Spanish Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 New to this forum, in here to look for some advice. I met seeing this guy about two weeks ago and for two three days before we actually met he texted, called, etc. Then we had a great first date, but we ended up having sex.Which was great as well. After which we cuddled and he dropped me home ( rented a car for an hour ). After which we kept in touch and he continued textting etc, but the communication is not so constant, in terms that there are some days that he wont text me all and sometimes he just texts me during the day, but no phone call. I mean , I really do wish we were communicating more often. Two days ago we met for a second time, our meeting kept getting delayed because we have both been busy. We finally met and when we did we were supposed to go out eat first but we ended up hooking up , again sex was great. After which we went out to eat and he offered that I stay over at his place and drop me off the following morning ( again he rented a car) so he did dropped me off the following day. When we slept that night, he hold me into his arms and when I used to just turn around he would wake up and ask me to hug him. When he dropped me off he asked if I was ok, coz we had a little accident and if I needed to get plan B he could drive me. During dinner he mentioned one of his friends was coming to town and he wants to go bowling with his friend and myself and asked me to bring some friends if I wanted. Im confused because sometimes I want to think he is looking into more, sometimes I think he is just infatuated with sex. Can someone please tell me , what signs should I watch for and whether you think I should give this more time to see where its going? He does cute little things like lending me his scarf, he drives me home, sometimes he asks about my family sometimes, but then again I dont think we have had any meaningful conversations, he is not constant with the calling, he only holds my hand when we are crossing the street not all the times etc. What should I do, I dont want to get into a casual sex relationship.. Link to post Share on other sites
MissGoLightly Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 What should I do, I dont want to get into a casual sex relationship.. Hm, too late, you already are. That's not to say that it couldn't turn into more, but don't count on it, I think that's more the exception than the rule. Do you ever initiate communication with him? You say you want to communicate more, that he's not calling/texting as often as you'd like - are you leaving it all up to him? Or are you contacting him and he's ignoring you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spanish Posted November 28, 2009 Author Share Posted November 28, 2009 No I usually dont go after him if he doesnt text when he says he will. Some days I do initiate conversation and he does respond. I know I think I'm already in a casual relationship, but because he does "cute" things sometimes I dont want to mislead myself into thinking it could turn into more..... So that means I should just give my hopes up and tell him that I dont want to see him on thsi terms? Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 New to this forum, in here to look for some advice.What should I do, I dont want to get into a casual sex relationship.. Tell him what you want. Even better? Show him that you are really ready for that kind of relationship Link to post Share on other sites
MissGoLightly Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 No I usually dont go after him if he doesnt text when he says he will. Some days I do initiate conversation and he does respond. I know I think I'm already in a casual relationship, but because he does "cute" things sometimes I dont want to mislead myself into thinking it could turn into more..... So that means I should just give my hopes up and tell him that I dont want to see him on thsi terms? Well I don't think you should nag him or yell at him for not contacting you more often...but I do think you should contact him more - it's not a one-sided process completely reliant on him taking the initiative 100% of the time. Since he doesn't ignore you if you contact him, that's a good sign, and should encourage you to not just wait for him to contact you. You definitely already are in a casual relationship, there is no doubt about that. However, that doesn't mean it will definitely only ever be a casual relationship. I do think it's a little trickier to make it something else, since you slept with him on the first date, and you pretty much only get together to hook up. I'm not judging you, just pointing out how you two have set a precedent for a particular type of relationship dynamic. Actions speak louder than words and your actions (both of you) have shown that you're OK with physical intimacy without the other stuff (emotional intimacy, commitment and so on). It could turn into more, it's just not that common that this happens, IMO. If you're not interested in a FWB casual kind of relationship, you certainly have the option of just coming right out and telling him that you're not interested in that. But you could also show him that you want more. Stop ripping each other's clothes off and humping like bunnies the second you see each other. Start doing other activities, like an actual date (dinner, a museum, bowling, etc.) to get to know each other better. See what happens/where it goes. If he's not interested in anything other than sex he'll probably disappear pretty quickly if he actually has to spend time with you without getting any. Link to post Share on other sites
jerseyboy Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 OMG women are so difficult. Then they talk to other women and its all more comvoluted. Tell him what you want!!! Stop being afraid you will get the answer you dont want to hear. Because regardless its the truth. Stop trying to grow on some guy who doesnt like you as if you were fungus lol. He may actually be having the same fears about you (ie he wants more and you are just casual) and your not saying anything, and contradictory messages, will eventually put him off the idea until he does see you as a fwb and nothing serious. Listen, a lot of guys are timid at the beginning of a relationship. They dont say much, and they pretty much take whatever the girl offers. Its usually somewhere into the relationship that the power balance shifts his way. Suck it up and have the talk The "listen Im not the kind of girl who sleeps with guys right away (regardless of whether tis true), and Im afraid I may have given you the wrong impression." "I really like you, and felt this chemistry with you, and things got a little out of hand. But Im not the kind of person that can go around having casual sex with someone, and I need to know where you see us going if anywhere Just do it Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spanish Posted November 28, 2009 Author Share Posted November 28, 2009 You guys are all right! It makes sense.. Like what Miss go lightly said, about me actually trying to show that my intentions are more than sexual rather than just doing it like bunnies. I think that's why I wish I wouldnt had sex with him, because I like the fact that he has a lot going on for himself. Not the typical guy who has no goals, he knows what he wants and he goes for it . I find that irresistible..see I already like him And this is why Im pissed scared to bring up the talk.. He is very outgoing and outspoken, I dont think he is being shy, a guy usually goes after a girl if he wants her right...? What if I scare him with the "talk" say he is not sure yet, he just wants to get to know me more and here I go with my "little talk". Im afraid it will scare him off more than anything.. How does a guy usually react to this type of situation..? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 What should I do, I dont want to get into a casual sex relationship.. i think you should stop seeing him spanglish Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spanish Posted November 28, 2009 Author Share Posted November 28, 2009 and why do you think alpha male..you too think Im already in a dead end situation? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 and why do you think alpha male..you too think Im already in a dead end situation? you are now officially a "booty-call". next time try to wait at least until the 3rd date to give up the goods. Link to post Share on other sites
MissGoLightly Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 You guys are all right! It makes sense.. Like what Miss go lightly said, about me actually trying to show that my intentions are more than sexual rather than just doing it like bunnies. I think that's why I wish I wouldnt had sex with him, because I like the fact that he has a lot going on for himself. Not the typical guy who has no goals, he knows what he wants and he goes for it . I find that irresistible..see I already like him And this is why Im pissed scared to bring up the talk.. He is very outgoing and outspoken, I dont think he is being shy, a guy usually goes after a girl if he wants her right...? What if I scare him with the "talk" say he is not sure yet, he just wants to get to know me more and here I go with my "little talk". Im afraid it will scare him off more than anything.. How does a guy usually react to this type of situation..? I am a firm believer that women should never initiate "the talk." And to be completely honest, in this particular case, one reason I wouldn't initiate that discussion is because there is a decent chance he has certain expectations of you, based on experience (the humping like bunnies right from the start). All of a sudden, you give him the "I'm not usually like this, I really like you and want more, where is this going" talk, and the guy ends up feeling tricked. Like you slept with him with an agenda in mind. Not saying that that definitely will happen, or that that always happens, but it is a likely possibility. But even that scenario aside, I don't think you should have "the talk." Unless, of course, he brings it up. Link to post Share on other sites
jerseyboy Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 and why do you think alpha male..you too think Im already in a dead end situation? Nah, not necessarily The problem isnt so much having slept with him, as guys generally sleep with any attractive woman if shes willing, at least for a while. Waiting is a weeding process to see how much he actually cares. And yeah it does give some guys a chance to develop feelings. But plenty of my guy friends have ended up in relationships with girls from the same situation But you have to have the talk. You cant go back and change what happened. But you can at least not continue acting like a booty call. If you allow it to continue as one, he will start perceiving you as such, regardless of whether he does now or not. He knows if he likes you enough or not. If he becomes indignant, its just because he was intending to keep humping you till he grew bored anyway. If thats what you want go for it Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spanish Posted November 28, 2009 Author Share Posted November 28, 2009 I agree with both sides, here is why: 1. I'm not a big fan of the talk because I think that it is hard to define feelings and such through one talk. How many times has a guy told us something we want to hear just so they keep as around..? I prefer to see action speak louder than words.. And then I dont want to be seen as clingy.. BUT 2. On the other side of things, sometimes it is important to communicate how we feel. I dont want to be seen as as a booty call, and I dont want to tell him" Im usually not like this" because really ? who is he to believe it after I shown him otherwise. I just want to tell him that I know how we started and that I think we should put our cards on the table because we dont want to waste our time and that to be honest at the time I am looking for something more than just a casual relationship. I just want to be firm and communicate what I want thats all. I know I may have ****ed it up by having sex too early but at this point its either I continue doing something im not confortable with or I save myself from the pain. I think that makes sense.. Jersey boy, you seem to contradict every other poster with the fact that most of your guy frds have started relationships like that...did they ever had the talk? And how COULD they change the dynamics of a relationship that is already in the boot call zone..? I dont believe that can actually happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Ody Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 Jersey boy, you seem to contradict every other poster with the fact that most of your guy frds have started relationships like that...did they ever had the talk? And how COULD they change the dynamics of a relationship that is already in the boot call zone..? Nahh, this can definitely happen. JB is not the only one who knows it. It makes sense once you realize booty calls and genuine care and affection are not mutually exclusive. Don't get me wrong, I think much more often booty calls stay booty calls. But it isn't always that way. "The talk" will never change a booty call into something more if it's not. But if the guy is too shy to bring it up, or otherwise hesitating but kind of wants the same thing you do, it can get things moving in that direction more quickly, and help make sure it doesn't get derailed. "The talk" can however ruin a perfectly good booty call so be wary if you're attached to the sex. It is also often misused; it should only be had if there really is uncertainty. Sometimes people try to have the talk when they already know the answer and just don't like that answer. I kind of don't think anything good will happen from the talk in your case because of the drop off in communication, but it's really hard to tell without more detail so maybe you want to give it a shot anyway. If you have the talk and he's not into a relationship, you have to be prepared to either end it, or be comfortable with sex that isn't leading towards something more serious. It's pretty bad when a couple has the talk and it goes badly and one person just kind of winds up unhappy but clinging along for the ride (this can happen to either gender). Link to post Share on other sites
jerseyboy Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 I Jersey boy, you seem to contradict every other poster with the fact that most of your guy frds have started relationships like that...did they ever had the talk? And how COULD they change the dynamics of a relationship that is already in the boot call zone..? I dont believe that can actually happen. Because Im a really good kisser And Im persistent:) Almost every relationship Ive ever been in post high school has involved the "talk" Same with a lot of my friends. The thing is mostly guys already know if they want to be in a relationship with you. Not to say just go sleep with every guy on the first date, but its not a definite deal breaker. The problem is we may be attracted to you physically, or at least curious. So there are definitely a lof of girls you just want to experience, and then mentally youre like ok IM good now. Dont need to do that again. So thats why a lot of one night stands are only for one night. They were never going to be that into you. But I would think it weird if she didnt bring it up. Like tacit permission tokeep doing whatever I want. That to me makes her look desperate, much more so than your worry over his feeling tricked. We prettty much think that latter anyway when you sleep with us so quickly, liek this is how maybe she gets a guy Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spanish Posted November 29, 2009 Author Share Posted November 29, 2009 No not like the talk can actually change a booty call into something else. It will just make him spill the beans about what he wants without me loosing time. Because in this case, dont think your opinions are giving me much hope of waiting to see if it develops into something else. So in this case the talk is just used to give him a chance to state he wants otherwise before I cut him off withoout him knowing.. What other choice do I have now? Keep seeing him and continue doing it ? I cant help to think what would have happened if I wouldnt had given the goodies too soon.. maybe he would have seen me as more than just a "sexy girl" .. but men and woman beviour is so complex is so hard to tell. There is more to it and it is that he is in the medical field and is always on call, travelling etc. Even when i stayed at his place, he made sure I fell asleep and then went back to bed with me, took a business call when we went out.. So I dont even think he has the time to make me his girl.. hence maybe he is only interested in something casual. Link to post Share on other sites
jerseyboy Posted November 29, 2009 Share Posted November 29, 2009 Girls are the ultimate relationship "I cant go to the doctor, what if I have cancer" adherents:) He may like you hon Dont be so negative If noit, Im sure there are a lot of guys in the board who would now want to date you now that they know what the first date is like lol jk I couldnt resist Link to post Share on other sites
Ody Posted November 29, 2009 Share Posted November 29, 2009 I cant help to think what would have happened if I wouldnt had given the goodies too soon.. maybe he would have seen me as more than just a "sexy girl" .. but men and woman beviour is so complex is so hard to tell. Nahh, we usually know pretty soon whether we're seriously interested or not. There's that joke out there that a woman knows if she's into a guy or not as soon as she looks at him. Guys are not so different than this. Holding out longer isn't going to make him more into you. If you don't want to have sex early on that's totally understandable, but the notion that waiting will make him more into you emotionally is as silly as the notion that having sex on the first date will make him more into you emotionally. Whether he's into you is based on you not any waiting strategies you employ. So don't beat yourself up about this one if the talk goes badly, waiting wouldn't have helped. At least you got some good sex out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spanish Posted November 29, 2009 Author Share Posted November 29, 2009 Jersey Boy.. very funny..No I dont usually do this stuff with guys on the first date, I know I know.. you dont believe me.. but hey It happens. ..If girls are the ultimate "i dont want to go to the doctor I may have cancer" its because you guys make us feel as we are developing cancer.. And even if sex timing doesnt change anything, next time I will make sure not to sleep with any guy this early, maybe It wont change the way he sees me, but it will give me time to let them know Im not looking for somethinf easy and casual. I slept with him because he is HOT as in steaming hot...couldnt help it . If he calls me and we talk about stuff here and there I wil try to lead the convo there see what happens.. Link to post Share on other sites
jerseyboy Posted November 29, 2009 Share Posted November 29, 2009 Jersey Boy.. very funny..No I dont usually do this stuff with guys on the first date, I know I know.. you dont believe me.. but hey It happens. ..If girls are the ultimate "i dont want to go to the doctor I may have cancer" its because you guys make us feel as we are developing cancer.. And even if sex timing doesnt change anything, next time I will make sure not to sleep with any guy this early, maybe It wont change the way he sees me, but it will give me time to let them know Im not looking for somethinf easy and casual. I slept with him because he is HOT as in steaming hot...couldnt help it . If he calls me and we talk about stuff here and there I wil try to lead the convo there see what happens.. I believe you hon And dont think it makes you a bad person that you did. You have nothing to justify, especially to a low life like me I really do wish you well, and hope it works out for you Crossing fingers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spanish Posted November 29, 2009 Author Share Posted November 29, 2009 Thanks Jersey Boy, although Im already pissed and about to tell him off in a text.. I forgot a usb key at this place, Im sure is there, and I texted him 5 hours ago saying hey ! I forgot something at your place are you home? He replied saying Im at a coffe shopw what did you forget? .. I replied I forgot an orange usb key I need info in there.. he hasnt replied.. It jsut drives me nuts when ppl dont have the decency to at least reply and say , Hey i will look for it or whatever.. im im loosing my patience here... Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted November 29, 2009 Share Posted November 29, 2009 Keep in mind that many guys--maybe most guys--prefer FWB to real relationships. FWB means sex without strings, the ultimate win/win situation for the guy. Guys will often try to maneuver you into a FWB if they can. If that isn't what you want, you have to make that clear early on, and stop sleeping with this guy if he doesn't want what you want. Forget about a FWB becoming something more. They almost never do. Guys don't want them to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spanish Posted November 29, 2009 Author Share Posted November 29, 2009 ADF - I think you are right it mainly depends on what the guy is looking for I think . If he is looking for FWB relationship from the beginning then nothing will change that. The slim chances of a FBW turning into something else depend mainly on the guy wanting something else at that point in his life. In my case, he is busy as it gets, travels all the time, checks in here and there..I think I lost the battle. I wnat to talk to him, but the problem is he doesnt call me ..And I dont want to approch this on a text message, it drives me nuts when he calls me his baby..It confuses me thats why I want to stop this.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Spanish Posted December 2, 2009 Author Share Posted December 2, 2009 Hey Guys.. just a little vent here, I need to let it out. But I havent heard from him in three days.. nothing nada. I know what this means already so I'm not going to ask.. But I feel a bit used.. No point in having the talk now I guess....I should just cut him off altogether. I need confort words.. Link to post Share on other sites
woopster638 Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 I guess....I should just cut him off altogether you just provided yourself with it Link to post Share on other sites
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