...blown it?

[caz83]

So I decided to go for it and try the online dating thing. Before I joined the site I had a look at the people who were on it first as I thought Im not going to waste my money if there's no one there that Im interested in. Anyway so I had a look and straight away this guy caught my eye, his picture, his profile, everything. So I joined up and while I was waiting for my profile to be approved I kept reading his profile. So I was really happy that as soon as my profile went on line, the first message I got was from him!

We have been emailing/texting for about 4 weeks now and last week he called me and we chatted for about half and hour and it was really easy and comfortable (it took a long time for me to agree to talk on the phone because I'm quite shy, but he was very understanding and didnt give up trying!) He suggested meeting for a coffee this weekend, but in the end he couldnt make it because of work, so he said that we would do it next weekend instead, which I'm fine with.

Anyway, the thing that attracted me to him the most is that he has quite strong morals when it comes to relationships, he says he is very committed when he has a girlfriend etc and hasnt had many. One of the first things that he said would put him off a girl would be if she has been too promiscuous. which didnt bother me, because I'm not and never have been..well I dont consider myself to be anyway. But now I think I may have blown it... On Friday night we were texting alot, asking lots of questions and it was going really well, finding out about eachother and he was saying really nice things. Then he asked how many boyfriends I've had. So I told him I have had 5 serious boyfriends (which is the truth). He knows from a previous conversation that me and my ex (who I split from in march) were together for 4 years..so he did the maths and text back saying "so you've had 4 serious boyfriends before you were 22?...I was still a virgin when I was 22" and kind of went quiet after that. I said that he has made me feel bad now about something that I dont even think is wrong and he said "dont feel bad, there's no need to, we all have different lives"...but I dont know is he means it because he has been very quiet since. I'm really a bit fed up with it because in "real life" you dont find out these things about each other until later on in a relationship and I'll be really upset if he has let that put him off me before he has even met me. If he thinks I'm a girl who gets around then he couldnt be more wrong! and he would know that if he met me...but I'm worried that now it wont happen. I cant tell if he has been put off or not. He is replying to texts, but not being very chatty. He said that he has stopped talking to other girls off the website because he realised they werent his type and so doesnt want to waste his time...so if he has lost interest he would just not text back at all right?

Should I just outright ask him whether what I said has put him off? I dont think that 5 boyfriends by the age of 26 is that bad!

[boogieboy]

Dont bother with him, he's a prude. Leave him alone. If he cant handle you having 5 bf's you dont want him. Find someone else from the site, this guy has jealousy issues, and is already showing you this. If you actually went out on a date, chances are he will grill you about the 5 guys. He's insecure, cut him off.

[caz83]

I dont think of him as being a prude really, I kind of like the way he is and the attitude he has towards relationships. I just want to know if I'm now wasting my time...but dont know whether to just come right out with it and ask?

[boogieboy]

I dont think of him as being a prude really, I kind of like the way he is and the attitude he has towards relationships. I just want to know if I'm now wasting my time...but dont know whether to just come right out with it and ask?

 

You can ask, but he's probably not going to tell you. You may see his view as charming, but he sees you as something bad. So yes, you are wasting your time. You already know what it means when he is less chatty.

Edited December 6, 2009 by boogieboy

[caz83]

its just frustrating because he couldnt be more wrong about me!! This is what I dont like about internet dating..you ask questions and expect to know things that you wouldnt ask so early on in a 'real life' relationship. 5 boyfriends by 26 isnt that bad is it!??!

[dreamergrl]

The first few years of adulthood, you are mainly figuring out what you want. You are becoming your own person. Having 4 boyfriends by 22 is not bad. The fact that you had a 4 year relationship shows a lot. If he can't handle the answer to a question he asked, then oh well for him. Move on.

[DustySaltus]

i agree with boogieboy, this guy is a prude and this seems like just the tip of the iceberg. I see jealousy, insecurity and trust issues down the line....oh wait, you guys haven't even gone out for COFFEE yet, forget about it.

 

The key to internet dating is meeting with the person sooner than later and keeping the dialogue as general as you can with little insights about yourself, but not too much. I think the amount of guys you have dated is completely normal.

 

I would pass.

[caz83]

so update...he just called me and we chatted really well for about an hour and he didnt even mention it. so maybe he wasnt as bothered as I thought he was and I was over reacting

[elaina]

so update...he just called me and we chatted really well for about an hour and he didnt even mention it. so maybe he wasnt as bothered as I thought he was and I was over reacting

 

 

Oh, that's good.

 

Well, it is hard to understand guys sometimes!!! About your question, I don't see how you telling the truth would have "blown it." To me, if you had lied and then he had found out, that would have been a way bigger issue. it's never blowing it telling the truth, and how many boyfriends you've had doesn't seem like it'd be a reasonable breaker, you know?

 

It is easy though to worry when a guy gets quiet. Guys get quiet for different reasons though, and possibly his reason had nothing to do with the number of boyfriends you've had.

 

I hope everything works out for you two!

[DustySaltus]

so update...he just called me and we chatted really well for about an hour and he didnt even mention it. so maybe he wasnt as bothered as I thought he was and I was over reacting

 

so when are you guys going out...it's been a month?

[dreamergrl]

so when are you guys going out...it's been a month?

 

This is a good question. This is why I don't like to have endless chats prior to meeting.

[caz83]

Yeah obviously the boyfriend thing didn't bother him as much as I thought it did. Or maybe it did and that's why he went quiet...but then on reflection maybe he realised it wasn't a big deal? I don't know. It doesn't really matter now I suppose.

Its been nearly a month, about 3 weeks. The first week we were just emailing etc, the sencond weekend we talked about meeting but then I came down with the flu so couldn't do it, then it was this friday when he had to work late. But he said that he was really sorry and that he wouldn't let me down again and suggested next weekend instead. So will see what happens. I kind of just want to get it done now though, I don't like it taking so long because the more you talk to someone you can't help but get a little bit attached so if we meet and there is no physical chemistry or attraction then I would rather know sooner than later

[New Again]

The guy you've been talking to has control and self-esteem issues. His attitude does not bode well. He was sulking and pouting because he feels insecure about the number of bfs you've had. Good God. In a perfect world, this would've turned you off and you wouldn't be talking to him, so his sulking and what he thinks and "is he still interested" wouldn't even matter.

 

The thing I find inherently wrong with your post that no one else pointed out is that you have some kind of issue as well, since you're defining yourself by how some random internet person sees you - how your life stacks up based on some random guy's opinion - and you just "met" him!

 

Who cares what this guy thinks? Turn it around on him! Get mad that he's so presumptuous as to pout about the number of bfs you've had. Like you give a **** what he thinks? Instead of being so concerned about how that jackass feels or what he thinks, how about you being so disappointed in him for being so judgmental and close-minded?

[D-Lish]

Just remember that your past belongs to you, and it's not something you need to apologize to a stranger for. If he has any hang ups about it, those hang ups are his to own.

 

He may have been initially put off by it, but upon reflection may have come around. That's something to keep in mind about him! If he's prone to making judgements without having met you- hopefully this doesn't get worse.

[thegreatmoose]

Yeah obviously the boyfriend thing didn't bother him as much as I thought it did. Or maybe it did and that's why he went quiet...but then on reflection maybe he realised it wasn't a big deal? I don't know. It doesn't really matter now I suppose.

Its been nearly a month, about 3 weeks. The first week we were just emailing etc, the sencond weekend we talked about meeting but then I came down with the flu so couldn't do it, then it was this friday when he had to work late. But he said that he was really sorry and that he wouldn't let me down again and suggested next weekend instead. So will see what happens. I kind of just want to get it done now though, I don't like it taking so long because the more you talk to someone you can't help but get a little bit attached so if we meet and there is no physical chemistry or attraction then I would rather know sooner than later

There's no way to tell what he was really thinking over text messages and I'd not read too much into it yet. If he has a pattern of being negative, you will find out soon enough. When you meet him for the date, you will get a much better idea of what he is like and this may be positive or negtive.

 

Don't put all your eggs in one basket though and keep looking for others.

[caz83]

He hasn't made me second guess myself atall, or feel like I should apologise. When I wrote "5 boyfriends by 26 isnt that bad is it?!" it was more of a rhetorical question, because I know its not bad!

I'm not going to write him off just yet...but I'm also not going to get too hopeful. I will just wait and see what vibe I get off him when we finally meet as I think that is the best way to get to know someone. The only times I have felt like he has been a bit "off" with me has been in text messages..but when we talk on the phone he is really nice and really makes me laugh. And you know how texts can be a bit difficult to interpret sometimes. So i will wait and see what he is like in person. But I am going to continue to talk to other people on the dating site in the mean time.