Exit Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 So I've started seeing someone new. We have a lot of things in common and it has been going good so far. The strange thing is that she lives with an ex. She says that they have been through so much that there is no chance of getting back together, and she wants to move out ASAP to prove it to me that there's nothing to worry about. But what I can't get over - and I've told her this - is that she still seems to be in the "spiteful" stage towards him. She tells me stories about belongings of his that she has destroyed, just a second ago she was talking about Xmas shopping for people and made sure to make some comment that her ex won't be getting anything. I've told her the whole idea that "hate isn't the opposite of love, indifference is", and the fact that she is still spiteful means she is still passionate towards him, although in a negative way. I feel like I better keep my guard up and keep my distance -- am I wrong? The other night she went into detail about their entire history to try to convince me that she will never get back with him, and it does seem true, but it's just hard to ignore that she brings him up in every single conversation. I got dumped by a girl that I loved so much earlier this year and it hurt for a long time and I still think about her, but I certainly don't talk about her 24/7. Link to post Share on other sites
MissGoLightly Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 Definitely be wary. I wasn't truly over one of my ex's until I didn't care enough anymore to even hate him. Link to post Share on other sites
t0ri Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 I would imagine it's hard to get over, and let go of resentment towards, someone you live with. My ex broke up with me earlier this year. I, myself, would habitually mention things about my ex to guys I was sort of seeing because I wasn't over it and was still in the "wanting to talk about it" phase. Plus, I was still resentful. I'm over my ex now, and am seeing someone new, and my ex's name never comes up. At least not because I bring it up. And your quote about indifference being the opposite of love is completely true. You're right in being cautious with this one. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkToes Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 I've told her the whole idea that "hate isn't the opposite of love, indifference is", and the fact that she is still spiteful means she is still passionate towards him, although in a negative way. Bingo. Go slow on this one. Glad you're getting out there though. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 Wow,she's destroyed some of her ex's belongings, and she's bragging about it? Hope you're realizing that could be you,later on down the road, if it doesn't work out.(someday that could be your stuff getting smashed, or burned, or slashed, or whatever............)(someday, that might be you getting trash-talked to another guy.) Do you have a good insurance policy? Link to post Share on other sites
chrissy001 Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 I'd completely agree, the opposite of love is indifference. Any feelings, even negative are still feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
jerseyboy Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 First, upgrade your BMW's insurance to have no deductable for vandalism. Then proceed without worry. LOL It isnt strange at all bro. You are rebound guy Have fun while she tortures and pisses all over your emotions while she works out her unresolved issues with the ex. The guy she starts dating after you will appreciate the work you put into making her better adjusted. Link to post Share on other sites
tigressA Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 To be completely honest, I think you should steer clear. Obviously this girl's still got major-league issues in regards to the ex--bragging about destroying his belongings, hello?, and she lives with him too! Not good, not good at all. Run for the hills before you get too invested in this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Exit Posted November 28, 2009 Author Share Posted November 28, 2009 (edited) Thanks guys. I felt like my feelings were justified but she kept trying to talk me out of it and tell me that I had nothing to worry about. I definitely will keep my guard up and see if she actually does move out in a month or two. She insists that she's just kinda helpless right now and would already be moved out of his place if she could. Some of the things she tells me do seem sincere and I want to believe her, and she turns the tables and tells me not to judge her so harshly just because MY exs may have betrayed me in the past. But I'm not going to let her guilt trip get to me, I AM going to be cautious until she proves I have nothing to worry about. EDIT - LOL, awesome. Just as I was typing this, she's out shopping right now and sent me a text "how do you think he'll feel that I'm not getting him anything for xmas. Well I don't care how he feels". I told her "funny i was just thinking about this, we're gunna have to talk". Edited November 28, 2009 by Exit Link to post Share on other sites
Ody Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 I got dumped by a girl that I loved so much earlier this year and it hurt for a long time and I still think about her, but I certainly don't talk about her 24/7. You are a rebound guy, and from the sound of it a particularly messy rebound. In that case you should either bail immediately, or if she's really hot or the sex is spectacular or something maybe hold on for the ride and enjoy yourself but definitely don't get emotionally wrapped up and prepare yourself to be used. Not all rebounds go bad but this one sounds like a complete disaster in the making. If you are looking for something serious abort now. Also ignore all the really long and convoluted things she will say about her ex or why she is acting the way she is, none of them will make any sense or have any tangible connection to reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Johnny M Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 Stay away from the psycho b*tch. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 LOL The guy she starts dating after you will appreciate the work you put into making her better adjusted. HAHAHHA Oh SHYT!! Exit, since you are her rebound, you better make her your rebound. Start looking for reasons to dislike her now, so you dont grow too attached. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Exit Posted November 28, 2009 Author Share Posted November 28, 2009 Yeah, I've been somewhat distant so far already, I learned a lot these last few months and now I know being too eager is definitely a bad thing. I've let this girl do the pursuing all along. I agree, I'll either accept it for what it is and enjoy the ride, or just cut my losses and tell her to get back in touch with me when she gets things all worked out. Link to post Share on other sites
tkgirl Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 Thanks guys. I felt like my feelings were justified but she kept trying to talk me out of it and tell me that I had nothing to worry about. I definitely will keep my guard up and see if she actually does move out in a month or two. She insists that she's just kinda helpless right now and would already be moved out of his place if she could. Some of the things she tells me do seem sincere and I want to believe her, and she turns the tables and tells me not to judge her so harshly just because MY exs may have betrayed me in the past. But I'm not going to let her guilt trip get to me, I AM going to be cautious until she proves I have nothing to worry about. EDIT - LOL, awesome. Just as I was typing this, she's out shopping right now and sent me a text "how do you think he'll feel that I'm not getting him anything for xmas. Well I don't care how he feels". I told her "funny i was just thinking about this, we're gunna have to talk". wow! that text says it all.. this girl's got major issues and should NOT be in a new relationship 'til she gets them figured out... you need to get out NOW! don't wait a month or two to see if she moves out or whatever... this is like an accident waiting to happen... get out before you get too burned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Exit Posted November 28, 2009 Author Share Posted November 28, 2009 She hasn't even responded since I sent her my response saying we need to talk lol. I'll leave it up to her to decide if she wants to confront this at all or not. I've asked her flat out what would happen if he changed the flaws that she sees in him, or what would happen if he shows up with an engagement ring one day or something, and she swears up and down that there is nothing he can do to ever get another chance with her. Just the other night he told her that he's going on a big vacation this spring and asked if she would want to go, she said no. But obviously I'm still not convinced since I'm here asking for other opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
jerseyboy Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 And btw man Dont blame her Because I guarantee you pulled the sympathetic/Im agreat guy/tell me all your problems crap thinking to win her by showing her what a sensitive and caring guy you were. Now you are a few months in, or whatever youa re, and upset because she hasn't grown past it yet. You set the dynamic of your relationship. You offered her comfort and support, now you are upset because she was just supposed to fall in love with you and forget all about her bf. Guys who sleep well at night when they pull that crap. her: My ex bla blah blah blah blah guy: Is he coming? Should I have the waiter set a plate for him? Because if were going to talk about him all night, he should probably just be here. Link to post Share on other sites
kizik Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 Exit, I remember you and your story and it seems apparent to me that you're not ready to date yet if this is the kind of chick you find yourself going for: needy, dependent and confused. Not only is her little ex boyfriend thing annoying, it's incredibly rude, selfish and disrespectful to you, and if you have a spine you will tell her: "Please don't talk to me about your ex anymore. It makes me uncomfortable and signals to me that you aren't over him." If she continues to talk about him, tell her to give you a call someday when she's ready to talk about you instead of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Exit Posted November 28, 2009 Author Share Posted November 28, 2009 Well I wasn't really seeking out a needy girl, met her on a dating website and we had a lot in common just from reading her profile, she contacted me first and we started talking, hanging out, etc. Of course her profile didn't mention that she lives with an ex lol. But I am well aware that I have, in the past, had issues with knowing when to let go of bad people, when to stick up for myself, and avoiding confrontation at all costs. I know I can't do that to myself anymore and I certainly am going to get this situation handled. Link to post Share on other sites
kizik Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 I certainly am going to get this situation handled. Spoken like a man's man. Well-done Ace, that's what I like to hear. Don't let yourself be disrespected. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Exit Posted November 28, 2009 Author Share Posted November 28, 2009 Yeah it really is disrespectful. I didn't mind hearing about him at first, she told me she preferred to get it all out in the open instead of two months down the road revealing that the guy she's been living with is really an ex boyfriend, and I agreed with that logic and appreciated that she came clean right away. But the fact that hearing about him all day long hasn't stopped is starting to worry me. I would never do that to her, I'm not asking her if she thinks my ex missed me on Thanksgiving or anything like that. I do feel really good that I learned from my mistakes. Link to post Share on other sites
kizik Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 I didn't mind hearing about him at first But the fact that hearing about him all day long hasn't stopped is starting to worry me. I do feel really good that I learned from my mistakes. You should try being alone for a while I don't think you truly have learned from your mistakes. Whenever a girl immediately talks about her ex, it means she isn't over him It's an unspoken rule in dating not to bring exes up within the beginning stages, as it generally makes the other person uncomfortable This girl is young and confused and so are you But I do wish you luck Link to post Share on other sites
tkgirl Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 She hasn't even responded since I sent her my response saying we need to talk lol. I'll leave it up to her to decide if she wants to confront this at all or not. I've asked her flat out what would happen if he changed the flaws that she sees in him, or what would happen if he shows up with an engagement ring one day or something, and she swears up and down that there is nothing he can do to ever get another chance with her. Just the other night he told her that he's going on a big vacation this spring and asked if she would want to go, she said no. But obviously I'm still not convinced since I'm here asking for other opinions. do NOT leave it up to her... YOU have to be the one to confront this! Exit, I remember you and your story and it seems apparent to me that you're not ready to date yet if this is the kind of chick you find yourself going for: needy, dependent and confused. Not only is her little ex boyfriend thing annoying, it's incredibly rude, selfish and disrespectful to you, and if you have a spine you will tell her: "Please don't talk to me about your ex anymore. It makes me uncomfortable and signals to me that you aren't over him." If she continues to talk about him, tell her to give you a call someday when she's ready to talk about you instead of him. great advice! listen to it... Well I wasn't really seeking out a needy girl, met her on a dating website and we had a lot in common just from reading her profile, she contacted me first and we started talking, hanging out, etc. Of course her profile didn't mention that she lives with an ex lol. But I am well aware that I have, in the past, had issues with knowing when to let go of bad people, when to stick up for myself, and avoiding confrontation at all costs. I know I can't do that to myself anymore and I certainly am going to get this situation handled. I really hope you do! Link to post Share on other sites
Ody Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 Reading the subsequent responses I'm going to change my advice to definitely 100% get out now immediately. You're not going to talk or reason your way through it, and it sounds like you're trying to do that with this woman. That's not how the rebound thing goes. She's going to obsess over him and act bizarrely and that is that, no rhyme or reason to it. If you can't let go of trying to have it make some sense definitely don't play this game, you'll get burned. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 You should try being alone for a while I don't think you truly have learned from your mistakes. Whenever a girl immediately talks about her ex, it means she isn't over him It's an unspoken rule in dating not to bring exes up within the beginning stages, as it generally makes the other person uncomfortable This girl is young and confused and so are you But I do wish you luck Not only this, but badgering her about her ex is pretty much encouraging her to leave you, because it shows her how insecure you are. We always say this around here "Watch her actions, not her words". If she is acting like she isnt over her ex when she is with you, then you know. You have to be the one to have the confidence to not worry about how she feels about her ex, youre supposed to be better. Even if you are a rebound. You've been here long enough, you should know how much of a turn off insecurity is. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 28, 2009 Share Posted November 28, 2009 wow! that text says it all.. this girl's got major issues and should NOT be in a new relationship 'til she gets them figured out... you need to get out NOW! don't wait a month or two to see if she moves out or whatever... this is like an accident waiting to happen... get out before you get too burned. TOTALLY agree. I lived with my XH for 5 months after the divorce was finalized when I started dating a new guy. The dissolved marriage was HORRIBLE. But even living with him while dating a new guy - I wasn't constantly bringing him up in conversation. And I was still living with my XH for 2 months into the new relationship. I smell I-S-S-U-E-S and you are getting ready to get hit by a freight train. I'd be breaking up with this one and telling her to get over her ex before she tries dating anyone new. It does not matter if there's no hope of reconciliation - she's freaking crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
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