username

You must fight fire with fire - in poster form.

 

You can also do this if he has a fetish, like a young girl fetish or an Asian fetish and he's too stupid to delete his history or close his browser.

 

Somehow find posters of hot men. It really works if they all have something in common that your boyfriend does not have, like huge muscles or they're Bollywood dudes or something.

 

TACK AWAY!

 

Hilarious results. Who knows, you might even develop a kink for muscle men!

 

If what he says bothers you, tell him. If he doesn't get it, he doesn't understand women. If he keeps it up, dump his naive butt.

 

But do the poster thing. It's gold.

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You should communicate this to him, otherwise he will not be aware of it.

 

Once communicated, he should respect your wish - but you're not scott free - if you break out into oogling another guy, drooling at the mouth etc. you've lost all credibility and any man with a backbone will call you out on it...

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Please be more specific. What exactly is he saying and with what frequency? Some people are just more considerate and mannerly than others. Some women I've dated think that our dating relationship gives them carte blanche to comment on every aspect of my personality, character and appearance, clothing, etc. and others do not act so rudely.

 

He can't mention a woman in any context in any conversation we have without commenting on her level of attraction, like "My beautiful friend Mary, who works at Macy's..", or "This girl who called me drunk just now.. we dated for a few weeks but she had too many problems.. she's stunningly gorgeous".. or "My poor friend Jane, she's so unattractive that it's hard for her.." etc etc. In other words he deems and judges every woman he knows, AND TELLS ME HIS THOUGHTS. Why?

 

ALso he has made some ridiculously outrageous comments which he now denies. "All men love DD's" and "All asian women are hot". Now, I am not asian, nor do I want to be, and I don't have DD's, nor do I want them. It's the principle of him saying these things TO ME that I just don't understand. It irritates and annoys me because it's constant. And if I tell him it makes me feel bad it makes absolutely no difference to him - he just keeps it up. I guess he can't help himself.

 

 

Will say that sometimes it's a good sign when a partner speaks freely, even if it's rude on occasion, rather than being silent. Have found that with some, it's more worrisome when they stop talking than if they say something rude and thoughtless every now and then. "The devil you know" and all that.

 

Sure, that makes sense. I just can't continue to be uncomfortable like this. I'm afraid of what he'll say next. I don't want to be treated great by him some of the time, and then have to tolerate these comments and feel bad. I'm not comfortable with it. But I don't know how to get through to him how destructive it is.

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Boundary Problem

Well I think he is just communicating what is on his mind. And the male mind spends quite a bit of time thinking about beautiful women/sex, I would imagine.

 

I like the poster suggestion.

 

 

Reminds me of a portrait I have of a man, that is currently hanging in my basement. That portrait won't be coming down - regardless of what anyone says.

 

If anyone gives me a hard time, I'm going to say it is "art".

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You must fight fire with fire - in poster form.

 

You can also do this if he has a fetish, like a young girl fetish or an Asian fetish and he's too stupid to delete his history or close his browser.

 

Somehow find posters of hot men. It really works if they all have something in common that your boyfriend does not have, like huge muscles or they're Bollywood dudes or something.

 

TACK AWAY!

 

Hilarious results. Who knows, you might even develop a kink for muscle men!

 

If what he says bothers you, tell him. If he doesn't get it, he doesn't understand women. If he keeps it up, dump his naive butt.

 

But do the poster thing. It's gold.

Hmm.. interesting idea, and you know what? I think I'll do it.

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You should communicate this to him, otherwise he will not be aware of it.

 

Once communicated, he should respect your wish - but you're not scott free - if you break out into oogling another guy, drooling at the mouth etc. you've lost all credibility and any man with a backbone will call you out on it...

 

Well I have let him know that it hurts me, and asked him to tone it down some please. And maybe he has, but it still goes on all the time. Every time we get together there's another one, or two...

 

I feel like direct verbal communication rarely works with men anyway. They just get defiant because they think you're telling them what to do instead of telling them how you feel. They don't realize sometimes, until it's too late, that their woman will leave because she has been communicating to him, but he chose not to pay attention, or change his behavior so she could stop feeling bad.

 

Oh and I don't drool.. LOL or talk about how "hot" other men are around the guy I'm with. I know it's rude and would never do it - not even to a guy that does - that would be degrading myself.

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My married friend has a wife who feels the need to tell him every man she thinks is attractive wheter its on tv or whatever

 

I personally think its rude but it doesnt bother him which i guess is what counts

 

Being in a relationship or married doesnt mean u cant find other people attratcive i just dont get why some people feel the need to tell their partner every single person they think is attractive

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My married friend has a wife who feels the need to tell him every man she thinks is attractive wheter its on tv or whatever

 

I personally think its rude but it doesnt bother him which i guess is what counts

 

Being in a relaitnship or married doesnt mean u cant find other people attratcive i just dont get why some people feel the need to tell their partner every single person they think is attractive

 

Exactly.. maybe it is just a matter of how a person was socialized. Some people think it's normal and perfectly OK to do this, others (like me & you) think it's rude. I never heard any man in my family doing this in front of their woman. My dad never did, nor my uncles, grandfathers, or brothers. But the interesting thing now that I think of it is that the guy I'm seeing - I met his dad and he did it in front of his wife - even in talking about me! But when I mentioned that to my guy he denied that he was anything like his dad in that way!

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Boundary Problem

I feel like direct verbal communication rarely works with men anyway. They just get defiant because they think you're telling them what to do instead of telling them how you feel. They don't realize sometimes, until it's too late, that their woman will leave because she has been communicating to him, but he chose not to pay attention, or change his behavior so she could stop feeling bad.

 

 

My mom taught high school males for a decade. She says only one thing works with men - to get your point across.

 

 

HUMOUR

 

 

If you make a joke about the problem, then it stops being so confrontational. Well, sort of.

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Well I have let him know that it hurts me, and asked him to tone it down some please. And maybe he has, but it still goes on all the time. Every time we get together there's another one, or two...

 

I feel like direct verbal communication rarely works with men anyway. They just get defiant because they think you're telling them what to do instead of telling them how you feel. They don't realize sometimes, until it's too late, that their woman will leave because she has been communicating to him, but he chose not to pay attention, or change his behavior so she could stop feeling bad.

 

Oh and I don't drool.. LOL or talk about how "hot" other men are around the guy I'm with. I know it's rude and would never do it - not even to a guy that does - that would be degrading myself.

 

Excellent that you hold yourself to higher standards. Now you just have to continue to walk that walk.

 

Direct verbal communication does work. Its best delivered one on one, face to face....with someone you love and who loves you :)

 

I'm okay with a woman leaving me, especially if she can't acknowledge what she really wants (words/actions not matching) - I am better of with a woman who knows what she wants (me and only me), is mature and is done sewing her wild oats...

Edited by You'reasian
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I just can't continue to be uncomfortable like this.

 

Based on the above and the examples you post, I wouldn't bother with the poster idea, would just dump him, unless he really shines in other ways, as his behavior rises well beyond thoughtless. He sounds very limited and boring.

 

Dated a woman who would preface every introduction or conversation about a person with details of their wealth, social standing or club membership. Let it slide as a quirk and lo and behold, turned out those were all that mattered. Those things were her total estimation of the value of another human being.

 

Dated another woman much like your guy, who constantly made physical comments about everyone. Let it slide as a quirk and lo and behold, turned out that was all that mattered to her.

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Based on the above and the examples you post, I wouldn't bother with the poster idea, would just dump him, unless he really shines in other ways, as his behavior rises well beyond thoughtless. He sounds very limited and boring.

 

Dated a woman who would preface every introduction or conversation about a person with details of their wealth, social standing or club membership. Let it slide as a quirk and lo and behold, turned out those were all that mattered. Those things were her total estimation of the value of another human being.

 

Dated another woman much like your guy, who constantly made physical comments about everyone. Let it slide as a quirk and lo and behold, turned out that was all that mattered to her.

 

I agree with this. Especially since you have addressed this with him and he refused to even consider your viewpoint and just accused you of being and insecure and should just get over it. This guy isn't going to change how he thinks and he isn't going to take your concerns into consideration.

 

As an example, consider how he has handled other concerns that you have raised. Does he listen to your thoughts and feelings, or does he dismiss them or somehow turn it around so that you are the one with the problem? If he does that consistently, run, run far and fast.

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LucreziaBorgia

Sometimes it is better to just cut your losses and move on to the next person. Not everyone is a good match, and it sounds like you and this guy just aren't a good match for each other.

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torranceshipman
Looking for some insight here: why guys talk about other women to a woman they are with and like / love. A woman they are even pursuing for a serious relationship? It could be anything from describing the way an ex looked, to saying strong things about what "all men" like (i.e. breasts, certain ethnicities, etc), to making comments about a woman on the TV screen. It's my feeling that when guys do this they're trying to send a message that the woman they're with isn't that important to him. That's fine, but when comments like these are consistently coming from a man who loves me and says he wants "forever" with me, well, I don't get it at all. Those are some serious mixed messages coming at me.

 

Basically, I am going to break up with him over this if I don't figure something else out.. because I can't tolerate it any longer, even though I love him and want to keep seeing him, I can't stand this lack of common courtesy. I don't like it because it makes me feel bad. He is constantly saying: this "beautiful woman" and that "beautiful woman" & on & on... and when I tell him it makes me feel bad I'm accused of being "insecure" and that I shouldn't be insecure because I'm beautiful. So it becomes something I'm supposed to "work on". Seriously? Why do I have to work on my self-esteem because some (insecure?) men like to alienate their dates? Or are just rude.

 

The guy I'm seeing refuses to acknowledge! that he even said the things he said, and/or says he was "joking". I'm like huh?!? What is this about??

 

I've noticed that some guys I've dated do this all the time, and some never do. Is it a matter of social conditioning? And if so, why are these guys so invested in making these comments? Why would they rather lose a one-in-a-million woman that they claim to have been waiting for their whole life, than change one simple behavior?

:sick::confused:

 

Recently my boyfriend and I were walking along, and a really attractive woman walked past. I completely misheard him and thought he made a comment about her (when in fact he didn't at all - it was so funny when I realized what he was actually talking about, but now I can't remember what that was - lol, sorry, I get a D for storytelling right now, but anyway you get my point!). Anyway, when he realized that I thought he'd made a direct comment to me about another girl, he was sooo cute - he said 'omg God I'd be such a JERK if I did that, omg!!' - he often says stuff like that...on the TV the other day there was some random guy saying something sexist and my boyfriend said 'omg he is such a chauvanist pig'!!! Hahaha!! Bless him.

 

But anyway my point is, a guy knows exactly what he is doing when he says stuff about other girls in front of you. He knows he is being disrespectful and that you won't like it. But he says it anyway. Tell him to stop and if he doesn't, find another guy.

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I don't do this when with women.

It's like telling your best friend that the person their GF dumped them for is in fact THAT much better than them. :)

 

That isn't cool.

 

However, when I was with my wife, if she commented negatively on a hot womans clothes i'd say "I agree, she should take it off immediately"

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Pink Cupcakes

Men who do this like to make their partner be somewhat insecure so that they are "in charge" of the relationship, so to speak.

 

The last laugh is on them - men who feel the need to bring their girlfriend down a notch or two with comments about other women are very insecure with themselves. Just like your boyfriend told you it is YOUR problem with insecurity - he enjoys having you in that position because he is wracked with insecurity himself and making you feel like this somehow brings him satisfaction and more security within himself.

 

Dump him immediately.

He won't stop doing it.

He has basically told you he won't stop doing it and it's your problem.

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Basically, I am going to break up with him over this if I don't figure something else out.. because I can't tolerate it any longer, even though I love him and want to keep seeing him, I can't stand this lack of common courtesy.

 

Excellent boundary and that would be my advice. It's OK and quite normal to love someone who you later determine to be incompatible and/or unhealthy for you. You know what you know when you know it. I would beware of him turning on the charm when you leave. Men like him are quite good at that. See it for what it is, the bloviations of an insecure human being. Best wishes :)

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Men who do this like to make their partner be somewhat insecure so that they are "in charge" of the relationship, so to speak.

 

The last laugh is on them - men who feel the need to bring their girlfriend down a notch or two with comments about other women are very insecure with themselves. Just like your boyfriend told you it is YOUR problem with insecurity - he enjoys having you in that position because he is wracked with insecurity himself and making you feel like this somehow brings him satisfaction and more security within himself.

 

Dump him immediately.

He won't stop doing it.

He has basically told you he won't stop doing it and it's your problem.

 

 

I pretty much agree with the above. I'm curious, however, how exactly you deal with and respond to his comments when he makes them. If his comments are due to his own insecurities as the above post suggests, it should be relatively easy to turn it around on him with a few well placed comments of your own.

 

Have you ever tried having a direct discussion about his opinions of other women? For example, when he says "that woman has such a great butt, or her DDs are awesome" have you tried asking him why and initiating a conversation on exactly why those particular physical attributes get such classifications? Something like, "I don't see it, why would having DD's be such a good thing, I mean, wouldn't they get in the way when you're on top" and "I'm sure that woman must have terrible back problems, trying to put those things away all the time, she can't have much fun with them flopping around so much." Perhaps you are't used to being that crude, but if that isn't your style in general, such an approach may be even more effective. Openly talking with him about the exact nature of why each of the features he points out is attractive, or exactly 'why' a particular woman gets the 'beautiful' adjective, may just have a certain shock value that would get him to cut it out.

 

Instead of openly taking it personally, even though it does seem to offend you, if you treat it like just another conversation and make nothing of it (like you two were talking about why a pet dog is so particularly cute, instead of other women), he would no longer have that degree of 'control' over your responses and he may cut it out. His actions and comments would no longer be giving him the desired response from you. Whenever a guy I'm with starts talking about some other woman, I figure 'game on' and I make them justify every single one of their comments. Sometimes I'll even start the conversation before they get a chance to, if I know some woman has an attribute they find attractive (something like "did you see that girl's butt, she had a nice one). I never bother trying to ask them how I compare to this imaginary set of criteria, because obviously I must be good enough since they're with me, so people-watching and the comments associated with it instead serves as an interesting source of entertainment when we're out in public. I've even been able to make some of the guys I've spent time with blush ;), if only because they're not used to openly discussing and admitting what they find attractive.

 

Just a different perspective on how to possibly deal with it, if you decide you want to try one more thing before cutting him loose. It does sound like he's being an inconsiderate a$$, but his denial of being anything like his father indicates that he may simply be conditioned to behave badly without realizing it. You openly discussing the intricacies of his comments with him whenever he makes such comments, without taking offense or ignoring him, making him justifying what he says, may clue him in to exactly how often he actually does it and get him to quit or at least change his tone.

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Men who do this like to make their partner be somewhat insecure so that they are "in charge" of the relationship, so to speak.

 

The last laugh is on them - men who feel the need to bring their girlfriend down a notch or two with comments about other women are very insecure with themselves. Just like your boyfriend told you it is YOUR problem with insecurity - he enjoys having you in that position because he is wracked with insecurity himself and making you feel like this somehow brings him satisfaction and more security within himself.

 

Dump him immediately.

He won't stop doing it.

He has basically told you he won't stop doing it and it's your problem.

 

This is it in a nut shell.

You shouldn't be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. I don't like risking giving hasty advise, so make sure he is CLEAR on how his behavior effects you. If he is and still does it, drop him cold. Its one thing to have a guy constantly bring work your own insecurities about measuring up physically to others in his eye, its even worse to have him act like your feelings are not up to snuff either.

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paddington bear

the guy I'm kind of seeing does this periodically (along with the not listening...). Last time I put my fingers in my ears and sang "la la la la la la la la laaaa" repeatedly, took my fingers out of my ears and he was still banging on about how beautiful the women were in Poland "Oh you should see them, they are so gorgeous, and their figures" la la la la laaaa. I just repeated the la laaas until he had to stop because he was laughing so hard. I think he's doing this to make me jealous because I haven't been falling head over heels for him and he's trying to get some kind of emotional reaction out of me (which in this case is understandable from his side - we are not in a relationship and I haven't been forthcoming with protestations of love etc).

 

Anyway, I read in some dating book once that one should (periodically) point out to the man you are with how beautiful some girl is, if you think it so, thus giving him permission to oogle her...rather than him guiltily taking a sneek peek and that he would appreciate that, not being a man, I have no idea if this is true.

 

However, I was with a guy once who sounds like this person you are dating. And I can tell you this, he did it on purpose, he did it (looking back) because he knew it pissed me off, and he did it to make himself feel better, reaffirm that I wanted him, that he could get a raise out of me, even if I said nothing, you can't hide your pissed off body language. I did eventually say something to him and he laughed it off...one week later he said "I was thinking about what you said, and you're right, it's rude and mean to do that and I won't do it again."

 

I talked to a friend about this and she said that even with male friends, if they go too over the top talking about how good looking other women are, or pointing out beautiful women, that she says "You are with a good looking woman now, I'm not a man, I'm not interested in discussing how wonderful other women are" and that pretty much shuts them up.

 

The problem with hearing this repeatedly is that it is a slow, subtle self-esteem killing drip, so that you end up feeling like the guy doesn't love you just the way you are and that you're not good enough, and I think that is the dangerous part of all of this, yes it's insulting and rude, but it's the emotional effects on your own confidence that will have lasting damage, so I echo what everyone else said, tell him it seriously pisses you off, it's rude, it's insulting, you dont' like it, and if he doesn't stop, dump him - he may come running back after you do and change his ways then, but don't let him make you feel 'not good enough'.

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SincereOnlineGuy

 

I'm accused of being "insecure" and that I shouldn't be insecure because I'm beautiful. So it becomes something I'm supposed to "work on". Seriously? Why do I have to work on my self-esteem because some (insecure?) men like to alienate their dates? Or are just rude.

 

 

 

Where in the world do you get "insecurity" in a guy, just because of all this reference to other women?

 

 

and in answer to your original question:

 

"Why do men talk about other women..?? "

 

- Because you don't typically want to hear about fishing reels, baseball cards, draft beers, and batting averages.

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